HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD

First and foremost, I have no idea why the last star isn't filled in all the way. Why don't you tell me? Second and secondmost, I wrote this really unnecessarily long introduction about how I discovered this on Netflix and how it was obviously a very emotional find for me, and it just kind of went on and on from there and somehow and my five-year plan came up, but you know what? Fuck it. Because sometimes a gif is worth a thousand words:

That is how I felt. And that is how I hope you feel when you play...

The Up in Smoke Tour Drinking Game!

Rules

I suppose you could switch things up and take a hit from your preferred smoking device instead of taking a drink, but I feel like that would lead to an award-winning panic attack or eating 10,000 calories in under 30-seconds. If you're me, probably both. So, please proceed with caution.

Pour one out for:

- Easy E

- Big Pun

- Roger Troutman

- Biggie

- Tupac

- Nate Dogg

- Chevy Chase Bank

Drink when: 

- There's an uncomfortable shot of a frat bro who clearly has alcohol poisoning being hauled away by security down a nondescript hallway during the opening montage...

- Pot leaf

- Hood rats

- Your eyes well up with tears because you'll never be able to turn back time and see this concert live

- Ice Cube has a farcically elaborate stage intro

- Ice Cube asks, "What the fuck is up, Massachusetts?"

- Ice Cube pronounces "Massachusetts" as "Mass-a-two-cents", which, if I were from Boston, would abso-fucking-lutely be my stage name and I would just go around rapping my opinions on various topics, whether you asked for it or not

- White girl in a halter top

- Ice Cube plugs Next Friday, and frankly, you don't mind

- Blue bandana (drink twice if it's being worn as, or incorporated in a shirt)

- UH, Ice Cube introduces you to the phrase "crazy as cat shit" and you feel like you owe him a steak dinner for such alliterative gold

- Crip Walking

- You watch a youtube tutorial on Crip Walking, try it because it looks like a good core work out, and then immediately feel like an asshole

- 2001 Eminmen makes you sad. Just really, really sad. Because 2012 Eminem exists and he looks like a heavily photoshopped/untalented cat.

- TITTIES!

- You wish Eminem would have a yard sale so his 10-foot inflatable stage middle fingers could flank your bed

- HA HA HA HA HA. "Stan".

- You feel conflicted:

- SEXUAL AND VIOLENT STAGE VIDEO INTRODUCTIONS

- The thought of Dr. Dre getting his dick sucked makes you incredibly uncomfortable because you view him as a sort of father-figure. But you'd totally have sex with him. It's just a very confusing situation with a lot of gray areas.

- "The Next Episode"

- It's just so good

- Call and response

- Tricycles

- Basketball

- You could deal with about 60% more Xzibit in your life

- Snoop Dogg demonstrates a very PETA-friendly attitude towards insects

- Conversely, you claw your own flesh off because watching Snoop Dogg feed a cockroach a french fry on a restaurant wall makes you feel like you just smoked an entire salad bowl of meth

- The stoner skull is honest-to-god terrifying

- Eminem really didn't like boy bands. It comes up a lot. Like more than it should.

- TRL reference

- Unfortunate flashback to eighth grade

- No disrespect to Snoop, but you kind of wish a little more of the behind the scenes action was devoted to Dre

- Again, Xzibit seems like the best friend you've never had

- Vag...

- Because yes, there's straight-up vag...

- You weep because it's over

- THE SHOW, that is. Not the vag. The vag being over felt like a win. A big, unkempt, unfortunate win.

