5.20.2010

My take on a 2 Birds, 1 Blog tradition

Thoughts I Couldn’t Flesh Out into Full Entries, with an Emphasis on Retardation:

The Ku Klux Klan - A bunch of adults, out in the woods, dressed in fancy robes, calling each other “wizard” and “dragon.” They have a weird, hard-to-pronounce name, get fancier robes and insignia if they advance in the ranks, and fight vast, imagined conspiracies constructed by other races with weird powers. Is there any significant difference between this and a role-playing game carried too far?

“I want to burn that church.”

“Roll for it.”

“Aw, fuck.”

“Too bad, Claude. You just get to tell your co-workers that you think Wanda Sykes is weird-looking.”

How do they threaten people? “Beware the vengeance of the Klu Kux… shit. The Ku Klux Klax. DAMMIT.”

Fetishes – It suddenly occurred to me what an enormous financial outlay fetish gear must be, especially if you want quality goods. This must put people in the awkward position of having to borrow someone else’s until they decide it’s worth the investment. Also: furry costumes have be either machine washable or brought to the cleaners. What in the world do you say? “Oh, I entertain at kids’ parties. So, yeah, there’s a protein stain on the… there are a lot of protein stains, actually.”

Bus manners, crustacean department – I’ve been trying to insert this into a post for weeks and it just won’t fit anywhere. Months ago, I was on the trolley to go to work, and a man sat down across from me with a to-go box full of steamed peel-and-eat shrimp. He proceeded to eat them, tail and all, without peeling them, just a-crunching away. Even their little scratchy legs. I texted this to Meg and she refused to believe me, and I don’t blame her.

Bus manners, silent judgment department – My new game is called “White trash or retarded?” You get on the bus, and there’s a large woman wearing dirty canvas shoes, a Tigger t-shirt, and sweat pants. Her hair is unwashed, she’s staring into space, and eating cheetos with her mouth open. When the bus gets to her stop, she wipes her hands on her pants, leaving orange tracks, and tosses the empty package aside as she goes. Nature or nurture? Faulty genes, or careless upbringing? White trash or retarded?

Unpopular prejudices – Most of the retarded people I’ve ever met have been mean and hateful and spiteful and vicious. There’s this weird myth that they’re sweet little angels who teach everyone about love, tolerance, and guardian angels, but I’ve never seen this in action. I blame the Hallmark Channel and all those movies about Families Overcoming Obstacles Through Faith. And when a retarded person is mean to you, what can you do? Push them into the mud? No, because then if someone sees you, you’re being mean to a retarded person, a sweet little angel.

But sometimes they find love – My father used to work at Area Junior College, and like all public servants, had to deal with his share of lunatics. One such was a woman named Victoria Cross, who would take random classes and then show up at the professor’s office hours and just talk about whatever came into her head. She had a retarded husband named Charles, and when they were both somewhere this is how she introduced him: “Hi, I’m Victoria Cross, and this is my husband Charles. He’s mentally retarded.” Just like that. It makes me wish she’d been my mother, just to see how she’d introduce me: “Hi, I’m Victoria Cross and this is my son, Tulane Chris. He can roll his tongue.”

Last retardation note – One day, my mother said to me, “You know, I always thought my first child would be retarded,” and then kept on talking about something else. I am her first child.

On deserts – I would rather go to Iraq than Burning Man. According to my most beloved source, “something I read somewhere once,” the founder of Burning Man bounds around all day asking people what color their urine is. I’d rather be shot at.

On vast governmental conspiracies – I think the Democrats and Republicans are in cahoots. (Yes, cahoots.) Remember the health care debate? People kept just saying words, louder and louder: Families, Americans, working families, working Americans, fairness, responsibility, families, Americans, Constitution. I think the goal is to run us all so ragged we won’t protest when they start making Soylent Green out of us, and it’s working. Sarah Palin is dangerous not because she might get elected, but because she might never be and just keep campaigning, endlessly, like the Ghost of Elections Past, and drive everyone completely insane.

