4.23.2010

Thoughts I Couldn't Flesh Out Into a Drinking Game

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As of 3:20am on April 23, 2010,
Larry Hagman is...alive! WIN!

BONUS ROUND! As of 3:21 am on April 23, 2010, Cella Hurst is...alive! DOUBLE WIN!

- I had the most absurd and vivid dream the other night and I'm going to share it with you because it was somewhat inspired by a blog comment. So! The other night I was walking home from work and I started thinking about how nice it is outside and how I can't believe the pool opens next month, and oh, speaking of pools, man I wish I owned a confederate flag bikini. And then I remembered the following blog comment:

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Because really, what an awesome call. My sister and I used to watch Shag all the time when we younger and I can't believe I forgot about it. (But you bet your balls that shit shot to the top of my Netflix queue faster than you can say "Myrtle Beach".)

Then that night I dreamt that I let a Hollywood producer and director double-team me so I could get Bridget Fonda's role in the 2010 remake of Shag. True story. And even weirder, the double-teaming happened in my parent's shower and the director kept knocking shampoo bottles over and I distinctly remember being like, "GAHHH, you have to stop knocking those bottles over! My parents are gonna know we were in here!!!!1"


So...That's one way to get a confederate flag bikini, I guess? Although truth be told, I don't even know if I got the part in the end. I'd like to think I did. And also, call me crazy, but a remake of Shag doesn't sound like a horrible idea. I know, I know; they're remaking everything these days and it's kind of bullcorn, but I'd totally be all about a Shag remake. Specifically if I got to write it and play Bridget Fonda's part. Oh my god, what if I wrote it while wearing a confederate flag bikini? WHAT IF I DO ALL OF MY WRITING WHILE WEARING A CONFEDERATE FLAG BIKINI?! It would kind of be like Homer's chili boots, but it would be my writing bikini. I feel like I meant for this entire last paragraph to stay in my head but it didn't. Awkward...

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- A homeless woman almost made me cry tonight. And not for obvious oh, poverty is so sad! reasons. More so because she was mean. I mean, she wasn't that mean; I've just been in a really fragile emotional state recently. I don't know what's going on with me. My depression fascinates me—it ebbs and flows without reason or rhyme. For all intents and purposes, I should be pretty happy right now. It's the spring, I like my job, I'm not stuck in the ghost factory with my evil bosses anymore, I have a bunch of fun trips coming up, I've got great friends, great family and a roof over my head in one of the best cities in the world—life is good. And yet, I'd say that I spent an estimated 85% of the past week curled up, fully clothed, in the fetal position in my bath tub singing The Rainbow Connection to myself.

I'm pretty sure this has to do with my birthday last week. I hate to seem predictable, but I don't like birthdays. I'm sure I sound like a total fucking killjoy because I feel like I'm always bitching about whatever holiday it is and how I don't like it, but I just don't like how holidays cause an unnecessary amount of reflection. I don't like reflecting. Because, hi, I'm a little bit crazy so when I reflect, I tend to just think about all of the things I haven't accomplished and end up feeling really empty and disappointed in myself. And birthdays and New Year's Eve tend to be when I'm the hardest on myself.

So I lock the door, put on a wife beater and my Jack Daniel's pajama pants, blast Gwen Stefani's What You Waiting For? and go white girl, go white girl, go! dance around my apartment for a while to psych myself up for all of the things that I will make happen this year. I will, I will, I will! Starting right now! I'm going to write that book! I'm going to try harder to put myself out there and meet a dude! I'm going to find a way to monetize the blog! I'm going to succeed! But ooooo.........there's a Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood marathon on. And my left foot hurts. And I can't find my bra. Welp! Better just sleep for 14 hours straight so I don't have to think about anything anymore. NIGHT!

And this frustrates me. Seriously. I just want to get a long pokin' stick and be like, "Hey, you. JAB, JAB. Stop that. Go do something." JAB. But I just can't get my shit together. And it's very frustrating.

Today I was feeling particularly frustrated with myself and as I was walking home from work tonight, a semi-loose cannon looking homeless woman approached me and said, "Excuse me, miss! Excuse me!" I'm terribly sorry, but I was not going to stop and talk to her. I don't know if that makes me a horrible person, but a.) I'm fucking broke b.) it was late and c.) I was in Georgetown and if Kal Penn can't take a late night stroll there without getting mugged, I'm sure as shit fucked. So I kept walking and said, "I'm sorry, I'm in a hurry." To which the woman screamed, "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK, YA DUMB BITCH. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS." Subscribing to the I Am Rubber And You Are Glue theory of life, I ignored her and kept walking, which prompted her to forcefully bark at me, "FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID-ASS CUNT."