Have a great weekend, son! <--- Love, Meghan "Incapable of Leaving on a High Note" Rowland

A Complete List of Things That Make Me Nauseous, by Meghan Rowland

- Riding in cars backwards

- Riding on trains backwards

- Not riding on the metro backwards (it can’t be explained it)

- My dad’s “city driving”

- My “I’m late driving”

- Driving on winding roads

- Driving on hilly roads

- Boats, slow-moving

- Boats, speed, driving over another boat’s wake

- Standing on a dock for 20-minutes+

- Bicycling over cobblestones

- Watching moves in the first 10 rows of a movie theater

- Watching movies in 3D

- Watching movies in RealD

- 99.9% of all amusement park rides and attractions

- Airplane turbulence

- Cars with plastic interior

- Cars with velvet interior

- Gym, arc trainer, 60-minutes+

- Gym, ERG machines, 0-minutes+

- Gym, elliptical machine, if not looking at the horizon

- Gym, elliptical machine, watching mounted TV screen

- Gym, reading

- Gym, writing

- Heights

- First dates

- Lobster rolls

- Crab Rangoon

- Burritos

- DiGiorno pizza

- Jelly beans

- Maple syrup

- Flavored lattes

- Raspberry Zinger tea

- Bubble Tea

- MiO Liquid Water Enhancer

- Splenda

- Percocet

- Blood

- Images or video footage of surgery

- Highlighters in any color other than yellow

- Waterbeds

- Swings, sets

- Swings, tire

- Swings, seesaw

- Slides, twisting

- Slides, 45-degree angle+

- Slides, water

- Men with long fingernails

- Alcohol, vodka

- Alcohol, gin

- Alcohol, whiskey

- Alcohol, Jagermeister (it was inevitable)

- Alcohol, mimosas (my new campaign: Mimosas—there should be a bottom)

- Alcohol, Disaronno (I discovered one night in college that it tastes like a liquid almond croissant and there was an incident)

- Beer, Blue Moon

- Beer, Chimay

- Reading while moving. Period.

- Loud patterns

- The scrolling feature on Netflix’s homepage

- Watching The Deadliest Catch on a TV screen larger than 20”

- Vanilla-scented perfumes

- The major motion picture The Killing Fields

- Snorkeling

- Trampolines

- Magic Eye posters (1994 was a long year)

- Ski lifts

- Dairy

- When the metro stops and you look out the window and think you’ve started moving again, but it’s just the train adjacent to you moving and you realize you’re still stopped

- Heat

- Confrontation

- The smell of Bumble & Bumble thickening shampoo and conditioner

- Pogo sticks

- Moon shoes (Seriously, eff 1994)

- Certain anti-inflammatory medication

- Planetariums

- The Guggenheim

- Dance, Dance Revolution

- Taylor Gourmet’s website

- Ferris wheels

- Corn mazes

- Doing a swimmer’s turn

- Peanuts

- Making this list

Here's what just happened:

NOPE. NOPE. NOT AT ALL, MEGHAN. NOT AT ALL.

2 Birds Investigates: Epimedium

When Chris was here helping me reassure the blog that everyone gets their period and they can go back to school and none of the boys would be able to tell, we decided it would behoove us to get a few investigations done. The problem was—as it always is—we didn’t have money to investigate anything cool like acupuncture, belly dancing, or paying my Comcast bill. With ten-dollars and a coupon for a free deck pressure washing between us, Chris had an idea:

“You know when you’re at the gas station and there are all those pills by the cash register like, ‘STAY UP LATER!!! STUDY HARDER!!! FUCK YOUR WIFE LONGER!!!’?”

Yes…

“Well, I think we should both take a shit-ton of the fuck your wife longers and just see what happens.” And with that, 2 Birds Investigates: Boner Pills was born.

After discovering that the only natural aphrodisiac my CVS sells is a 15-ounce can of Bartlett Pears in heavy syrup, we got lazy and turned to sweet Lady Internet to solve the problem for us. After 30-minutes of searching drugstore.com for a product that we only had the vaguest concept of (Chris what exactly should I be looking for? “You know…like all-natural do-her pills.” What, like ExtenZe…? “Meh. Maybe.”), I stumbled upon Desire-X Horny Goat Weed:

PLINKO!

