6.16.2009

Don't make me confiscate your vagina.

It's been a while since something has boggled my mind on par with The Snuggie, The Tinge or The Peekaru. For a minute, I thought my rants and ravings had actually made a difference in this topsy-turvy, mixed-up world. But I thought wrong. For there exists a television show that is so off-the-charts, batshit crazy to me, I am right back at square fucked. The show is on the Discovery Health channel. And it is called, I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant.

The title is pretty self explanatory, but in case there's any lingering confusion, "I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant is a compelling documentary special that explores the fascinating and utterly surprising phenomenon of women who were completely unaware that they were pregnant...until they went into labor!"

I am literally so overwhelmed with confusion, embarrassment and sheer mind-boggledness that I'm going to delineate the points I want to make to in order to keep myself on track. Because at any point, I might just throw in the towel on society, move to the Mojave dessert and kick it with the lizards. For lizards don't wear backwards robes and masturbate with razor blades.

- How could you honestly not know you were pregnant? Every woman has the same story: "Well there I was, fuckin' my boyfriend sans condom, as per usual, and didn't get my period for nine months straight. I didn't think nothin' bout it cause I had been jumping on my cousin's trampoline a lot that summer and she told me that could cause me to skip mah period. Then I gained a whole mess of weight, but I thought it was just because they opened a Chipotle across from my office. And yeah, a giant fetus tried to crawl it's way out of my cooter, but I thought I was just having gas pains from all that Chipotle. OH, L0LZ!!!!" At what point during those nine months did you not connect the dots between the whole fucking without a condom thing and your lack of a period? Because yes, anemia, stress, increased bicycle riding, trampoline jumping and wearing of tight hot pants are all somewhat valid reasons one might miss a period, but I would think the raw dick shooting sperm square into your vagina might be the #1 suspect.

- The show's website describes this as a "phenomenon." A PHENOMENON. Aurora Borealis; that is a phenomenon. Gravitation is a phenomenon. Arctic cyclones are a phenomenon. Hillbillies having unprotected sex and not realizing they're knocked up? That is stupidity. There is a slight difference between the two.

- My favorite moment of any given episode is when the women recall going into labor. At this point, they all still have no idea they're pregnant and assume it's either bad menstrual cramping or gas. I get that. If I had a swizzle stick for a brain, I'd probably assume I had gas as well. The best, however, is when they don't realize they're pregnant UNTIL THE BABY CROWNS. Yes. It literally takes a human head exiting their vagina to turn on the light bulb that says, "Oh wait! I might be pregnant! This explains those arid nine months after I had unprotected sex, the weight gain, the back pain, the swollen ankles and the past eight hours of excruciating abdominal cramps! IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!"

- How do these children not come out with a few extra legs or an arm in the middle of their forehead? You know these women are smoking packs of Marlboro Lights and enjoying a Busch Light or twelve at night. Shit, I cringe at the thought of what I inhale and drink in a nine month period. If I were to unknowingly have a baby today, it would come out looking like a god damn Cubist painting. I don't know why these women always look so happy to see their perfectly healthy surprise babies. I would take one good look at mine and think it was the work of the devil for surviving that 9-month pickling.

Maybe the reason I'm so mind-boggled by all of this is because I am the anti-IDKIWP. I'm the kind of girl who shakes a guys hand and runs to CVS to get a liter of Gatorade and a pregnancy test. Seriously. Every single time I have sex with someone, I convince myself I'm pregnant. Even after I get my period. And use condoms. And take birth control. It's completely unhealthy. I should go to Costco and buy pregnancy tests in bulk and save myself a lot of time and money. But frankly, I would rather single handedly keep Clear Blue in business than be the woman who assumes she's got gas until she pisses out a baby at work.

