4.30.2010

A little animmosity and a lot of love

Woo—thank Jah it's Friday, huh?? Except not really because now that I work queer retail hours, Tuesdays and Wednesdays are technically my "weekend" and my conventional weekends are full of work. So really, Monday is my Friday. TGIM! (Side note: After typing that, I thought to myself, "Thank God it's—" and my brain auto filled with Mo Collins. Fascinating.) Despite having to work today, and tomorrow, and Sunday, and Monday, I'm still psyched it's Friday. And I'm 99.9% sure we all know why...

It's TGI Hagman, baby!
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(By the way, I get an oddly high number of emails from people being like, "I love TGI Hagman!...But I don't entirely get it. What's the story behind it?" For the record, the back story is located here and I link to it every week to avoid confusion. Looks like I've been doing an "awesome" job.)

As of April 30, 2010 (a.k.a. my Facebook wife Talia's 25th birthday. Happy birthday, baby! You look just as good as you did the day I met you when you were 13. Oh, I was 13 too, for the record. Just wanna clear that up. Things were starting to feel slightly homo stranger danger in here for a hot second...) at 2:44am, Larry Hagman is...alive! And the Lord said, "Let there be Hagman."

Cella's alive too, for the record. As is the last surviving fish from the Real World DC house, Real. I'm pretty much a pro at sustaining the life of Z-list pets. It's a gift and a curse, really. Despite the touching number of people pulling for her, I'm probably not going to make TGI Cella a weekly feature. I feel like throwing the fact that she's maybe kind of about to die in Becky's face once a week on a public blog might be a dick move on my part. Emphasis on the might. So, god speed, little Cella. The 2b1b community is rooting for you.

SPEAKING OF THE 2B1B COMMUNITY! I have lots of things to talk about involving you fine people. Let's delineate, shall we?

- I have the results from yesterday's edition of "Am I Crazy, or are You?"

Re: Cleaning the lint trap in a shared laundry environment

SURVEY SAYS: You are crazy. And by "you," I mean the degenerates in my building who don't feel it's necessary to clean the lint trap after using a dryer. And despite my win, I'd like to address this comment:
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That's not the point. It's not a sanitation issue, it's a common courtesy issue. You used a public machine and as a result, residue built up. Said residue needs to be removed before the next person can use the machine. Therefore, it is your responsibility to remove your residue. I don't care if laundry lint is made of candy corn and orgasms; I don't want to touch yours.

Re: For all intents and purposes vs. For all intensive purposes.

SURVEY SAYS: We are crazy. It's "for all intents and purposes." I'm always so fascinated by what puts the 2b1b communities panties in a twist and this debate definitely did. I haven't seen you guys this fired up since I said Journey sang Livin' On a Prayer. Grammar snobs and 80's power ballad fans, you are. This kind of marketing research is invaluable. But, yes, wipe the sand out of your collective vadge everyone, because now we're all officially on the same page: the phrase is "for all intents and purposes." AND FUCK ME IN THE FACE HOLE FOR EVER THINKING OTHER WISE.

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Jesus Christ. I've put on a little depression weight since my birthday; wanna talk about that too?

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Jesus von Creezus. If by "careless" you mean I typically write this between the hours of midnight and 4 o'clock in the morning because I have a day job and a social life, than yes, I have gotten mighty careless. That being said, you have a point. I actually considered asking Becca to start editing my posts before I put them up, but that would delay the posting time considerably because homegirl has a real person job. I don't know, dude. Its you're call. (SEE?! See what I did their?!) (And they're!) (And they are!) (I could do this all day.)

Re: Eye-you-dee vs. Yood

SURVEY SAYS! Blow up your vagina because I don't want to talk about IUDs anymore.

Ok, good. Glad that's all settled.

- Now, I know I was kind of just an asshole to three of you (BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ASSHOLE TO ME FIRST, GAWD) but this is a quick reminder to please go here and write in 2birds1blog for Best Local Blogger. Ha ha ha...ha, yes...awkward timing. Today is the last day to vote so please, please, please take five seconds to do it and maybe recruit a few friends to do the same. Any additional awards we win or press we get helps keep the blog going. We appreciate it!

