5.26.2010

"It's 6 o'clock in the morning. We just stayed up all night talking about Kevin Yang."

The results of the 2birds1blog Merch Store Sexual Misadventure Contest are in!

The winner is Pete McDermott, with what we here in the 2birds1blog editorial office call the "Blood/No Blood Story"; the runner-up is "Sex Minx" with what Chris affectionately calls the "Rooster Tail Story"; and 21 minutes late with no proofreading is Kevin Yang.

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Tulane Chris and I were on a conference call for six hours last night/this morning discussing this competition. Five were spent on Kevin Yang. Who is Kevin Yang? He's a recent college graduate and avid baker. He's the gin in our martini, the clams in our linguine, he puts the spring in Springfield. He also puts the uhh... in honorable mention.

Chris and I were about to wrap up the competition and agree on our winners when at 11:21 I saw that one lone entry trickled in after the deadline. At first we weren't going to read it because, you know, deadlines, but the same curiosity that killed the cat also took a bite out of us. So we opened it up and sunshine, lollipops and rainbows came out. We were hooked from the very first paragraph. And by "hooked," I mean dangerously obsessed. Here is the entirety of Kevin Yang's masterpiece entitled "Once You Go Black", annotated by me and Tulane Chris.

I’ve always considered myself open to accepting all sorts of cultures and people. A nighttime adventure into uncharted territory for a black party has opened my eyes to believe that the world is better off with everyone being egalitarian with their friendships. Aside from having a deep connection with different kinds of alcohol and forms of pasta, I don’t think that hooking up with a black man is a good way to advocate my newfound appreciation for egalitarianism or for black people. For starters, hooking up with a black man is probably right up there with being the general manager for Kinko’s. Though I hold high regards for the hip-hop community and what they have brought to the table, I’m not too fond of black men assuming that if I’ve never been with a black man then perhaps I’m interested in becoming their baby boy.

I can not tell you how many times I've read that paragraph out loud to Chris on the phone resulting in the two of us cackling like witches for on average 15 minutes. There are so many things to discuss. Mainly, we can't tell if this is the beginning of an erotic novel or simple clan literature. Black people have a deep connection to different kinds of alcohol and forms of pasta? I know I like my racial stereotypes like I like my carbohydrates: complex. Secondly, hooking up with a black man is probably right up there with being the general manager for Kinko's? You know what they say about black people and copy machines... I mean, I don't, but maybe you do. And if you do, let us know because we don't know what the fuck Kevin Yang is talking about. This story has become like mystical scripture to uswe keep re-reading it over and over again waiting for revelation to descend.
I hooked up with a black guy when I went to an indie, eighties revival club with my friend Sara who was home for spring break. These clubs are what most people refer to as a “mix crowd” since there is straight, gay, A-sexual people there. Other than going there to get drunk, I don’t see that point in going to any clubs at all if I just plan on drinking. It’s not like I hate these kinds of clubs, but looking for someone to go home with isn’t an easy task because a straight guy can look as gay as the next one. The night was pretty hazy thanks to contributions of wine and vodka so I won’t concern myself with details.

Every time a Kevin Yang sentence makes no sense, an angel gets its wings.

Sara, her friends, and I made our way to the crowded dance floor. I was dancing as if the ghost of Elvis Presley possessed me when I noticed someone looking at me from the corner of my eye. [Editorial note: We hope it's old Elvis.] Any kind of music that isn’t hip-hop or doesn’t involve shaking my ass, I have a hard time dancing to. And besides leaving my mouth wide-open like a Venus flytrap while I’m in public, dancing like a fool can be a terrible shortcoming of mine. It took about ten minutes of flailing my arms in multiple directions to realize that he was black and was probably into me. He was standing by the wall with his friends and my group was pretty much next to his. Sara nudged me to go talk to him.

First and foremost, what we ascertained from this passage is that Kevin Yang eats insects. Pass it on. Also, this is so grammatically incorrect it's hard to tell just how racist he's being.

“Hi! What’s your name?” I asked him about to fall over.

“Jester.” The music was too loud so I had a hard time hearing his name. That’s what I thought when I heard when I asked his name.

