Hit me baby, one more time

The past two weeks have been the most stressful at work yet. Since you precious people have to get your weekly magazines EVERY WEEK, we’ve been working three times as hard to put out three issues in 10 day to make up for the days we’re going to lose for Christmas and New Years. But today has been mysteriously boring as shit. Maybe it’s the weather. Currently Mother Nature is crapping all sorts of frozen shit on us. Some call it a “wintry mix.”

Things accomplished today: free pizza in Conference Room B! went to Jack’s 99 Cent Store and got LiveStrong-esque bracelets with Jay the photo editor. They’re red and say “BFF” in script flanked by candy canes, currently playing the “questions” game with my sister via gchat, and general slack-assery et al. Oh, here’s some shit—the magazine I work for is having their “Holiday Party” today and the Art Department isn’t invited! What the fuck is that? Literally every other department is invited except for us! I can hear them laughing and cheering as they open their Secret Santa gifts as I type. I love a good Secret Santa! Whatever…I don’t need our magazine’s half-hearted attempt at a holiday party (who has their company party in the middle of the day? Where’s the open bar?) I have a friend who works for Inc. Magazine and I’m being her hot date to their proper company party downtown tonight, followed by a sample sale on the Upper West Side. SO I DON’T NEED YOUR HALF-ASSED COMPANY PARTY ANYWAY FUCKTARDS!...now I have to go quietly cry in the corner.

So, my drinking career is going backwards. I started drinking early in High School and I never once puked, blacked out, or made a sloppy decision under the influence. That was when I was 15. Now I’m 22 and I can’t drink without puking, blacking out and making a sloppy decision(s). Let’s talk about this past Friday night.

Friday my dear friends Anna and Jill came to visit. So Friday night myself, Anna, Jill, Blair and Serena went to a housewarming party on Roosevelt Island. I didn’t know the hostesses, they are friends of my roommates, but I love a good party full of random people, so I was in. The actual party was pretty fun. I gots to chatting with a small group of random people and found myself asking them all the story of losing their virginities (also asking the guys how long they lasted; average answer: 1 minute) and other inappropriate questions one does not generally ask upon the first meeting. I think that should be the default icebreaker conversation, “how did you lose your virginity?” Because you meet someone and you do the “Oh how do you know blah blah? What do you do? Where did you go to school?” And you don’t remember any of it, nor do you really care about the answers. But I will remember Erick the 23 year old who lost his virginity in his best friends bed and lasted “about 3 minutes” until the day I die.

Much alcohol was consumed, that’s a given. Because I’m working backwards in my alcohol career, lots of mixing of beers/alcohols (clear, brown, champagne) were consumed, so I was properly drunk. When it was time to leave the party (one man down, poor Blair didn’t make it home, opting to puke in a bucket and pass out on the floor instead) Jill and Anna exited with some guy who’s name I do not remember (but he lost his virginity in a nice hotel in the city with a girl he had been dating for a while and lasted “60 seconds max”) and his girlfriend. As they were walking down the hall to the elevator, Jill simply said, “Make sure you take care of your girlfriend, I think she’s pretty drunk.” Now there is no malice in that statement. The girl spent the entire party passed out on a bed in a drunken stupor. Facts are facts. This statement somehow pissed this random girl off, as she snapped out of her blacked out state, ran out of the elevator and slapped Jill across the face. In a “I KNOW YOU DID’NT” moment, Anna and Jill started clawing at the girl in the elevator who was being protected by her boyfriend. That’s when I exit the party and see this scene playing out. Being the good Samaritan I am, I ran up to see what was going on, realized some sort of fight was ensuing and put myself between the crazy couple in the elevator and my friends. I turned sideways, looking at my friends and said “Hey what’s goi---“ and that’s when the crazy bitch in the elevator punched me in my right eye. I got punched! I’ve never been hit in my entire life! And she was a size zero hipster dump! The shock of this flew me to my ass. As I lay there, I saw the elevator doors start to close. It was at that point I remembered my family motto (“Never fuck with a ::insert my last name here::””, said “NOPE,” got my ass up, grabbed the elevator door just as it was about to close, and like Superman, pried it open. I started charging furiously at the hipster she-dump before some random guy grabbed me and held me back Jerry Springer style.

