6.24.2009

NYC Prep: Why the Royal Family Stopped Inbreeding

I don't think it's going to come as a shock to anyone when I say that I love Gossip Girl. Because I do. I love it. If I could take it down to City Hall, marry it, go home and fuck it, guess what? I would.

It might also not come as a shock to anyone when I say that I love shitty reality television. Because again, I do. I really, really love it. Just yesterday I discovered the CMT reality show, World's Strictest Parents. In this hee-larious show, rebellious white trash teens are sent to live with super-strict, equally white trash families to reform their troubled ways. I watched two back-to-back episodes yesterday. That's two hours of my life I will never get back. And I am in no way mad about it, because that shit is comedy gold.

So, given my love for Gossip Girl and shitty reality television, you can understand how excited I was to watch the premiere of Bravo's new reality show NYC Prep last night. For those of you who don't schedule your life around Bravo programming like I do, NYC Prep follows the lives of six teens attending New York City's most elite prep schools. It's basically a real life Gossip Girl. Yeah, that's right. A real life Gossip Girl. I squealed like a piglet when I first heard about it. My little curly-cue tail went pencil straight with excitement. I hadn't been this amped up for a television show since Real Housewives of New Jersey, and lord knows that shit didn't disappoint.

NYC Prep premiered at 10 o'clock pm last night. It was an hour long. I watched it at Laura's apartment. Guess what I did at 10:33 pm? I walked out.

Yeah. Let's let that statement burn for a little longer.
















WALKED. OUT.

Hurts, don't it? Because it sure as shit hurt me! But I didn't have an option! I was so overcome with confusion and disappointment that I had to physically remove myself from the situation. It was that bad. But not so bad it was good. It was just straight-up bad. These "children" are horrible, horrible human beings who do not deserve the attention that having their own television show will harbor. Why—OH WHY—do we, as a society, keep rewarding stupidity, greed and general god-awfulness?! Here's a little laundry list of what upset me:

1.) Two of the main characters on the show have lazy eyes. Not one; TWO. That's 2 out of 6. This means that 33% of the cast has a lazy eye. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?! You people are rich as sin! How have you not remedied this situation already?! I can literally feel the individual blood cells flowing through my veins right now
that is how fucking fired up I am about this. You stupid little twats have PERSONAL GOD DAMN SHOPPERS; I think you can afford a motherfucking eye patch. Can I please tell you something? Right now, at the very moment that I'm typing this, I have a giant zit, square in the middle of my forehead. If I knew, today, that a camera crew was going to walk into my office and fucking follow me around and broadcast their footage to the entire god damn world via Bravo TV, you bet your balls I'd be crying my face off at the dermatologists, begging them to do something about it. A Hormone shot, a steroid shot, a skin graftanything. And it's just a zit! You little shits have LAZY EYES! I can't concentrate on the offensively overprivileged things coming out of your mouth because I'm too busy watching your left eye roll around your eye socket like it's a god damn Magic 8-Ball! Do you have the money and means to fix your wonk eyes? SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE! My sources say YES! Of course you do! Fix the god damn thing!!!!!

2.) PC.
Photobucket
What in the fuckity fuck is wrong with you, kid? I mean god damn. I understand that you're trying to go for the whole I'm-a-total-asshole-and-that's-my-shtick-Chuck-Bass thing, but you might want to tone it down just a tad bit. There's a scene where one of the Lazy-Eyed Twins is talking to PC about how she wants to have a benefit for Operation Smile. PC guffaws, rolls his eyes and goes on a rant about how it's just so in right now to help a cause and Operation Smile is just so
passé. ARE YOU FOR FUCKING SERIOUS?! Here's a little life lesson for you, kid. See this?
Photobucket
That's a camera. And see this?
Photobucket
That's a boom mic. The boom mic and camera work in tandem to record and broadcast everything you say and do. People don't tend to react too kindly to overprivileged assholes featured on Bravo television. Don't believe me? Go have a talk with the hollow shell of a former socialite that is Kelly Bensimon. I'm sure she'll have some good pointers for you about how to pick up the pieces of your shattered life.

3.) Right before I walked out, there was a teaser for an upcoming scene in which the other Lazy-Eyed Twin has a meltdown because although she's not dating PC, he flirts with another girl. To which I said, out loud, "I thought he was a homo?!", threw up my hands and walked out. Girl, I know you got one eye pointing towards the heavens and one eye pointing towards the homo, but as someone with two functioning eyes, let me help you out: that kid is a closeted homosexual. Remember Olivia's super gay cousin Nevan on The City? Remember how he was a one-man gay pride parade and yet "loved the pussy?" And remember how we all laughed at him and sort of felt sad for him at the same time? Yeah, well, PC is that guy minus five years. I recommend you take the time and energy you would spend chasing PC and direct it towards finding yourself an eye patch or a good optometrist. It'll save you a lot of heartbreak and eye-related headaches in the future.

