An Annotated Anthology of Awkward

One of my defining characteristics has always been that I'm "charmingly awkward." Charmingly awkward just means that means I've come to terms with the fact that I'm awkward and frequently find myself in awkward situations, but said awkwardness doesn't interfere with being able to function in society on a daily basis (for the most part). Well, tonight I was feeling a bit nostalgic and decided to read the LiveJournal I kept in college. I thought my emo little Internet journal would be full of rich and compelling entries about growing up, finding myself, discovering what I wanted to do with my life and the like. Instead, my journal is basically an anthology of awkwardness. I feel like at least 70% of my entries end with one of the following: "God I'm so awkward," "God my life is awkward," or "I am so painfully awkward."

Here are some choice excerpts:

  • In college writing this morning we had a round table discussion that I was not having. Instead I decided to fantasize about watching Golden Girls and eating a delicious bagel with Helena, Caitlin and Allie after class...because the only reason I go to college writing is to get a bagel on the way back. Anyways, apparently I was thinking about how sweet my bagel would be when people started counting off 1 through 5 as a means of assigning groups for some activity we had to do. So then all of a sudden I'm hearing "1,2,3,4" and then everyone is looking at me and I had to be like "uhhh...how high are we counting here?" and my professor was like ".....5. You are 5." God I'm awkward.

  • Yesterday I had a total Tommy Boy moment. I got out of Religion early because we had a test, so I was going to jet over to Hurst to drop a paper off that was due in a half an hour. So I walk up the marble stairs to the old doors and I was tugging on them and it wouldn't open and I was like "SHIT! THEY LOCKED 'EM!" I was pacing back and forth wondering what I was going to do. Finally I just walked away and then these construction workers were like "MISS, YOU JUST HAVE TO PUSH THE DOOR NOT PULL!! IT'S NOT THAT HARD!" I was like "oh...hah...thanks." Awkward.

  • I was so tired this morning. When I was getting coffee before class, instead of pouring the cream into my coffee and throwing the empty container in the trashcan, I poured the cream in the trashcan and then dropped the container into my coffee. A janitor laughed at me. God I'm awkward...
  • I fell asleep in class today but snapped back awake when my head did that dozing off thing. I went to chug some coffee and didn't realize my mouth was no where near the opening...so I just put the cup up to my mouth and leaned back and poured coffee all over myself. Ugh, awkward.

  • Today I was writing my paper and listening to my itunes and I double clicked the song "Bootylicious" and a window popped up that said "WARNING: YOUR COMPUTER IS NOT AUTHORIZED TO PLAY "BOOTYLICIOUS" I died laughing because all I could think of was "Kelly, can you handle this? Michelle, can you handle this? Beyonce, can you handle this? Meg's computer, can you handle this? I DON'T THINK YOU'RE AUTHORIZED TO HANDLE THIS, WOOOOOOOO!" ...Sorry. That was awkward. [note: It's a whole other level of special when you can make it awkward with yourself in your own personal journal.]

  • My dorm phone has been broken for a really long time [note: dorm phones?! How archaic!] Some old guy was just banging on my door. I freaked out thinking it's the guy that's going around harassing girls on my floor, but it turns out he's here to fix our phone. Finally! The only problem is that I have Golden Girls on and he keeps stopping to watch it for extended periods of time. He's like openly laughing out loud at it. I really have to take a shower now, but I don't want to prance around in my robe for him.Ugh, I don't want to awkwardly ask him to stop watching Golden Girls and fix my phone and get out of my dorm....This sucks.

