1.22.2010

This used to be my playground.

EMOTIONS, YOU GUYS. Emotions. I got a lot of them. Which is a completely new and foreign concept to me. Normally I'm so hopped up on anti-depressants and mood stabilizers you could break up with me on the JumboTron at Madison Square Garden and I'd be like "Meh, that's fair" and go back my crossword puzzle without batting an eye, but this week everything is making me emotional. For so many reasons:

1.) Oh, you know, I got the fear of Christ put in me when I thought I was getting fired. My bosses never had that TALK with me yesterday, by the way. It was so anti-climactic. They were in meetings all day and every time they'd come out, I'd tense up and prepare for the Dynasty-style cat fight that never came. (And this has nothing to do with anything, but remember last August
when I said I wanted to bring back Dynasty inspired nude pumps? Well according to Piperlime they're the hottest thing since sliced J-Woww. And WTF? This is like the time in 10th grade when I wore a long, powder blue sweater coat to the homecoming football game and everyone shamelessly made fun of me because it "looked like I was wearing a bath robe" and then six months later you couldn't swing a dead cat without hittin' a bitch wearing one. Looking back, they might have been making fun of me because it was powder blue, but still! If stick pins and narwhals blow up, Imma be rull pissed. But in the mean time, sexy can I?:

August's mission: accomplished. Crystal Carrington would be proud. Those puppies are just neutral and bland enough to match any flashy pattered shirt dress appropriate for lunch at the St. Dennis club.)

Anyways, what was I talking about before that obnoxiously cocky little fashion rant? Oh, yes my obnoxiously dramatic little emotions. (God you want to have sex with me.) So I'm not fired, but this entire ordeal has sent me into this huge tailspin about the direction of my life and what I should be doing with it right now. Which I completely don't appreciate. I feel like last summer (when I wasn't busy predicting Spring '10 shoe trends) I was having the same freak out but managed to cool my jets for a while. Now after this week, I'm feeling all Antwerpy again and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing and I just want to run away, learn Dutch and not have to make a decision ever again ever. But not in that order. Logistically speaking, it would probably make more sense to learn Dutch first. Unless it's hard. Which I hear it is. In which case I plan on getting by with my big boobs and American Canadian sass.

2.) The Jersey Shore ended last night. And it was the WORST. EPISODE. EVER. I honestly don't even know if it's worth recapping. It felt like one of those Golden Girls midnight clip shows where the girls pour into the kitchen one by one ("Sophia! You can't sleep either?"), break out the cheesecake and reminisce about all of the shitty men they've dated. Except last night's episode was
90% less interesting and 100% more redundant. I expected more from you, Jersey Shore, I really did. I'm not mad at you, I'm just dissapointed. Now go to your room without dinner or a recap and think about what you did. (Lolz. Just kidding. I'll half ass a recap later.)

3.) I am slightly weirded out by my own emotions regarding tonight being Conan O'Brien's last Tonight Show. I'm just taking the situation entirely too hard for someone not related to Conan or one of his staff. I don't really know what else to say besides I just really love him. He's a bit of a hero of mine and I've been watching his show since the (somewhat turbulent) beginning of Late Night. Teresa and I used to have sleepovers every Friday night and get hopped up on Pepsi and pixie sticks so we could stay up until 12:30 and watch. Because even at the somewhat innapropriate age of eight years old, we still knew that man was the tits. I have also spent many a restless and anxious night in middle and high school falling asleep to Late Night and I took extreme comfort knowing that Conan, my little self-deprecating electric blanket, was always there to comfort me. In 2003, the Late Night tickets we requested finally arrived and Teresa and I were fully prepared to skip the first day of our senior year of high school to drive to New York and see a taping. We even had the bright idea of making t-shirts that said "Bonin' 4 Conan" to wear in the audience. Unfortunately, not only were our tickets for the first day of school, they also overlapped with some Republican convention that had recieved numerous bomb threats, and in a very post 9/11 New York, this hadn't become old hat yet. In the end we (and by we, I mean our parents) decided that two 17 year-old girls probably shouldn't drive into New York City alone with t-shirts ensinuating we hooked our way there when terrorists and Republicans are running around wild. Looking back, I just have this to say: pussies. We should have gone. T-shirts and all. Because now we'll never get the chance again and it fucking breaks my heart. Seriously, everytime I think about tonight being the last show my throat closes and my eyes well up with tears; a fact so disturbingly embarassing, I'm not quite sure what to do about it. My plan for tonight is this: meet Helena and Alex at Little Miss Whiskey's after work -> drink to the point of being good and emotionally drunk, but not sloppy. "Wedding Toast Drunk," if you will. -> Go to Andrew's apartment with eye makeup remover and a box of tissues -> Watch the show and cry. And cry and cry. Overall, pretty par for the course for a Friday night in the world of Meghan McBlogger.

