1.28.2010

CRACKED OUT LIFE PLANS!

Almost getting fired last week turned my world upside down, but not in the way that you think it would. Instead of being like, "BAHHH, I almost got fired! Jobs are hard to come by! Money buys you pants and sandwiches! I should straighten up and fly right!" I just wish I had actually gotten fired. Because while anxiously waiting for The Talk last week, I really came to peace with the idea of not working here anymore and got excited at the thought of pursuing other life avenues. But as we all now know, that Talk never came and here I am, still stuck in this ghost ridden dump show. Perhaps last week was the wake up call I needed that I've become too complacent in this job and it's time for me to make moves. After all, this was origionally just supposed to be a "for now" job and I've already been here for over a year. Yep. It's time to bust a move.

But here's my question: if I quit my job...where exactly would I get this "money" that everyone speaks so highly of? Jäger isn't exactly cumming in their pants at the thought of sponsoring us, literary agents are like bicycles: I don't have one, and Lord knows you're just as broke as I am, so I'm not looking at you. This means that when push comes to shove, I actually can't make moves. Which is a fact that causes me a
significant amount of stress and frustration. And that stress and frustration, coupled with how sick I've been recently, has turned me into one giant cracked out freakshow.

HOWEVER! When god closes one door, he opens a window and I think I've found my window! In my haze of complete cracked out...ness yesterday while talking to Co-Blogger Chris, I got an idea: I'm going to make a graphic novel and make a
babillion dollars off of it. BAHAHA! Take that quarter-life crisis!

CRACKED OUT GRAPHIC NOVEL BOOK IDEA:

I call it,
The Adventures of Aspie's Clip and Weekend Hair. Aspie's Clip and Weekend Hair are two important characters in my life who you don't know about because up until now I've had a shred of dignity left. But you know what? Fuck it! I've got nothing left, so why not just let it all hang out, right? Let's start with Aspie's Clip. I have a Mac Powerbook that Alex got during his Junior year of college and I bought off him when I moved back from Brooklyn. It's a bit old and rickity, but it gets the job done. One day I was in bed with said laptop when I randomly found a paper clip. I started fiddling with the paper clip, as you do, and I realized that it is magnetically attracted to the latch on the front of my laptop. From then on, I kept the paper clip attached to the front latch so I have something to fiddle with while I'm working. I became oddly dependent on it. It became part of my creative process.

Flash forward to the weekend of Jäger Ball. Saturday morning Chris and I were snuggling in bed together when I pulled out my laptop to check my email. Chris, ever the curious little thing he is, reached over and grabbed the paper clip off my computer. Which is when I freaked the fuck out. I shot up, grabbed the paper clip back and shouted,
"DON'T TOUCH THAT!!!!! DON'T TOUCH MY PAPER CLIP!!!!!!1 Now, the reason I did this is because I knew that if Chris got his grubby little talons on it, he'd probably unbend it or pocket it, or drop it or lose it or any number of things that result in me no longer being able to fiddle with it while working. (And I realize if that were to happen, I could easily just get another one, but bringing a paper clip home from work for the soul purpose of sticking it to my computer to fiddle with is a depth of odd that even I'm not willing to explore yet.) So, yes, I freaked out a little bit. "Wow...." he said as he handed the paper clip back to me with wide eyes. "Here's your paper clip back, Aspie." Embarrassed, I tried to explain why I was so attached to the paper clip in the first place, which of course only made the situation worse. From then on out, we began referring to it as my "Aspie's Clip". Throughout the weekend Chris would randomly be like, "WAIT! EVERYONE STOP! STOP EVERYTHING!...Where is Aspie's Clip??" and I'd point to him safely on my computer and be like, "He's right there! No worries!" (Also, I'd be lying if I said at one point during Jäger Ball, I didn't lean over to Chris and whisper, "God, I wish Aspie's Clip were here to see this.") (I'd also be lying if I said Chris didn't respond, "I know. He'd love this.") Aspie's Clip has taken on a life of it's own. In casual gchat conversations with Chris, he'll routinely be like, "Hey, how's Aspie Clip doing?" and I'll give him a full life update. He's a force to be reckon with. He's Aspie's Clip! How could you not love him?