“I want to make out with you,” he said putting his arms around my hips. I wondered if all black men were this forward. So without the restraints of being sober, I approved because I was open to what life had to offer. At the time unfortunately, I figured making out with a black man was one of those things. Jester isn’t the type of black guy you’d see out of a Ludacris music video or working on his unemployment, he was more along the lines of an Oreo: black on the outside, white on the inside.

OK. Now we know how racist he's being.

“We can’t make out here,” he said. “My friends don’t know I’m gay, we’ll have to go somewhere else.” This I could agree with, I don’t like displaying public affection – it’s not cute and not attractive on any front. It’s even worse when the people making out are a couple. I decided it would be more adequate to make out in the restroom.

OK, wait a minute. So his friends don't know he's gay but he just put his arms around a twinky gaysian boy's slender Elvis-swinging hips and said, "I want to make out with you"? Are all black guys this subtle? (And PS: every time Kevin Yang says "black men" or "black guys", drink.)

I led him to one of the stalls and shut the door behind it. Since the stall looked as if Hulk Hogan kicked his way out of the stall, the lock didn’t work so I had Jester lean against the door to keep it closed. While we were making out, he would tell me that he really wanted to hook up tonight or tomorrow morning.

We've done some further research on Kevin Yang, (some might say "obsessive" research) and on his personal blog (from which this was a fucking recycled post), he refers to himself as a witty "essayist" who graduated from the "prestigious" University of Florida. So. Just put that in your pipe and smoke it. And do you think he meant Hulk Hogan or the Incredible Hulk? Either way, Lord knows the best way to stay in the closet is to follow a twinky gay Asian guy into a bathroom stall to suck face. What did his friends think he was doing in there the entire time? Talking about pussy and the Tampa Buccaneers?

“I’m way too drunk,” I said to Jester, smiling. “Maybe tomorrow?” He nodded his large head and I motioned him to open the door. We exchanged number and parted ways. I had hoped this was probably the last time that I’d see him again.

The club was closing up and I explained to Sara what had happened with Jester. “You should go over to his place!” she exclaimed. “It might be a lot more fun now than it will be tomorrow when he doesn’t look like Tyson Beckford.”

Hurry! Go home with a stranger while you're drunk! It's more fun when you don't realize what's going on! Sara sounds the kind of girl who'd want to play Russian Roulette but be like, "Instead, let's put three bullets in the gun."

It doesn’t take much egging on for me to go with what anyone suggests since my morals are on par with a remote control. Sara was right, I knew if I had seen Jester the next day, he wouldn’t appear as attractive as he did fifteen minutes ago. Added to the fact that I have as much shame as David Hasselhoff when I drink, I agreed to Sara’s plan and texted Jester that I’d be at his place in ten minutes.

The drive to Jester’s wasn’t difficult since I had learned on multiple occasions, while watching Cops that keeping your hands at ten and two on the steering wheel and not changing the music will ensure getting to your location safely. On the way to Jester’s apartment, I decided to text my friend Vladmir who had a history of sleeping with black men.

“Any wisdom to share about black guys and hooking up?”

“Get some jelly and relax,” he responded.

When I first read this out loud to Chris, he was terrified that Kevin was talking about jam. Nothing says a fun summer night like moderate drunk driving and a butt full of preservatives. And is he getting these similes from clicking the random article button on Wikipeida?

Once I got to his apartment, I knocked on the door. His roommate opened the door and greeted me with a look as if he were witnessing dogs having a conversation about math. I explained to him that I was looking for Jester and he reluctantly let me in.

“What’s wrong with your roommate?” I asked Jester, walking into his room as he was sprucing up.

“We normally don’t have people over at this time. Plus he doesn’t know I’m gay,” he responded while putting on his play list of Beyoncé’s greatest hits. It was three A.M.

“Well wouldn’t it be obvious if I’m in here and you’re playing Beyoncé?”