But even on sad, sad days like this, there's always something to be grateful for. And today, I'm grateful for our last Jersey Shore recap. But, of course, mostly...I'm grateful it's T.G.I. Hagman.


As of 1:38pm on January 22, Larry Hagman is...alive! Thank god for small favors.

And now, our final Jersey Shore recap Episode 9: That's How The Shore Goes. (Sticking to last week's resolution, Laura and Andrew joined me as my spotters this week and I felt 100% better having them there. Also, per my notes, Andrew looked "amazing" last night and I need to apologize to Laura for physically assaulting her when I got overly emotional at the thought of Snooki and The Situation falling in love. We seriously had to put a pillow on her thigh because I couldn't stop slapping it when I got emotional. Completely normal things that happen in a friendship.)

So! As we recall from last week, Ronnie got arrested for punching some schmo in the face with his mighty crab claw and scuttling away and back into the sea. (How many hits does it take to the get to the center of a Guido Pop? JUST ONE HIT BRO, JUST ONE HIT!) Unfortunately for Ronnie, he can't get bailed out of jail until 6:30 the next morning, which means he has to spend a brutal three hours in Ocean County jail, which I imagine to be something like Beach Blanket Bingo except gayer. Which is neither here nor there. The next morning the Sammi begrudgingly hauls her ass out of bed and goes to pick up Ronnie from the clink. They have an emotional reunion because, you know, this is the first time she's had to sleep alone without Ronnie by her side since getting there. 27 days ago. And Haiti thought they had it rough...Overall I'm impressed with Ronnie's post-jail look. His faux-hawk is still perfectly in place, he looks well-rested and doesn't even need to take a shower. Whereas I come home from sitting on my ass watching Hulu at work all day and look like I've just pulled a truck eight miles with my teeth in the hot sun. So, well played Ronald. Well played.

It being Labor Day weekend, the gang wants to go out with a big bang. Which is a great idea, except they all stink like AIDS and nobody will touch 'em with a 10-foot pole. Sucks. I'd say the only interesting part of this episode was when Snooki has a very B. Spears-esque emotional breakdown after being blown off by Cowboy O'Hoolihan and her ex-boyfriend, whom she's still in love with, in the same day. The ex-boyfriend thing was rough, I'm not going to lie. She sees him on a balcony, blows him a kiss and he flat-out looks down and says, "No." Snookers can not catch a break. At a certain point, you just gotta assume that god must just really hate that girl. (Am I right or am I right??) Snooki then does what I think we'd all do in that situation and freak-dances by herself on the boardwalk, attracting the likes of old men, skeptical grandmas, hobos and drifters. It was like Intervention: The Dance Remix and I was in no way mad. Shockingly, when this doesn't make her feel any better, she goes home to cry on the roof like some kind of emo blogger, where The Situation gives her a nice little pep talk.

