2b1b Fridays — a new exciting reason to live!

It's Friday and how excited am I? So excited. Because it's time for America's favorite fictional holiday...T.G.I. Hagman!


As of 9:25am on April 2, 2010, Larry Hagman is...alive! And kickin', I'd like to think.

I'm also pretty psyched it's Friday because it's time to debut our new weekly advice column—Queer Abby!


Queer Abby,

How do I get my boyfriend to respect me more when we are fighting?

Charlie R

That doesn’t give me a lot of context, but you should definitely start by asking yourself the following:

1) Does he respect me when we’re not fighting? and
2) Are we fighting more than a healthy couple should?

If the answers are no and yes (respectively), that kind of nullifies your question. But, I will assume that’s not the case for the sake of responding to what you asked.

First, make sure you are approaching him in a respectable way. If you are too worked up, angry or emotional to make your case in a calm, rational and mature way, then he’s more likely to respond to how you’re raising the issue, rather than what you’re actually saying. So if that’s the case, walk away from it until you regain your composure, get your thoughts together and can approach him knowing what you’re upset about and what you want him to do about it. Focus on the issue at hand-- not a list of everything that bothers you about him and not stuff that happened two months or 2 years ago (unless it’s immediately relevant). You also need to be at a place where you’re truly willing to listen to his perspective, try to understand it, and demonstrate that you’re doing so. That’s how to hold up your end of the deal and earn respect.

Now, if you are doing everything above, or at least giving it a good faith effort, and he’s still not respecting you, end the conversation. Explain (as calmly as possible) that you don’t feel like you’re getting the respect you deserve; you care about him and the relationship a lot, so you really want to resolve this, but the conversation can’t possibly be productive unless he’s willing to respect you and take what you have to say seriously. Then don’t talk to him until he demonstrates that he’s willing and able to do it better.

If he’s had a little time and is still unwilling to try and meet you half way, then you might just have your answer to question #1, and if he’s unable to (no matter the reason), then I’m guessing I know the answer to #2- or at least what it will be before long. So, the bottom line is this: do it right, demand respect for doing so and cut bait and run if you don’t get it.

My two cents? I say dump him. But then again I'm a giant fucking quitter.

Queer Abby,

Do you think for a girl to make the first move?!? There is this guy in the office that I think is so freaking hott, and he makes me soo freaking nervous. I told a mutual friend what I think, and he told me that if I asked him out, he would say yes. The only thing is that I don't have balls!! No balls to do it. I get nervous when he is at the water fountain and I stand up "to go do something". Well, some say the guy should ask, and I have some friends who say just see what they are doing for happy hour. Please help a sista out.

Thanks and love you already,


Dear Jessica:

I love you already too; that’s why I’m going to try to be as gentle as possible in reminding you that you’re not in high school and it is the 21rst century.

Yes, women can totally ask men out. So, if you want to go on a date with him, grow some ovaries and just do it. BUT, if you do ask him out, be prepared to pay- with equal rights, we also get equal responsibilities…small price to pay.

Personally, I would split the difference. If you have friends at the office or nearby that you would/do go to happy hour with, plan one and invite him and his friends along. If he makes you that nervous, and you know almost nothing about him besides the fact that he’s “so freaking hott” (sic), then a first date with no distractions will likely be super awkward. Try something more social first so you can see if the two of you click. That way, if there is chemistry, you have more of an entrée into asking him out—and maybe he will even pull the trigger first.

I say put a note on his desk that says, "Here's a tip—call me!" with your number. It worked for me. Oh wait...

My dearest Queer Abby,

I like the sound of my own voice and am generally a hilarious person. However, sometimes I worry that I talk too much, and I'm one of those annoying people who won't shut up but nobody in my life has the heart to say anything. I'm in grad school right now, and I get especially self-conscious about this in the classroom when we're having a discussion and I keep coming up with totally ingenious stuff to say. So. My question is: how can I tell if I annoy people with how much I talk?

Thanks a bazill!


