6.23.2009

Drink everytime Chris says "Umbrella"

I don’t think talking about the weather is a particularly exciting topic of conversation, but holy hades, it has been raining forever. New York City has up and turned itself into Seattle. I’ve practically forgotten what the sun looks like. I think it’s yellow, but I can’t be sure. All this grey weather has turned me into an emo kid. I recently dyed my hair black, cut myself some severe angled bangs, and took self photos in sepia to post to my Myspace account.

But seriously, I think I’m getting seasonal affective disorder. But instead of getting depressed, I just get pissed off at people. Oh who am I kidding, I get pissed off at people no matter what the weather is. But can we briefly discuss something? I understand the purpose of umbrellas; we use them to prevent ourselves from getting sopping wet when Mother Nature is bawling her eyes out because she can't remember who El Nino’s baby daddy is. But if walking outside is the equivalent of diving into a pool, you are going to get wet and a comically oversized umbrella is not going to help your cause. Nothing makes me more crotchety than some douchebag, middle-aged power broker strutting around carrying a giant golf umbrella, taking up half the goddamn sidewalk, leaving a path of pedestrians in his wake clutching their eyes.
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Look at that guy. Sure he’s dry
but he’s a total asshole. There’s not need for an umbrella-Hummer equivalent; a normal sized umbrella will suit you just fine, especially when you’re on a crowded sidewalk in a busy city, dickhead. I can probably think of 10 people who are in greater need of a gigantic umbrella than you on your two block walk from the subway to your office.

1.) Considering it’s called a golf umbrella, I think the most obvious choice are the spectators at a golf tournament.
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While they are using them individually, it’s not out of place. Everyone is walking in one direction, so no one has to worry about losing an eye on their way to work.

2.) Jon & Kate plus 8. Scratch that, just Jon plus 8, because I sort of hate Kate and that hairdo deserves to get sopping wet.
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If you have 8 children and you want to keep them all dry at once, a giant umbrella makes sense. If you are one person, even if you have an 8 inch penis that you want to keep all dry at once, you don’t need a giant umbrella. You need to put on pants, and then you need to call Meg. [Editor's Note: HOLLER!]

3.) If water is lethal to you like The Wicked Witch, you could use a huge umbrella.
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This bitch has a reason to tote around a giant umbrella and not look like a jackass. She’s just trying to stay alive. Even the Bee Gees would support that.

4.) Photobucket
A herd of mogwai would benefit more from a 62 inch umbrella than a disgruntled businessman. In fact, this would benefit everyone, since I’m not trying to get killed by a gremlin on my way to/from work.

5.) I’m not sure it rains in fairytales but if it did, I’d let The Gingerbread Man use this gigantic umbrella.
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I'll cut this guy a break, because while he is extremely tiny, he is made out of baked goods. And he’s apt to go the way of the Wicked Witch if caught in a torrential downpour.

6.) Donna Summer might have been able to avoid that whole MacArthur Park fiasco if the man above would lend her his umbrella.
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And she’ll never have that recipe again. Agaiiiiiin.

7.) If your job is to transport the Dead Sea Scrolls from one location to another in the pouring rain, then you have a worse job than anyone reading this article.
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I can’t imagine they stand up to much of anything. And if your job is to keep those things safe, then by all means, have a continent sized umbrella.

8.) Or if you’re a continent sized person, like Hagrid, and your umbrella is proportional, then it makes sense.
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Big guy, big umbrella. Giving Hagrid a regular umbrella, you’d end up with a fat guy in a little coat scenario.

9.) Say you are this kid, just your everyday aspiring bandleader.
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And it’s your first parade. And your baton is missing. Do you: have a super sweet 16 (super nerdy) shit fit and punch the tuba player OR do you grab your giant umbrella and John Phillip Sousa the shit out of it?

10.) And last but not least, Mary Poppins.
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Sure, she gets by with that regular-sized, albeit magical umbrella, but think of how much further she can soar with a HUGE umbrella. Lift or some other physics property is sure to be at work here.

I think, in the future, people should refer to this list. If you aren’t made of sugary sweets or allergic to water, are not unhumanly in size or a magical nanny, then put the giant golf umbrella away. Their need is greater than yours, and you are just an asshole.

14 comments:

Caitlin said...

I don't want to sound obnoxious or anything, but I am sitting here in Louisiana willing to pleasure anyone who works at the Weather Channel in order to get some of your rain. We have not had rain in a month and it's been over 90 every day. The high tomorrow is 102.

I am suffering from the same seasonal affective disorder as you, but for the lack of rain and overabundance of humidity.

I think we need to work out a co-op agreement to where I give you some sun and heat and you give me some rain. I'm thinking this will involve some sort of ritualistic burning of an umbrella to Thor, god of thunder.

Christine said...

I would like to point out that while anyone guarding the Dead Sea Scrolls is allowed to have a giant umbrella, tourists with huge fucking maps are not.

Map does not = historical and priceless document. Sorry to all the wonderful Asian tourists who clog my street and take photos of canolis, but the truth hurts.

Also, I think you (Meg and Chris) should know that CT of Real World fame lives two blocks away from me and is a personal trainer at the local gym. I see him at least once a week and am debating whether a gym membership is worth being his BFF. Oh how the mighty have fallen...

Pointus Cranus said...

rain in the city = umbrella traffic. glad someone else shares my rage.

Anonymous said...

Hey chris, just wanted to let you know that I just enjoyed a beautiful sunny day in Seattle. We're not as rainy as everyone thinks, just kinda grey and drizzly when you guys are getting snow or spring sun. I guess we are like London besides with better food and teeth.

M.R. said...

Blog award!
http://allthingsfabu.blogspot.com/2009/06/blog-award.html

Meghan said...

There needs to be something in here against d-bags with golf umbrellas that are used when it is sunny outside. Yesterday some guy clogged up the whole sidewalk with a golf umbrella he was using to protect himself from the sun. Coppertone works just as well... And he wasn't a pasty goth, he'd clearly been at the pool a time or two already.

Open Sights said...

Fact until proven otherwise: anyone who carries a golf umbrella on a city sidewalk has zero value as a human being.

Furthermore, a golf umbrella is for a golfer or caddy to cover himself and a bag of clubs. In other words, those golf spectators you picture are d-bags too (though admittedly they’re less offensive than people who carry golf umbrellas in the city). Umbrellas of any kind are poor form for spectators at a sporting event. Wear a raincoat!

Anonymous said...

Very interesting post, thanks for sharing!

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