That night the boys go to the boardwalk to play arcade games, which I mention only because Andrew, feeling inspired, decided that his new pick up line from now on is going to be "Wanna play with my skee balls?" and I feel like that's worth mentioning. After that, the boys go home and decide to stay in for the night and cheer up old Snooks. (A gesture that is so touching I punch Laura in the face and stab her in the kidney. At this point I also drunkenly shouted, "I LOVE YOU GUYS!" to which Andrew asked, "Are you talking to us or the TV show?" and I genuinely didn't know the answer.)

The gang then reminisces about the past "summer" (read: past 27 days) for the next 30 minutes and it's boring as fuck all because they each just repeat the same thing over and over again in 90 different ways. It was the most bizarre thing. Thank god The Situation and Snooki make out in the hot tub for a few minutes and break up the RemFest. Which can be summarized as:

- I can't believe this is our last night.
- It was a crazy summer.
- I don't regret anything.
- I didn't expect to fall in love at the Jersey Shore.
- I hope we stay friends.
- We are like a family.
- I can't believe we made it.
- We did it.
- We made it through it.
- We did it without not not making it through it.
- Man, I got so much pussy.
- Remember when part of the plot was we had to work at the boardwalk?
- No.
- Me neither.
- I like summer.
- We should do this next year.
- Ok, see you then. And at promo work. And paid appearances. And in the real world.
- Ok, bye.
- Bye.

Our season ends with The Situation standing on the roof, wistfully looking out across the boardwalk as he dramatically raises his arms in the air like a prize fighter and proclaims, "I DID IT!"

...Did what, asshole? You just got paid to party at the beach for a few weeks; you didn't survive 'Nam. Maybe be a little less dramatic next time, [scoff] am I right? Aaaaaaaaand with that, I'm going to go watch Late Night clips on youtube and cry hysterically into an Italian flag because good television as we know it is over and thus life is not worth living. I leave you with one of my favorite Late Night sketches of all time. It's been a pleasure to recap the J.S. for you, thanks for dealing with my drama this week, have a great weekend and we'll see you back here on the blog Monday morning. Buh-bye.


35 comments:

LP said...

Glad to know you're not fired, but good luck with that existential crisis thing. GTs.

Now for our friends at Seaside, what about the reunion? Priceless?

Anonymous said...

The first thing I did when I turned on my computer this morning was pull up your blog to check on your employment status.

And now I think we need to start a "Meg Job Watch" website:

www.employedorfired.com

Anonymous said...

I actually stayed up the extra hour and watched the reunion - priceless.

Not only was snooks dancing by herslef she was also talking seemingly to no one (although I guess there IS a camera crew there but seeing as they probably are under contract not to talk back) I was worried she might shave her head and then attack a tourist with an umbrella.

~B said...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/01/14/little-jersey-shore-kids_n_423281.html you may or may not love this.

Anonymous said...

I will always go bonin for conan!
-Teresa

mary said...

i went to a taping of late night once. ben stiller was a guest, conan did his string dance and said 'keep cool my babies'

no day has ever compared.

Rachel said...

they kept talking about how they made it and they did it. seriously. is spending your summer getting filmed by mtv at the beach an accomplishment? i'm not impressed.

Ros said...

http://www.hornymanatee.com

And I've been getting equally upset while watching the show these past weeks, while trying to ignore the fact that I'm not as emotionally caught up in the Haitian crisis.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Now for our friends at Seaside, what about the reunion? Priceless?
That shit was awkward and Ronnie got THICK AND PRECIOUS.

www.employedorfired.com
HAH! I'd check that every morning too...given the track record of communication with my bosses...

I will always go bonin for conan!
-Teresa

I'm probably going to call you crying tonight. You should probably be aware of this now.

i went to a taping of late night once. ben stiller was a guest, conan did his string dance and said 'keep cool my babies'

no day has ever compared.

I can't. Tears. I just can't.

Anonymous said...

is it wrong that i actually went to www.employedorfired.com and expected to actually see a fully functioning site?

also I too keep having emotional breakdowns on the phone with my mother because i'm sure my life is going nowhere so I'm right there with you sista.