Now, Weekend Hair. Ok. I'm not going to lie to you: I have an affinity for fake hair. I've had
painfully fine hair my entire life and have always fantasized about what it would be like to have long, thick, luxurious locks. I've thought about getting extensions more times than you can imagine, but always Jew out in the end when I see the steep price tag. Thus, you can imagine how happy I was when I heard about the Ken Paves/Jessica Simpson line of clip in hair extensions called HairDo. One day in early 2008, I finally went into Ricky's in New York and got myself a 22-inch midnight brown HairDo clip-in hair piece. I was elated. It looked badass. I explained to Co-Blogger Chris (my then roommate) that I would only wear it on weekends because it would be too awkward to show up to work one day with mysteriously long and luxurious hair and my short little chemo hair the next. "It'll be my weekend hair!" I told him. And thus, we started referring to it exclusively as Weekend Hair.

I honestly think Weekend Hair was more popular with my friends than I was. While I'd get ready to go out for the night, Chris would pop his head into my room all, "IS WEEKEND HAIR COMING OUT TONIGHT?!" and if I said yes that meant it would be a good night. (It has been theorized that the Black Eyed Peas' I Gotta Feeling was origionally written about Weekend Hair.) When my friends from home came up to visit they'd all ask if weekend hair would be coming out with us and when I came home to visit them they'd remind me not to forget her. When I arrived at places, it was always, "WEEKEND HAIR'S HERE!.......And...Meg..." I think towards the end I was only invited places because Weekend Hair happened to be attached
to my head.

One time I got cocky with it and wore Weekend Hair to work in an up-do. What a heinously embarrassing call that was. The evil whore-bags I worked with would be like, "Your hair looks...
different today," and I'd have to be like, "HAHA...yeah. It's just a...it's a Ken Paves...it's...never mind I GOTTA GO I THINK I HEAR MY EMAIL!" Finally towards the end of the day an Editorial Assistant came in to give me something and was like, "What's different with your hair...?" and I completely lost it and yelled at her, "IT'S FAKE HAIR, OK?! YES, I AM WEARING FAKE HAIR. TO WORK. BECAUSE I AM RAGING WHITE TRASH. ARE YOU HAPPY?!" I don't think that really helped my dwindling office popularity...

Anyways, like all good things, Weekend Hair had to come to an end. The average lifespan of a HairDo peice is six months, and
man did I stretch that out. One night Weekend Hair and I hooked up with a gentleman on a tarp under a beer pong table and when I woke up the next morning she was covered in Miller Lite knots, body fluids, broken dreams and god knows what else. Thus, I finally decided it might be time to retire her. (Sidenote: Jen Toppe, I know you've been mind-boggled by this before, but let me reiterate that you can hook up while wearing Weekend Hair and he won't know the difference. Because THAT'S how Ken Paves and Jessica Simpson roll. Although I will tell you that one time I was doin' it with a gentleman while wearing Weekend Hair in a low pony tail and in the heat of the moment he pulled on it and it 100% slid out. I was like, "Yyyyyyyeahhhhhh...just ignore that." Honestly, he didn't seem too fazed. Although anyone who's going to pull your hair that hard during sex probably deserves to have it be a clip-on.) (That was the most redneck sentence I've ever written and I'm not sure what to do about it...)

After I gave Weekend Hair her royal burial in a dumpster in Brooklyn (fitting burial or what?) I never bought another one again. It just seemed like it would be cheating or something. My mom
did buy me a HairDo ponytail she saw on QVC in October ("Weekend Hair 2.0"), but it's not the same. Sometimes Chris and I have uncomfortably long gchat conversations about how much we miss Weekend Hair and wonder what she's doing right now. If she's staring at the same moon and thinking about us...? Yesterday, in my state of sheer cracked-out...ness, we began musing about who would win in a fight between Aspie's Clip and Weekend Hair. The thought of Aspie's Clip and Weekend Hair with little shivs in their hands, circling each other West Side Story style was almost too comical to imagine. Thus! I want to write a graphic novel about the Adventures of Aspie's Clip and Weekend Hair living together in my apartment and the shenanigans they get up to when I leave for work. I think it could make it big in an Arj and Poopy kind of way. And make a babillion dollars and never have to work again.

My only trepidation is that I can't illustrate. And I don't know how interested people are in the adventures of my paper clip and slutty clip-on hair. And that I'm currently having this conversation with Chris via ghchat:

me: so i have an entire post about aspie's clip and weekend hair written, but i don't know if i'm brave enough to post it.
Sent at 12:08 PM on Thursday
Christopher: this is dicey.
what exactly are you saying?
like just outline it for me
i'm concerned a reader might have you committed.
Sent at 12:10 PM on Thursday
me: my life is in the shitter -> what should i do with myself? -> oh i have a cracked out idea! -> write a graphic novel about the adventures of aspie's clip and weekend hair! -> who are they, you ask? -> this is aspie's clip -> this is weekend hair -> this is a bad idea. lol. FIN.
Christopher: this worries me.

