8.31.2009

TALOL: Ren Fest Edition

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OK. I need to tell you something. I can do this. Just do it like a band-aid Meg, just do it like a band-aid...Here we go...I went to The Maryland Renaissance Festival over the weekend. WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! DON'T GO! Here me out:

 
a.) I didn't go in costume. (Obviously.)
b.) It was Becca's idea. And my sister could be like, "I'm going to skip stones down by the river" and I'd be all, "COOL!!!!! CAN I COME?!?!" Although she didn't really have to spend much time convincing me to go. She had me at "whimsical hair braiding."
c.) Delicious fried foods on sticks.
d.) Endless beer.
e.) There was a two-headed turtle freak show. I mean. Please.
f.) It was the Olympic Games of people watching. A visual all-you-can-eat buffet of sexually active Theater Geeks and weirdos! To which I say, yes and please!

I would be a whore and a liar if I said it wasn't awesome. Maybe the best part of my entire Summer. Yeah, I know, strong statement. But I mean, honestly! It was a free pass to get drunk at 10 o'clock in the morning and observe Meeks in their natural habitat! And they were corseted and chain-mailed Meeks, none-the-less! I had a digital camera, a liver full of Sam Adams Oktoberfest and zero inhibitions. It. Was. Awesome.

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A FURRY! I couldn't even contain my excitement.


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(That's what she said.)


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Raver Furry. He had "pierced ears" and punk pants. I just...I can't.

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Screw Gym-Crush Kyle. This is my new imaginary boyfriend.

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At ye olde Cod-Piecery.

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It must suck to work on your dragon costume all year and then show up on opening day in 95-degree weather with no breeze and immediately regret that decision.

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I didn't know they had Real Dolls in the Renaissance...

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I kind of hope I get reincarnated into the wench who gets to spend the end of her summer wandering around Ren Fest shouting, "SWEET NUTS! WHO WANTS A TASTE OF MY SWEET NUTS?!"

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Heaving bosoms you guys. Heaving bosoms and bees all over the fuckin' place.

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What is it with Meeks and leather horse art?

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A beeswax candle of a dolphin. Because of course it is.

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TWO TURTLES IN ONE?! The only thing that could be cuter is if they both raped a shoe.

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Seriously...cod pieces and heaving bosoms as far as the eye could see.

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Mmm...Oktoberfest, fried foods and Meek-hunting.
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Uh, HBO Real Sex on Pony Play anyone?!

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"THE KING IS AT O'SHUCK'S!!!" - Becca

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I was peer-pressured into buying red nymph ears. Here they are. I don't know. In my defense when I bought these I had reached a point where body was comprised of equal parts beer to sweat and I probably would have done anything anyone told me to do. Plus they opened the door to endless "is the maiden horny??" jokes from gentle sirs passing by.

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Faire ye well, indeed.

...Don't judge me.

38 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow! Ok. (Please post an update on the GQ cockroach situation.) :)

Grant said...

Oh the good old(e) Maryland Renaissance Festival. It always seems like a good idea, and then it really isn't, but it is again for different reasons. I can't say I miss it, but if I still lived in Maryland and someone suggested we go, I probably would.

Warren said...

So, I totally attended my first Ren Faire this weekend as well, and it was infested with tails and furries galore, which was totally LOLZ but at the same time so effing random. I think the meeks just enjoy having an opportunity to exhibit their odd interests in public, so the Ren Faire is just a free for all of furries, Dungeons & Dragons, and Jedis. Maybe I'll dress as a Japanese geisha for the St. Patrick's Day parade next year, just to see what it's like.

tralalara said...

i'm having a nightmare right now about the life-sized doll (actually a human). thanks, meg.

Stacey said...

Brace yourself: How'd You Get So Rich on TV Land Prime Wed night... The multi-millionaire inventor of the Slanket, dude.

James said...

Fried foods are uh-mazing, but what gives? No steak on a stake?