Now, if I got upset every time a random homeless person yelled something nonsensical or hostile at me, I would have packed up my weekend hair and moved back to the suburbs years ago. Dealing with crazy people is part of the charm of living in a city and I wouldn't have it any other way. That being said, after the word "cunt" finished escaping this woman's lips, honest-to-god tears welled up in my eyes and I wanted to turn around and be like, "MADAM! TONIGHT IS NOT A GOOD NIGHT! I WOULD LIKE TO USE MY 'GET OUT OF BEING YELLED AT BY A HOMELESS PERSON, FREE CARD' NOW BECAUSE I RECENTLY TURNED 25 AND I FEEL FUCKING OLD AND LIKE I HAVEN'T ACCOMPLISHED ANYTHING IN LIFE AND I FEEL ALONE AND UNLOVABLE AND YOU NEED TO NOT CALL ME A STUPID BITCH OR A CUNT RIGHT NOW AND WALK AWAY
BECAUSE I. HAVE. EMOTIONS!!!!1

But instead I went to Trader Joe's and got string cheese and beer. Because the path that involves not getting shanked by a homeless woman and dairy is always the path of least resistance.

- On a positive note, the mirrors in Becky's apartment are the most flattering mirrors I have ever seen in my entire life. I wish I was kidding when I say that I spent the better part of this afternoon strutting around her apartment, gazing at myself and being like, "My god you're attractive." Then I got to work, washed my hands and looked up into their mirror and was like, "GAH—PUT IT AWAY! PUT IT AWAY!" Sooooo, the moral of the story is I'm never leaving Becky's apartment. Ever. Hope she's cool with that.

- This blog post is so emo I could vomit everywhere. Let's take a break from me and listen to other people's problems for a while!

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Queer Abbey,

I recently hooked up with a long time crush. It was hot. I want more. He's a tad younger and all electronic forms of communication between us are new as we do not run in the same social circle/ see or speak to each other often.
Tell me how to play it. Make me look good here.

Sincerely,
-Cannuck who likes to.....go for dinner. What did you think I was going to say???

Dear Hungry Cannuck,

I know very little about the two of you and your situation, but generally speaking, keep it casual. I find that any combination of random, funny and alcohol is usually fail-safe.

For example, I might text/email/facebook message him and say:
Did you know 4/20 falls on a Tuesday this year?

Sub questions: Did you know Tonic has 50¢ tacos every Tuesday night?

Um, the universe clearly has a plan for us and I think it would be foolish (and maybe even dangerous) to resist.

Of course, if 4/20 means nothing to you or you don’t think he’s into that kind of thing, I’ve found that smuggling a six pack into a movie theater for something like Hot Tub Time Machine is a perfect, no-pressure, non-date date. It just depends on what you’re both in to.

Bottom line, plan something fun/ridiculous (based on what you’re both in to) and invite him to join. It’s your call whether to make it a group thing or just the two of you; either way pitch it like you are going to do it regardless and he’s welcome to join in. If he’s interested in hanging out you’ll know-- boys don’t play hard to get. So if he doesn’t bite, don’t push it. Leave it alone until you either randomly run into each other again or something else fun comes up that you can casually invite him to (after at least a few weeks have passed). And if he does want to hang out, then I’m 84% positive that you two will hook up again as long as you still want to.

I have a few thoughts on this one:

1.) I feel like I'm on glue because I had to read that question like 9,000 times to figure out what that person was asking.

2.) Tonic has 50¢ tacos every Tuesday night? Seriously? What are the chances that this "slightly younger hook-up" you're referring to is me? Because if you asked me out to a high-taco night, I'd pretty much give it up to you in the cab on the way over.

3.) This question seemed sort of time sensitive...I hope I didn't ruin your game by postponing last week's Queer Abby because of my birthday. But if so, check it out—my birthday ruined both
of our weeks! TWINSIES!!!