4.) Taylor. Taylor is the show's "Jenny Humphrey" equivalent. She goes to public school, lives on the Upper West Side and struggles with her feelings of financial inadequacy. She's two devastating things: adorable and desperate to fit in with douchebags. Baby angel. I just want to take you in my arms, hold you, gently rock back-and-forth and whisper, "everything's gonna be alright," before softly kissing you on the forehead. My poor little Tay-Tay. Sometimes not fitting in is actually a good thing, depending on who you don't fit in with. If you were surrounded by a bunch of Nazis, would you think "Oh raspberries! I don't fit in! Better punch a Jew in the face so they'll invite me to their Nazi tea parties!" or would you think "Gross! Nazis! I better get out of here!"? I would like to think you would choose the latter. Overall, her entire situation just breaks my heart and I can't watch her sell her hymen up the river to fit in. I say good day to the entire situation.

5.) They all have blackberries at age 14. Do you know what I had at age 14? A subscription to Nickelodeon magazine and no period.

I just can't get behind this show. Not only has it made me not want to have children (ever), it's also robbed Gossip Girl of a bit of it's magic. Because now I know that the real Blair Waldorf has a wonk eye and a crush on the closeted kid. Thanks a lot, NYC Prep. You know how the captain of the Titanic felt so guilty about what he had done that he shot himself in the head and went down with the ship? Yeah, well, NYC Prep producers take note. It would be the honorable thing to do.

136 comments:

Rachel said...

i turned it off too!!!!

Chris said...

I saw a clip of this show on The Soup a while back and I just knew it wasn't going to happen. Thank you for confirming my belief.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Please, please don't waste your time. Starring at a brick wall for an hour would be time well spent compared to watching this show.

Sacha said...

that might be the single funniest post I've read this year. thank you, 2 birds!

Anonymous said...

Are their eyes actually lazy, or do they just have weird faces? I looked em up, and I think they just look strange. Not lazy per se.

Grant said...

I have a lazy eye and I am highly offended by this post!

Nah, seriously though, I have strabismus, and not to excuse their douchebaggery or anything, but 15+ years of bifocals and contacts plus a surgery didn't fully fix it. When I'm looking at something close up, like a dinner plate or my own face in the mirror it sometimes still drifts a bit. I knew a guy in high school who'd had the surgery like three or four times and still sometimes had some drifting. So even with the finest medical care that money can buy the curse can remain.

And now that I've rained on your parade, keep up the good work. I like that you watch these things so I don't have to.

Anonymous said...

I have been reading your blog for a while and always find your posts entertaining but I could not help but to comment after this one.

DITTOS. This show was terrible! And I would name my first born Gossip Girl and my second born reality TV if I could.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Ugh...thanks Grant. Now I feel like an asshole.

Rebecca said...

i'm glad i missed it! i was busy watching Jaclyn give birth on the real housewives reunion.

remind me later to tell you about the guy i dated with one eye. yes i'm being serious.

Anonymous said...

I switched off at the exact same point in the show, but more because of Taylor than the googly-eyed monsters (no offense Grant). She was so grossly desperate to fit it, as soon as that convo with her mom came on, I was out.

WORST. SHOW (and human beings). EVER.

Cat said...

Thanks to your blog, I've mastered my silent-laughter-at-work skills. Today's entry was probably the hardest I've had to work at keeping quiet, but it was well worth it.

Patrick said...

I'll assist you and make you feel like less of an asshole because I have a quick question for anyone with a lazy eye. I'm being completely serious but I've never had the balls to ask someone face to face about this who actually has a lazy eye.

Do you see normally out of your lazy eye? I mean, when you're looking straight at something, do both eyes focus on the same thing or does the lazy one actually focus on a completely different object? I feel like that would really throw off a person's sense of balance or something.

I'm being completely serious about this too because I've always want to know.

By the way, that little comment about you at age 14 almost made me piss myself in my office. I think I had a subscription to WWF Magazine at age 14. Damn it being a kid was the freaking balls.

Growing up blows.

Patrick said...

I said I was completely serious twice just now...I hope that makes everyone realize how completely serious I was about my question. Good day.

billychristensen said...

You are so right on. I watched this wife my wife last night and about lost it at the complete and utter ridiculousness of the "cast". I didn't realize there was a level of douchebag below Spencer Pratt (Thanks PC).

Annie said...

TEAM PATRICK...i am DYING to know too. i clearly dont have the balls to ask someone with a lazy eye about it since i am 24 and have yet to do so...so please someone educate us. and i swear im not an asshole. i just have a boss with said problem and i never know if shes actually looking at me. also, does it offend you if i look at the drifting eye? do i need to maintain focus on the....good eye? or does it matter?

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2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Come on Grant, Team Patrick is counting on you! Everybody, cheer with me! GRANT! GRANT! GRANT! GRANT!

And you're welcome Autumn. Meet-an-inmate.com still occupies a surprisingly large amount of my daily web surfing.