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Uh of course we hit up steak on stake. There was a picutre!

Tony B. said...

Renaissance Festivals are played out. What we need is a pirate-cruise ship or maybe a ninja convention. On second thought, too many people thinking they're ninjas in one place may be a bad idea...

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2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

HAH! That makes me laugh and want to kill myself at the same time.

J B J said...

MD RENNFEST = PURE AWESOMENESS.

I am going on Pirates weekend and cannot wait to see the massive amounts of freaks & geeks.

Oh...and to eat fried pickles.

hellz yeah!

Heather said...

this is the exact reason i pay too much money to attend sakuracon (anime convention) and the emerald city comicon here in seattle. i've tried bringing other people, but they don't understand the value of straight-up gawking at some crazy motherfuckers.

this weekend i'm going to a gaming convention (PAX) and this post has got me super pumped for some people-gawking. THANK YOU.

emily said...

I totes hate that my work blocks all the photos. Normally I can get by on checking the blog at home once a week so I can see the pics I missed, but OMG. Since I've been to a Ren Fest before, I am now DYING to see your pictures and hate that I have to wait to get home....harumph.

Annie said...

emily-
me too girl. damn the man! gotta iphone that shiz. the pictures are ah-mazing.

Jennifer said...

Oh perfect people watching event! Awesome. Oktoberfest = the best

James said...

I apologize. Photobucket is blocked by the work filter (Internet Media Backup and Storage? Really?) so I can't see the pictures till I get home. I didn't THINK you'd pass up steak on a stake. Good work not poking out an eye. :)

Christine said...

So. Fucking. Jealous.

sugarness4 said...

My favorite REN Fest story. Was my friend Steve tried to drink with the King (He is the main guy of the ren fest) The king was with his "crew" all mid evil and in costume and Steve was in a t-shirt and jeans. The king said "No way" in a yee olde kind of way. So Steve was like "psh". On the way out the day was longer and the drinks were flowing. Steve sees the king again and yells "Look there's the King he's too good to drink with me. Fuck him" (King walks by) "WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT SPARTACUS SON?! WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT SPARTACUS!?"

maggie said...

wait what? why are furries drawn to the renaissance fair? that is not connecting at all in my head…

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

People dress like furry animals and fuck.

Amanda B said...

When I was little, my parents used to drag me to these types of festivals. I'm pretty sure they only brought me along so that it would look like two normal parents taking their daughter for some cheap fun. But I know they would have gone without me if society didn't judge them.

Patrick said...

damn it...i just moved to Maryland and didn't know anything about this. maybe next year.

Grant said...

Patrick - it's on more than one weekend. I think it usually stays open until like October, or something. There's plenty of time.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

October 25th.

I mean, what? Pshh, I have no idea when it ends.

web designer springfield said...

So if you try to get laid at one of these things it is best that you dress in character and wear a crown....so i have heard.

Anonymous said...

true story: friend of a friend ran away to join the ren fair festival in lieu of going to college. the behind-the-scenes report back was a) lots of sex, b) lots of internal anger concerning who was having the sex, c) tents for sleeping accommodations. so lots of angry, dirty sex. on the ground. if that doesn't speak to the core of the renaissance, i don't know what does.

clb said...

Just curious which day you went...

Wendy said...

Meg, I can't help but notice your Twitter update lamenting your phone prob - use a paperclip (or the little metal tool that came with your iphone) to pop the sim card out at the top and put it back in. Mine did the same thing when I dropped it a few months ago.

Shannon said...

I was peer pressured into making several drunken purchases at the renn fest last year, and I still have no idea what to do with all the random crap I now own.

Also, I just convinced my boyfriend to go with me again this year by telling him there's a two-headed turtle. Thank you, Meg, for the inside scoop.

Sarah B said...

The one in Mass starts soon and you better believe I'm going... You don't get much better freak watching than that.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Thank you for the tip Wendy!

And CLB: I went to Ren Fest Saturday.

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