- You know who else I appreciate? 2b1b reader Kate from Atlanta. Why? Oh, I don't know. Perhaps because she went to a Kelly Cutrone book signing and made this happen:
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I mean, can we all just take a moment to stand up in our cubicles wherever we may be and give Katie one hell of a collective standing ovation? Because well played, madam. Well played, indeed. You are my newest new best friend. (Also shout-out to Andrew M. Because I have a mega friend crush on him and maybe we're already BFFs in my head? What? I don't know, I blacked out.)

- This doesn't have anything to do with the 2b1b community, but I've had the song Hands Across America stuck in my head for three days now. And it's horrible. Because not only is the song stuck in my head, the visual of celebrities swaying is stuck in my head as well. Specifically Stevie Wonder, for some reason.

- And while we're on the topic of things that have absolutely nothing to do with anything, I grabbed a burger and a beer with Lara after work tonight and when our check came, I cackled my face off, took a picture of it and emailed it to Alex with the subject line: "BAHAHAHAHA!" Why? Because our check number was 69 and I'm a small child.
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After I hit send, a lightning bolt of fear shot through my body because for the hottest of hot seconds, I thought I sent it to the person above Alex in my email contact list—this total cuntbag from Gotham magazine who interviewed me for a graphic design position when I was trying to decide if I should get a new job or leave New York all together in 2008. She was horrible and point-blank made fun of the magazine I worked for at the time and obviously didn't offer me the job. I felt Ok about it though because as hot as she thought her shit was, she was wearing a halter top with her black bra straps blatantly showing. Because, hi, I'm a strapless bra, we should get a drink some time.

Anyway, the point being, my heart momentarily dropped into my butt at the thought of her getting an email from me, two years after the interview, the only contents being typed laughter and a picture of a receipt with the number 69 on it...But I sent it to Alex, thank god. Although he hasn't responded, which is out of character. Hm. (Alex, call, text or email me as soon as you read this to confirm that you indeed got the email. And do not fuck with me and say you didn't get it when you really did because you think it would be fun to watch me have a stroke.) (Ha ha...stroke.)

- Yesterday was Amy's birthday (woo hoo!) and I'm sure she's still nursing her hangover (something I think we can all understand) so we're going to skip Queer Abby this week and move on to this week's drinking game. But don't forget, if you have questions, you can always write in to QueerAbby@2birds1blog.com.

Considering how the theme of today has been appreciating the frightening, comical and powerful force that is the 2b1b community, I whipped up a 2birds1blog drinking game to start the weekend off right! So I give you—2birds1blog's 2birds1blog Drinking Game! (META!)
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Rules:
Drink when:
- TYPO!
- A Meglet story is told
- Evie makes an appearance
- Meg solicits her readers for narcotics
- Tulane Chris uses a word that makes you wish you paid attention in SAT Prep
- Tulane Chris makes an obscure history reference that makes you wish you paid attention in AP Modern World
- An ex co-blogger is referenced
- Becca is hyperlinked to the Moustache Manifesto
- Sorr about the bag
- A post is tagged with a tag that has literally nothing to do with anything (i.e. "Boobs boobs the magical fruit" or "tampon flinging")
- A word is italicized
- A word is in bold
- An em dash is used
- Meg talks about her time in New York like it was a tour of 'Nam
- The 2birds1blog Twitter account is hyperlinked (DRINK)
- Depression, alcoholism or technology problems are discussed
- American University gets ripped on
- No Post Monday (and pour one out for the fallen blog post)
- Someone has a WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK FUCK?!?!?! moment
- Someone asks Dr. Reuben a question
- Dr. Reuben answers a question
- Meg mocks Dr. Reuben's answer to a person's question
- Someone makes love to a food product
- Narwhals
- Welp
- Blokay
- Blalright
- Oh, I'm sorry
- I'm not not_______
- AN
- rull or rully
- batshit crazy
- !!!!!!!!11
- There's a photo
- There's a video clip
- Turtle Rapes Shoe
- It's a fictitious holiday (i.e. TGI Hagman or Drinking Game Friday) (DRINK/DRINK)
- Something awkward happens (HAHAHA, just kidding. We'd all be alcoholics. Ooo! Discussing alcoholism! Drink!) (AH! Italics! Double drink!)
- The Jack Daniels pants a.k.a. Second Skin are referenced
- Weekend Hair and/or Aspie's Clip are referenced
- A McCain is referenced
- Someone overshares
- Pen names are used
- Meg tries to get you to vote for something
- You do
- Thanks!

