6.09.2009

The fattest fat kid post of them all.

I would like to discuss how much I truly hate going to the gym. And I'm fully aware that blogging about one's disdain for exercise is equal on the pathetic scale to walking around wearing a sandwich board that says, "I'M A GIANT VIRGIN!" but whatevs. It's good to embrace our flaws.

Why I hate the gym:

- Sports bras are not comfortable. And guess what? I have to wear three. That's right, three. I have to triple-bag it. Because I REFUSE to be That Girl who's boobs are moving at an entirely different rate than the rest of her body. REFUSE.

- I don't pull-off gym clothes well. You know that girl in the cute pair of Soffe shorts, wearing a cute tank and only one sports bra with her hair up in a messy ponytail? Yea, that's not me. I, for lack of a better word, look like a raging bull-dyke compared to that girl.

- I don't like being warm and I don't like sweating. I realize that nobody is all, I'M SWEATING! HOLY SHIT, THIS IS AWESOME! But I still feel like it's worth mentioning. I'm like a bottle of fine white wine: best served when chilled. I keep my apartment at an offensively chilly 52-degrees at all times. Being uncomfortably cold is my definition of comfortable, so I don't get amped at the thought of spending an hour in the human sweat box that is the gym. I'd much rather sit in my igloo and workout vicariously through an episode of The Biggest Loser. It's half as effective and twice as entertaining.

- Speaking of entertaining, I get so ungodly bored at the gym. I've tried everything: listening to music, watching TV, watching a movie, talking to a friend, trying the bike with the interactive "you're cycling through the Andes!" screen thingy
nothing works! It's just an hour of me thinking, "Well, this sucks. Yep, still sucks. How much time has passed? Oh, 30 seconds. Welp, that sucks. This moment right now? Christ it sucks." I need to find a way to not be conscious of the fact that I'm working out, but still able to workout. Which means, I essentially need to roofie myself into going to the gym. That's a strong statement...

- GLANCERS. Alright, look: I'm lazy and don't have a ton of confidence in my physical abilities. This is to say, I don't like physical competition. Therefore, oh person on the machine next to me, STOP GLANCING AT MY MACHINE TO SEE WHAT LEVEL OF RESISTANCE I'M ON AND HOW MANY CALORIES I'VE BURNED! Here's the answer to both questions: a lot lower than you and a lot less than you. At any given minute of "our" workout, that's what's going on. You're winning. You people stress me out beyond belief. I have the strength and stamina of a sea lion and yet after working out for five minutes next to you people, I'm running at a 7.5 level on a 45-degree incline. You can casually glance at me while I'm going into cardiac arrest. Asshole.

- I have no time for people with eating disorders. Is that statement slightly insensitive? Yes. Is it still true? Yes. You have me over for dinner and serve a teaspoon of brown rice and make me feel like the fat kid when you can't finish yours. Then I have to remind myself that you're the weirdo, not me. And it feels like every time I go to the gym, I'm sandwiched between a Glancer and the gym's Token Anorexic/Over-Exerciser Chick. You know who I'm talking about. She's at your gym too. She's always just a little too skinny and working out a little too hard. And has been for the past four hours. And is always at the gym when you are, no matter what time of day you go. I was working out last week next to this skeletor who was loudly moaning and gasping for air she was cycling so hard. I'm all for pushing yourself and feeling the burn, but this was just some straight-up after school special health class movie-shit. I couldn't stop thinking, if she were to have a heart attack and collapse right now, would I give her mouth-to-mouth or gracefully bow out and assume somebody else will handle it? Although kudos to her, because weighing those pros and cons was a nice distraction from thinking about how much this sucked.

- I hate running. And I hate that I hate running. I have runner-envy. Runners just seem like superior people and I wish I could join their ranks. Unfortunately the fervor with which I despise running is impressive. I would rather write 30 cover letters than than run for 30 minutes. (Yea, that much.) I hate when you're out in a big group and two people realize they're both runners and start to talk runner-talk and share their stats and shit. I polished off a Stromboli yesterday, anybody wanna talk about that? My sister is a runner and one of my favorite past times is to cruelly diminish her running achievements. I like referring to her 10Ks as "turkey-trots," and her half-marathons as "fun-runs." Nothing levels the playing field like, "Oh yea! Your turkey trot is coming up! I should go for a jog sometime too..." It's cruel and obviously comes from a place of pure jealousy, but good lord it cracks me up!