______________

Queer Abby,

I hate my job. I truly do. I know that there is absolutely, 100% nothing unique to my situation ... soooo many people dislike where they work. I have a degree in journalism and am looking for a career in an advertising/PR firm. Well, thanks to the economy, media jobs are horrendously scarce and after months of searching after college, I had to settle on the first offer I was given - a graphic designer in the publishing industry. It's not glamorous, I promise. A year later I applied for and was given a job in the marketing department of the same company. I thought it was a huge step in the right direction to be in an ad agency, but I was wrong. I just make lists of who is appearing in what advertisement. Like most people in my department, I'm grossly over-qualified for the work (and my yearly income is below the national poverty line). I wouldn't mind that so much if the work was rewarding in the least bit. I work for a fast-growing company that introduces new products and services without telling anyone how to go about fulfilling them. We don't have time to get used to the changes before even more are introduced. There is no breathing room. People are being fired and hired constantly. I reach out for help and guidance just to get empty promises of, "We're looking into this" or "Someone will help you figure this out". I'm so overwhelmed and sick of staring at my computer screen for 8 hours a day, doing monotonous, paint-by-number work. I come home grumpy and tired. I've been looking for other work for over a year now and have little results. I don't know what to do. I'm so thankful to even have a job, and it makes me feel guilty for complaining ... I just need to figure out a solution to preserve my sanity.

Sorry that was long-winded,
Courtney A.


Good news, Courtney! You’re completely allowed to hate your job even during a recession. And you’re right, you are in good company. So, here’s what you should do: start a blog that’s dedicated to ripping on the culture at your office and the ass-hats you work with. As long as you remain anonymous, you should totally be fine…oh wait. [Smart ass...]

Really though, I know so many people in this boat that I think it deserves a real answer. Over the last year, if you’ve just been searching a lot and applying occasionally because you’re not seeing much you love, you need to be less picky right now. The immediate goal is to get yourself out of the bad/uninspiring/unsatisfying situation, where you currently spend most of your waking hours. If you’re miserable and you’re not learning there anymore, almost any move will help you preserve your sanity and broaden your skill-set with transferable, if not directly relatable experience. You're exceptionally lucky that you at least know the direction you want to go in—that’s more than most people in their 20’s can say. But, for now, you don’t have to find the perfect job and you don’t have to stop the job hunt once you move on to something new.

If you’ve been pushing tons of resumes out with no luck, it’s possible your resume or cover letters could use some work. It’s worth paying someone to look over it with you, seriously. Let me know if you decide to go this route and I can put you in contact with some people I know who are great at this and very reasonably priced. You might also think about scheduling some informational interviews. It’s great way to network, get face time with people in your field and learn whether a company/job will get you where you want to be. Be shameless in asking for them, most people love talking about themselves (except Carolyn Hax apparently…she doesn’t know it, but we’re in a fight)

I'm torn. Part of me wants to take you in my arms, hug you and rock gently because I know the pain of what you're going through all too well. The other part wants to flick you in the tit as hard as I can because the unglamorous first job you "settled" for after college was the job I worked my ass off to get. But because you clearly read my blog, I'm going to go with the hug. So there. This is me hugging you. And rocking, ever-so-gently. Hugs!

Yeah man. I agree with Amy. It sucks, but you totally have the right to be like, "this sucks." I mean, I pretty much just had my period all over today's blog, so I'm obviously pro-whining. It's cathartic. Don't apologize or feel guilty for it. But like Amy said, you know what you want to do, so now it's just a matter of getting your inner poking stick out and jabbing yourself hard enough to go get it. In the mean time, you are more than welcome to watch Tori and Dean and binge drink the pain away with me any time.

______________

Dear Queer Abby,

I recently was broken up with by a boyfriend. We were in a serious relationship for four years and were living together. I kind of had thought he was going to be... it. But, obviously not. Although I am glad that dirty fuck and I are over, I have also had a lot of issues maintaining my self-esteem and self-respect since the whole ordeal. Is there anything that I can do? I thought about trying out girls, but I can barely handle the idea of my own vagina much less another persons!

I guess what I actually really want to know is whether it is crazy to feel like every member of the opposite sex is completely uninterested in me. I mean, is my ex just under the impression that I am some monstrosity of a woman?! Are all men?! Because, I am interested in all of them. Well, except that dirty fuck. And only the attractive ones. That are funny. And, that are tall, and can carry an intelligent conversation, if needed.


Thank you,
Margot

Dear Margot:

A) I’m so sorry your relationship with your vagina is on the rocks.

B) I’m so relieved I don’t have to talk you out of that whole “trying out girls” thing.