Plus, if your period goes missing, wouldn't you rather take a simple test and know you're not pregnant for sure, for sure? No matter how hardcore you convince yourself you have a super light flow because of all that line dancing you did, it's got to linger somewhere in the back of your mind that you might be pregnant. That suspense would kill me. Last May I convinced myself I was pregnant. Normally I would just jog to the local convenience store, pick up a pregnancy test and get some reassurance for my neurotic little mind, but I was in Tuscany on a family vacation. And let me tell you, I couldn't find a single pregnancy test in that whole god-fearing countryside. There I was in the most gorgeous place I'd ever been, staying in a villa surrounded by my family, but I couldn't enjoy one minute of it because I was so preoccupied wondering if I was pregnant. I honest-to-God had a dream about wire hangers one night.

Finally, we took a day trip to Florence. I figured plenty of American college students study abroad there, so there had to be at least one pharmacy who carried pregnancy tests. I snuck away from my family and headed for the first pharmacy I saw. Now, keep in mind I don't speak a lick of Italian. After wandering the store for 20 minutes I had two boxes in my hand: one was an enema and one was a pregnancy test. The problem was, I wasn't 100% sure which one was which. In the end, I decided to get them both, just to be sure. As I walked back to find my family with my newly purchased Italian enema and pregnancy test, I got my period.

I still have the enema and pregnancy test in my bathroom to remind myself what a fucking idiot I am. Best. Souvenir. Ever.

33 comments:

India said...

That has got to be the most fucking dumb show I have ever heard of...I was going to say something like "since..." but I LITERALLY cannot think of a dumber show.

Putting aside the whole thing about "How do you NOT know you're pregnant?!", who would even want to watch a show about it? That's...pretty disgusting.

Next up? Top Pregnant Model or something obscure like that.

Good ending anecdote. Italy is confusing in general (see: streets of Venice)

Christine said...

This was my life all through high school and the first half of college. My high school bf and I would literally make out in the back of his car and I would freak the fuck out convincing myself that his sperm had magically traveled through all four layers separating my hoo-ha from his man parts. Thank god I eventually realized that dry=humping and raw dogging are vastly different things...

Also, I've seen this show several times and I am horrified/appalled/fascinated every time, but more so by the fact that obese women with jacked up faces and mullets are chalking up labor to "gas," than I am by the actual concept of not knowing. Exhibit A: http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/12/23/article-1100764-02E190DB000005DC-140_468x454.jpg

-Christine

liferehab said...

My mom was watching this show the other day and I just walked in and was like "wtf." I'm the same way you are... There will be months I don't even kiss a guy (awful months) and I'll convince myself I'm pregnant b/c you know, it's possible to still get your period when your pregnant, so I could be pregnant from months ago.

I drive the bf crazy. I'm a pregnancy hypochondriac. Well, I'm an everything hypochondriac, but that's another story.

Tine said...

I've forbidden myself from watching that show because every time I watch it, I convince myself that I too am pregnant. My bf hates it... there's absolutely no way I could be pregnant because he lives 12,000 miles away and we only see each other every few months. Even if I get my period after the last time I saw him, I believe it's a fake.

I think this is the same show that they air on TLC. My personal favorite story is the one where she and her husband have unprotected sex and then 9 months later she goes into labor in a campground bathroom and the baby FALLS out of her and lands on the floor. It's a miracle the kid didn't die or contract an STD!

Loretta said...

I have often convinced myself I was pregnant and spent a whole lot of money on tests. Now that I actually want to be pregnant I'm not nearly as convinced that I am.
Also, if you truly have pregnant-paranoia I suggest Dollar Store tests or www.saveontests.com. You can get tests for super-cheap instead of shelling out $10 for some piece of mind.

Caitlin said...

And THAT is exactly why I could never take that 4-period-a-year birth control pills. I know someone who didn't know she was pregnant until month 5 because she was on that shit.

I'm so glad I've never seen this show, because I couldn't take the inbred idiocy of all the people on it. I'm scared some of them don't even know babies are made from having sex. UGH.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

India: I'm not kidding when I say I would in no way be surprised if "Top Pregnant Model" actually becomes a show. And yes, yes I would watch it.