God damnit. Back to the drawing boards...

57 comments:

Chris said...

Wow. We had some times. That are not unusual. In the least.

Lydia said...

Tim Gunn would be proud. Because this was a really sketchy idea, but you totally 'made it work.'I giggled my way through this while the maintenance guys here gave me strange looks and I just prayed they wouldn't ask me why I was laughing, because I just don't know how to explain this. :)

Anonymous said...

how does one insert weekend hair

Beth said...

HAHAHA, OMG, my roommate has "weekend hair", the clip in kind but she made them herself (she works at a salon so they actually look pretty good and realistic) - but anytime she got into a make-out sesh with a guy and it starts to make it's way to the bedroom, she would try to be super stealth and hide the extensions in various places in her room. They've ended up in the dirty clothes hamper, her shoe bag in her closet, bathroom drawers, inside cabinents, all over the place. And it would always be an adventure the next day to try and find the missing treasure once her gentleman of the night left in the morning.

Anonymous said...

Although anyone who's going to pull your hair that hard during sex probably deserves to have it be a clip-on.) (That was the most redneck sentence I've ever written and I'm not sure what to do about it...)


haha best line for sure. my roommate in college also had weekend hair and it was always a great adventure.

Casey said...

A few weeks ago, I bought individual clip-on hair extensions, a la the ones Sammi Sweetheart swings around and gesticulates with every week on Jersey Shore (R.I.P.) I was super excited to wear them, but quickly super bummed when I realized that my hair is too thick and it ended up just looking like I had an 18-inch long mullet. I tearfully bid my Weekend Hair (and the $90 price tag) ado. My slutty Weekend Hair is now sitting in a box somewhere waiting to be moved into our new house, probably never to be worn again. She'll never live her dreams of hooking up with someone under a pool table and ending up smelling like Miller Lite and shame the next morning.

(Oh, and is it weird that when I picture Aspie's Clip, it's that little paper clip dude that pops up and talks to you in old versions of Microsoft Word?)

...Um, all of this is to say that I would TOTALLY buy your graphic novel.

Anonymous said...

outstanding.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

but you totally 'made it work.
Good. Because it was touch and go for a while...

how does one insert weekend hair
I recommend you read the directions located here:
http://www.hairextensions.com/product.php?productid=4&cat=0&page=1

A. Rue said...

I've got the perfect idea for you. Write your own manual with questions every 20-something (and let's face it, folks of ages above and blow) need to have answered. You can be the next Dr. Ruben.

A. Rue said...

That was supposed to be "below," but I think "blow" works there too, honestly.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

WOW. I should not give anyone advice. Ever. My life is hanging on my a floss sized thread. But! I like your moxie.

Anonymous said...

oh man. weekend hair and aspies clip are the tits.

Patrick said...

Graphic novel or not, I want more Aspie's clip and Weekend hair in my life. I gotta have it.

Anonymous said...

okay i'll be the moron that doesnt get it:

aspies = aspergers? or did i miss a post?

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

okay i'll be the moron that doesnt get it:

aspies = aspergers? or did i miss a post?


Yes, Aspie's = Asperger's. Sorry. I think I've referred to myself in the past as a little bit Aspie's (and a little bit rock 'n roll) but I apologize for the confusion.

Laura said...

Casey, I'm picturing the Microsoft paper clip too! If that's weird I don't want to be normal...

Nel said...

I don't think I've ever laughed so hard at a blog post. Kindred spirits.

Kate said...

FAVORITE POST TO DATE. Cheers.

Chris said...

Holy shit I was going to say word-for-word what Kate said. Whoa.

Talia said...

you KNOW I love me some weekend hair! do you ever think spitter and weekend hair ever got it on?

Jessica said...

First, I just want to say that I didn't know what "aspie" meant either....so I googled it and absolutely lost my shit with the resulting Wikipedia page. It was too perfect for words.

Second, for Beth, whose roommate made her own weekend hair because she works at a salon - did she...steal the hair off the floor and super-glue it to a barrette? I think I need clarification here.

All in all, definitely one of my favorite posts to date.

Anonymous said...

you could get Holiday Hair, to not make Weekend Hair feel bad about being replaced. I love my Holiday Hair! It's wavy, my Holiday Hair likes the beach. - becky

A. Rue said...

I'll take what I can get.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

you KNOW I love me some weekend hair! do you ever think spitter and weekend hair ever got it on?
Um you KNOW Spitter and Weekend Hair were hittin' it on the regular. Their romance can be a chapter in my new book.

Sarah P said...

So, just out of sheer curiosity, what is your plan B?

