8.20.2009

Thoughts I couldn't flesh out into full entries:

- The unreasonably nice Katie from WeLoveDC did an interview with me that is available here. I emailed it to my dad under the subject line: BE PROUD OF YOUR DAUGHTER. Instead of being proud, this happened:

From: Dad
To: Me
do you really think that Bret Michaels is anything but disgustingly sleazy?

From: Me
To: Dad
I think that Bret Michaels is an innovator who's donated thousands of dollars to juvenile diabetes (pronounced: die-uh-beet-us) charities around the world. What have you done lately?

From: Dad
To: Me
I'll tell you what I haven't done. Hung out with a bunch of skanky redneck chicks who have such frog belly low self-esteem that they would hook themselves to a has-been third tier rock star (the rock version of Screech) for a chance to be on a really, really, really bad reality show.

Wait, that actually doesn't sound all that bad.


I stopped responding after that.

- I would just like to explain the following ridiculousness that just transpired: Our company has a new product that I need to order a bunch of brochures for to give to our sales people. Normally when I need something, I email Pat in the Mail Room and he (she? he-she? What's that? It's Pat!) fills my order (that's what he/she/he-she said) and sends it to me. Yesterday I got a snippy little email from Pat being like, "In the future can you please use our website for literature requests? That's what it was made for." A little snippy, yes, but blokay, I can handle that. I went on our website this morning and submitted my order, per Pat's request. A window popped up that said, "Thank you for your request, a sales representative will be contacting you shortly." Then, not 5 minutes ago, Boss #1 called from the road to say she was forwarding me an email from someone in our area who's requested literature and could I fill it? I said yes. She then proceeded to forward me my own literature request that I sent earlier in the morning. For me to fill. For myself. With the literature that I don't have. Which is why I requested it in the first place. So, Pat, that is why I prefer to email you directly instead of using with the website, you gender-ambiguous A-fuck.

- During one of my recent anxiety induced bouts of insomnia, I googled "I can't sleep," because I trust two things in this world: Google and _____ for Dummies books. The first result was an article entitled "Can't Sleep? 15 Tips You Can Try for Insomnia." Tip #7 is:
    7. Don't count sheep if you find that counting is stimulating for you.
That's like the fucking funniest sentence in the entire world to me. Because it was awfully considerate of them to include a tip that only applies to The Count from Sesame Street, a fictional puppet-based character.

- Ever since I failed to find my quest to find a pair of adequately Dynasty-esque nude-colored pumps to revive, I've moved on to stick pins. I don't know why I chose stick pins, I just know they're back and bigger than ever (in my mind and my mind only.) I won three on ebay last week and they arrived at my door Friday afternoon. In a moment of sheer excitement, I (alone in my apartment) unpacked them from their box and sang (out loud and to the tune of Justin Timberlake's SexyBack): "I'm bringin' stick pins back! Yeah! You other accessories don't know how to act! Yeah! Get your stick pins on get your stick pins on!" Immediately after that, the pendent on my favorite one broke off and rolled under the refrigerator. I'd like to think that's god's way of gently telling me to stop being such a douche bag.

23 comments:

Ushma said...

Douchebag? You? Never...

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

HAH. Ushma, you are consistently too nice to me.

Sean said...

This is embarrassing, but I can't count sheep because it's stimulating (HA). I start imagining the sheep getting into all kinds of shenanigans and then I want to see how the shenanigans turn out. I want to see if the bad-boy sheep ends up with the nice sheep girl and if they all learn a valuable life lesson at the end from an older, wiser sheep.

I should stop writing.

Eleanor said...

I've been reading your blog for a little bit, and I thought I'd tell you (finally) how much I enjoy it! This entry especially.

God tells me to stop being a douchebag a lot, too.

rachel said...

I can totally hear your dad in that conversation. so witty! your parents are both so funny.

The Kuh said...

I think you must have the coolest dad ever.

James said...

I feel like charmingly awkward and douchebag go hand in hand. I think you're fucked there.

Katie said...

What in the world are stickpins?

I'm embarrassed because this is probably something I should already know. But I don't.

Caitlin said...

Please tell me you forwarded gender-ambiguous a-fuck Pat the email string with your order with a snippy message about how efficient the website is. And closed it with a smiley.

Duende said...

Counting IS stimulating! Behold:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-Wd-Q3F8KM

I nearly wet myself the first time I saw this.

Juan Don said...

It's time for androgyny!

Do you think Pat has a significant other named Chris?

Lollerz!

Caroline said...

Meg, your song rocked! Ignore God and just buy some super glue. That's why he made it!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

1.) I would read a short story about love-torn sheep if it were written by Sean.

2.) Thank you Elanor!

3.) My parents are ok, I guess.

4.) Stick pin:
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_29pWoEMBNCY/Skkb2Ke96lI/AAAAAAAAKC4/cpUvpFnkOlI/s400/pin-stickinitialM.jpg

5.) Caitlin- You bet your balls I did.

6.) Duende - That just ruined my childhood.

And finally, the top of the stick pin is now under the fridge somewhere. Gone forever. Fuck me.

Casey said...

I, too, am clueless about these so-called stick pins. I saw the photo you posted, but I still have no idea what you do with it??? I just keep thinking it's something my mom would stick in her little tomato-shaped pin.... sticker (??) that she uses for sewing.

Do you pin it to your shirt, and then there's a little "M" magically floating on you?????

Maria said...

Like Sean, I also find counting stimulating, but it's for a different (maybe more?) embarrassing reason. I specifically remember when I was around 5 or so and trying to sleep, and I was counting and counting and counting those goddamn sheep, and I got so enthralled with just counting that it had the opposite effect. I haven't tried it since but I have a feeling I might still get so wrapped up in seeing how high I can count that I wouldn't be able to sleep.

Elliot said...

I was about to post the exact same link as Duende. So instead I'll contribute by telling you to click the various related links on that Youtube page, since there are some really great other censored Sesame Street videos.

Including Patrick Stewart telling the number 1 (like an anthropomorphic version of the number; arms and legs and googly eyes) to stop moving around so that Elmo can [bleep] it.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I fucking suck. Confusing people is no way to start a trend. Here:

Stick Pin:

1. a long, straight pin with a jeweled or decorated head, worn to hold a cravat or necktie in place
2. such a pin now often worn by women, as on the lapel of a jacket as an ornament

Cady said...

Stick pins totally remind me of sorority.

Casey said...

A-ha, thank you. I am now totally on board with the stick pins. Consider your trend started.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

YESSSSSSSSS!

True story: my college roommate gave me her sorority stick pin. CHI OMEGA FOR LIFE BITCHEZZZZ!

brynn rovito said...

dying! other accessories DO NOT know how to act right.

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