Bitching and moaning aside, it's time to get in shape and start going to the gym regularly. It's gotten to the point where I wouldn't even hook up with myself, and I already know what a great personality I have. My problem is I lack motivation and discipline. I hate when people tell me, "but you feel so good after you go to the gym!" Because, I don't. I feel disgruntled and sweaty after I go to the gym. And all I can think about is how I have to do that all over again in less than 24 hours. And that depresses me. BUT NO MORE! From here on out, I am instituting Operation Oh Hey, Fat Ass
Go to the Gym! (OOHFA—G2G!) Here's my plan: I get off my fat ass and actually go to the gym. Genius, right? OK, now I need to find motivation. Now motivate me. GO!

49 comments:

The Girl said...

Try visiting this site: www.344pounds.com - The guy has lost 88 pounds so far and his goal is to lose 100. Pretty awesome.

la fille danse said...

I've given up on the gym and just do Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred (played on my laptop) while watching I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here on my tv.

liferehab said...

I'm a fattie too. I hate running. I'd rather be cold. The gym is boring. And gym clothes add about 80 lbs. I say we just go find an island where it's good to be fat and drink a lot. Every day can be drinking game Friday. You have to take as many shots as you weigh... it'll be good to be fat.

Lydia said...

I'm the exact same way. I hate running, and I have to actively try to distract myself from how miserable I am.
The best solution I've found is dance classes... Specificallly, pole dancing classes. They are an awesome workout but you don't realize you're working out. Plus you feel sexy, and maybe one day the skills will come in handy- this is a recession.

Anna said...

"you feel great after you work out" that is a BLATANT lie and we both know it! i feel like ish! im sweaty, i smell, my face is all red and i resemble elmo, im hungry and thirsty as hell! how does that equate to "feeling great". HOW?

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Good points. All good points brought to the table.

Equally irritating is when people recommend you work out if you're depressed because it releases endorphins. I feel equally depressed after I'm done working out, ah-thank-you-very-much. I'm just hotter and redder.

God I'm irritating myself. I should just shut up and go to the gym. First I'm going to watch Ghost World at work and read the newspaper. THEN I'll go to the gym. Am I still typing?

Mike said...

Meg, Meg, 2x4, can't fit through the kitchen door!

Don't go to the gym, fatass! Summer's starting, and you live in DC. There are some beautiful places to run (or walk or bike or stair climb) in DC. And I don't know if it's universal, but when I'm running outside, I'm not judging anyone...I'm just wishing I could be the fit people that are cruising past me. But when I'm in the gym, I'm judging the shit out of EVERYONE (even though I'm one of those demotivating guys who's a good runner, but still chubby). Hey muscles, nice tank top and tats. Hey lard ass, why are you bothering being on the treadmill when you won't push it above 2? Hey you...you stink. Hey you, get off the phone. Hey guys, no more anal in the steam room.

At the gym, unless your Average McNormal, you're probably being judged by everyone there in one way or another, because what else is there to do? You're remaining in the same physical space 95% of the time - of course people will gawk. When you're outside, you see other people for like 2 seconds, either because you're flying by them (ha!) or being left in their dust. If you happen to be close to someone for more than 2 minutes, then hey, they're just like you. So fatass, go outside. Quit being so fat, already. Just remember the sunscreen...in time, you won't need to buy so much of it to cover your enormous body.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

But it's so hot outside. Have you been out today? You could cut the air with a plastic knife.

Mike said...

Oh...right. Well, then I think you need one of those hats with a fan built into the brim. Then you'll be popular, to be followed shortly by lean and sexy, rather than the other way around.
Or, when you're visiting NYC next and happen past Chinatown, buy yourself a tapeworm that comes free with every creepy hanging pig or chicken, and you're on your way to a beach body in no time.

Tine said...

I decided on a pretty spring day a few months ago to go for a run outside. BAD idea. Yes, people only stare at you for a few seconds, but there are so many more people who can stare! Clearly the best idea is to inhabit my own island where no one is there to judge. Oh, and I like the pole dancing idea. There's this ad that plays all the time on MTV that looks fun... I think it's called Flirty Girl Fitness.

Brady said...

I feel your pain with the sports bras, friend. I've been wearing 2 sports bras since middle school. And I got a reduction after high school, and still wear two. It's just something that has to happen for some of us. And sometimes when I'm too lazy to change out of my two sports bras after the gym and leave them on for too long I end up having trouble breathing because they're basically suffocating me. Awesome.