Again, thank you so much for all of your support. Have a great weekend and we'll see you right back here Monday morning. (KNOCK ON WOOD!) Buh-bye.

73 comments:

Anonymous said...

Meg,

We, whose reading, rully don't mind you're they're/theirs. Its super wokay...so long as you please make No Post Mondays, Long Post Mondays!..Because you know..a week starting without 2birds is like a week ending without a Larry Hagman update *shiver*...

Oh and btw, your awesome-ness! TOTALLY and ENTIRELY!! Keep going..

Anonymous said...

And yay Kate!!

A. Rue said...

While I absolutely am a grammar snob, I also absolutely appreciate you coming here and posting your wacky shenanigans for us to read. I will never begrudge you typos or run-on sentences.

Also, best DGF ever. EVAR.

Deborah said...

That is both the funniest and the most dangerous drinking game you have ever posted.

Kerri said...

your the best blogger ever. its a shame people rip on you for you're grammar. their losers.

Jenn- wizard of words, queen of the universe and all around great time! said...

hey! are those actual 2b1b bumper stickers?! and if so, where can I get a hunderd?! seriously. to hand out to my friends. and put all of my house.

susan.love said...

BEST DRINKING GAME EVER.

If you ever have to fly solo as a blogger, you should change the name to "Sorr about the Blog."

You are pure AWESOMENESS.

Talia said...

"Happy birthday, baby! You look just as good as you did the day I met you when you were 13."

omg i freakin LOVE IT!!!!

I agree with Kerri, when did this become a grammar show?!

Sarah P said...

Meg, seriously, besides the typos, your fact-checking is getting ridiculously sloppy.
Jesus' last name is not "von Creezus," but very obviously "Ona-Crutch."
I expected more from you.

Courtney Alexis said...

The pics of Lady Cutrone holding your blog sign gave me a lady boner because that's about 1,000 shades of awesome. Congrats!!!!!

FYI: I've been loyally reading your blog a lot lately. When I was driving with my husband the other day, we were about T-boned by another car and without thinking I burst out, "Jesus Christ on a croissant!" My husband stared at me for a few seconds before he dissolved into a fit of giggles. So, thanks Meg! He thinks you're funny too!

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, those people who have issues with GRAMMAR? GET. LIVES. Stop trying to ruin 2b1b for all of us, nerds.


Also, who else wants to start a feature where readers take pics of the 2b1b bird/logo all over the world/ in silly places. Obvi it will largely not stack up to Miss Cutrone but it could be really fun. Not to salt anyone's game. We could even just email them and hope they wind up on the site. Idk, i just want to know the 2b1b community!!

The D said...

Wait, this might get meta, but since the drinking game list references the items we have to drink for, do we basically have to drink for every line of the drinking game we read?

Oh we don't? Cra......
/belches
/hiccups
/drunk dials ex-girlfriends
/tells boss how much he loves her
/vomits on desk at work
/falls asleep under desk like George Costanza

Anonymous said...

HI-larious post today, despite not really being about much at all. Impromptu is when you're at your best.

Anonymous said...

I don't know if you, Meg, or anyone else on here has ever heard of this blog "Scoop and Slam." Some of the posts are pretty dumb, but my friend showed me this post from the other day about tuberculosis:

http://scoopandslam.blogspot.com/2010/04/because-who-wouldnt-want-to-catch.html

It's pretty funny and it immediately made me think of 2b1b. It sounds a lot like one of Meg's zany life occurrences.

Tina said...

Just sayin:

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/2008/05/12/99-grammar/

Um, your blog is high-larious, with or without proper grammar.