  • I forgot to bring a jewel case for the CD that my design project is on. So what do I use to protect my CD? A ZIPLOCK BAG WITH LITTLE BITS OF CRUNCHED GOLDFISH CRACKERS AT THE BOTTOM I FOUND IN MY MESSENGER BAG FROM GOD ONLY KNOWS WHEN. Who the fuck does that? And then to compensate, I wrote "sorry about the bag" on it, but I forgot the "y" in the word sorry. So I had to draw a little carrot and a y, making myself look like an even bigger asshole. So now I'm that girl who came into class 20 minutes late the first day, who's computer is never connected to the server and who presented her first project in a ziplock bag with bits of goldfish crackers and "sorr about the bag" scrawled on it. I am so fucking awkward. [note: I damn near had a panic attack remembering this incident. The next time our class met, the professor (whom I had such a huge crush on) held up the bag in front of the entire class and delivered a five-minute lecture on how disrespectful I was and how designers who don't take pride in their deliverable should change their major. I have never felt so stupid in my entire life. I went back to my dorm room and cried my fucking eyes out. Oh my God.]
  • This morning I remembered that I was freak dancing with Danielle's Big's boyfriend at formal Saturday night and he randomly asked me what my favorite letter is. Regrettably, I answered with "DUH, it's R" He asked why, to which I responded "because RRRRRrrrraaaaaaarrrrarrrrr" whilst doing a sexual cheetah-clawing motion at him...awkward.
  • I seriously am the most awkward person alive. I should not be allowed to interact with people. For one of my rolls of film, I took a picture of these two puppets my dad brought back from Thailand. I had just made a test of the contact sheet with those pictures on it when in swoops the fabulous Iwan [legendary hip photo professor at AU] with his fabulous Gucci shoes and matching belt all- "Darling, let me see that." So I hand him my contact sheet all nervous like. He sees the picture of the Thai dolls and goes: "Ohh! You have Asian parents?? You were adopted, that's FAHHHBULOUS!" My response: "...Yes. Yes I have Asian parents." Iwan: "That is fabulous!" Me: "...Yea, adoptions not bad." WHAT THE HELL?! Who does that?? So he can never meet my parents and/or I'll have to hire Asian actors to be my parents if he ever needs to meet them.
  • This morning in Gender in Society, we were discussing "The Glass Escalator" which is when men enter "women's fields" like teaching and get promoted quickly to administrative positions because they are men...patriarchy...matrix of domination...blah blah blah. Anyway, all I could think of was Mr. Feeny from "Boy Meets World" and how he was first their middle school teacher and then followed them to high school and finally was promoted to became a college professor. Mr. Feeny like owned the Glass Escalator. Then I couldn't stop thinking about how hot Eric Mathews was. And how comical Rider Strong's name is, and how odd it is that he's gay. Who knew?! Then I realized why I have an A in the class and a D in participation. So when I was walking to Art of the Renaissance, I was still thinking about my Mr. Feeny-Glass-Escalator-Theory and blatantly tripped and fell flat on my face in the quad, producing a giant cut on my leg, which was bleeding during class. So there I am, bleeding-out in the middle of class trying to take notes and maintain consciousness. Why is my life so awkward?
  • [This is a story about doing a design project with a senior designer who I had a crush on when I was a freshman] It was one of those situations where in your head you're thinking, "OMG WHY ARE YOU BEING SO AWKWARD?! THIS IS NOT YOU! SAY SOMETHING BACK TO HIM, HE JUST ASKED FOR YOUR OPINION!!!" and all that comes out is "Uhh, yea. Good stuff." I think I said "good stuff" like 80 times. And of all the lame things to say, why "good stuff"?? We later had to relocate to the design lab in McKinley. Once we got there, he used this random-ass back entrance that I didn't know existed. I didn't want him to think that I was some amateur 19 year-old design girl, so I was like err yea I know where I'm going. So we walk in and I head for the left hall and he heads right. Hot Design Boy: "Oh...you go that way?" Me (trying not to star in amateur hour): "Oh yea...all the time. But let's go your way!" Hot Design Boy: "Oh no, I want to see your way, I didn't even know you could go this way." Me (thinking 'oh shit I have no fucking clue where I’m going, this building is a maze'): "Umm okay...follow me!" So I lead him around the building for like 5 minutes not knowing where the hell I'm going. At every intersection he'd go one way and I'd go another and he'd be like "Oh...you can go that way?" until finally he was like "...you don't know where you're going, do you?" ::Meg hangs head in shame:: "That's correct, sir." So. painfully. awkward.