According to the bottle, “This exotic formula contains Horny Goat Weed, a natural ingredient that has been used for centuries. Horny Goat Weed stimulates sexual desire in both men and women, and has a long history as a top aid for erectile function in men. Also included are other powerful sexual energizers like Maca, known as Peruvian Ginseng and used by ancient Incas as an aphrodisiac. This complete formula combines recognized natural ingredients that have been shown to promote desire and performance.”

According to Wikipedia, Horny Goat Weed (aka Rowdy Lamb Herb, Barrenwort, Bishop’s Hat, Fairy Wings, or 淫羊藿) is a hardy perennial in the Epimedium genus of flowering plants, endemic to southern China and other parts of the mysterious Orient. Its garden use is as a beautiful ground cover plant. Its human use is to treatment erectile dysfunction and osteoporosis. (One way or another, it firms you right up. ZZZZZZZING!!!!) Given that it works on both men and women and was on sale for $7.69, we ordered a bottle and laid out our plan: we’d both take a few big ‘ole handfuls, sit next to each other on the couch, sip some Prosecco and see where the night took us. We then spent six hours arguing that if we did do it, and I did get Megnant, what would we name it— Julia Sugarbaker or Pilgor? (~*TEAM PILGOR!!1!*~)

A few days later, our Horny Goat Weed arrived (thank Christ for discreet packaging) and as the sun intentionally brushed the skyline with its breast as it set, we got ready to get busy.

Step 1: Make yourself beautiful

I asked Chris which of the following erotic lingerie scenarios would get him in the mood:

- Schoolgirl, preppy

- Schoolgirl, badass

- Sweet ‘n sensual

- Bored housewife

Without hesitation, he requested Schoolgirl, badass. I took this into consideration and didn’t “disregard it”, per se, but did make the executive decision to go with B-level call girl from 1988. Mostly because it felt like a backcombing night.

(Sidenote: It’s worth mentioning that I got this negligee from Victoria’s Secret when I was 17 because I was like, I’M IN COLLEGE! I NEED SOMETHING SEXY TO WEAR WHEN I HAVE ALL OF THE…SEX! Clearly my idea of “sexy lingerie” was based on the erotic power of mesh and all four Revenge of the Nerds.)

Chris then proceeded to use his tongue scraper and put on a fresh coat of Old Spice. It’s the thought that counts.

Step 2: Set the scene

Chris decided it was only polite to buy me dinner first, which meant he microwaved two of my frozen burritos, set the table, lit a single candle, and relied on the Toni Braxton Pandora station to add a sensual note to the proceedings.

Yes, those are martini glasses filled with half a bottle’s worth of Horny Goat Weed. My boo is classy as shit.

Step 3: Cover all bases

Step 4: Down half a bottle of Horny Goat Weed capsules

Make sure to cheers first!

Step 5: Enjoy your frozen burrito

Step 6: Put on a good old fashioned skin flick

For somewhat obvious reasons, we had a hard time thinking of porn that would appeal to both of us. We decided to meet in the middle and go with the Switzerland of erotica: a special edition DVD of Vivid’s highlights of ’94. It was that or each use our own laptops with headphones, or as I call it, “Monday”.

Results

Well…it wasn’t exactly what we were expecting. I don’t think either of us got that horny. Chris did reach out and grab my left breast at one point, but it was halfhearted and nothing new. We really did give it the old college try, though. We watched porn for well over an hour sitting uncomfortably close to each other, but at the end of an hour, all we had was a page of snarky notes:

- “I see London, I see France, I see crushed velvet underpants!”

- “Is that a gal or a surfer”  (This question arose several times)

- “This sounds like the transitional scene music in a black sit-com”

- “Don’t you think she looks like Cloris Leachman??” (She did)

- THAT ACTOR HAS A MOLE WITH IRREGULAR BORDERS

As the scene shifted to a pizza parlor where things were not where they seemed, we noticed we were laughing hard, even for viewers of 90’s porn, and that another burrito sounded awesome. I changed into my pajamas and we turned off the porn to find that Role Models was ending and was about to play again in five minutes. This news was way too exciting. As I crammed yet another chip/carrot/blob of hummus into my mouth, I locked eyes with Chris and we came to a startling discovery: we were totally stoned. It was a surprise, but frankly we had no objections. Being stoned, we naturally had a series of stoned ideas. Most of these were about hugs, but I also decided to see what would happen if you tried to smoke Horny Goat Weed.