And that pic of Kelly Cutrone is awesomesauce.

Anonymous said...

Seriously, who cares about the grammer. This is the funniest blog ever in the history of blogs. keep up the good work.

Congrats on the Cutrone picks. That's awesome.

This drinking game is going to get me rull wasted tonight. thank you and THANK YOU.

And I voted for you. more than once.

Anonymous said...

grammar sluts can suck a nut!

maria said...

god I am the most obnoxious elitist bitch about grammar (despite never actually having grammar lessons ever... hello decline of the American public school system) but even I can get over it, which is saying a lot. it's particularly hilarious because you know all the people posting those comments probably also never had a grammar lesson and I would love nothing more than to catch one of those assholes who actually took the time to point out someone's insignificant mistake, because you know it's going to happen, probably sooner rather than later.

Anonymous said...

i'm just going to put it out there that i live with a hairy boy (that is not my lover, and never will be) who does not clean the lint trap. i wish he did.

Andrew said...

It wouldn't be Friday without a reassurance that theres still some J.R. Ewing in the world.

Also, I like "Anonymous's" stickers & pictures idea. I've got a pile of Jager Ball stickers somewhere that need to be put somewhere ridiculous.

Bonnie said...

Hi. I'm a middle school english teacher. And a grammar snob sometimes. But homie with the grammar issues miiiiiight have bigger problems if your mistakes make you less funny. That's simply unpossible.

Leigh said...

SORR ABOUT THE BLOG! baaahahahahahaha.

Travis said...

Hey Meg,

It's my birthday too, yay me and Talia! Excpet I'm way older... 26

When I come to DC this summer can we have a drink? That would be the sevenote! (right?, I couldn't find the post for the correct spelling, aka I was too lazy to look)

The pic with Kelly Cutrone is awesome. If you have anymore bumper stickers I would love to have one!!!!!11

~Travis

Stephanie said...

I feel like I don't even need to type my own comment, because comment #2, A. Rue, said it for me. So here it is again:

"While I absolutely am a grammar snob, I also absolutely appreciate you coming here and posting your wacky shenanigans for us to read. I will never begrudge you typos or run-on sentences."


and this DGF made me smiiiiiiiiile smile smile because it was pretty much a list of the things I love so much about 2b1b. For real, 2b1b is SUCH a huge part of my life, I'm going to be ridiculously surprised when vh1 makes a recap show about the 2000s and 2b1b isn't on it. Because it SHOULD BE.

Lindsey said...

I know I don't you, but I'm so happy/excited for you!! I can't believe you have visual evidence of Kelly Cutrone pimpin' the 2birds1blog sticker!!! Suh-weet!!!:)

p.s. How do I get my hands on one of those sweet stickers?

Harriet Olivia said...

another grammar snob who couldn't care less about your typos. Besides, if you were a proof-reader, we'd have no 'sorr about the bag', so frankly, viva la typos, for from them comes comedy

Anonymous said...

Meg.

So, all my talk about promiscuity, hillbillies, and my colorful Southern family doesn't count. All I get in the drinking game is "LOL BIG WORDS LOL PHILIPPA OF HAINAULT LOL"

(i love you never leave me)

For all intensin' purposes,

-Tulane Chris

Jules said...

Travis,

I am delighted/saddened to inform you that the word you are groping for (haha) is "seanvote" (EM DASH!) delighted that I can help, and saddened because I didn't have to look the faux term up, even though it was brought up many posts ago. Thank you and good night.

jessie said...

Not only did you get my vote for best local blog. But also Best Local Hero/Heroine.

Extra Cookie points for me!!!

Bridget said...

I literally snorted the mouthful of 100 calorie Chex Mix (flavor: cheddar) through the back of my throat and into my nose when I read "blow up your vagina"

thank you. thank you. thank you.

ps- are you also having a weather-induced orgasm right now? I feel like I need to buy DC breakfast tomorrow or something.

CheechaB said...