Anne Heche - I hate Anne Heche. I hate every single thing about her. Her face is too pointed in some places and too soft in others, and she always has one of those scraggle-mop “piecy” haircuts. She looks like a mean little songbird, the kind that kills other birds’ eggs or impales beetles on thorns. Her acting is about on the same level as a corpse being made to twitch with an electrode. She wrote a “how I survived child abuse” book, which appalls me on a number of levels. One, she wrote a “how I survived child abuse” book. Who buys those? If you were an abused child, why compare notes, and if you weren’t, thank your lucky stars and move on. Several people, who I’m inclined to believe, also challenged the truth of her account. I can’t imagine anyone would challenge someone’s child abuse story unless they knew otherwise for sure. She also has that shifty look on her face that just makes her look dishonest. She made an ass out of Ellen, which I won’t forgive. Your first is usually embarrassing. God knows, all of mine were. Ellen had the misfortune of already being famous (and in her thirties) when she had her first, and so everyone had to watch her droll and lick and grope her way over Evil Sparrow like a dog with a badly coifed bone. ANYONE who actually cared about Ellen would have slapped her hand away and insisted she behave, but not Anne Friggin’ Heche. And then what does she do? Pulls out that grand old song and dance, “I’m Not a Lesbian, I Just Have Daddy Issues and Want Attention.” (It’s to the tune of “And the Band Played On.” You have to hurry a little, but it works.) Anne Heche only ever managed to be the poor man’s Jenna Elfman, who is herself the poor man’s Tea Leoni. I hope someone puts a rattlesnake in her purse.

The Metric System – I don’t like the size of any metric unit. Liters are fine for beverages, but they’re too small for anything else. Alcohol, ice cream, and potting soil come in gallons, dammit. Centimeters will make online interactions even less tolerable – imagine when someone tries to interest you in a “throbbing nineteen centimeters.” Kilometers don’t impress anyone: “The car broke down and I had to walk five miles” vs. “The car broke down and I had to walk eight kilometers.” Eight kilometers is farther (I think) but since everyone already thinks of kilometers as ladies’ miles, no one will care. It’s like smoking a pack of Virginia Slims or a twelve-pack of Zima. Yes, technically, it’s a good amount, but it’s measured in lame units.

77 comments:

Anonymous said...

where's meg?

Anonymous said...

i love you tulane chris!! side note: am i ridiculously stupid if i thought tulane was a city up until, oh, yesterday? i realize now it is a university, but in my mind it was somewhere in texas.
-lucy

Anonymous said...

1 bird 1 blog?

All hail TC Week!

Anonymous said...

hahaha white trash or retarded

this will be a great addition to "fat or pregnant"

I think your posts are great!

Laurie said...

I DESPISE Anne Heche. She really made it difficult for me to watch Nip/Tuck for a while. She put on some accent that I couldn't even determine what it was. That combined with the face....

Anonymous said...

Don't mean to hate on you, TC, but I'm missing Meg. You're like the fairly good-looking wingman to the person we really want; the Robin to her Batman, if you will. Fine in moderation, but challenging to read several days in a row.

Meg - do you still love us?

nova said...

hahaha!! I play 'white trash or retarded' on the bus all the time. Sometimes...nay, usually it's both!

And...do the KKK really call each other stuff like 'wizard'? Oh boy I sure hope so.

Anonymous said...

10 points to TC for working a Soylent Green reference and Anne Heche into the same blog post.

Anonymous said...

Easy on the R word Chris

Jess said...

A few things:
1)Bus Manners, Silent Judgement Department White trash. Unfortunately, people like that don't even have the excuse of being retarded.
2) Unpopular Prejudices I have to agree. There was a "special needs" boy at my elementary school that used to chase girls around the playground trying to touch them between their legs. When I told the teacher, she was pretty much like, "LOLZ...He's just SPECIAL. Don't mind him." WHAT?! He is running around trying to MOLEST people! But that's ok, because he's SPECIAL. I wanted to hit him with gravel. But I would have gotten suspended. UGH.
3) I love you Tulane Chris. And I miss Meg. Not BUT. AND. There is a difference. :)

cconrad77 said...

Hahahahaha, I love your random musings Chris. I wish we could meet for happy hour every week.

Anonymous said...

Why is it Thursday and we still have no Meg post? I like having 2 birds on this blog, but let's face it...Meg is and will always be the main attraction here

Anonymous said...

if i were meg, i would punish you by not posting out of spite for you guys kind of being dicks to chris. k?

Tiffany said...

Awesome post, Tulane Chris! I love having you as the second bird!

Love in the Dumps said...

This is truly priceless, particularly the A.H. analysis. Bravo.

Josh said...

Haha Chris, it looks like everyone is giving you the Kanye treatment.

"Tulane Chris, I love you, and imma let you finish but.... WHERE THE EFF IS MEG?!?"

I've been enjoying your posts, keep it comin'

Ultraparadoxical said...

Hmmm. Your ideas on the metric system are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

Ashley said...

I agree with the metric system who-hah. Plus, my weak little mind just doesn't want to work that hard. :)

Nice post TC!

Grant said...