It gets better, order another round.

After this debacle, we decide to run to the subway and try to catch the fucktards and give them a beating they wouldn’t forget. I ran ahead of the group, as I am in full diva don’t fuck with me mode, and ended up at the end of the subway platform alone. Alas! Those assholes got away. I stood there defeated. I turned around to see a group of thugs staring back at me. “Some dumb bitch punched me and I was trying to catch her so I can beat her ass in!” I explained to the head hood. I was met with sympathetic “Shit girl”s. They turned out to be really cool people! They informed me I had a “runny mascara situation” where I had been hit and I sassily told them not to worry about it. Then one of the thugs looked at me and said, “So we gonna smoke this blunt or not?” to which I said, “Spark that shit up! Pass that shit to me!” to which he said, “SHIT GIRL, there’s an established circle, you new to the crew, wait yo turn!” to which I said “Well then hurry up and light that shit!” And then I smoked a blunt with my newfound thugalicious friends. Soon my friends caught up and we boarded our subway home. It turns out that copious amounts of various alcohols, found drugs, and a rocking subway car do not make for a good time. It was at Smith and 9th street that I calmly exited the train and threw up in a well-placed trashcan. Thank you MTA. The next thing I remember is lying in my bed thinking “Well that’s not a good sign” as Jill told me how big to open my mouth and I struggled to accommodate the small piece of cake she was trying to feed me. I was hung-over well into the next night. Oye.

I find myself saying this more and more, but I’ll say it again for good measure: only me.

Sha la la!


Anonymous said...

I am always called a sex worker, and you are always offered drugs from random guys.

Maybe we are living false lives and we missed our true callings?!?


Unknown said...

Creator accessories should get that they are kept competently so they can very last for your more rolex replica uk. You'll also prefer to manage these folks inside an easily accessible vicinity so you're able to often be when in close proximity to them when probable. This is 1st measure for the business enterprise. You must devote a person's simple home elevators diverse areas, such as gucci replica style and design, finding on the deliver company, promotion promo and a few expenses expenditures to get business enterprise detailing plus correlate fees. Obtaining these baggage includes become a condition sign dependent upon a circular image you actually merge by using and also desire to. At my the neck and throat of your wood it's the hermes replica who has turned out to be. A large click together with the hublot replica uk plus obtaining a person cards you actually in their personal pub, its reverted in to pool national healthcare without absolutely everyone have enough money for so that you can be a part of around.

Master Pitcun said...

Nice Post. Minecraft Account
Thanks for Info.

Berita Lowongan Kerja said...

Happiness comes when you believe in what you're doing, know what you're doing, and love what you do.

Manfaat Bawang Bombay said...

I believe that what you feel is very important as how you look beautiful and healthy.

Phen375 US Weight Loss said...

Fast weight loss online purchasePhen375

Anonymous said...

I am Ankita Agarwal Independent Call Girls in Mumbai. I am always available to provide more good escort service to you guys. Mumbai Escorts invites you and wants to offer you a lot where we will experience something new together.
Mumbai Escorts
Escort Service in Mumbai
Mumbai Escorts Service
Escorts In Mumbai
Mumbai Escort Service
Mumbai Escort
Indore Escorts
Indore Escorts Service
Escort Service in Indore
Ludhiana Escorts
Ludhiana Escorts Service
Escort Service in Ludhiana

holdpuris said...

You wrote and published some articles, for which we thank you, if I have complete information, then keep decorating like this, your website is very interesting, to invest in the Indian stock market, get a Demat account for free by our company. Open Free Demat account is provided with trading related solutions and other features
Open Free Demat Account
Demat Account
Stock Market

seocom said...