C) Everything you’re thinking and feeling is 100% normal. I’m assuming for the past 4 years, you’ve taken your ex’s opinion of you pretty seriously. If you could just turn that off, I would be worried about you. But it will definitely become less and less important in how you see yourself.

D) His opinion (whatever it may be) does not reflect that of ANYONE else, and every member of the opposite sex is not totally disinterested in you. BUT people can sense it when someone is desperately seeking affirmation and approval from others because they feel like shit about themselves, so don’t. Concentrate on doing things that legitimately make you feel good about yourself like working out, traveling, taking on a cool project, buying stuff, learning stuff, or whatever else is your jam. And don’t worry about jumping right back into dating. You’re so much more likely to end up with someone who is good for you when you respect yourself and have a clear sense of who you are, what you want and what you deserve. It can take a minute to get there after a break-up.

E) I recently read somewhere that attractive, funny, tall, guys who can carry intelligent conversations on queue flock to women who love their va jay jays and are temporarily unavailable by choice. Don’t ask me why, it’s just science.


OK, this isn't advice at all, but one time freshman year of college, I was talking to my friend Jill on AIM about this very subject and we were being like, "Bahh, boys suck! I feel like shit about myself! Why can't I find a good guy?" blah, blah, blah and I said, "Sometimes I wish I were a lesbian. And then I remember how much I like dick and it seems like a bad idea." Jill thought this was really funny, so she put me saying it as her away message, which as we all recall was quite an honor in the world of AIM, so I felt pretty good about myself. That is until her mom sent her a message telling her how crass it was and asking her to take it down. I was so fucking embarrassed. And what's even more embarrassing is that her mom reads this blog. As do many other of my friend's moms, my mom and my mom's friends. Which I've decided to embrace. HI LADIES! SEND MARGOT GOOD ENERGY!

Got a question for Queer Abby? Email QueerAbby@2birds1blog.com! Amy will give you super sound advice and then I'll ramble incoherently about god knows what and make you feel better about your life in comparison. QueerAbby@2birds1blog.com!

Things are feeling oddly WOOO! SAD-TURNED-EMPOWERED SINGLE LADY! in here today. Thus, I leave you with Ex Co-Blogger Eddie's brief but potent First Wives Club Drinking Game!

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[To be played with a bottle of Andre fine California Sparkling Wine.]

Take a sip of your drink (out of the bottle)…

- When a character takes a sip of their drink (alcoholic)


- When the word lesbian is used or lesbianism is referenced

- When someone says something to the effect of “this is the 90’s!”

- For every character on screen who is wearing pearls.

Shout l'chaim and drink...

- When Bar Mitzvahs or studying Hebrew is discussed/occurs (this was turned into when Judaism is mentioned…which turned into when a person who is Jewish is on the screen.) In conclusion drink when you see Bette Midler.


As per always, thank you so much for reading and especially for passing the blog on to your friends, family and co-workers. Should you feel so moved, you can always follow us on Twitter
and join our Facebook page as well. Have a great weekend and we'll see you back here bright and early Monday morning! Later!

142 comments:

Justine said...

I used to live in DC, and I'm 97% sure I had a run-in with the same homeless woman...I feel your pain. Stupid-ass cunts unite!

Sarah P said...

Yeah. The time. Sure. That's just what she says to people not interested in her panhandling.

Totally read "Quarterlife Crisis" a few years ago. It helped me through the quarterlife weepies 4 reelz, even though I felt really douchey for even picking it up.

It's weird, a few years later, my life is completely different and even though I am technically in my 30s now, I don't feel as old and unaccomplished as I did at 25. FWIW.

Sarah P said...

P.S. The third paragraph there has nothing to do with reading Quarterlife Crisis. I just felt a little less alone and helpless in this crazy world after reading it.

Rachel said...

Meghan! How did you not mention the time we were walking back form Beccas and the crazy scary man yelled that he would turn us into Steak Tar-tar!!!hahahaha

Anonymous said...

My birthday's coming up, too. Any last-minute advice for handling it?!

Elisa said...

This line fucking made my say:

"Because the path that involves not getting shanked by a homeless woman and dairy is always the path of least resistance."

Truer words have never been spoken.

ashley said...

The fact that you know and love the movie Shag makes my day. No one ever knows what that movie is and I super love it especially since i'm from spartanburg and my mom went to high school with the real "pudge"!

Veronica said...