Christine: You crack my shit up. Thank you.

Liferehab: <3

Tine: I saw one where she went into labor in the bathroom at work (obvs a fast food restaraunt) and it fell into the toilet bowl. A fast food restaurant toilet bowel.

Loretta: Ah yes, because there's nothing like a good old fashioned discount pregnancy test.

Caitlin: DON'T WATCH IT. Once you start, you can't stop...Seriously, I didn't go to bed Sunday night until like 2am because a marathon was on.

Bridget said...

1. That show blows my mind too. I cannot understand how stupid you must be to not know if you are pregnant. I can understand the first month or two, but once that beach ball starts to surface under your stomach and you STILL haven't gotten your period, you'd think someone would at least be suspicious. And if you're too fat to notice, then good gah, ya'll.

2. And yes, I convince myself I'm pregnant probably every month. I never think about it until I'm ONE day late and then I'm 100% convinced that I've just destroyed the life of an unborn child because holy shit I've been drinking so much tequila lately and that cannot be good for pre-natal brain development. Literally, I have this recurring dream that I'm walking down the street and then all of a sudden I look down and I see this huge pregnant belly and I'm like "HOLY SHIT I'VE BEEN DRUNK FOR THE PAST NINE MONTHS THIS CHILD IS GOING TO BE RETARDED." Not even, "oh shit I'm pregnant," but "oh shit I'm an alcoholic."

3. This is the longest comment I've ever left in my life, but this post meant THAT much to me.

Rachel said...

I actually have met someone who didnt know she was pregnant!!! She was like 45 when she got preganant. She thought she was early menopause, and was gaining weight just likeher mom did when she was that age. She said she drankthe whole time. She foundout she waspregnant at 7 months. I kept saying, "but i dont understand how you didnt know!!!"

Pointus Cranus said...

my friend's mom who is a gyno had a case just like this where she thought the labor pain was kidney stones. of course, she was a morbidly obese floridian....the worst kind of fat.

Laurie said...

Kind of related - I'm enjoying the new MTV show 16 and Pregnant. The first one depressed me a great deal b/c of the douchebag father but I still could watch the shit out of it.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

That show depresses the ever-living shit out of me.

poelondon said...

This was my first visit to your blog. You had me at "vagina." I too have seen this fine program and wondered, WTF? Really? And yet...I did not turn away or change the channel. Hell, I'm wondering when there will be "I Did Not Know I Was Pregnant Volume II"

NK said...

so... do they find out they're pregnant then the cameras come into play? or is it post-*SURPRISE* delivery documentary? or is the cam crew hanging out at podunk hospitals waiting for the magic to happen?

hgrace said...

I watched this show for the first time last night!! I knew a girl who played one of the re-enacters. I don't get it either....it just can't be real. these people just can't exist.

Bobby said...

My friend's wife didn't know she was pregnant for 6.5 months. She was on the pill and wasn't getting her period before she got knocked up because of it. I saw pictures of her at about 6 months, before she knew, and she honestly wasn't that much bigger than she had been.

Best part? Before they found out she was pregnant, her husband called his parents and said "please don't say anything to her, but she's put on a bit of weight."

Anonymous said...

These dumb broads don't always think the sudden pain is gas or menstrual cramps though! I saw one where the woman convinced herself and her bf/soon-to-be baby daddy that she was dying of cancer, because her grandmother just did. She had him speed drive her to the hospital, flying by police cars and subsequently getting almost arrested in the hospital waiting room. Ironically, people only really do that when they think they ARE having a baby. I don't get how you're paranoid enough to think you've got some sort of sudden-onset, lethal abdominal cancer....but somehow made it through 9 clueless months of experiencing classic signs that you are knocked up.

PS. There's been a TV series called "Runway Moms" on Discovery Health. It's about a modeling agency for prego models.

tokyocityblues said...