  • I awkwardly outed Andrew to our entire comm class today. We were sitting in class at the conference table and Andrew informed everyone that the British Navy is apparently trying to recruit gay men. So I slapped Andrew on the back and said, "HAHA! Looks like you're going to sea Andrew!" He was not thrilled. But that just gets him back for the time we were having lunch with a bunch of people that I didn't know and he chose to break a lull in conversation with "Hey, did you guys know that Meg invented the blow job and now calls it a "Row Job?"
  • This morning when I was walking back to my apartment, Scott Kalman (better known as "Sweater Vest Scott") was approaching. We proceeded to (and in COMPLETE synchronization) do the meeting of eyes and slow head-nod to acknowledge each other. However, we did this social ritual faaarr too early. So after we did the head-nod, we were still walking towards each other for about 10 more seconds. And we were both listening to ipods, so we couldn't really do the "How are you?" courtesy conversation to pass the time, so we both just kind of awkwardly kept nodding our heads. It was intensely awkward. And I couldn't help but laugh. Which added to the awkwardasity of the situation. It reminded me of the time over the summer where I ran into Jeremy and we hugged, but he added the courtesy cheek kiss to the mix. I hadn't taken him for the kind of guy who busts out the courtesy cheek kiss, so I didn't reciprocate, instead I thought about how I really didn't take him for a courtesy cheek kisser and then I was like shit, COURTESY CHEEK KISS BACK ASAP! So, a delayed five seconds after our hug was over I was like.......MWAAAA, and kissed him on the cheek, which at that point just seemed like a random and oddly affectionate thing to do to someone I'm not that great of friends with. Awkward.
There's a fine line between quirky and Asperger's. And apparently in college I was flirting with that line. A lot.


Anonymous said...

omg. this made me so happy. golden girls for life.

<3 ash.

Anonymous said...

this made me LOLZ in my quiet cubicle for about ten minutes with tears streaming down my face, until my cube mate had to ask what was the matter.


Andrew said...

A few comments...

1) RIDER STRONG IS GAY?!!?!? How has this fact been kept for me for so long?

2) I totally forgot you invented the blowjob.

3) If you weren't awkward, I'm not sure we could be friends.

Anonymous said...

True story: I saw Sweater Vest Scott at some point after graduation and, in an effort to avoid the premature head nod, was almost hit by a car.

Unknown said...

thank you for having these god awfully amazing life experiences so that i didnt have to have them. but i can laugh at them, and laugh so hard that i cry at them. although im sure many of them did actually make you cry. sorry bout that.

Anonymous said...

only you sir, only you.

xoxox, your wifey

Anonymous said...

meg + computer + Destiny's Child's "Bootylicious" = comic GOLD

Anonymous said...

I just laughed so hard I woke my room mate up. Well done.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Ash- We should have a Golden Girls marathon after our It's Always Sunny... marathon. Because lord knows both Alex and I have all of the seasons on DVD.

Jillian- I can't wait for TDR Sunday.

Andrew- It's an unconfirmed rumor that R. Strong is gay. Ask Bryan Gay Brown.

Helena- HAHAHAHA. I would be so excited if I saw Sweater Vest Scott. I miss that kid. But not as much as I miss Condescending Scott. We need to road trip to USC to visit him.

Anna- Remember tonight when I told you that the Jewel case story is still traumatizing and not funny yet. And then you promptly read it out loud to Talia and could barely get it out you were laughing so hard? I love you.

CK & Anon- <3

Anonymous said...

dude, i saw got it together ashley on the metro a few days ago!!

Tyler said...

i'm laughing so hard i'm shaking. good thing i decided to read this after class...that would have been awkward

Sally Jo said...

I sincerely want to be your friend.

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Kiki said...


oh shit. this reads like the American version of my life. i have actual tears. and cringes of OMIGOD coz i know how you feel.

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha these made me laugh so hard! In the privacy of my own bed on a Friday night...but that is neither here nor there. The Bootylicious one is toooooo good.

PS: Rider Strong is actually more like Ridehim Strong?????? Who knew..

Anonymous said...

reading this made me feel so much better about my own messy awkward self. i laughed at all the incidences of awkward while thinking to myself...this.. is.. my.. life. thank you for sharing..and being brave enough to as i'm far too horrified about my own awkwardness to put my experiences out there.

andreas said...

That`s fuckin funny! I just wanted to tell you how I got in here 3hours ago. First I just wanted to say that this is the first blog I`ve ever read, I don`t read blogs, that`s not why.(Is this comment thing just for friends btw?) Whatever. I`m writing a bachelor thesis on "meerkat manor"(the show on animal planet) and I was reading an article about that, actually I can`t remember what I was doing, it`s been 3hours. I think there was a link to 20facebook faces, clicked, loved it. And after reading randomly I`ve decided to start at the beginning of your blog but not today cuz I have to hand in my thesis in 3hours, and I just lost 3hours reading stuff here. anyways peace&love from Norway

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

NORWAY?! Yes please!