This was an excellent post. I miss Meg, too, but give the man his due. He's filling in more than admirably. Extraordinarily. Loftily. Adverbily.

Anonymous said...

this post had so many quotable moments for my gchat status... i can't even pick my favorite.

i do miss meggles, however; chris is a welcomed fixture!

Anonymous said...

if it's not red, i don't read it.
bring back meg.

That Kind of Girl said...

I'm a big fan of Chris's posts -- and lots of humor in this one, too -- but halfway through I kind of got distracted, imagining a world in which I could toss around phrases like "white trash or retarded?" without feeling crippled by guilt and self-loathing.

At first blush, fantasized a magically un-PC wonderland. But after a little reflection, it kind of seemed like a horrible world in which I could probably only vacation at most.

Now I'm confused and sad about the world. I think I need to give someone a hug after reading this post.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...
Easy on the R word Chris

RETARDED RETARD RETARDDDDDD

TC i love you. and i'd carry your child.

Casey said...

"Ladies' miles" is the best thing I've heard all week. Kudos.

On a similar note, I once had a boyfriend who lived in Canada. I just COULD NOT wrap my brain around the idea of using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit! I lived there one summer, and when I'd wake up in the morning and turn on the news, I'd hear the weatherman say it was 19 degrees. Every morning, without fail, I'd momentarily freak out wondering what the hell kind of Twilight Zone I was in where the temp peaked at 19 degrees in July.

weirdos, shut it said...

why is the anonymous asshole level at an all time high today?

TC you are wonderful. meg's probs still sick (um hi, read the last post she did).

assholes.

Mrs. B said...

...My new game is called “White trash or retarded?”... haha, LOVE IT! My friends and I play "Fat or Pregnant" and "Normal woman who wears a tampon or weird heavy flow woman who wears a pad" (otherwise known as T or P) If you don't mind, I'd like to add white trash or retarded to our list of games to play while visiting The Peppermill, Reno.

Anonymous said...

I love you TC, as I do Meg. However, I'm gonna have to go ahead and agree that the heavy use of the "r" word made this a bit unbearable and left me feeling uncomfortable. But not in a funny ha-ha way that I usually take away from this delightful blog.

K said...

Oh man, Chris, I used to really love your posts, but I'm honestly not sure I want to continue reading the blog. I'm not a politically correct person, and I strongly believe that we can't control our visceral reactions when responding to people who are different than us in big ways (especially when dealing with handicaps). In fact, it's no exaggeration to say that I have never before in my life been offended by able-ist speech. Yet I found these thoughts on mentally handicapped people to be so ignorant and vicious and just plain old needlessly hurtful that they actually brought me to angry tears.

Kathryn said...

i can't believe you didn't include this! another reason to hate on anne heche (thank you wikipedia):

"On August 19, 2000, Heche knocked on the door of a home in Fresno, California. Dazed and scantily clad, Heche said her SUV had broken down, asked to take a shower, and then made herself at home. When the police arrived a short time later, Heche, who had publicly announced the end of her headline-grabbing three-year relationship with DeGeneres the day before, declared she was God and would take everyone back to heaven in her spaceship. Press reports at the time explained that her disorientation was the result of mental illness—fueled by ecstasy, according to Heche—stemming from childhood abuse by her father, which led her to create an alter ego named Celestia, who was "daughter of God, half-sibling of Christ, and that she was to spread a message of love to this stricken planet before ascending into Heaven".

Jmarls80 said...

I am : these Anonymous Bloggers "politely" asking where Meg is :: you : Anne Heche. I think you're fab!
ps...Kilometers are 'lady miles'? YES!

me said...

ya, i agree...the use of the r word made the whole post hard for me to digest. tc, you are funny and witty without resorting to that kind of language.

Sarah P said...

I'm working on a piece about white supremacists right now, and I really like your analogy.

Also, you are right thefuck on with the Anne Heche thing. I don't understand why people continue to pay her. Did you see Ellen's SNL host monologue? It was the most brilliant fucking thing I've ever seen.

Do you ever wonder if you're actually retarded, but no one ever tells you because they don't want to hurt their feelings, and while you're telling them all about your latest date catastrophe or something, they're thinking, "Aw, special love is so sweet. I wonder what time is curfew at his home?"

Wait. So, a nonretarded person married a mentally challenged person? That seems like it should be illegal. Think of the abuse that could happen.

Raquel said...

I'm living in a country that's on the metric system, currently, and I simply refuse to learn what the distances or temperatures mean. It frustrates me South American friends but I feel like I have to stick to my principles. Thank you for this post!