Hails said...

I actually RAN (yes, like running, not walking) home from a restaurant last night, while pretty damn tipsy, because I HAD to be home on time for Conan.
If triumph the insult comic dog is not on tonights episode, I may just throw a fit.

Brian said...

I've never been a HUGE follower of the late-night talk shows, but I always had a preference for Conan. It wasn't appointment viewing, but if I came across the show, I always watched him.

But because of this nonsense, I have made it a point to watch the Tonight Show this week, and I'll follow Conan wherever he goes in September.

I'm with Coco.

Chrissie said...

"Overall I'm impressed with Ronnie's post-jail look. His faux-hawk is still perfectly in place, he looks well-rested and doesn't even need to take a shower. Whereas I come home from sitting on my ass watching Hulu at work all day and look like I've just pulled a truck eight miles with my teeth in the hot sun. So, well played Ronald. Well played."

Um...I also sit at a computer all day and the only strenuous work I do is answer phones, walk to the bathroom, walk back, and OCCASIONALLY walk to the printer and back, and I always look like I've been working with violent pre-schoolers when I get home.

Anonymous said...

You're not alone on the Conan front. I have been ridiculously depressed about Conan leaving the TV because for almost as long as I have watched late night TV, he's been on. I have like, a visceral hate for NBC and Leno right now and I'm pretty sure it's unhealthy but I'm pretty sure I'm too mad to care. So don't feel weird about being sad...I'm definitely gonna shed some tears tonight.

Also, I love this blog. I just found it a few weeks ago and, crazy internet stalker that I am, have read the whole thing. You = funny.

heather said...

Glad to hear you're still employed and I fully support the creation of a www.employedorfired.com because I kept checking your Twitter/blog for an update.

Also? You might want to learn to spell Canadian right if you want to impersonate us. Sorry. (you should also learn to apologize for things that don't really require an apology)

Hope Conan's last show is all you want it to be and more...

Margo said...

This blog and puppy cam are the only 2 things I look forward to when coming to work. Sad? Maybe. True? Definitely.

Anonymous said...

haha, i'm glad to see i'm not the only one who went to www.employedorfired.com and expected a real site. I was literally checking your twitter updates religously the past two days to find out what was going on.

Tony B. said...

I was disappointed that Vinnie's counter-prank was putting a shirt on a stuffed bulldog that said "The Situation's #1 Girl."

Vinnie literally had to tell "The Situation" that this was his way of pranking Mike back. His lame prank was a microcosm of the entire lame final episode.

A better prank would be Vinnie popping out of his room naked followed by "The Situation's" sister to surprise Mike.

RMB said...

Firstly, you are a trooper. I think we've all been in those terrible jobs where we're in the battle of money vs. sanity. So I say running away to Antwerp isn't a bad idea. I'm not saying I know offhand how easy it is to get a visa and live/work there for a year or so, but I did it for Australia. After panic attacks of wondering wtf I'm doing and a lot of debt, it still was the better choice of staying at a job that I hated with all my heart. Basically I hope it works out for you, whatever you end up doing!

pattypunker said...

i shaw feel all outta sorts when i looks at shoes like dat miss meg.

Amanda B said...

The entire show was overly dramatic. After Snookie got hit the first time(Hasn't she been hit like 3 or 4 times?) everyone acted like the guy that hit her just raped her. It seemed like a soap opera from the start.

Suz said...

I've had the same nude pumps sense 2003 and still wear them when I'm feeling frisky. Anne Klein baby!

James Robert said...

Please tell me that when the "whole situation victory realization stance atop a roof happened there was some lame soft indy rock song playing. I bet a year's salary on it.

Anonymous said...

Conan's last show was amazing. I was also very emotional about it, and cried through his speech and Freebird. He's the fucking man.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Repeat these words to yourself: "This too shall pass." and drink a lots of water. Sounds like you're gonna get dehydrated.

Love Conan too :)

---Niks---

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