Anonymous said...

Like Norway, I have to turn in a senior termpaper in a matter of hours. However, I continue to read archived posts. I needed to comment on this one because I laughed out loud and now my roommate is suspicious of how hard I'm actually working.
Evil bitch.

jen toppe said...

hahahahahahahahahahaha! i just found this old blog. im laying in bed (naked) feeling really hungover and contemplating suicide. i decided to go back and read old blogs of yours, cause a good laugh might make me feel a little less like im on my death bed. and i just laughed out loud alone in my room for the entire length of that. you should know that when awkward things happen to me (and they happen pretty often) i think of how you might write about it in your blog and make it seem funny, and it makes me feel a LITTLE bit less awkward about the situation.

Timothy said...

Oh. My. God. This has to be like the funniest thing ever. I am sorry it is at your expense, but CHRIST! You are amazing. LMAO

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"this made me LOLZ in my quiet cubicle for about ten minutes with tears streaming down my face, until my cube mate had to ask what was the matter." me too! wow, you send out the best karma into the world.

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My work colleague sent me this blog to cheer me up after I, in my infitine wisdom, decided it would be good to engage in small talk with a senior manager at my work and end up explaining for the next 5 minutes that I did in fact know Machu Picchu was NOT in Tanzania....I did know that...I swear. sigh. awkward.

Alice said...

Sitting in my cubicle trying to stifle intense laughter by breathing heavily out my nose...god knows what my colleagues think I'm doing. Alls I know is 14 glorious minutes have gone by since I decided to use the last torturous 2 hours of my friday afternoon to read 2birds1blog.

Jenny said...

Reading this caused an awkward moment.

I am a student at UNCW, and was just reading this in a (very quiet but crowded) computer lab. I could not contain my laughter, but thought I had it under control. Then when my ipod died I realized I was laughing way louder than I thought. awkard.

Haley said...

Oh my gosh, I feel like we might be BFF soulmates. I'm JUST like that. Only maybe even more awkward.

KellyAlysia said...

sometimes i backtrack on entries to catch up since I only recently began following 2b1b...and omggg Meg this one is such a winner.

My sister and I sat down last night and went through our old livejournals (mine from high school) and peed our pants laughing at them and their absurdities. I had to make my entries all private they were just that embarrassing and I can't risk someone stumbling on it someday. I love that you kept an lj too. I think it used to be really hip.

ANYway holy crap i just read and re-read the one about you in the McKinley maze about 5 times, laughing harder each time. so damn funny.

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Meredith said...

My co-worker at my new job (who is super cool) told me to read this, so being mildly OCD, I started from the beginning and just came across this post. I am seriously concerned that my new boss thinks I have epilepsy because I was shaking so hard at my desk trying not to laugh out loud. I love the Blog (particularly reading about the annoying things that people do on Metro that piss me off TOO!) I'm now a loyal fan!

Anonymous said...

It's so easy to forget how priceless awkward memories such as these can be. Cheers!

carie said...

i love your blog. every time i read i literallllly LOL. thank you!

Lacey said...

Just so you know that the awkward lives on...I read my 2b1b too early today (July 21, 2010) and then I got depressed because it was 11AM and I was STILL at work, silly me. So I decided when the moment I was about to pry open one of the non-openable windows in my tower office at McPherson Sq. and take the plunge, maybe I'd just go back into the archives and amuse myself with a post I hadn't read. Totally worth it--I might lose my god-awful temp job because they think I'm over here huffing glue, but whatevs, totally worth it.

Gabrielle said...

So I know it is lame and awkward to leave a comment a few months after a post is actually written, but meg's last akward moment just made me relive one of mine!!

One month ago, I spent the evening with a very hot guy I did not know, who was very friendly, but the evening was not romantic in any way, he was giving me tips about a trip I was about to take.
Anyway at the end of the evening, he walked me to the door, kissed me on the cheek and gave me a hug, and I really did not know how to reciprocate that, and in the fraction of second it took me to react, I was in the hug and found myself kissing him in the neck (awkward!!!)
He gave me a weird look, said goodbye and kind of closed the door in my face.
I facepalmed myself all the way home and cringed at the mere thought for days!!!