Round and round the emphasis goes! Where it stops, nobody knows! You people just don't know how much Chris and I hysterically cackled and continue to hysterically cackle (we're literally cackling right now) re: the sentence, "Well wouldn't it be obvious if I'm in here and you're playing Beyoncé?"
Before he answered, he pushed me onto his air mattress and we proceeded to make out. This time, I could taste something that I couldn’t pin point but it reminded me a lot like ass breath. What did he gnaw on? Dirty socks? I knew I had to get out of here because nothing turns me off more than bad breath, except for unkempt pubic hair. [What a fucking princess.] I tried to play it cool, but it was difficult to let out my enthusiasm for a good time if someone that had the breath of Oscar the Grouch’s trashcan. This was my first hand on experience with a black guy and so far, I wasn’t enjoying it.

We fully recognize the ludicrousness that we're dedicating this much time to acknowledge a piece of writing that's so "grammatically creative" when we had over 150 spell-checked entries from people who actually gave a fuck.
Twenty minutes had gone by and I was in a desperate need to get up and leave. I didn’t know what to do while Ass Breath was all over me. I felt bad getting up and go since I was in unknown territory. And I figured asking him if he would rather watch a movie or play video games were more suitable but realized that wasn’t an option after he face raped me. Luckily, I had the necessary phone app on my iPhone to guilefully get out of this situation.

“Give me a second,” I told him slowly pushing him away. “I need to set an alarm on my phone.” Prior to hooking up, he asked me if it was okay that I spend the night and before realizing the situation in his mouth, I agreed. I leaned over the bed to reach into my pant pocket, pulled out my phone, and turned my back facing Ass Breath to avoid him from seeing what I was doing. I have an app that’s called FakeMyCall and it’s pretty self-explanatory. I plant a ring tone to call me thirty seconds later, I answer the call, and pretend I’m on the phone. I’ve only used this app twice but it’s a surefire way to get out of awkward situations.

My phone rang thirty seconds later. “Hello? Oh my gosh? Are you serious? Okay, I’ll be there tomorrow morning.”

“Who was that?” Ass Breath asked.

“It’s The Boys and Girls Club,” I told him in an overstated tone. “I just remembered that I’m taking my little brother to the Humane Society to go pick out a dog in morning. I have to go."

“But it’s three-thirty, what are they doing calling you at this time?"

I had to come up with something plausible. “They have a twenty-four hour call center.”

Then he said something to reassure that I was not going to be seeing him again.

“Can’t I just stick it in once?”

“I have to think about the kids first,” I said while I was looking for my T-shirt and jeans among the piles of clothes on the floor. Not only did he have a hard time cleaning his mouth, he also had a hard time cleaning up his room.

As I was about to step out the front door to discover his roommate not in the living room, Ass Breath told me to text him next time I’m free. I gave him a friendly wave and smiled, shut the door, and breathed a sigh of relief.

“No thanks, buddy,” I said to myself.

The next morning, I looked in the mirror and spotted a dark circle on the left side of my neck, along with two more dark circles on my chest. Not pleased about last night since I now was forced to wear a hoodie, I considered borrowing my mother’s foundation to cover the marks left by Ass Breath. I looked in the mirror not only ashamed, but also dirty. Something had to be done, and it needed to help me get rid of the images from last night. So I brushed my teeth, flossed, and Listerined my mouth for two minutes. Following my discoveries, I received a text from Vladimir asking about my night.

“I didn’t have sex last night, so I’m quite relieved that nothing went past second base.”

“Good, the last time I had sex with a black guy, I was ruined for two weeks. You don’t deserve that. Come join our no sex pact: N.O.P.P. No Orifice Perpetration Pact.”

“Sounds like a very noteworthy cause,” I replied, laughing out loud.

“I am not only a member, but the President too.”

I was quite disappointed by the old saying, “Once you go black, you never go back,” because perhaps it could have been more enjoyable had Ass Breath considered eating a box of Tic-Tacs. I don’t see myself hooking up with another black man anytime soon, but I won’t rule anything out. My experience goes, “I went black, and I came running back.”

...Ladies and gentleman, Mr. Kevin Yang. Chris and I then spent (and I'm not exaggerating this for comedic effect) at least 5 hours researching Kevin and laying the groundwork for our new Kevin cult. Did you know that Kevin works in a cupcake bakery? Did you know he has 588 friends on Facebook? Or that his interests include "obese people" and philosophy? Or that the sixth most popular tag on his blog is "black"?