Totally made my morning that my Shag comment spawned a dream for Ms. McBlogger. Seriously, one of the best movies ever!

jessie said...

I read this while listening to Ryan Cabrera's "On the Way Down" in the background and I'd like to think that's how you would've wanted it to be.

Brian said...

String cheese FOR THE WIN. I am severely addicted to them. Like, I grab anywhere between 3-6 at a time when I want one. I buy the 24-packs every week. I'm rapidly approaching "needs a support group" with this.

Anonymous said...

You should answer all of the Queer Abby questions yourself. No offense Amy but Megs answers are hilarious and keep with the tone of the rest of the blog.

http://maryworthandme.blogspot.com said...

Meg! It's Okay! I'm a 25 year-old with no job . . . plus I'm older than you. You are still getting more done than me. Love your blog, keep it up!

E said...

You know, Queer Amy gets a bunch of shit in the comments on this blog but I think that her answers are actually pretty great. Yeah, she's having a serious conversation with a reader and that doesn't really keep with the "tone" of this blog but I have to say, who cares? Skip Queer Amy if you feel that way. I don't really like drinking game Friday (especially when they are looooonnggg) and don't find them particularly humorous, but the other 99% of the content on here (INCLUDING Queer Abby) makes me laugh and remember that I'm only one of MANY mid to late twenty somethings who are generally stuck in a big fat rut about everything about life, so instead of hating on Hagman and DGF I just say Thank you, Meg for making me feel less alone in this cruel, cruel world.

"Mike" said...

Shoulda went with an NFL Draft Drinking Game. Those are always fun.

James said...

New Years are the worst, birthdays are almost as bad. I totally agree with you. At least when you say you don't want to do anything for your birthday, people just think you're a little crazy, and don't feel obligated to force you to do something. Been there. Feel ya, sista. But not literally (unless you want me to?).

Anonymous said...

i love first wives club!! and my 25th birthday is today; so i feel your quarter-life crisis pain. Thank you for posting this as a drinking game. Next time a homeless lady yells at you, i think you should burst into the song "You Don't Own Me," accompanied with the dance routine. Make Bette, Diane, and Goldie proud!

Jmarls80 said...

I was leaving E Street Cinema late one night and there was an African American man playing the saxophone on the corner. I love street musicians, so I made a, "What you're doing is great!" face at him - or so I thought. Instead of a smile and a little sax trill at me, he yanks the sax out of his mouth, looks at me with EXTREME hatred, and says, "What are YOU looking at?! You can't hear me! You're on planet WHITE PEOPLE!" I cried, too.

Monica said...

Oh my god, I am so glad I chose to read the comments today (like I don't every other day). First off, I love this blog, it is a godsend - especially during the monotonous days of work (which is most every day). I keep telling everyone how amazingly funny 2b1b is and have sent numerous entries to my sister and mother (yes, my mother, she totally appreciates this type of humor) - however, not nearly as much as my sister who informed me that she actually cried while reading "Ambien and Evie" because it was just that funny.

Anyways, I too am turning 25 soon (week and a half!) and have been trying to mull over what I do with my life to make my self feel fulfilled, blah, blah, blah. I, however, had never head of Quarterlife Crisis, the book/blog community/what not and am happy to now that there are enough of us aimless midtwenties kids out there to warrant a whole book and community. It absolutely makes my day.

So thanks 2b1b community, you're awesome.

A. Rue said...

To Margot (and College!Meg):

As Queer Abby said, it makes complete sense that you're adjusting to a life where you're not at least in part measuring yourself by your ex's standards. But I have a huge point to make about guys (and girls, let's be honest here):
Confident people are hot.
No science, no tricks, just remember those four words: Confident people are hot.

Seriously dude, I'm maybe a six or something, and I've never really had trouble finding companionship when I want it. Why? Well, as much as I'd like to tell myself it's because everyone loves darkly sarcastic pocket-size brunettes, it's simply that I have a big "fuck you, I know I'm awesome" attitude going on, and people dig it.

Instead of worrying about not being attractive to anyway, work out being happy on your own. By the time you've got yourself a little more settled, you probably won't even remember you had a problem with picking up guys :)

-Beth

A. Rue said...

*anyONE... thanks, Fridays.

-Beth

Anonymous said...

queer abby is definitely growing on me, and i will say i LOVE having really long posts on friday.

Angie said...

I wish Queer Abby were my person life coach...she's just so wise.