Dear E.M.W.:

Yes. (See how ingenious and hilarious brevity can be?)



Sometimes a photo is the best way to express my emotions:


Queer Abby,

I need a husband. Seriously. Now that it's legal in DC for us fags to get married, I really want to propose to anyone I'm casually dating/sleeping with/gchatting. So I meet this guy - let's call him Peter. I met Peter a few months ago at a super bowl party and he told me I looked really bored (at super bowl party? duh) and then he proceeded to ask me out. Apparently boring is a characteristic he is looking for in a mate. Anyways we go out a few times and everything is going fine. Good body, somewhat interesting, breathing human being; he actually works for a non-profit, wears glasses and seems to be a pretty typical guy. Then he invited me over to his apartment for dinner. I step into his bedroom and hanging above his bed is a FRAMED arrangement of about 20 colorful, unopened condoms placed like a checker-board, which he called "art".

This is a deal breaker, no? How can I help to not be tasteless and/or should I continue dating him and just fuck so much that we are forced to break open the condom frame and use the "artistic" condoms?

With Love,

Matt B

Dear Matt B:

As a paid advocate for sexual and reproductive health and rights, I'm kind of glad this guy takes safe sex so seriously. As a 'mo with good taste, I can see the cause for concern...

Let’s talk about you though. I can’t help but notice you prefaced your whole question with how bad you want to get married, but ended with ‘is a bad piece of ‘art’ a deal breaker with an otherwise decent guy’. So basically I’m calling your desire to get married (in the near future) into question. Sounds like you’re not looking for Mr. Right, but Mr. Right Now. Don’t get me wrong, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, but please know it and own it.

That said, if Peter isn’t blessed with artistic taste, it’s going to take some serious time to fix him. And even then, you still might not ever see eye-to-eye on the subject. Ergot, yes, I think the fire hydrant approach is totally your best bet. Get to work.

I couldn't have said it better myself. Got a question for Queer Abby? Shoot her an email at QueerAbby@2birds1blog.com.

Welp! That's going to do it for all of us here at 2b1b this week. As per always, thank you so much for reading, supporting, spreading the word, twittering, joining our Facebook page, emailing and all the wonderful things you do. Have a great weekend and we'll see you back here bright and early Monday morning! Buh-bye.


Whitney said...

meggles i love you, lets not waste TGI Hagman on advice, its my favorite reading day! Put queer abby on like, humpday, since all of that advice, in someway or another, circled back around to humping.

Welcome to the bunch queer abby! Seriously though, wednesday. think on it. :)

Kelley said...

Meg McB, I have to say I agree with Whitney. I think Queer Abby would be perfect on humpday! Good idea, Whit! It seems like the three of us would get along nicely. Whitney, Meghan, can we do lunch? And Meghan, happy Half Easter to my half-jew half-christian friend.

Unknown said...

I agree! I think Queer Abby is a fantastic idea and girlfriend obvious has her head on straight and shit together, but TGIHagman should not be a day of serious advice, even with some commentary from Statler and Waldorf (read: Meg and Chris).

I think the Queer Abby Hump Day Column sounds spectacular, and a great follow up to Recrap Tuesdays.

Kelley said...

James, you are also invited to lunch.

Anonymous said...

Eh. Not a fan.

Whitney said...

anonymous, you are not invited to lunch.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Whitney, Kelley, James and Anonymous... maybe you should put Queer Abby on No-Post-Monday? Today is not turning out to be a good Friday. (get it)

Anonymous said...

Queer Abby = amazing, but I totes agree that she should be on No Post Monday or Hump Day Wednesday. Suggestion: bring back Drinking Game Friday to accompany TGI Hagman?

Nicole said...

I JUST realized that Queer Abby = Dear Abby...wow I'm slow. But I dig this addition to the blog!

L said...

I enjoy this addtion to the blog. Kudos. Also, let me just thoss this out there, but I am an ordained minister via Universal Life Church that doesn't discriminate and will conduct marriage ceremonies for as little as the cost of a jack and coke.