The answer is you burn it and then inhale a mouthful of hot plant dust, then make a series of hilarious faces as you wipe your face on the strap of your sports bra.

As the evening went on, I ate a lot of cheese and thought too much about my own mortality, and Chris peacefully read The Hunger Games curled up on the couch. All in all, it was probably more fulfilling than actually having intercourse. ~*TEAM PEETA!!!1!*~

State of the Meg—April 2012

- A lot of truly God-awful things have happened over the last few months and I don’t want to talk about it. Which is obnoxious, I realize, because then why did I bring it up in the first place? I don’t know. I’m like that asshole who casually drops it into conversation that they were molested but that's where the story stops, so you spend the rest of your friendship not knowing which family member to resent on their behalf. Not that I’m saying people who have been molested are assholes. People who are withholding are assholes. It just so happens that some of them have been molested. Really, what I’m trying to say here is that I’m an asshole who—TO MY KNOWLEDGE—has never been sexually molested. Good. I’m glad we're off to a good start.

- In other good, non-molestery news, I got into grad schools! Yay for me. YAY FOR SCHOOL! I got a creative writing scholarship to The New School, so that’s where I’ll be going. For a while I was bummed out because this means I have to turn down my spot at Columbia. I couldn’t figure out why that prospect upset me so much until I realized that in my mind, I’ve always equated Columbia with Hogwarts. I don’t really know why, considering I’ve physically been to Columbia and seen firsthand that it is in no way a school of witchcraft and wizardry. Yet on some subconscious level, I think I’ve been imagining myself spending the next two years flying around the Upper West Side with Evie on my broomstick—just writin’, playin’ Quidditch, havin’ the occasional gab session with Professor McGonagall. That said, I did the math and worked out that a round trip ticket to Orlando, two nights at the Econo Lodge, and a day pass to the The Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios is $100,583 less than getting a creative writing MFA from Columbia. Soooo, that is the route I will be taking.

- HA HA! I’m just kidding, I can’t afford a trip to Orlando. If I could, I’d already be knee-deep in Kevin Yang and Gatorland by now.

- So, yes, I’m moving back to New York in July, probably. I feel the following about it: excited, scared, nervous, anxious, hopeful, loose bowels, scared. If you live in New York and would like to be my friend, that would be awesome. I sleep a lot and have a generally poor outlook on life, but I also love road trips and give good hugs. I feel like it balances out in the end.

- What does this news mean for the blog? Nothing. If anything I hope it’s going to get the blog back on track because now I totally feel motivated to write more. Chris is actually here right now to help me pick the blog up off its face and make it a part of your life again. He’s currently lying on my couch, just a tippy-tappying away. He just looked off into the distance thoughtfully, ruffled his hair, looked like he got an idea, and went back to typing. You know what? Good for him. I’m glad he worked through that. Oh, nope, he’s back to looking in the air worriedly. Now he’s fixing his sleeves and staring at my bookshelf. Back to typing. He’s got it. What a pro. I mean, I could live-blog Chris writing a blog post indefinitely, so I’m going to stop myself now before this gets any worse. (Although it’s worth noting that the only thing I can make out on his word document is “A Very Special Episode of Roseanne”. I don’t know what he’s got up his sleeve, but I am excited.)