I've always hated my birthday. The whole day makes me feel awkward (see "Happy Birthday!" "You too..er, thanks."), so I never tell people it's coming up. This was particularly depressing when my friends who seldom go on facebook forgot my 21st birthday and it took them 3 hours to ask how and why I had just drank an entire 6 pack of beer. Awkward.

Or my 20th birthday which was possibly more pathetic...

Birthdays are SO emo.

Nate said...

OK, Sarah P up at the top of the comments recommended a book called "Quarterlife Crisis." I have read that book. And one or two others about the same thing.

And MY advice is to STAY AWAY from them. I read one called "Now What?" and it was the most depressing thing ever. I feel like all of those books just end with the same conclusion along the lines of "Yep, shit sucks and you're fucked. But it might get better later. Maybe."

Which, to me, is anything but helpful or encouraging.

Anyways, Meist, those of us who are past 25 (me and millions of others) have gone or are currently going through the same feelings about life.

Which is exactly why alcohol exists.

The end.

Love,
Dr. Sinners.

Jennifer said...

Bums are some of Memphis' finest...right next to hookers/crack whores.

Seen:

Crackhead prostitute yelling and cussing out traffic. When we drove by "someone" yelled crackhead!! She yelled back "Suck my titty" and popped one out.

A man was standing on the railroad tracks taking his clothes off. When I passed he had his shirt off and his pants around his ankles. He waved and smiled.

Homeless guy riding a bike with a shopping cart basket tied to the front.

Saw a car pull into the parking lot and honk its horn. Then a crack whore jumped out of a tree and got into the car.

My favorite is the bum that hangs out by my work. Dude is scary! Dresses like a pirate. Gives you this stinkeye and makes you fear for your life, all while wearing women's clothes.

andrea said...

"In the mean time, you are more than welcome to watch Tori and Dean and binge drink the pain away with me any time."
you. are. my. hero. For so many reasons. But this post is frighteningly good timing. I have been feeling this EXACT SAME WAY for like a week and a half, and I have no idea why. I wrote a post on my own blog last night talking about Tori and Dean, and how you're my favorite, and you always seem to be having similar problems with similar reactions.. Freaky.

tooloud.tumblr.com

Whitney K said...

Lets talk about the fact that my mother made me sit through Gone With the Wind the other week (had never seen it...sue me) and at the part where Scarlett gets all "Yankees in Tara" I looked at my mother and said "um excuse me...this is from Shag!" I then proceeded to put Shag in my queue...received it...did not watch it until LAST NIGHT (I like to think I have things to do) and I get on here and you are talking about it. Loves it/I call dibs on Buzz.

Anonymous said...

omg I think I know the woman you're talking about!! I go to gtown and the other day I was walking/jogging down m street cuz I was late for class, on the phone, AND carrying like a bajillion bags from work. she stops me and won't LET me pass and when I say I'm sorry I'm busy, indicating the phone in my hand, she goes "OH REALLY?!? you're BUSY?? alright, BITCH"
I was already stressed and just wanted to cry!! my GOD, if she thought I wasn't giving her the time of day BEFORE, well NOW I just want to be besties with her, don't I?

Elliot said...

Oh my god I literally thought the "I hate my job" email was me until I got to the phrase "graphic designer." Liek I seriously thought I'd drunkenly emailed it. Freaky.

Carson said...

I'm not allowed to go to Myrtle Beach.

Beth said...

Aww, little Meglet...not to have my period all over the comments section, but I've been struggling a lot with depression, too, so I feel your pain-pretty much the only differences are that instead of Tori and Dean, I watch Intervention, while drinking Captain Morgan that I hide from my roommate.
Seriously, though, you're an incredible lady and writer and you can do this! We all loooove you!

Danielle Robinson said...

for that matter, drink when you see SJP. She's Jewish too! And does Goldie count because she's half? I have a feeling that if you abide by this final rule, someone will end up in the hospital and/or you'll need another bottle of Andre.

Ali said...

"And yet, I'd say that I spent an estimated 85% of the past week curled up, fully clothed, in the fetal position in my bath tub singing The Rainbow Connection to myself."

Is it wrong that this idea sounds completely intriguing to me? I've been insanely depressed lately myself, for a list of reasons I won't bore anyone with, and it's nice to know I'm not alone when it comes to the "weird" ways one copes with depression. While you dance around to Gwen Stefani or sing to yourself in the bathtub, I, on the other hand, eat cheesecake or ice cream while watching my favorite TV show, Six Feet Under, and have a cry fest. And what's weird is I actually LOOK FORWARD to this when I'm depressed, because it's all part of the strange healing process.