Sam said...

queer abby is so wise. <3

Anonymous said...

Not feelin it. I come here to laugh not get serious advice. Now if Meg were giving the advice... that'd be different!

manikarn said...

Can I please rig the voting machine in favor of Queer Abby Hump Day Column using that hairpin recommended by Dr. Reuben for some other more gratifying uses? Please?

Mary T. said...

Yeaahhh….I don’t know about this new little segment for 2b1b. If we could have maybe a little bit more Dr. Reuben style answers I might be on board. I’m talking a little more ignorant, abhorrent life advice and a little less of this sensible, rational nonsense. It’s Friday! I was at least hoping for some “hambeast” and “hepatitis jokes” to wind my week down with.

Sarah said...

Wow ... real advice?

I never would have expected that.

Anonymous said...

I have to agree. I didn't even read those responses, just the ridic questions that prompted them. You need to have the replies be completely retarded and not at all well-advised. That's what we come here for!

Unknown said...

Whitney! Kelley! Anonymous! I'm getting laid off in 17 minutes, so lunch sounds fantastic! Meet me in Chicago?

Now if Meg were giving the advice... that'd be different!

I don't think Meg should give advice. For reasons she's explained very well on her own. But Meg and Chris shout MOST DEFINITELY continue to be these guys: http://tinyurl.com/ye7286y
(totally SFW)


Anonymous said...

If a bear falls out of a tree when no one is around does it still make a sound?

Kelley said...

Shit, James! NOOOO!! So sorry to hear that :( I'll buy James' lunch and Whitney can buy Meg's - we'll take care of our unemployed 2b1b friends :)

Whitney said...

Uh Jamesypoo, i live in Chi town too!!! too bad i just got pita pit! how bout on no post monday?

Anonymous said...

Is the Hagman post still funny? It's like you're trying to shove down our throats your inside joke. Cute and clever for a week or two, now its just getting... irrelevant?

Abbey said...

As an Abbey/Abby myself I will have to vote for a move in schedule as well. This is kind of a Friday downer and on Good Friday no less. ;)

Can I come to lunch? I'll buy beers!
/desperate plees for acceptance

Kelley said...

Abbey: you're in!! I'll take a Sam Adams, por favor.

Anonymous said...

I love TGI Hagman as much as the next person...but can we have Drinking Game Friday back? After reading Queer Abby's serious advice column I definitely need a drink

Unknown said...

Girls, girls, girls! First off I'm now commenting from the comfort of my apartment, looking forward for my severance check. I've known it was coming for literally months, so I'm taking a summer of unemployment and going back to school in the fall! Yay!

EVERYONE'S invited to lunch and drinks! Wooooo! (Except you Anonymous, we LOVE Mr. Hagman and are thankful every day that he is alive.)

Whitney! Where you at? I'm down in Chicago Ridge!

Anonymous said...

Meeehhhhhh. That was moderately uninteresting. I would like something funnier. Perhaps in the vein of answers seen on the Y! Answers. Bad answers to worse questions, yes?
Sadly I too am finding Hagman a little tiresome and would welcome the return of Drinking Game Friday. This is the first time I've ever just skimmed a post and not felt like I missed anything.

Anonymous said...

I told one of my girlfriends to read 2b1b, she picked today to start. She won't be back. :(
Meg- we love you and if we wanted you to be replaced we would keep it real and let you know! Maybe it would be better to have two posts on Friday, one from you and one from her. OR maybe a Saturday post!!!!

Anonymous said...

I LOVED Amy's use of (sic) it's like a polite slap in the face.

Elliot Smilowitz said...

Abby was a little dry, but to be honest the questions were just not funny at all. I have faith that after a brief feeling-out period, Meg will make this work.

(That's what she said?)

Ashley said...

Agree with all the rest of the Anonymouses (yeah...) on here when I say that this was a disappointing end to the week. I was kind of excited with you, Meg, when you first mentioned an advice column/Queer Abby on 2b1b, but it's just not....interesting....or funny.