And it looks like Anonymous may take the win with the show info :)

I'm a 27 year old male. I've dated a lot, slept with comparatively few. My younger sister got pregnant off a douchebag when we were in high school and I have been paranoid about it ever since.

This show just boggles my mind. and makes me a little sick. Also, strangely, a little hungry. Thankfully not gassy.

Maile said...

How could you neglect to mention that quite a few of the women birthed their children into toilets?!
My best friend and I actually watched the entirety of the first two episodes. Needless to say, my mind was fucked.

rebecca said...

was i seriously standing next to you while you were holding an enima next to the Duomo and didn't notice. how drunk was i on your family vacation?

also, a close second to IDKIWP is hitched or ditched. your surprise wedding is coming up in a week and you dont know until you are standing at the alter if you want to go through with it or breakup. its a facinating study.

kate2.0 said...

I don't have cable, so I'm missing out on this *cough* phenomenon, but oh em gee, your post totally makes up for it. Thanks for making me LOL in the cube farm!

Anonymous said...

The most UNFAIR part of it all is that these geniuses are having seemingly painless labors. The poor thing just falls out of her gaping vagina.

Julia said...

While IDKIWP may be the most idiotic show in production history, what other "phenomenon" could prompt you to create the tag "gas pains or human?" Exactly. Blessing in disguise.

Patrick said...

I worked with a girl who claimed she didn't know she was pregnant for the first 7 months. She took 4-5 smoke breaks a day and everyone else at work could tell she was pregnant but her. There were even a few times that people asked her about it and she got pissed at people for saying that she looked fat. Idiot.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

This all just boggles my mind.

And Becky I snuck away to "use an ATM machine." In retrospect I don't know why I didn't just have you and Becca come with me. I'm retarded, we all know this.

maria said...

funny story, I had a pregnancy scare in the beautiful hills of Tuscany as well. but I have similar paranoia about pregnancies, so this was mostly due to the fact that there was unprotected naked spooning going on, I wasn't on birth control, and I had just watched the episode of 'Scrubs' were JD made his lady friend preggo without officially sealing the deal.

and re: the babies born in fast food restroom toilets... at least maybe they're born into a sterile (i.e. urine-drenched) environment?

Molly said...

You forgot to mention they all deliver the baby INTO THE TOILET because they feel like they have to poop and don't realize that is's a child coming out through their crotch and not a turd from the backside.

I wrote about this exact same show and few weeks ago and am so glad I was pointed in the direction of this post!

Margo said...

I watched this show, and my favorite is the woman who births her baby into the toilet. REALLY ma'am?! You thought a child exiting your vagina was actually a large dump? REALLY?! What do you digest on a regular basis that would make you think that childbirth was just a poop? What are you eating?! Who ARE these women?

Juliet said...

HAHAHAHA! That was almost exactly what I was thinking when I saw it! I love how they always are like "the doctor told me I couldnt have kids cuz i have (fill in the blank.. endometriosis or an inverted uterus)" ..so I guess nature has never found a way then huh dumbass? I guess you should ignore the weight gain, missed periods (your 35 bitch you arent going thru early menopause...moron), baby kicks and everything else.. good lord...

Kelly said...

Guess what, India? They already made a Top Model Who is Preggers show! It was like a special on them. Models who got knocked up and said, hell, I've got body fat now, let's take pictures of that, too! But even this special was not as dumb as IDKIWP. But I must also confess... I spent an entire day watching an IDKIWP marathon, then I TiVo-ed it for another month so I could do it again. What I want to know is, how do they find so many of these women!? I mean really? Is it that common?

James said...

I'm always looking for a good laugh, you know that whole laughter therapy crap--and your blog always does the job just fine =]

Keep up the excellent writing!

Anonymous said...

I know someone personally who didn't realize she was pregnant until 6 months along! She was taking birth control the whole time, so she still got her period every month. For being nearly 7 months, she definitely did NOT have a baby bump...looked like just a little bloating. And the worst part is, she went out like a normal 25-year-old a few times a week, and drank heavily.

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