Kaoak said...

TC, you are WONDERFUL! Coming from a lassie who has a mentally handicapped brother.. (and has also worked with the intellectually disabled her entire mid-teen to young adult life!) I do NOT mind your use of "the R word" At All. Everyone has their Own experiences with people with handicaps, and Unfortunately.. yours have not been so pleasant! Fortunately, you’ve got a long life ahead of you for you to be able to change your mind (or for them to change it for you!); and if that never happens, well then.. BlOh Well! Peace Out Rahtards!

With that being said, Metric System.. so great! I drink dark beer just so no laddy can pass off my style of drinking to amount next to nothing. It gets noticed, and I prefer it that way! I can keep up with the big dogs :)

Take Care Dude, and Keep The Posts COMING!

Miss You, Little Meglet!

Becky said...

love your posts, Tulane Chris! don't listen to the haters...

Anonymous said...

I agree with "me." You're awesome and funny Chris, you don't need to resort to hurtful words to get your point across and make us laugh. Surely someone who has boasted online about their SAT's can find a better way to phrase things.

Anonymous said...

Sadly, no one is drinking a 12-pack of Zima, because it's discontinued :(

Anonymous said...

calm down people, it doesn't appear that his aim was to offend or insult. in fact, the word "retarded" is used SOLELY to refer to people suffering from retardation. i'm not one to lightly toss around the term (and I doubt TC is either), but all too often an uproar arises when people see it used in ANY sense, including the correct one.

that being said, pretty solid post until I got to the last part, which put it into the outstanding category. liquor, ice cream and potting soil?? great examples. and the "ladies' miles" absolutely killed me...

Courtney said...

Remember when Anne Heche said she was abducted by aliens?

Courtney Alexis said...

I read this entry thinking, "Someone's definitely going to rag on him for his excessive use of the word 'retard'". I was right.

I think saying "that person is a retard" sounds incredibly harsh. For some reason phrasing it as, "that person is mentally retarded" just sounds a lot more politically correct. Not that I think TC is trying to be hateful (cuz I don't), I just think when you're writing for a large audience you have to be more mindful of what you say and how you say it.

But I like your writing Chris!

kwags said...

As for white trash or retarded, so funny cuz I play a similar game! Mine is homeless or really ugly?

That Kind of Girl said...

@kwags: How about "Homeless Or Hipster"? I work in a semi-sketchy area by a large university and it can honestly be hard to tell!

Nicole said...

TC, you're funny. In the wise words of 3LW "Playas, they gonna play and haterz, they gonna hate." You can say retarded if you want in the correct way and I won't care. Used as an insult...not too nice.

Anonymous said...

dcist is hiring a new editor....just sayin'

Emily G. said...

I don't know if I'm on board with the "retarded" portion of your game, but I absolutely engage in the white trash portion. My game mainly consists of fully admiring the outfit of said offender, and then contemplating the way in which he or she (usually she) got dressed in the morning, looked in the mirror and said YES. I am ready to leave the house, I am presentable. I am glad I donned my oversized (even for me) Minnie Mouse t-shirt and stained gray sweatpants that highlight my cellulite in all sorts of wonderful ways.

Makes me simultaneously giggly and confused at the same time.

krshiplett said...

I live in San Francisco and I get to play a similar game..."Crazy or Homeless." It follows the same rules and results in similar attire on public transportation.

emily said...

oh TC, you are maaahvelous dahling! 2 days in a row of snorting/LOLing at my desk. it had been a while. i needed that. twice! :)

come on people, calm the eff down already.

and i'm totally with emily g- i call it the "magical mirror". i'd like to know where they sell the mirrors that allow (usually rather overweight) individuals to get dressed in some type of heinous sausage casing, look in the mirror, and think "damn, i look good!" i want one.

Hillary said...

i love playing judgment games on the bus + around town.. my personal favorites are "homeless or hipster?" and "drug addict or schizophrenic?"

i live in portland, oregon, and let me tell you: there are so many of each of these kinds of people riding the bus with me (and plenty who fit into more than on category) that i'm never bored. thanks for the free show, public transportation!

LW said...

To anon that said

if it's not red, i don't read it.
bring back meg.

I mean, I totally understood your point when it was ex-coblogger Chris because all that kid did was complain...and not in a funny way. Eddie was okay. But Tulane Chris is as funny as Meg if not more so!!! Yesterdays post had me laughing out loud so hard I was embarassed and I was all by myself! Love you TC!!!!

Anonymous said...

i second the anne heche sucks and a rattle snake should be put in her purse...not to mention she stole my friends husband and had babies with him. true story.

