It's not you, it's me

[TRUE STORY: I got home from Anna & Talia's joint birthday party Saturday night at approximately 3am and instead of going straight to bed because I had to be at work in the morning, I stayed up eating instant oatmeal and watching the Chris Rock documentary, Good Hair. Why? Because I make unique and horrible decisions when I'm drunk. (Side note: those unique and horrible decisions used to involve things like, hooking up with strangers and/or general drunk drama. Now they involve fiber-rich breakfast foods and documentaries about African American hair. Meghan McBlogger: this is your life.)

I got home from work tonight and was like, "well, I'll just take a wee, tiny little cat nap and then wake up fresh and rejuvenated and write something. It's now 2:47 in the morning. I fail. Again. AND THEN! I remembered that Tulane Chris sent me two blog posts last week! Yep. No big deal. But he kind of SAVED THE DAY. No Post Monday avoided! And I want to make sweet, gentle love to him on a bed of hot oatmeal for it. Soooo, enjoy that mental picture. Take it away, Chris.]

After my mother, my boyfriend, and the Catholic Church, I am the first to admit my faults. I’m short-tempered, gassy, and lazy. I have combination skin and for the life of me can’t understand economics. I eat practically no vegetables and will sleep with almost anybody. But you know what I’m absolutely the worst at? Dating. Not in a sitcommy, “There are no good guys, I’m 32 and still not married, Chandler and Joey have a duck in the house” wacky way. I’m just bad at it.

Full disclosure: I am amazed that I have a boyfriend. I never wanted one. It seemed like too much trouble. Dating was a way to get laid, pure and simple, so I went into it with a bad attitude, the same way I approach most things. My shortcomings were as follows:

- I am terrible at small talk because I genuinely don’t give a good-God-damn. I can’t talk about my upbringing because I grew up in a boring town with weird people, so I can either talk about my town’s Slovak Heritage Museum or I can talk about my mom’s friend Bev who lived with us and was a topless waitress for the Lord. Both of these are bonershrinkers at best. I can’t talk about music because I simply don’t care about it the way other people do. It doesn’t make any sense to me to use “bands I’ve heard of” as a status symbol, which is why I hate Decemberist fans – they were so busy talking to each other about other bands and so concerned with BEING SEEN AT A DECEMBERISTS SHOW that I couldn’t hear the fucking music. I wanted to make lampshades out of all their fucking ironic Nintendo tattoos. I can’t talk about travel because I’ve been to Israel, New Zealand, and New Caledonia, and no one ever knows what to ask me about those places, so unless someone wants to talk about religious violence and weird birds, I’m still out of luck. I can’t talk about politics because I have weird political beliefs and I can’t stand earnestness. The second someone starts talking about “Getting out the vote” I just leave, because there’s no way I can get it up after that. The only safe topics are really pets and food, and that only gets you so far.

- On some weird inherent level, I don’t understand people who don’t go on dates at least somewhat planning to have sex. Intellectually, I know that some people do it to “meet people” or “have a good time,” but I can’t feel that. So whenever it looks like the evening is not going to end in sex, I get uncomfortable because I cannot fathom what this other guy wants. Does he just want me to buy him dinner? Does he want to “get to know each other” first? That’s a wash, because asking someone you know or, God forbid, respect, to have dirty sex is awful. If some stranger won’t do it, who cares? If someone you like won’t do it, then there’s A Conversation About Feelings and Boundaries.

- I hate having them over to my place, because then they’re in my house, and what if they won’t leave? Going over to His Place is bad too, though, for totally different reasons. SO many people have such DULL apartments. It was especially terrible when I lived in Austin, because there are so many boxy apartment building superstructures that it was like having the same one-night stand reflected over an axis or with different carpet. Also, most gay people have the same fucking wall art. Sarah Bernhart with absinthe in 1900? Wow, never seen that over some dude’s shoulder before. I also hate having sex with people with really tidy apartments, which – again – most gay people seem to have. I was always afraid I’d ejaculate on something that would have to be dry-cleaned.

- There are still people who don’t use condoms. I… what? Granted, I’m going to bed with people I don’t know terribly well, but I don’t want fluids just hither and yon, flowing like the mighty Nile.

- I’m not wild about emotions, so I don’t see the point in dating someone unless you’re completely head-over-heels or need a project to get you through a boring patch. I’ve known so many people who were always having these passionate, dramatic relationships, and it made me tired just to watch. Dating someone you dislike just so you’re not alone is incomprehensible to me – I’m dating someone I love despite preferring to be alone. I don’t understand wanting someone there just so someone’s there. I’d legits rather cut.

- I have night terrors. Not often, but regularly. So occasionally, I’d go home with some guy, Things Would Happen, and then in the middle of the night I start screaming in my sleep. Not like a little cute talk in my sleep, like actually screaming “No, no, no, no, no, no!” while sound asleep. Try talking someone into being friends with benefits after that. I do, however, take comfort in the fact that I turned into the story about The Guy Who Had Night Terrors.

- One guy insisted that we have sex to Linkin Park. VOM.

So, see? I have literally none of the skills required to be a good date except good table manners and being a decent lay. If Giant Camel ever leaves me, I plan to just write my phone number on men’s room walls. It may not be glamorous, but those boys seem to know what they want.

