Episode 4: Recapped by Chris
This week on The City, Whitney learns a new word (“Socials? Is that like socialites?”), gets to bask in the presence of DVF herself (best exchange in this entire series: Whitney to DVF: “you look so pretty!” DVF, bemusedly: “No I don’t…”) and finally defines the relationship with Jay. And unfortunately, that’s about all she wrote.
In other not so important news, Whitney meets a new co-worker, Chris, at the Wonderwoman event who boldly asks her out to lunch. She accepts, and they have an awkward conversation, during which he hardly blinks until Whit is so weirded out she asks for the check.
Hardly newsworthy and definitely should not make anyone jealous. But somehow Whit dropping this casually into conversation with Jay incites a meltdown in our Aussie hipster, which leads him to ask her to be his girlfriend. Do people do that anymore? Seriously, this is like a step away from passing her this note:
Will you be my girlfriend? Circle one:
And I find it hard to believe that Bro-Talk with Adam and Jay at Il Bastardo of all places would have led Jay to make the decision to wife Whitney. But Jay decides to surprise Whitney with wine and the promise of an actual relationship.
While Whitney and Jay are blissfully holding hands on the swingset, Erin and Duncan are…backsliding? I’m confused, didn’t you just say I love you? And now when he wants to be with you more, so you freak out? Erin and Duncan are trying to decide if being around each other more is a good idea, because that makes sense.
I’m going to end this recap with a short haiku to our dear Heidi Waldorf:
Please act like a bitch.
Would it kill you to meddle?
Your fake smile sucks.
Episode 3: Who's Got Game?
This episode of Bromance begins with Lauren Conrad interviewing the Bros, game show style.
The goal of the interview is to see what kind of Game each Bro brings to the table, because Brody needs a good wingman. LC asks a bunch of lame questions like "Describe your ultimate first date" and "How would you approach me at a club if I already have a drink in my hand?" Luke delivers a surprisingly high-larious cheesy pick up line: "Hey do you wanna go halfsies?...On a baby?" If a guy asked me that, I'd be unzipped in under a half a second. That's just amazing. I'm not even mad.
Next best question and answer:
LC: "Gary, if you were an animal, what would you be and why?"
Gary, aka Pip from Lord of the Rings: "I'd be an elephant. Designed and ridden by Kings." ::Immediately looks like he regrets that answer, a lot::
LC chooses Alex as the winner because "he seems chill." He wins an awkward conversation on the roof with LC and Brody. Yay...?
Next there is a delightfully staged scene where Brody is soaping up in his glass shower (meow,) when Franky and Sleazy-T walk in and proceed to have a full-blown conversation with him as he showers. I want to call out this scene for being gay, but let's not lie, when Chris and I lived together it wasn't uncommon for one of us to take a seat on the John and have a heart-to-heart with the other in the shower. Showering is boring. Your friends are entertaining. I get you Brody. I get you more than I care to...
Next, each Bro designs an activity for the group to do which showcases their personalities. Luke designs a mini-golf course; Jered designs the world's most dangerous slip-and-slide; Alex has a jam-session on the guitar with Brody on the drums (during which Femi freestyles and rhymes "party" with "Bacardi" and pours a solo cup of Pepsi on the hardwood floor for his fallen homies); Gary teaches the gang a dance routine which Brody describes as some "Napoleon Dynamite shit;" Token-Asian-Nerd Chris F. does a stand-up comedy routine which makes me want to crawl out of my skin and fly away. The Bros heckle him. He cries. The Bros (except for Femi) feel bad and try to cheer him up and it's a tender and touching moment. A BrOprah moment, if you will; Femi holds a session on personal style. He mostly just rants and raves about personal grooming and it's all very uncomfortable and non-nonsensical. I believe at one point he quotes Arnold Schwarzenegger as saying "When I go to the gym, it's like coming for me."
Femi then drops the bomb that he's going to get a tattoo and in walks a tattoo artist to set up shop. But mind you Femi is not just getting any tattoo, he's getting the exact same tattoo Brody has ("Jenner," Brody's last name), on the exact spot that Brody has his (left side, ribs). There's a distinct Single White Female vibe looming at this point. Come on Femi, did you learn nothing from Heather on season one of Rock of Love? Getting the name of the person whose affection you're trying to win on a reality TV show will not necessarily save you from elimination. And when people see JENNER tattooed along your ribs in giant letters, odds are they won't assume you're Brody's BFF, but rather that you're super homogay for the '80's Olympic Decathalon winner.
My thoughts exactly, Bruce.
Femi goes through with the tattoo and I think Brody gets too weirded and actually leaves the house mid-tattoo. The Bros call out Femi for copying Brody's tattoo after he just gave them an uncomfortable lecture on individual style. Femi tries to stand up for himself and all of a sudden he's shouting like a lunatic about being questioned by the cops for 12 hours when his "homey" got shot in the back. What? Did I black out? How did we get here? Whatever Femi is taking, I want a lot of it. Because he's like a walking amusement park. Later he says he doesn't regret his decision to get the tattoo because he wants to go out with a bang. That seems like a poor choice of words after his bizarre "Mah Homey Got Shot!" speech.
Later that night at elimination, Boston Kid says he's so nervous that he "has a dump poking out of his drawers." This reminds me of something Talia would say, and I mean that in the most endearing way ever. Why do Brody Jenner and I live parallel Bro/gay Bro in a Girl's Body lives? I can't decide how I feel about this...In the end Alex goes home. I'm not entirely sure why, I'm just glad it wasn't Pip. This episode of Bromance redeemed it'self from the suckery of last week's episode, hands down.