Sarah said...

I'm going to go ahead and agree on the whole "retarded" section. Not too cool. I'm ok with you sharing your experience, but there was definitely a negative connotation.

Usually I'm all about the humor here, but this was just hard to swallow. Made me kind of disappointed. Bring back the not quite as offensive humor?

Anonymous said...

I'm gonna say it: Tulane Chris might be funnier than Meg

Semi-anonymous said...

I loved this post TC! And I don't read this blog for politically correct humor (uh, I thought that was obvious by some of the subject matter) so I'm confused by those offended by the retard comments (maybe Sarah Palin is commenting annonymously??). There was a junior high in my area growing up (not the one I had to attend, which was bad enough) which was where the "mentally challenged" (there! is that better??) had to go for the entire county. There were constant news stories about these "sweet, innocent" kids constantly committing violent crimes (stabbing, etc.) in the school, since a lot of them were criminally violent. So TC is spot on!

Plus, white trash or retarded = brilliant!

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Semi-anonymous said...

And the junior high above was for mentally challenged and regular kids, just to be clear.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Oh man, Chris, I used to really love your posts, but I'm honestly not sure I want to continue reading the blog. I'm not a politically correct person, and I strongly believe that we can't control our visceral reactions when responding to people who are different than us in big ways (especially when dealing with handicaps). In fact, it's no exaggeration to say that I have never before in my life been offended by able-ist speech. Yet I found these thoughts on mentally handicapped people to be so ignorant and vicious and just plain old needlessly hurtful that they actually brought me to angry tears.

I mean, people know this is a sardonic blog, right?

Anonymous said...

no one is standing up for the rednecks and rednecks are people too. TC: how dare you talk about rednecks in such a hurtful tone? I almost cried. SIKE come on people, lets take a step back and loosen up!

ashzilla said...

To everyone acting like dumbasses:

SHUT UP AND GET OVER YOURSELF!

There was nothing wrong with Chris' post AT ALL and nothing wrong with the word retard. PC bored idiots are the ones who came up with mentally challenged AFTER the words mentally retarded had long been around and widely accepted. Get over yourselves!

Chris, I got your back!

Cassie said...

Dear Tulane Chris,

It is my opinion that you are the shit. I look forward to your posts with the same enthusiasm as I look forward to Meg's, which is to say quite a lot.

Fuck them haters. Look, I don't understand why people get their panties all in a twist when somebody makes the perfectly accurate, if somewhat unpopular, statement that people with handicaps sometimes are not sweet, delicate creatures. Should they be treated with caring and compassion? Yeah. Should they be dealt with appropriately when they fucking stab somebody? Yeah. I don't see why these things are mutually exclusive. I also don't see why we're supposed to pretend like that sort of thing never happens.

I digress. Point being, Tulane Chris, I got yo' back.

Anonymous said...

I like your thoughts on the metric system. I work in Egypt with a bunch of other foreigners, but I'm the only other American. Whenever they say something like, "it's going to be 45 degrees tomorrow," I'm like "whatevs." I mean, come on, 115 Farenheit sounds SOOOO much more heinous than 45 Celsius. Celsius is for pansies.

Haterade said...

What is with all these commenters drinking Haterade before commenting? Have any of yall ever READ this blog before? Meg makes thinly veiled racist/sexist/able-ist (I can't believe I just typed that stupid fucking word) jokes all the time. How come none a yall get pissed when she makes fun of Jews, Blacks, Asians, Hipsters, fat people, etc? Why are retards any different? They aren't, that's how. Did all of you idiots get up and walk out of the theater after the "he's a re-tard" joke in The Hangover? I doubt you did, you probably busted a gut like everyone else in the theater. And if you didn't, you shouldn't be watching funny movies, reading this blog, or really interacting with anyone who has a sense of humor at all. Because you clearly have none.

Sarah said...

I agree -- too much R word! Don't get offended easily but you're way over the top here.

Anonymous said...

Prosecuted a man for a DUI who got drunk off Zima... who can stomach enough Zimas to get drunk??? Answer: White Trash v. Retarded

Anonymous said...

wow, must be something, sitting around your trailer park in your ratty robe, trashing people with special needs. You really need to get out more. You're a pathetic person who thinks that mocking people who are vulnerable will garnish you more hipster points. you make me sick.

Jules said...

Adding one more positive comment about Chris to cancel out a negative one:

This post was hilarious. The r word made me cringe, but it also made me think about why I was cringing, so that was okay, too.

Rock on, 2nd bird.

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