When I first scrolled down reading today's post, I glanced at the picture of your check before reading the explanation. I didn't even notice the number 69 because I was too mortified that there is a restaurant called The Big Hunt, which when spoken sounds like, "the big cunt."
Sorr about the bag, and by bag I mean naughty word. But that is totally why I thought you took the picture.

Caroline said...

Just when I was thinking this seems like a great night to go out and drink, you bestow upon us (me) this fabulous excuse to stay inside and drink. It should help dull the pain I'll incur when I rupture a kidney from laughing at this.

And, for real, if you find a way to make/market merch anytime soon, I want a bumper sticker. In the meantime, I'm going to investigate making my own. I'd worry about copyright infringement and all that jazz, but let's be honest, I'm doing it to pimp for you. :) Cheers!

Travis said...

Thanks Jules. I didn't mean any disrespect!

Anonymous said...

this is seriously the best effing dgf game ever. and i don't even drink. but for this, i'd consider it.

Catherine said...

1. I missed yesterday's post (yay doubles!) but I really wanted to comment with my biggest grammatical pet peeve: http://www.wsu.edu/~brians/errors/everyday.html

Drives me insane!!!

2. I hereby volunteer to edit your posts. As the go-to editor for all of my friends' college papers, I love correcting its/it's mistakes!

3. Ever since discovering the blog months ago, I have been wondering what the hell "AN" is. Explain please.

4. 2b1b rocks daily.

Hillary said...

Meg,

I will gladly pay you one shiny new dollar for one of those snazzy 2b1b stickers.. I know they were free before, but that just feels like taking advantage -- after all, maybe she's born with it, but you're (definitely) worth it.

And I (and the blog community at large, I'm sure) would be totally stoked to know I was helping you finance a $500 laptop for the purposes of writing/designing more hilarious shit for us to enjoy.

So, yeah, just tell me where to mail the check (and I promise I won't stalk you next time I'm in DC) (NOT) ...

kthanx!

B said...

Damnit! This is like my third comment in as many days. I'm becoming slightly obsessed. Annnnd i got my roommate hooked!

ANYWAY....first of all...i'm a teacher. I DO teach grammar lessons on the reg and the bottom line is it's not even WORTH it to get into the science of word recognition. Sometime back in the late 90's as teens we all got that chain email that had every single word mispelled and no grammatical consideration and we all read it just fine. Fuck off, anal twat.

(yes, i wash this mouth out with soap every morning at 8:20 so i don't do that to my kids)

Secondly (@Susan.Love) OMG "SORR ABOUT THE BLOG". FML. I laughed so hard.

Thirdly, I made my roommate participate in First Wive's Club FDG this week...with whiskey on the rocks. AH-MA-ZING.

And lastly...I desperately, in my new found love for 2b1b, want to have all the comments emailed to me...but i'm not sure I could get anything done in a day if I was LOLZ at my desk all the time. See you Monday.

Anonymous said...

AHHHH! this is my favorite drinking game friday to date!! and i love that i've been reading your blog for so long that i got every reference :) made me feel rull good about myself

Santa Chiara said...

This is the BEST. DRINKING GAME. EVER.

And I bestow a hearty "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH LOLZ!!!!!!" upon "Sorr About the Blog." Which is what you should title your dishy tell-all memoirs if you ever write a book.

Lexi said...

I am nearly 30 and I still giggle every time I see 69. I will feel very old once I don't find that funny anymore.

holly pocket said...

BEST DRINKING GAME FRIDAY EVER!!!

Murphy said...

First of all- its YOUR blog, and you are not the at the hands of the readers. If they dont like your style, they can go whimper about petty shit somewhere else.
As for the drinking game, I'm pretty sure i'll be dead before i even get two paragraphs in... BUT! that won't stop me from trying

With adoration,
Murphy

Murphy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
~B said...

@chechaB
thank you i thought i was the only one with my mind in the gutter to realize that!

Leni said...

@CheechaB & B - me three! I was always more of a word smith than a math's geek, so that's my excuse ;)

Cheers for the giggles Meg.

Quick question: do you ever feel "Sorr about the Hag"?

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N said...

this is a great blog! And who cares about apostrophes and grammar?? Didn't stop old Shakespeare!

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