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Likes: chicken nuggets. Dislikes: black people; unkempt pubic hair.

As we researched further and our obsession grew, Chris proposed we do one of the following:

1.) For our first 2birds1blog Investigates project, fly to Orlando, stay in a Super-8 Motel, and stalk Kevin Yang's cupcakery in order for him to seduce and bed Kevin Yang.

2.) Write a graphic novel about The Kevin Yang Experience.

3.) Introduce a new weekly blog feature called "Yang Out The Ying-Yang" where we catch up with Kevin Yang and his newest misadventures.

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4.) Write a children's book called, Kevin Yang and the Blustery Day.

5.) Delete the blog entirely and replace it with a picture of Kevin Yang's face, which links to the Kevin Yang flickr account.

6.) Write a Kevin Yang Choose Your Own Adventure.

7.) Get costumes and act out Kevin Yang's "Once You Go Black" in a two-man production.

8.) Hastily scratch "Kevin Yang" on the Vietnam Memorial Wall with a car key.

9.) Launch a new comic titled, Kevin Yang Compares Any Two Things. (Side note: I need you to know that Chris just said to me, "I want to see Kevin Yang watch female ejaculation porn." And he wants you to know that upon reading the following in Kevin Yang's blog bio, "having graduated from a prestigious university with a degree that has about as much credibility as a chair," I stopped reading, got infuriated and screamed, "WHAT?! CHAIRS ARE KIND OF CREDIBLE!")

10.) Buy a tombstone that says "Kevin Yang" and quote, "just put it somewhere."

Frankly, I'd love nothing more than to do all of the above. It is now 5:30 in the morning and Kevin Yang is still funny. Like, Chris just said "Kevin Yang and the Goblet of Fire" and I laughed so hard I thought I might get my period. Chris literally just went to the bathroom because he thought that if he didn't, he might poop.

What blows our minds the most is that Kevin Yang actually exists. After six hours, we've built him up to be this demi-God of racism and inscrutable comparisons and we're legitimately star-struck at the thought that he reads our blog. We keep stating simple facts about Kevin's existence and the thought of his normalcy blows our minds. Like, Kevin Yang gets crushes. Kevin Yang has given good advice. Kevin Yang brought bag lunches to school. Kevin Yang has pubic hair. Kevin Yang had a kindergarten teacher. He's like the opposite of a Chuck Norris joke.

Kevin Yang is the new and the now. (For so many reasons.) We're not sure if this is just one of those things that's (ungodly) funny only to us, but we do know that he's here to stay. This is normally where we'd put a conclusion, but we've been trying (unsuccessfully) to think of a conclusion for the past hour and it just keeps turning into more Kevin Yang has...jokes. I think it's because we just don't want this to end. We don't think anything can be this funny ever again. Ever. We could die. Right now. Last meal? Different kinds of alcohol and forms of pasta.


[Tomorrow we'll post Pete's story. Congrats Pete, you won the free "sorr about the" bag from the all-new 2birds1blog merch store! You're no Kevin Yang, but we think you did just fine!]

91 comments:

Liz said...

Obviously, Kevin Yang is on the prowl....PLEASE host a 2b1b speed dating jager event for him?!


PLEASE.

Kelley said...

I vote for a "Every time a Kevin Yang sentence makes no sense, an angel gets its wings." t-shirt in the merch store.

Katie said...

I'm not sure that Kevin Yang HAS given good advice, ever, in his life. Nor have his friends, apparently.

Becky said...

bahahahaha this is the best

danielle said...

I second what Kelley said about the Kevin Yang shirt. Also, love the fact that he is for sale in your merch store.

Sarah P said...

I agree with Kelley, but I also think it would make a really good Christmas decoration - like one of those kitschy country white-washed boards with sayings on them.

Also acceptable would be a Kevin Yang bobblehead doll - on an old Elvis body, obvi.

Lemme know. I have my credit card out.

Anonymous said...

I am super excited to order my sorr about the bag bag right now!

but how come the district tee and stickers in your merch store have 3 birds on them??? Can you make some stickers that have the regular website logo on them?

A Nony Mouse said...

I'm totally buying Kevin Yang in your merch store.

thedrunxster said...