I also hate sweating, but I actually don't mind it when I'm working out. But sweating when you're NOT doing a physical activity is the WORST. Cold apartments are the best. All the better to cuddle up in sweats and a blanket. I'd seriously rather die than have an apartment with out air conditioning. Going into sophomore year of college I had a choice between a truly gigantic dorm room without air conditioning or one of the smallest rooms on campus with air conditioning. Guess which one I chose? Bunk beds for this girl. Heyo.

But yeah, since I started working late (until anywhere between 7:30 and 10) I just have excused myself from working out. I've gone running maybe 3 times since November, and have not stepped foot inside an actual gym at all since then. Even though I'm like sickly obsessed with food I finally reached the point where I'd rather just eat less than actually work out.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Oh I'm two steps ahead of you: I've already considered the tape worm but have abandoned it to instead be put into a dietary coma. I take a two month nap and wake up looking heroin chic. Yea and please.

I enjoy your brand of tough love, by the way. Inspirational quotes don't do shit for me. Call me a fat slut and now we're gettin' somewhere.

ineedkisses247 said...

Did I write this? Because seriously, I feel the exact same way. And all of my friends are those runner (or biker -- just as bad)types who are constantly comparing their stats over lunch and I'm like "Um, are you gonna finish that sandwich?"

Good luck!

ineedkisses247 said...

P.S. my boyfriend is convinced i am a non-jewish, less busty version of you after reading that post.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

<3

Loretta said...

I also hate that I hate running. I've tried repeatedly to make myself like it. I still hate it.

Laura said...

Trashy romance novels on the elliptical! It makes the time fly! Will you be judged? Without a doubt. Will you go very fast? Probably not but at least it's something. Will you be entertained? Yes. Will you be a better person? Nope, it's complete fluff. Will you be motivated by Brock running his strong hands over Susan's firm but smooth abs? You tell me.

telisa said...

From one big-breasted girl to another:
Try the Frog Bra from Title Nine-No Bounce EVER!-it's even in the name! You can't go wrong and if motivation to buy new clothes doesn't work. I'm not sure what will.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Romance novels are a good idea, but I get motion sick when I try to work out and read at the same time. Ugh, God I'm so painfully lame.

I wish I could watch porn on the elliptical. Just watchin' porn in my frog bra, breakin' a sweat.

Mike said...

We wouldn't expect a lazy Dynasty watching boozer like yourself to be much of a reader, anyways. Get romance books on tape, or just download porn onto a video iPod (or just porn mp3s, if they exist). Even if you can't watch it without embarrassment, just flip it over and listen. (Just be sure not to rip the cord out, making it go on speaker. It would be slightly worse than giving away your love for Dr Dre) And make sure the porn your listening to is fat fetish porn. That way, you'll be more entertained when they say, "Choke on that greasy cock, you fucking fat pig," you'll be entertained, and motivated away from ever having to experience such pillow talk.

Anonymous said...

meg, i'm starting to think mike has a crush on you, despite your non-gym going, out-of-shape physique.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I think I'm in love with you.

Maile said...

I'm so glad I'm not alone in the having to wear three sports bras department. I hate running, strongly dislike sweating, and, more than anything, despise it when hair sheds and then sticks to you because you're sweating so much.

Anonymous said...

Hey! I started going to the gym 5 times a week in May, and even though I don't love it, its a part of my routine now. I've lost 20 pounds (diet from Feb-May and Gym from May-present). And its the results that keep me going back for more.

Don't run-- either walk or bike. I get on the bike/treadmill at the beginning of a Law & Order episode, and I don't get off until I see the words "Dick Wolf" on the screen.

It's a shame that you don't work in a big office-- so many of the women are corpulent (and yet somehow all on diets) that it really inspires me to get & stay healthy. Humans were never meant to be sedentary.

April said...

I want to be that girl running down the street, the wind in her hair, smile on her face as she pumps clean air through her healthy lungs. But there's just too much stuff bouncing around. And the last thing I want is to knock myself out with a stray boobie and be lying in the street in an unflattering position. How embarrassing.

Anonymous said...

being skinny is way better than being fat. dont you want to be that skinny bitch that everyone else is jealous of? and youll look so smoking hot in all of your clothes...usually when i lose weight my boobs get a little smaller...so theres that. go to the classes at your gym...they are so much more entertaining than running on a treadmill for 30 minutes. also..the pole dancing classes are really good!! great way to feel sassy while you sweat your ass off...a gym buddy is another great motivation. having to meet someone at the gym always makes me go cause i dont want them to think im a wimp...i think those are all of my ideas. good luck and GET YOUR ASS TO THE GYM

Mallory said...