Not that plan A is bad. It's just ... good ... good to have a backup plan.

Just in case the whole hair-extension v. paper clip graphic novel ... thing ... doesn't catch on.

Not saying it won't!

It's just. Well, have you read "The Tipping Point?"

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Anonymous said...

backup plans are for pussies

Anonymous said...

Meg, we won't have you committed. And don't worry... we've all had a "get rich quick book" idea hoping that we'll end up loaded like Tucker Maxx. Mine is called "Chronicles of the Peen: The big, the small, and all the oopsies in between." Don't judge.

Meg said...

Oh Christ, that was the hardest I've ever had to work to not burst out laughing in the office. I would totally buy that graphic novel.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I have no plan B. Getting pregnant, I guess? Or would that make things worse? Shit...

Jennifer said...

Meg,

You are awesome. That is all.

Hails said...

Reading the beginning of this post I seriously thought that I wrote it from another dimension, then I realized how lame it would be to have the "other dimension me" in a dead-end job with no hope for the future, which is the same as the current dimension me.

Lawsome30 said...

In 1990, I was in middle school (typing that just made me feel so old), and I was painfully unpopular. Like such a nerd that other nerds made fun of me. Anyway, all the popular girls had long, permed hair because this was 1990 and we thought that looked good. So I'm in a mall one day and I saw a kiosk where a lady was selling Weekend Hair - it attached to the head via banana clip so you had to wear it as a ponytail. Just so happened she had my hair color and so I bought one. I was sure it was going to solve all my popularity issues....

Not so much. Turns out punk middle schoolers think it's weird when you roll in one day with an ass-length pony tail after having had barely shoulder-length hair all year. I was practically given a swirlie over my Weekend Hair.

All this to say, I am so glad you got to have sex with Weekend Hair on. It makes me happy to know that some other girl with fine hair was able to fulfill her dreams with Weekend Hair - my 6th grade self salutes you!

Margo said...

We all have our own little peccadillos, but you seem to find a way to make the everyday seem extraordinarily hilarious. You should TOTALLY write a book/ graphic novel/ magazine column etc.

maggie said...

have you seen this???

http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/doc/etc/1564112494.html

everytime i'm looking for a job and this pops up, i literally have to fight the urge to respond "YES and PLEASE!" $35,000 to give away things i don't want?? and then when i tell my friends/mom, i'm promptly beaten down…

maybe this can be plan c?

Daniel said...

This is getting dark.

jessie said...

where can i get more of this "arj and poopy"????

James Robert said...

You're insanely creative, I love it.

"when I woke up the next morning she was covered in Miller Lite knots, body fluids, broken dreams and god knows what else."

I'd be lying if I said I haven't been there. It's a dark place.

Anonymous said...

make this blog into a graphic novel.
call it a little bit aspie and a little bit rock and roll

Alex said...

OK obviously I love this idea but WHAT ever happened to your Drunken Monument Tour dreams!? Because honestly I was really looking forward to it?! So can you maybeee pursue both Drunken Tour Guide AND Graphic Novelist careers? Likee perhaps Graphic Novelist by day, Drunken Tour Guide by night? Think about it.

Sarah P said...

Pregnancy is pretty much the best Plan B ever.

He won't marry you?
Get pregnant!

Not going to be a Rhodes Scholar?
Get pregnant!

Failing junior college pre-calc?
Get pregnant!

Tessa said...

i will totally illustrate that for you.

Grant said...

You had sex under a beer pong table? I guess you can take the girl out of Maryland, but you can't take the Maryland out of the girl...

MadVet said...

The sad thing is if you write a "Dr Rubenesque" book there are undoubtedly some people that will take you seriously and actually FOLLOW your advised. I would totally do it just to see what happens...

LP said...

Coming soon to a bakery near you...

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=38663155

Anonymous said...

I fucking need some weekend hair.

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Autumn said...

this is totally off topic buuuuuutttt with the mention of jersey shore i think you NEED to see this.

yes? no?


http://www.babelgum.com/4022027/kids-reenact-mtvs-hit-series-jersey-shore.html

theres a good chance that i am following along with the whole "things that are only funny to me" trend.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I HAVE HOPES THAT THE DRUNKEN TOURS WILL ONE DAY HAPPEN! FOR REALZ!

You had sex under a beer pong table? I guess you can take the girl out of Maryland, but you can't take the Maryland out of the girl...
I read that in a meeting and literally laughed-out-loud. Truer words were never spoken, Grant.

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Lisa said...

I just spent 5 minutes trying to see if a paperclip would stick to the magnet on my lap top. thank you meg

~B said...

Babillion, is my new favorite number.

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