“Knock, knock.”

“Who’s there?”


“Sorr who?”



*Jac* said...

I love you, really, I do. I hate dating. It's awkward and boring and pointless. If I sleep with a stranger, I have to deal with the guilt trip; but if I don't get laid, it was a waste of a night. I just can't win.

Ali said...

I agree with Tulane Chris and Jac. Dating can almost be too much to bear sometimes, unless you're truly in love. But even if you avoid dating altogether, you'll still have needs that have to be satisfied.

Of course the problem with hooking up with random people or having a friends with benefits relationship is that sometimes it can make you feel slutty (or maybe that's just me). Sigh.

Mia R said...

Likewise, I am shocked I have a boyfriend.

I have night terrors on a more regular basis than "sometimes" and since we now live together he's gotten used to soothing me back to a reclining position (I have no idea that I sit up and scream in my sleep) instead of freaking out. Must be love.

Meg @ write meg! said...

True story: Things Have Happened between a boyfriend and I to the tune of the Decemberists. And yes, it was just as awkward as it sounds.

Laurie said...

I was watching Strange Sex yesterday and one chick had sex in her sleep. She had no idea she did it.

Wiggs (The Beholder) said...

So, about small-talk. I hate it too. It makes me shrivel inside.

Which is why I'm in LOVE with the first act on This American Life's episode called "Time to Save the World." Here's a link: http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/231/Time-to-Save-the-World

Basically, she decides that in order to eliminate small-talk, you have to pick up on the most personal detail that a person shared with you when you met them and ask them about that. There's one point where she's buying a movie ticket and ends up talking to the cashier about when he lost his virginity. Hilarious.

Anyway, screw small-talk, however you choose to avoid it.

Hails said...

1) " there are so many boxy apartment building superstructures that it was like having the same one-night stand reflected over an axis or with different carpet"
hahahha thank god for architecture in chicago
2) " I don’t want fluids just hither and yon, flowing like the mighty Nile."
lolololol forever.

Jen said...

Tulane Chris! You lived in ATX? When? Where? Do you ever come back? Why aren't we friends? Will you visit me? I am like, 4.7 minutes from dirty 6th...which I never visit anymore, but for you, I'd make exceptions!

Anonymous said...

Hear, hear! Lovely post Chris.

Anonymous said...

ROFL. I love Tulane Chris. Best co-blogger yet.

Anonymous said...

"Dating someone you dislike just so you’re not alone is incomprehensible to me – I’m dating someone I love despite preferring to be alone."

This sentence describes my love life better than anything I've ever read.

Nate said...

Can we hear someday how Giant Camel got that nickname? My brain is exploding with stories about why and how it came to be...

Also, Meist, you got my email on Friday, right?

Bridget said...

loved it. ah-gain.

No Name said...

wow. It's like someone just wrote EVERYTHING that I feel about being a gay man and dating in a hilarious entry. Thank you so much! I feel so hopeful knowing that there are other gays out there like me!

Sloptart said...

That's a little too much fluid/ejaculating talk for my Monday afternoon.

Anonymous said...

I don't get stranger sex. I realize I'm in the minority here, but really. I don't get how dating became ass-backwards where you now Things Happen before you even have shared a meal together.

Mike said...

I may not be the first one to notice this, but red and green are the colors the color blind have problems with, not red and blue, right? You should probably update the landing page which says "eg blogs in red/tulane chris blogs in blue/sucks if you're color blind." I unfortunately don't have any witty suggestions to replace it.

Anonymous said...

I've been to New Zealand and it was the time of my life!! But you're right...nobody else seems to be able to locate it on a map :/

Anonymous said...

I also agree. I hate dating. I having to tell my life story to each new person, because its really boring. I also hate listening to other people tell me about themselves because if we aren't best friends already I could really care less about you. I used to embrace slutty stranger sex, but in the last year or so I think I'm outgrowing it - I'm looking for more, I just don't want to waste my time going through the whole "dating" thing to get there

Susan said...

WHUUUUUUU?! did youtube take down the ostrick vid?!!

Claire said...

mkay, three things..
1) i've been in a relationship for a year and a half and we're completely in love! it started out just dating at first i had no idea he was going to be my husband someday!

2) is there a story behind why you call him giant camel? or is it just as perverted as i think it is? ;)

3) great post! nice job saving meg, chris!

holly pocket said...

Ah, I'm so happy that someone besides me has faced the dreaded mashup: night terror vs. sexytime

I would rather wake up in a puddle of my own drool wearing last night's whoregown than explain to another stranger why I wake up screaming and trying to get rid of/away from "the bugs".

This is just one of the many other reasons I'm glad I'm no longer single.

holdJagerBall2010InBoston said...

Love your posts, but work on your endings! Let it flow.

Layla @ The Midnight Garden said...

Great post!

Anonymous said...

I'll mention this in an actual post in case you miss it, but for those of you on the edge of your seats, he's nicknamed Giant Camel because he looks like one. He's medium brown, has big brown eyes with long eyelashes, and a sad mouth. He's also large, hence the "giant."

-Tulane Chris

Anonymous said...

I have never left a comment on this blog but that was awesome.

Thank you

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