SpunkyDuck said...

First: I am a newcomer to your bloggy goodness, but have spent the past six hours of my weekend retail job reading past entries and ignoring customers. That said...

Second: my friend sent me the link to this post asking if someone out there was pretending to be me living in DC. So I read this post, and responded to her with one word "TWINSIES!" which I have now discovered you TOTES use all the time. So please, come to NY and we can hang out and be awkward together as only total strangers can do. the end.

beth said...

i am determinedly reading through all of your archives because i think you are that hilarious. there have been many posts that i've laughed out loud over, but i just had to share that the bootylicious story actually made me laugh so hard i cried a little.

Alyssa said...

So a friend just linked this too me and this is essentially my life right now! Just started at AU and I'm definitely full of these awkward moments. Yay for drifting off in morning classes!

Anonymous said...

You are a fucking riot! Charmed indeed with the gift to turn a shame on me awkward moment into a hilarious comedy skit. Not only are you a talented writer but also a natural comedian. How much more awesomeness can you stand? Very cool! Thanks for the reminder that we tend to take ourselves way too seriously. I am actually able to type LOL without exaggerating. For now on, thanks to you, awkward is the new cool. Love your life.

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Constance in Florida said...

I am a mother of five children (my eldest attends the University of Ky,an 11,7,&8yr old, & my youngest is two with special needs),so I haven't had time to figure out what a "blog" is'til tonight. I do have Asperger's & experience daily "awkward" moments. People tend to think I laugh a little too hard at these moments & my bizzaaarre (but keen)observations, but often it's ToLaugh or ToCry. This eve I was very depressed thinking how I am, perhaps, the only one odd enough to laugh at these moments (& worse off than I realized), when you turned my heart around! Thank you & I hope you continue to share your thoughts on all things. BTW, my eldest son's Fbook has all 20 poses you mentioned. Plus him posing on his "super sexy" motorcycle, fanning two hands full of hundreds,in his expensive car, Ky Wildcats fan/wildest party boy on game day,etc. About two mins ago he came in & asked if I would take a pic of him on the beach with no shirt because he's been working out & wants to post it on his Fbook! Am 100% telling the truth. I could not believe the irony of his timing & handed my laptop to him with your "20" list. Tooo funny & thank you again.

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يمكنك الان ان تقوم بعمل جميع وصفات الاكل من جميع انحاء العالم واليكم الان طريقة عمل اللازانيا من موقع باتيه وانتريه

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افضل عروض وخدمات مركز المتميز افضل شركة تنظيف فى المدينة المنورة باقل التكاليف واعلى خدمة

hotelrestaurant said...

تابع معنا عروض وخدمات مميزة من موقع دليلك الشامل بافضل معدات مطابخ باقل الاسعار واعلى الخدمات

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Unknown said...

تمتعون الان بخصومات عالميه ومتميزه شركة تسويق الكتروني من خلال شركة سوقني المتميزه في اعمالها استمتع الان بالكثير من الطرق والخدمات المتميزه .

Unknown said...

تمتعون الان بخصومات عالميه ومتميزه شركة تسويق الكتروني من خلال شركة سوقني المتميزه في اعمالها استمتع الان بالكثير من الطرق والخدمات المتميزه .

maintenanceg said...

اطلب الان فريق عمل صيانة ويرلبول وسوف يتم تقدم اكبر خدمة متميزه علي اعلي مستوي في العمل استمتع الان بالكثير من الطرق الحديثة في العمل .

egazatona said...

رحلات الحج ةالعمره ورحلات الغردقة وشرم والعين السخنة عروض فنادق العين السخنة من خلال شركة اجازتنا المشهورة في اعمالها المتميزه في جمهورية مصر العربيه سوف تجد خدمات متميزه .

Unknown said...

الان تريد الوصول الينا بكل سهوله عليكم الان زورا موقعنا الكتروني مصاعد كهربائية في اي وقت علي اعلي مستوي للتواصل مع اكبر شركة مصاعد كهربائية في المملكة .

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