شركة تنظيف سجاد بالمدينة المنورة
تعتبر أعمال السجاد من أهم أعمال النظافة التى تعبر عن مدى جمال المكان لذا توفر شركة تنظيف سجاد بالمدينة المنورة أفضل تنظيف للأثاث مثل السجاد أو الموكيت وكذلك أعمال تنظيف الكنب والستائر وغيرها من بلاط أو سيراميك أو باركيه بالاعتماد على الطرق المواسبة للتنظيف فنحن الشركة الأولى التي تساعدك على إتمام أعمال التنظيف بصورة متميزة اتصل الآن .
شركة تنظيف بيوت بالمدينة المنورة
شركة تنظيف بيوت بالمدينة المنورة لأمهر تنظيف للبيوت والفلل والقصور والاستراحات من غسيل كنب ومجالس أرضية موكيت سجاد مع التعطير بأجود مواد إيطالية لنظافة واجهات زجاجية وتلميع أرضيات السيراميك وجلي رخام وبلاط مع التلميع نظافة واجهات الحجر بالرمل والصاروخ تواصل معنا لتحصل على مبتغاك على الفور عبر الإتصال بالأرقام الظاهرة أمامكم .
شركة مكافحة حشرات بالمدينة المنورة

شركة مكافحة حشرات بالمدينة المنورة لإبادة العقارب والثعابين لذا من الجيد أن تستعين بخدماتنا لكوننا الأفضل في عالم مكافحة الحشرات والزواحف خاصة العقارب والثعابين لأنها تشكل خطراً كبيراً على حياة المواطنين لذا نستخدم بمجموعة من أحدث التقنيات والمعدات التي تساهم في التخلص منهم بإستخدام أجود المبيدات ذات المفعول السريع اتصل بنا على أرقامنا على مدار الساعة .

seocom said...

شركة تركيب طارد الحمام بالمدينة المنورة
تتنوع خدمات شركة تركيب طارد الحمام بالمدينة المنورة والتي تشمل تركيب طارد للحمام فوق أسطح المباني والمنشآت كما يتم تركيب شبك على الشبابيك وصناديق لكي تقوم بحماية المكيفات من أسراب الطيور والحرص على المكافحة الدورية بالتقنيات الحديثة فنحن متخصصون فى تركيب اشواك الحمام المانعة لوقوف الطيور فلا داعي للقلق من الطيور على المكيفات والشفاطات.

شركات عزل الاسطح بالمدينة المنورة
نحن أفضل شركة عزل اسطح بالمدينة المنورة عامله بمجالات عزل الأسطح المتنوعة فنحن لدينا الكفاءة المهنية والخبرة باستخدام أحدث وسائل العزل بالاعتماد على العوامل الحرارية المختلفة فنحن نتمتع بأفضل المعايير التي يتم الاعتماد عليها بعد تدريب مجموعة العاملين على مستوى عالي من التميز والخبرة بالاعتماد على مجموعه من أبرز الأساليب الحديثة والمتميزة التي تخلصك من الرطوبة وحرارة الشمس.


شركة عزل خزانات بالمدينة المنورة
توفر شركة عزل خزانات بالمدينة المنورة مواد العزل المستخدمة بالعزل بأعلى معايير السلامة والأمان فلا بد أن يتوافر بمواد العزل الأمان من الدرجة الاولى لأنها ليست من الرفاهيات بل تحتك بشكل مباشر مع المياه التي يستخدمها الناس لذلك فاستخدام بعض المواد ذات الجودة القليلة ينتج عنها إصدار روائح كريهة تسبب تفاعلات كيميائية مع المياه وظهور المشكلات التي تضر بصحة الانسان.

Call Girls Mumbai said...

Great News Mumbai

anamika said...

You have made us aware of the important information about Linux, for which we thank you, you are a good writer and experienced, and we will share this thing with your friends. Mumbai Dating Service |

Clicky Web Analytics