6.30.2009

SUCK IT, NERDS!

OMG I fucking hate nerds.

If I could live my life all over again, I would be a jock in high school and a frat boy in college, specifically so I could shove nerds into lockers and give them wedgies and all of that.

Let me explain where this is coming from. Everyday from 9-5 I am surrounded by the worst nerds on the planet. People who got beat up in high school, but still decided to pursue the path of nerdery into college, where they failed with the opposite sex repeatedly BUT STILL decided to go on and get a degree in higher education in being a nerd. And so now they all come here to do their science experiments and circle jerk about how smart they are. I can freely admit that I had a brief foray into nerddom growing up, but I managed to major in biology without hiking my pants up to my nipples, slapping on a pocket protector, and jerking off to articles in Science magazine. But being the odd man out here (read: the only non-loser) I am in the minority, and the nerds are picking on me daily.

The people I work with cannot comprehend standard social graces. If you aren't a beaker or a bacteria, they have no idea how to interact with you. And so instead of being polite humans, they are routinely condescending, derogatory, or just outright rude.

Let me give you an example. Six months ago, I was asked to ship some stuff to Australia (which is a whole lot harder than you'd expect. Damn you, terrorists, for making my job more difficult), and I needed to ask someone in the lab for help. So I had to ask this douchebag nerd, and he agreed to help. I find out, six months later, that the shipment never went through. So I email around to find out what the problem was: the recipient tells me its the shipping company's fault, the shipping company tells me it was an internal issue, I email Dr. Douchebag to find out what's wrong. He catches me at the end of the day and tells me that he never received the samples to be shipped from our boss, but he made it seem like it was my fault. He also said that "It's a shame, because the shipping company was great to work with, but it was embarrassing that I never got those samples."

What the fuck are you guilting me about that for? I can't make our boss do something any faster than you can. And if that's really what was wrong, then why did our boss ask me what the holdup was on the shipment? Don't think you're pulling a fast one on me because I'm not as smart as you because I don't have a Ph.D. I have a P.H.D. which is way better. A pretty huge dick. I also have a personality, and the ability to make friends with things larger than bacteria. You might make more money than me right now, but you're also 35 and had to buy your wife from Russia (Seriously, this guy is a FOB from Ireland and his wife's name is Olga...draw your own conclusions). So why don't you take your shitty attitude, put it in a test tube, and shove it up your ass. But you're probably already going to have your mail order bride do that for you when you get home tonight anyway.

We here at 2birds are very much against the Meeks and nerds of the world. Please help us to end their individual reigns of terror. For every new person that friends us on Facebook, Meg will give a Meek a swirlie. For every new person who follows us on Twitter @2birds1blog @misterlizlemon, I will break a nerd's glasses. And for every person you pass this blog along to, Meg and I will both shove a Meek/nerd into a locker.

37 comments:

L said...

You just descibed my daily life as well. I am a tequila loving, football fanatic, slut of a girl who happened to be good at chemistry and is now working an industry job surrounded by the most extreme nerds I have ever known in my life. They are all socially inept and can't handle the normalcies of social interactions. These are the reasons why I have a flask at work.

Loretta said...

I'm a self-professed nerd but I don't have glasses and I wear my pants securely on my hip bones. I have normal social interactions and apparently succeeded enough with the opposite sex to get one of their members to marry me.

I just totally dig science.

liferehab said...

omg, I have to put up with the same people at my job. I don't understand why having PhD after your name makes you be a douche. Of course, they can't add or subtract for shit, so I love emailing them and asking them how they came up with their totally wrong calculations. I figure my job is to deflate their egos.

Mike said...

This post is kind of irritating. It sounds like this job was your responsibility. So you asked for "help", but it really sounds like you dumped the task on someone else. You clearly didn't follow up to see that the shipment finally made it out the door, and you're upset that the person that "helped" you didn't do everything. I would hate to "help" you move. I guess I hate condescending nerds, too, but I hate inept colleagues more...and even worse are people who are definitely NOT my boss trying to delegate their menial tasks to me as if they are. Ugh.