/my own written period.

Mel said...

It's definitely OK to hate birthdays. I feel like such a stereotype whenever I start bitching about mine - especially because all the women I work with are in their 40's/50's and just tell me I'm being 'ridiculous' and that they 'wish they were as young' as me.

25/26 is especially bad because you're starting to realize that you really should be doing more with your life, and oh god, you're close to being thirty, and you're still doing your taxes on April 14th and washing loads of laundry that are just underwear because you're tired of wearing bikini bottoms under your work pants ... or maybe that's just me. :)

Also, dairy is always the path of least resistance, and if I were your Real Life friend, I would have already bought you that Rebel Flag bikini (grew up in the South, so that's what I always call it).

JenaBeeeethatsMe said...

walking in London a homeless woman walks up and says "'scuse me miss" in a nice british accent (she's in my face, spit distance) she goes on to tell me that if the government wouldn't find out, she'd rip my face off and cut it into pieces. And then walks off talking to herself. By far the most horrific experience....

Lornieloo said...

im 27 and have been unemployed for the last year..what to do with my life?who knows...i have great plans for becoming a famous actor...but unless Ireland gives me a break some time soon i think im just gonna sit in my pjs and watch more jersey shore.finally hit our lil country!!! chin up meg...sending hugs from across the atlantic!! x

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Timothy said...

Christ, your blogging makes me so horny Meg.

I regret breaking up with you now.

- @toastedzen

Jennifer said...

reading this gave me pure joy. i needed that. thanks. i won't go off myself now.
btw meg, you are SERIOUSLY behind in sending me some stickers (you promised me some jager (yes i am 24 and don't know how to do that double dot thing) ball stickers) so stop wallowing and send, please :)
love your face off even though i don't know what it looks like

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(1. My love of Andre has not abated since freshman year of college. When I visited the new-ish MoCo liquor store in Bethesda a few months ago, I actually SQUEALED out loud (SOLed?) when I saw they had the peach-flavored kind.

(2. Did you know that the brand responsible for Andre also makes Bartles & Jaymes? The world makes so much sense right now.

Rachel D said...

Hey Meg-

(and any other commenters who are having quarter life crises like myself)

So theres this NYT article on depression.. its kinda long and dense BUT uplifting because they essentially make the point that depression breeds creativity and motivation. Read it and if you have the time let me know what you think. Enjoy!

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/28/magazine/28depression-t.html?pagewanted=1&em

Anonymous said...

"i promise no post mondays aren't the new thing"

BIG FAT LIAR!

B said...

25 isn't so bad when you have a job and a good relationship and your family loves and accepts you....i'm 25 and i have 1.5 of those things listed and the one I do have currently(my job)...i get to have for exactly 65 more days until the "approval" of my termination (no i'm not kidding, that WAS the verbage) ensues. Ain't life grand, shug?

In any case, you're the shit. You're intelligent, hilarious, and a fuck-ton more clever than i'll ever be. Thanks for all the doubled-over-til-i-pee-on-myself moments.

Anonymous said...

where's todays post? slackin...I wish I could find the blog a couple years ago where you promised to write every single day...

Kathryn said...

no post mondays make me cryyyyy

Anonymous said...

every time there is no post i am afraid meg killed herself...

Nick said...

Man, some of these anonymous posts are harsh, and I'm just drunk enough to weigh in on it.

You guys act like she gave you a promise ring or something. She'll post when she's good and ready. There's even a good chance that whatever has kept her from posting will inevitably end up (in a hilarious way) on the blog tomorrow.

I don't like no post Mondays either, but even at 9-5 jobs people are allowed personal days. Cut the poor girl some slack, you hyenas.

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The really odd thing about that homeless woman is I had a similar experience, but with a total jackass I used to go to school with. This guy, who hadn't said a word to me in years, asked me one day in the cafeteria in high school if I had a dollar he could borrow. I was having a particularly good day and thought what the hell and checked my wallet and replied with, "I'm sorry, I don't" upon seeing I had notta. His reaction? "Suck my dick bitch" and walked off. Maybe he is that homeless lady's son.

And on the queer abby question, girl we have all felt like that at one time or another--you're not crazy! We all go through it at some point.

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