Hi, Kevin Yang here. This is really him and I'm typing this very fast in order to get ready for work. I'm naked eating a bowl of cereal. Any who thanks for the post. I'm not a total racist towards black people as I believe I used to a be an obese black woman in my past life.

And also, thank you for ass raping my story :)
Gay days is coming in a week to Orlando, but I doubt I'll be attending anything, just saying

Later. thedrunxter.wordpress.com

afadedline said...

GD it! 5.00 for Yang shipping? It's always the shipping that drives up the price.

Courtney Alexis said...

OMG. Kevin Yang is in the merch store! I think the sun just started shining brighter. But seriously, the icing on the cupcake (literally) was the side bar that offers merch categories: "bakery assistant".

"I laughed so hard I thought I might get my period" ... oh man. YES.

Sloptart said...

The best part of this is Yang's comment on this post. Did you really miss the sarcasm, you silly little Asian? Because you clearly don't realize that your entry, your name, and your entire existence...is a joke. OUR joke now.

Laura P said...

LOVE IT.

Also, I tried to order a tote, shipping to Canada, and the response I got was: "Sorry, 'sorr about the bag' doesn't ship to Canada". I literally almost cackled at work.

Elisa said...

I would totally buy and read "Kevin Yang and the Goblet of Fire." Dying laughing here...

Jill said...

In the immortal words of Meg: "What the FUCKITY FUCK??!?!" That's all I can say in regards to that entire story/Kevin Yang's existence.

Also...I'm going to need some clarification here. KEVIN YANG GOT 3rd PLACE?!?! Really? Something tells me he won't fully appreciate the regal-ness of the Meg/Chris framed photo.

My roommate sent in a story involving a pinata costume and a tattoo of New Hampshire that I would really like to see published on the interwebs. Any chance we can replace "No-Post Mondays" with some of the 2b1b merch store contest rejects?

Leigh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Leigh said...

OK, duh, its called the "district tee". Sigh.

Erin said...

i love that i can purchase kevin yang from the merch store....but i have a feeling that a sorr about the bag bag will have to do!

Sarah said...

Already ordered 2 totes - 1 for me, 1 for my roomie. Might be the highlight of my day so far...so excited. There was no mention of shipping method or time - any idea how long I have to wait for my totes, Meg?

Anonymous said...

I dont get the 3 bird logo Meg. Am I missing something obvious? I love the design of it but the 1 bird too many makes me nervous...

C. said...

I'M reading this on my iPhone, about to pee my pants at work!

Ladies and Gentlemen, Kevin Yang is the reincarnation of Dr Rueben. You KNOW it's true.

Whit said...

For those who are confused about the "3 bird" logo - check out the District of Columbia's flag...

L said...

I am dying. Thank you for making me laugh and snort inappropriately in my cube at work. Kevin Yang is amazing.

Kelley said...

Re-reading and noticed a couple things I didn't see the first time...

"It took about ten minutes of flailing my arms in multiple directions to realize that he was black"

WHAT?

"...and was probably into me."

Awfully fond of yourself, aren't you Kevin Yang.

Anonymous said...

what the hell is intra-dude 2nd base, over the pants hand job?

Nate said...

Meist!

Congrats on the merch store! It looks great! I'll totally be buying a 2b1b shirt once I don't have -$37 in my checking account and a thousand bills due next week.

Love,
Dr. Sinners

kerry a. said...

laughed so hard i wasn't sure what was going to happen next.

also, thank you, anonymous, for the 'what the hell is guy on guy second base' question. classic.

Anonymous said...

Is anyone else worried that they might drunkenly stumble into the merch store and actually buy Kevin Yang?

It might be worth the outrageous overdraft fees just to see "Kevin Yang" on my bank statement...

Snarky Bologns said...

For the record:
Kevin Yang's blog has gotten 40 hits in the last 30 minutes. As of 1:15 pm CST he had 2,050.

Updates to come.

PS: I had to take a breather after, "Nothing says a fun summer night like moderate drunk driving and a butt full of preservatives."

Snarky Bologns said...

2,171 hits!!

Allison said...

I think Kevin Yang is the gay version of a guy in one of my classes. Not only did he regal us with stories about orgies with married women and threesomes with random girls he met on Greyhound buses, he was also unable to string together words in the form of a coherent sentence.