- You know what’s a really big part of my life right now? Being livid that this exists/was recently featured on Gizmodo:

What you’re looking at is Grand Trunk’s hammock compatible sleeping bag, or as you may know it better, a SLAMMOCK, the invention I came up with in the summer of 2005 when I boldly asked myself, “Meg, what is the most comfortable sleeping scenario you can think of?” and stared back at my truth: a sleeping back in a hammock. You may also remember that everyone (including my parents) mocked me when I tried to make it a reality in my sophomore year dorm, and the inventor of The Tinge further mocked me via email because I made the extremely legitimate point that most ladies don't want to rub their junk on razor blades. And now my invention—NAY, dream!—is being sold for $180 by someone who is not me.  Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssucks.

- Yesterday was my birthday. I’m 27. Helena got me a bag of weed and Laura got me a subscription to the large-print version of Reader’s Digest, and every time I think about it I want to burst into tears because when you find two people who just get you like that, you probably shouldn’t move 230 miles away from them.

- I have two camping trips planned for the near future and I’m so excited. Slash I need to get new batteries for Hat.

- Speaking of Hat! I forgot to tell you about my new phone cover. Check it out:

I know what you’re thinking: “Is that a Real Tree phone cover?” No. It’s one step better: it’s a knock-off Real Tree phone cover. I got it for $6.99 on Amazon and it’s a major part of why I’m alive right now. I like it because it makes me feel American. I changed my ringtone to Toby Keith's “Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (Angry American)” and renamed my phone Rickywayne after my favorite contestant on Heavy. Every time I plug it into iTunes it says, “Rickywayne_LEAVE ME ALONE! is synching”, and I just laugh and laugh and laugh…

- Speaking of the depressing ways I choose to entertain myself, my newest hobby is teaching myself bass lines to 311 songs, playing them, and then laughing out loud. The end.

- Chris update: Now he’s sitting upright on the couch, slumped down slightly, playing with his facial, and looking concerned.

- Chris update II: Ah, it’s because he’s hungry and wants to know if I’m cooking dinner tonight. No. No, I’m not.

- Chris update III: Chris is making a frozen burrito.

- My allergies are killing me. WHICH REMINDS ME! The Blogologues are performing my blog post A Humble Apology in the run of their current show, Blogologues: Younger Than Springtime! I’m so honored, I can’t even tell you. The show runs Thursdays-Saturdays, April 13-May 5^th at The Players Theater in the West Village. Tickets are available for purchase here, so if you’re in New York, go see it! Becca and I are going this weekend and I can’t wait! Slash, I can wait because the reason I’m going to New York this weekend is to attend an accepted student’s reception at The New School, which sounds like a lot of forced mingling/networking. ‘Ehhhhhhhh… It’s on 4/20 (~!LOL!~), so I can’t decide if I should get high before to make said mingling easier, or wait and get high after as a reward for being able to interact with people like a normal fucking human being. Or both…? 

- I got an upper endoscopy done a few weeks ago (more on that in a later blog post), and one of the questions the nurse asked before the procedure was if there’s any possible chance that I could be pregnant. I answered no, because obviously the closest I’ve come to having sex recently was sleeping through a rerun of Silk Stalkings on the TV Guide Network last month, and I swear to God, the nurse stopped writing, looked up from her clipboard, raised a suspicious eyebrow and asked, “Are you sure?” I can’t tell if she asked that because I look fat and pregnant, or because I look so slutty that I obviously lost the Trapper Keeper detailing all the dicks I've fucked lately and a baby??!!—YOUR GUESS IS AS GOOD AS MINE!!!!!1! Either way, I’m offended. Just slightly less by the chorus of dicks/your guess, my guess option.

- Did you know you have to take a drug test to work at the Ford’s Theater gift shop? HA HA! Neither did I!

- I don’t understand the appeal of LMFAO. Their songs just sound like technology and foolishness

- Also, I don’t care for DayGlo.

- I have to pee, but I don’t want to get up.

- Here’s a picture of Evie disrespecting my dad’s dry cleaning:

- OK. I feel like I can’t think of anything else going on in my life right now that isn’t part of a future blog post and/or horribly depressing, so this is going to have to suffice for now.

State of the Meg: Like a polyamorous relationship or trying to go blond: it’s complicated.