I, too, hate running. As of a few months ago, I had gotten up to running a mile on a flat track without being totally miserable. Progress! Then one Sunday, I got sort of sick. Come Monday, I felt better and decided I should go for a run. Evil Me was all "Nah you were sick yesterday don't do it" and Motivated Me was all "Oh shut the fuck up, you feel FINE right now." Motivated Me won, and approximately five minutes into my run, I tripped on a rock and sprained my ankle. It was swollen and hurt like a bitch for EIGHT WEEKS. Thanks for the subtle message, God.

I hate running.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Re: Anonymous' "I get on the bike/treadmill [...] and I don't get off until I see the words "Dick Wolf" on the screen."

That's what she said?

~Jamie said...

hahaha I'm with ya sista!

Christine said...

Damn, are you speaking my language. I only run when being chased and can't stand the gym. Unfortunately, I just started hanging out with an awesome guy who is sadly superfat, so I've been trying to brainstorm ways for us to be active together so I don't have to straight up telling him to stop being a fattie mcfatterstein.

The solution? I told him I want to train and then try out for The Amazing Race, and because he speaks several languages, he has to be my partner. SUCCESS. God I'm a crafty bitch.

hannah said...

go to the gym and you could be in the next dre video/commercial

http://tinyurl.com/ku6u57

amanda said...

Running sucks for a lot of people, including me. Try swimming, it's great and feels like non-exercise.

Anonymous said...

You should join Mint. It's pricey, but it's so super nice. They have mint scented chilled washclothes! And a great steam room and sauna. Its easier to make myself go easier to go to the gym if it feels (almost) like a spa. The best part- the contract is really easy to cancel if you decide to quit.

little bird said...

My thoughts on running?
Only gonna happen if I'm being chased by someone with a knife or a chainsaw.

M said...

Oh gawd I hate the gym too. Try taking a class like boot camp or spin class. For some reason the time goes by faster and because it's a class you feel inclined to go to get there on time. Cute instructors help too.

Mary said...

Thoughts/Comments on the comments:

Title Nine sports bras = awesome. I still dbl up most of the time but they are much more supportive than your average cotton/spandex number.

Classes = mixed reviews. sometimes i like them and sometimes i feel like a complete idiot. clearly most of the other ppl there are regulars and have a clue what they are doing, whereas i do not.

Law and Order = good. I watch this on the treadmill, too. (here its on at 7 and 8pm when i normally go). I walk, w/ a little running mixed in when i feel extra ambitious. I refer to this as "interval training". Law & Order is clutch b/c I always want to stay to the end to see who did it.

Fancy Gym = good. If my gym wasnt also a spa = fancy soaps/towels/steam room etc. I would probs never go.

Spin = love/hate. +'s = once you are in there, you feel too embarrassed to leave in the middle; ergo - you get 45 min workout; if you're out of shape, it doesnt matter that much b/c it's not like you're going to get 'left behind', plus all you have to do is pedal, so it's tough to mess up. -'s, it's hard as heck and you sweat like a mofo, 'spin nazi' instructors yell at you the whole time, which can be either motivating or obnoxious.

running - hate. i like the treadmill bc it's flat, climate controlled, and i can obsess over the stats the whole time. (okay, i'm going to go for 30 minutes. okay, just a few extra minutes to hit 350 cals. okay, just a few extra minutes to do 3 miles, etc etc.) running outside is okay, but it usually quickly turns into a walk for me.

being fat - sucks more than working out. if i don't hit the gym, my clothes will stop fitting. and i'm too poor to buy a new wardrobe. THIS IS A RECESSION PEOPLE.

Therapeutic Ramblings said...

This was all sorts of awesome. As a former gym rat, there is definitely judgment going on with all of those mirrors....so you should take your show on the road. Map out a path outside, and then you can people watch while working out.