BTW, my favorite line from Kevin Yang's author page: "certain characters and people may have fictitious names and identifying characteristics; most of which are true." Because fictitious and true are TOTALLY synonyms.

Elizabeth said...

Kevin Yang is as racist as a desk drawer. I want to have a metaphor war with him.

Rammi said...

Sorry, “kevin yang - drunk” doesn’t ship to United Kingdom

But I need to complete my azn collection!

Rammi said...

On second thoughts, boo. Nothing in your store ships outside of the US. :(

Anonymous said...

"Kevin Yang is as racist as a desk drawer. I want to have a metaphor war with him."

Elizabeth. That is fucking hilarious. I hope Meg calls you out and mentions this in tomorrow's blog - you totally deserve it.

Snarky Bologns said...

2,201!

Harriet Olivia said...

OMG, Meg, please arrange for an Elizabeth/Kevin Yang metaphor dance-off.

Also, your merch store hates me! That, or you don't ship to the UK. Either, or. But I wanted a "sorr about the bag" bag, damnit. I was even willing to pay over the odds in conversion charges.

(In the interests of disclosure, instead of "conversion" I initially wrote "money translation".)

Anonymous said...

I then inspected the sunglasses as if I were a mother gorilla checking my newborn for ticks.

Quote from the one and only Kevin yang

Anonymous said...

Meg - when will you be adding new products to the merch store? I'd love to see some stickers with the 2b1b logo!

The Lady Lover said...

First-time commenter...this post was ridic-In all the best ways. I love this blog. I love you guys. Can't wait to get my Sorr about the Bag bag.

Anonymous said...

Meg- NEW GUEST BLOGGER - KEVIN YANG PLEASE

Snarky Bologns said...

2,259 hits! That's 209 hits in two hours all thanks to 2b1b. You're welcome, Kevin Yang.

Katie said...

I vote for changing Kevin's price in your store from $1 million to priceless.

Anonymous said...

Metaphors/similies/sentences would be hard for you too, if you were ESL like Kevin Yang.

Kevin Yang: AZN ESL SOB.

thedrunxter said...

Hi, KEVIN YANG here again. Thanks for all of the love, even for those who show a strong dislike towards me. I have posted a thank you note on my blog and hope you take time to read it. I tried to write this one in my most sincere voice.
http://thedrunxter.wordpress.com/2010/05/26/my-gratitude-thanks-india-謝謝你們!thank-you-all/

Rivers said...

oh man, Meg. You've got to read Kevin Yang's "thank you" note. It takes Crazy, Stupid, and Grammatical Error to new heights. The most bizarre part of this whole thing is that I'm pretty sure any and all of y'all's irony and humor is completely lost on him. So many one-liners. way too funny. also a little sad. just plain bizarre more than anything else, though. wow.

Kevin Yang 4-EVER said...

Oh my god, his thank you note is fantastic.

...and I'm so stealing this from him for my resume - so succinct, yet telling: "I’m just a suburban 20-something Asian who works at a bakery and wears Vans."

pook555 said...

Hahahaha, it was Yang-tastic (and methinks Dr. Reuben MAY just have some competition in the so-crazy/offensive-it's-funny department)!!

Erica said...

As I started reading Kevin Yang's story I thought, "This would make an excellent drinking game."

And then you made it a drinking game and THIS is why I keep reading! <3 Meg!!!

Mary said...

UF is a "prestigious" university? This guy is delusional!

Abby said...

it's so hard to pick a favorite part of the Kevin Yang thank you post, but if I had to have just one, it's highly favorable that it would be:

"However, he’s also confused about Meg and Chris’ assumptions of me.

“Likes: chicken nuggets. Dislikes: black people; unkempt pubic hair.”

“Huh? What the fuck? KEVIN YANG DOES NOT EAT MOTHER FUCKING CHICKEN NUGGETS!"

