- As I've discussed before, I am painfully white. Sure I'd like to think I'm a sassy black woman on the inside and I pray to St. Dre (the patron saint of Akrite,) but technically, I am straight-up lily white. I was recently at the makeup counter in Bloomingdale's with my mom picking out a new foundation and the makeup guy asked, "what shade do you think you are?" My mom looked me up and down, laughed out loud and answered: "Oh, her shade is WHITE. Like PAPER white. [Laughs at own joke] Like just give her a bottle of White-Out and call it foundation, WHITE. [Laughs at own joke again] Like the only way to kill her is a stake through the heart, WHITE! Like—" OK, OK HE GETS IT! I'M WHITE! Jesus.
Unfortunately, I always forget how white I am and neglect to wear sunscreen, resulting in the most god awful sunburns this world has ever seen. The worst sunburn to date happened when I went to Arizona for my 18th birthday and laid out from approximately 9am-6pm one day. I was responsible and wore sunscreen everywhere but my legs. My thought process was, "Man, my legs never get tan. Ooo! I know! I won't put sunscreen on 'em and let the strong Arizona sun tan 'em to a golden brown!" Six hours later, they were a comical lobster red. I looked absolutely ridiculous and holy God was it painful. I spent the rest of the trip pantsless in my hotel room vomiting and icing my legs. On my actual birthday, I was supposed to get a hot stone massage and my sister was going to get a cooling detox wrap. The thought of someone rubbing my legs with hot stones was enough to make six layers of skin fall off. In an ironic twist of fate, my sister got an explosive case of diarrhea the morning of our spa visit and could in no way spend an hour and 15 minutes tightly wrapped on a table. We switched spa treatments and all was right with the world.
This past Sunday, I neglected to wear a stitch of sunscreen at my mimosa rooftop pool experience and SW waterfront crab feast. By the time I was coming home from the waterfront on the metro, I thought I was going to rip off my shirt and dump my bottled water all over my back and shoulders, which were en fuego. I could not get into a cold shower fast enough. As soon as I got on the elevator in my apartment, I started unbuckling my pants and unhooking my bra. The second my door closed behind me, I tore off my clothes and hurled myself into the coldest shower possible. The noises of sweet relief coming from my bathroom were perverse. I feel badly for anybody walking by my apartment at the time.
The pain from Sunday has yet to subside. I woke up yesterday morning at around 4:30am in searing pain. I got up, went to the freezer and took out a bottle of vodka from the deep freeze section. I went back to bed and fell asleep with the bottle between my back and the bed. Unfortunately in my half-conscious state, I neglected to wrap the frozen bottle in a towel first. When I sat up a few hours later to hit snooze on my alarm, the bottle of vodka came with me, as it was completely frozen to back. I essentially Supermanned myself with a bottle of vodka. So now not only is my upper back completely sunburned, it's also freezer burned. It takes a special girl.
- And just when you thought Dupont Circle couldn't get any gayer, this happened. Yep, the Real World is officially coming to DC. But am I the only one who's kind of excited about this? And I'm not excited in my usual militant pro-DC ranty and ravey kind of way, I'm excited because living in the same hood as the Real World increases my chances of having sex with a cast member exponentially. And if you told 11-year-old Meglet that one day she'll have sex with a Real World cast member, she'd probably pee her peace sign boxers shorts with excitement. And what are your early 20's for, if not making your Middle School fantasies come true?
- I would like to state something for the record: laughing after making a dick statement does not make what you just said any less of a dick statement. A smile might be the universal "hello," but a laugh is not the universal "SIKE!" I have a co-worker who always does this, and I want to kill him. The most irritating part is when I get bitchy in response his asshole statement, he's all "woooahhh, take it easy killer!" No. No I will not take it easy, killer. You just said something fucked up to me and I'm going to react in kind. I don't give a shit if you laughed directly after you said it. You still said it! Example from yesterday:
Co-worker: Do we have anymore marketing binders?
Me: Nope, Liza was in this morning and cleaned us out.
Co-worker: Well maybe instead of just sitting there you should make some more—HAHAHAHAHAHALOLZ!!!!!! :P
Me: Well, maybe you should have called and let me know you'd be coming by to get marketing binders so I don't waste both of our time.
Co-worker: Well me-ow! Watch out for Ms. Meghan today! I was just joking around with you, sheesh! HAHAHAHAH!!!!!! ;)
You wanna joke around with me? Then tell me a knock-knock joke, motherfucker. Don't be a dick to me and then act like I'm the asshole when I don't take your shit. It's a passive-aggressive move and I have no time for passive-aggressive people. If you wanna be a dick, then be a dick to me. I'm a big girl! I can take it! You don't need to soften the blow by giggling like a Japanese school girl. It's the equivalent of hitting someone in the face and then giving them a back massage. Or stabbing someone and giving them butterfly kisses on the wound. Be a man and have the decency to be an out-and-out asshole to me. Now that's something I can respect. God, I fucking hate him.
- So, I got a little more riled up about that last point than I expected to and now feel awkward leaving on that note. Damn stream of consciousness writing. Hmm...Oh! Here's something quasi light hearted for you! So I started following this porn star on Twitter because I totes respect her work, right? Wrong. Big mistake. Her Twitter has completely humanized her in a way that has ruined everything for me. I thought her tweets would be hilariously porntastic like "bangin' evan stone then hittin' up~ taco bell~!!", but mostly they're about how her brother was recently in a near-fatal motorcycle accident leaving him paralyzed and with no will to live. Now she's stuck taking care of his kids and spends everyday with him in the hospital. Awkward...It just sucks because now I can't enjoy porn without wondering how his physical therapy is going or if her nephew passed the math test she helped him study for last night. God people are selfish.
- Damnit. That wasn't light-hearted in the least. Hm. Welp! Here's the Turtle Rapes Shoe video! Have a great day!