Anonymous said...

get out side and start walking. after a few minutes pick out a telephone pole or a mailbox and start running - nothing fast, just a jog - as you're running pick something else (another pole a man walking his dog or a hotdog stand that is located a little bit down the road) and dont stop running till you get there. when you do, stop and walk for another 2/3 minutes. keep going till you reach 40 minutes total. it's a great work out and keeps you constantly looking for starting points and end points. also, keep varying the distances you run and the speeds at which you go. it's a great way to introduce yourself to running and give your muscles a good shock - which burns a TON of calories. the biggest thing, however is staying positive. dont think oh fuck i HAVE to run or i HAVE to work out - think, man it's beautiful out, let me go for a walk, but fuck there's a mailbox, i better start running!

dontgetsentimental said...

Uhhh, please see the below link:

http://dontgetsentimental.wordpress.com/2009/04/07/i-admire-your-decision-to-get-in-shape-this-spring-even-if-its-only-due-to-fear-of-losing-your-health-insurance/

I hope you agree.

Brittan said...

Yep, I'm right there with you. I hate running, I love movies and the flabbier I get the less fun it is to go back to the gym. My motivation lately has been watching So You Think You Can Dance. I was a dancer for 12 years and now my talent is virtually gone and my insane calf muscles are now little puddles of jello above my feet.

So when I watch dancers that are my age and at their peak, it makes me feel a little suicidal but also makes me get off my butt, put the popcorn down and get moving.

That said, I can't really afford the gym (ok, and I really really hate it), can't run to save my life and refuse to dance because it's too depressing. I've started rotating between Turbo Jam and Winsor Pilates and if I can find a yoga DVD that I can stand I'll probably add that to the rotation.

Props to you for actually making it out to the gym. You're a brave woman and one step ahead of me.

Anonymous said...

law & order is AWESOME for staying on the treadmill for an hour (and CSI to a lesser, david-carusoesque extent). you HAVE to stay on until the end to see what happens.

Laura said...

And to that, I say this: http://www.nightclubcardio.com/

Franchise that mess in DC!

Jordan said...

If you don't want to be bored, find your nearest Crossfit affiliate. They are basically small gyms with randomized workouts, attentive trainers and a really supportive community.

Doing my first pullup was about the baddest-ass thing ever. Also, if you are nerdy, there is a ton of science behind the Crossfit methodology.

That said, my problem is that I can't "outrun the fork" and I'm guessing you can't either... oh well, one step at a time.

Casey said...

My entire blog is basically based on how much I hate working out but how fat I've gotten over the past year. I have your solution: CLASSES. Any type of classes. It's annoying to be yelled at by some crazy gym nazi for an hour, but it's only an hour, you burn sufficient calories, you're mildly entertained, then you leave. Done for the day. I highly recommend them.

That Girl said...

I'm 45. You 20 somethings are probably thinking why aren't I on the AARP web site. Because I love you guys thats why. And old people get confused and lost sometimes. Back in the 80's when you showed up for aerobics' and step class with teased hair, fresh make-up, a maroon tard and matching leg warmers and you flailed about with no rhyme or reason to mixed tapes in front of self-condemning floor-to-ceiling mirrors, our aerobics teacher asked us- " If there were a pill, that you could take now, that would keep your body just like it is today, for better or for worse for the rest of your life... would you take it?" .... I'm so pissed I didn't take it.

Katie said...

I'm exactly like you when it comes to working out. All the things yo u are saying, I've said to myself time and time again. But I've recently found a workout plan that is so reasonable even I can't find an excuse to bail out on it. Check it out:
http://www.realsimple.com/health/fitness-exercise/workouts/weekly-workout-checklist-00000000008124/index.html

Wiggs (The Beholder) said...

I'm totally late on this, but you'll have to cut me some slack because I was getting married and shit this summer. So now I'm reading your blog backward to catch up on what I've missed (and for the record, I LOVE MSCL).

I, too, hate working out, I hate the gym, and I hate running. So what I did was sign up for a half marathon, knowing that I would drop dead during the race if I didn't train for it. I still hate running and working out, but fear was pretty good motivation and I managed to drop some serious pounds (like, the equivalent of four prematurely born babies). Also, the other day I realized that listening to a good book on tape is far superior to listening to music...so it's worth a try if you haven't already.

Also, despite being what one would call a "runner," I refuse to bond with strangers over it and I always feel like a steaming pile of shit after I'm done with a workout. But I WILL say that I sort of love not being self-contch about my bod, so I suppose it's worth it.

In closing, I totes hear you about people who proudly get full after one spoonful of low-sodium vegetable soup. I especially can't stand when they pair up and go out to dinner with you and split a side salad for their entire meal.

Anyway...I missed your blog.

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