I like nuggets, not chicken nuggets – nugget is another word for little people. I think they’re adorable and in case you’re wondering, I do not have a sexual fetish with nuggets."


wow. oh wow. oh wow. you can't even make this stuff up.



and I whole-heartedly agree with the anonymous poster "It might be worth the outrageous overdraft fees just to see "Kevin Yang" on my bank statement..."

jen said...

first of all, i bought a bag! secondly, i feel really awkward about this whole kevin yang thing. it is completely jay and silent bob to me. does he get that he was being made fun of??!? thirdly, i don't make lists.

in other news, i might be coming home in the middle of june. if you aren't free to spend 90% of my time home cuddling with me on a couch, the friendship is pretty much over.

Anonymous said...

I have not laughed this hard at the blog since your post about "I didn't know I was pregnant" and I laugh at it every damn day. My abs hurt and I think I peed a little. WELL DONE. ps buying my sorr about the bag bag now!

K-Yang said...

"So boo-yah and raise da roof."

Santa Chiara said...

"I have a post about befriending two black girls at an all black party and we still hang out." See, you guys, Kevin Yang isn't racist! He totally has a post about black girls! They even still hang out! KEVIN YANG DOES NOT SEE COLOR.

In all serious, though, you guys, Kevin Yang's blog rebuttal is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Other gems:

"As I am writing this at Starbucks, my ego is sitting across from me taking swigs from the flask I fill my vodka with, which I think he snuck in."

"You don’t eat clams – including mussels and oysters – or anything that resembles a vagina."

"I’m fine being referred to as Kevin Yang since it’s what most of my friends call me. They think my name is so 'catchy.' I’ve also been called K-Yang during my college days at the prestigious university I attended, University of Florida. And if you haven’t noticed my initials are after a popular lube."


Ohhhhh, K-Yang. Don't EVER CHANGE.

Jennifer said...

"I’m taking time out of happy hour to write this and I need to get it done before the specials go up."
kevin yang stikes again...HAHA

Jules said...

Can we please stop ripping on the University of Florida? It may not be Ivy League, but they actively recruit National Merit scholars and have a killer honors program. I loved it there.

The legend of Kevin Yang has been tainted for me :(.

Sloptart said...

"For starters, gin is for drunken old ladies unless she’s an old drunk."

Maybe we shouldn't make fun of Kevin Yang...I think he's mentally retarded?

J said...

Hey Anonymous-

The shirt's got three birds because there are three red stars on DC's flag.

James said...

these comments and this post are all too funny.
he called me up yesterday to tell me to check all this mayhem that's taking place and he's pretty much laughing at the whole thing.
kevin yang is funny. funny as in a random kid because i used to go to school with him. if any of you have a chance, fly to florida and have a drink with him.
now if i had a million dollars, i wouldn't go as far as buying him since he he's as useless as lindsey lohan's scram bracelet

Elizabeth said...

Totallyy down for an Eliz/KY jelly metaphor war ... Although after a few random _____ as a _____ (tired as a hiking boot, itchy as a witch's tit, you get the point), I think it'd be as funny as Kevin Yang's affinity for the KKK.


See what I did there?! Yeah, I don't either.

Anonymous said...

Can we please have kevin yang do a gues post, thanks that would be GREAT

Morgan said...

Is it just me or did he TECHNICALLY not go black? Wouldn't that require some sort of sexual...something? All they did was make out a bit. I mean, I don't think that counts!

me said...

i like that kevin yang's "thank you" note provided infinite angels with their wings.

Anonymous said...

I want to make love to Kevin Yang and have his half asian half black babies and form them to be english writers at theprestigious u of F

Anonymous said...

I'm so disappointed in Ass-Breath. He should know that when you hook up inter racially you are the ambassador for the entire race and you need to represent. His black card will be revoked at the next meeting. I'd stay and write more but there's a white girl who wants to use my black love to get back at her parents. I have no problem with this as I enjoy cream in my coffee. Peace

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"Do you even know what they look like? For all we know they can actually be real birds."
- Kevin 'KY Jelly' Yang

I had my suspicions in the past, but Kevin's skepticism really solidifies it.

James said...

For the record, that James that knows Kevin Yang is not the James that matters in this community. (Sorry other James)

Snarky Bologns said...

PS - KY's blog has racked up a whooping 1,500 hits since your post.

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Kevin Yang pays income taxes for frosting cupcakes.

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