Michelle... said...

It's like you stole the thoughts from my head, except I will sadly probably watch another episode since there is nothing on during the summer on Tuesdays. *sigh*

Anonymous said...

alright. i laughed out loud when i read this in my office. with no cubicle. my office believes in open environment. my coworker looked at me strangely. with her lazy eye.

Casey said...

But what about the 16 year old CHILD who lives ALONE in NYC with her 18-year-old brother? And the parents drop in one night a week to eat Chinese food with them??? God I must live in WhitePicketFenceVille, because when I was 16, my mom wouldn't even let me out later than midnight, let alone live alone on the Upper East Side!! Ridiculous.

Anonymous said...

A letter posted on my other favorite blog (slightly below 2b1b) sent in by an alum of the prep school Bravo films at. From the administration regarding this trashy show. The letter, of course, is lame...

http://tinyurl.com/l59gvk

el. said...

oh raspberries!

Laura said...

So... I'm ashamed to say I watched until the end after you left last night. I think this show has single handedly prevented me from ever being a "cool mom." I called my mom after and I swear to God thanked her giving me boundaries.

Cassandre said...

5.) They all have blackberries at age 14. Do you know what I had at age 14? A subscription to Nickelodeon magazine and no period.


Word.

Oh, and to the lazy eye question, I actually asked a doctor I work with and he said "It just depends on the day." No joke. That was his answer. So sorry I can't help out in that respect.

Christine said...

1. You are spot on with your analysis of PC. He's just a poor, sad, shell of a Nevan who wants nothing more than to be a Chuck. Too bad he lacks the charm, razor sharp wit, and desire for vagina to make his dreams come true...I guess money really can't buy everything.

2. In no way, shape, or form are these kids NYC's "elite." One of them goes to Stuyvesant, which is a PUBLIC SCHOOL for god's sake. Also, two of the others go to Dalton, which isn't the best, but at least it's not Dwight, which is the Alcatraz of prep schools. You only go there when no other school will have you. One of my college roommate's was kicked out of Deerfield for beating the shit out of a kid with a sock full of pennies, and even he didn't wind up at Dwight! Side note: Aaron Reid, L.A. Reid's son, of Super Sweet Sixteen fame goes to Dwight. We're facebook friends. NBD, no big deal.

3. No self-respecting, successful, old money family would let their kids on a show like this.

4. When writing point number 2, I had to google the movie, "The Rock," to remind myself that the big old prison in the Pacific is not, in fact, Azkaban. Sadly, I don't find this to be a concern...

-Christine

ashkindred said...

didn't watch it because I'm totally out of reality tv touch, but this post made me fall off my couch I was laughing so hard.

My husband just looked at me and said "really? Can it be that funny?"....yes, dear. It is. Good post.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Dear Christine:

Let's be BFFs.

Love always, Meg

Christine said...

Dear Meg,

Get your drunken monument tour together and we'll make it happen.

XOXO - Christine

jordfallsmotet said...

after watching Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag word-vomit for the first time today, I'm kind of disappointed that you don't find their bullshit a maddeningly depressing symbol for how fucking stupid our society is. not that this Blair Waldorf reality show is any kind of beacon of hope, mostly it just sounds boring. but it sounds kind of typical and overdone with these kinds of shows. and lazy eyes? not that I'm offended, but really? after seeing what a self-righteous bitch Heidi Montag is, lazy eyes really shouldn't be at the top of your shitlist of horrible moral crimes committed on reality television.

Loretta said...

Funny. The only two people I've ever known with lazy eyes have been very wealthy.

Maybe they're proud of it?

Grant said...

Oh hey I'm back.

When my lazy eyedness was at its peak I was just like the stereotypical walleyed freak in a movie or cartoon. Now it's mostly normal. But definitely when it's bad you get pretty severe drift.

That's part of the problem with strabismus. If it's not fixed your eyes stop being able to work together and your vision deteriorates.

Internet anonymity: allowing you to ask embarassing questions since 1996.

PS - I wasn't/am not offended. It's all good. My mom sometimes makes fun of me when she notices some eyedrift.

Anonymous said...

I watched that world's strictest parents and I think that PC played as Reed from episode 2 of the parent's show...go look at the pics! I mean "Reed's" hair has really bad blonde highlights but die his hair dark and put some decent clothing on the kid and its that PC douche for sure!!!

Amy said...

This is hilarious. I found the post when I wanted to read about the cast members of NYC prep with lazy eye because I have a lazy eye too.

Lazy eye can be caused by a number of things, and sometimes it can't really get any better. I find myself favoring my right eye over my left (the lazy eye), but I can definitely see out of both of them well.

I prefer when people make eye contact with me, period. I tell people who avoid it, "Just look at my forehead if my googly eye creeps you out."

Anonymous said...

OK... I am actually a little concerned after watching an episode of NYC Prep as a few of the teens featured seem to have come from gene pools that are too small...

Sad.

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