However, I disagree with those that say TGI-Hagman should be abolished. That's just blasphemy!

Anonymous said...

It's not... funny.

Especially when the usual premise of 2b1b is "look at the ridic things we got ourselves into now! Lolz! We'z such a seanvote-show."

Serious post + actual advice = rare 2b1b fail.


Anonymous said...

I agree with everyone else about the advice addition...totally out of left field. I'm gonna be honest here, and no offense to Chris or any other guest bloggers, but I really only come to the blog to read the red text, i.e. Meg. I think the more Meg writing there is, the better the chances of this blog actually turning into a job...book...movie, etc. Meg, you're gifted, and the more you showcase your gift, the better.

Jess said...

I’m in love with 2b1b just as much as the next guy and will never be leaving, buttttttt, I was a little thrown off by this too. Especially with the premise being Queer Abby, I was thinking it would be peppered with a little more snark. There was a glimpse of it occasionally, but maybe we’re just spoiled by Meg’s constant assault of hilarity? Hmmm, I love you Queer Abby, I’m just in love with you…yet. We shall see.

Oh yeah, and TEAM T.G.I. Hagman, baby!

Unknown said...

Meg, is this you?
narwhals: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=43922412&ref=fp_feat_4

Anonymous said...

Dear queer abby,
people ask you for advice (sic), maybe you shouldn't be a bitch. It is not funny. If you are trying to be a heinous bitch to ppl that ask you advice, do you really think that ppl will continue to ask for your advice??

PS why would anyone ask a lesbo about straight relationship advice?!? She's a queer.....

Anonymous said...

Someone who is such a PR pro as Queer Abby should know the ol' PR maxim..."know thine audience."

If you run a sushi joint, and suddenly add meatloaf to the menu, don't be suprised if people aren't thrilled.

CheechaB said...

These last two anonymous comments are some of the rudest I have read.
Wasn't everyone paying attention when Meg explained what Queer Abby was all about? I enjoyed it, Meg. Move it or don't, I don't care. I'll be back pretty much every day to read whatever is here. And the advice was impressively good.

Holly said...

I like Queer Abby... why does it matter what day it's on?

kerry a. said...

"PS why would anyone ask a lesbo about straight relationship advice?!? She's a queer....."

That was incredibly uncalled for and just sickening. People are people. And this person wants to give you an atomic wedgie. At least. Sheesh.

Julia said...

SERIOUS vote to bring back DGF. I've been meaning to comment about it for a while but I was secretly hoping that one friday I'd come to the blog and it would have magically returned. Seriously though, the way I originally discovered the blog was through a drinking game search.


Sabri said...

Love Queer Abbey!
Agree that Monday would be the perfect day for her witty little remarks. Would also love it if DGF came back for the summer.

Anonymous said...

no post mondays again?

Anonymous said...

No Post Mondays suck a big one.

Anonymous said...

I am losing faith in 2b1b.

Anonymous said...

If you are only working the retail gig so you can focus on your writing doesnt that mean you should be writing on here more often?? I think that adding Queer Abby and not writing on Mondays just gives you less writing time which equals less chance of getting that book deal

Anonymous said...

I agree with Sabri, DGF is perfect for the summer :)

Mingosthename said...

Hey Meg! I loved Queer Abby and I don't care where you move it. I think it's fine on Fridays.

"If you are only working the retail gig so you can focus on your writing doesnt that mean you should be writing on here more often??"

Meg runs a free blog for your enjoyment so get off her case.

Laura said...

Now, now anonymous commenters... Meg is also trying to keep her apartment and afford food and probably pay off some student loans so while she loves this blog and all of her readers passionately and is trying for a book deal she can't always do everything at once. I think we can all sympathize that sometimes family, work, or personal issues come up that are beyond our control and need to be taken care of before the things we'd rather be doing...

W said...

i didn't really think this was funny... and i don't really think it will be no matter what day of the week it's posted on.


Anonymous said...

With the addition of Queer Abby, shouldn't the blog be renamed "3 Birds, 1 Blog"?

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