Christine said...

Multiple comments:

1. I am currently sitting across from this fine specimen: http://twitpic.com/8vaya in the library at school. Her name is Rachel and she enjoys playing World of Warcraft whilst wearing quilted kitten sweatshirts, tapered, acid wash, mom jeans, and bedazzled sneakers. She is also a lesbian, which confirms my initial suspicion that she had never seen a penis. Rachel wants to be a high school math teacher, and I have spent the past 6 weeks that I have known her trying to formulate a polite way to force a makeover upon her so she doesn't get eaten alive on her first day of teaching. She inadvertently makes my long days at school appoximately 10x more exciting, and I plan on devoting a blogpost to her sometime in the near future.

2. Hey, Mike, you know what's kind of irritating? People who can't take humorous blogposts with a grain of salt. Just saying...

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Ohhhhh Mike...you picked the wrong day to get sassy with Chris. God forbid you live within 5 miles of the NY city limits, or else we're going to find you hanging from your genitals somewhere tomorrow morning. And not in a fun David Carradine kind of way.

And are you the same Mike who got all riled up about me not wanting to go to the gym? Man, you fuckin' hate us. Sup with that? We can take it and all, I'm just curious what keeps you coming back, bless your heart.

K, kisses and strangelings. - M

Mike said...

I live on W. 10th and Hudson St. Bring it.
This site is one of the only things I enjoy about my work day, and that's why I keep coming back. I love it! And yes, I commented against going to the gym and called you a fatass out of love, not malice. Other than that one, the only thing I've commented on was one about the logistics of ass wiping. I just feel so strongly about some things, you know?
But one of the things that I hate about work is do-nothings who constantly want to do less. I'm thinking of one specific person only, and I guess I just imagined him writing it, getting pissed that the thing he was supposed to do never got done by someone else. And it enraged me. So, I apologize to you, Chris, for my misplaced anger and ignorantly applying my most hated colleague's work ethic to you and your story of dickhead nerds. Unfair! I apologize for being the guy who takes shit too seriously on a comedy blog. Chris, meet me at the top of the Empire State Building, and you can punch me in the face. I'll be wearing a fanny pack. Don't worry about verifying whether or not it's me...just punch.

Anonymous said...

gotta say, i agree with mike on this one!

Anonymous said...

OMG! I am surrounded by nerds too! Gawd, my boss seriously is the worst boss I have ever worked with, he has farted in my cube while standing behind me and not said a thing. I can hear him eating his lunch (mouth open) across the halway, when in a meeting he sits in his chair, reclining with his arms behind his back. He is a Mainframe Geek, and old school one and is the most condescending nerd I have ever met, he also interupts people. Oh his hygene is really bad too, he wipes his runny nose with the back of his hand... I could go on and on. My goodness, how did I get stuck with these people...hmph. But heck thanks for letting me rant and writing something that I can totally relate to!

TC

Anonymous said...

You know, I usually love 2b1b, but this left me with a pretty shitty impression of Chris.

You're not being discerning and funny. You're being the less-smart asshole, being mean and not even wittily enough to be called snarky. You wrote a rant about someone helping you, you screwing up, and then you feeling guilty, but somehow it's this guy's fault because he has a PhD? You're picking on your co-workers because they went to a ton of school and worked hard?

You don't come off as "the non-loser geek," just bitter and nasty. To use your own terminology, this post is like one big circle jerk of an inferiority complex.

Anonymous said...

$20 says comments 4, 8, and 10 are all from the same person.

Anonymous said...

Nope, I'm #10 and I definitely didn't leave #4 or #8. More than one nerd out there who took offense, sorry to report.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I appreciate that this post caused more in-fighting than the time I generalized that black people are an entertaining reason in and of themselves to to love DC.

Nerd inequality is the new racial inequality?

bowamb05 said...

Thank you for being the voice of all the socially skilled scientists. I thought Biology would be the least chance of nerdism, EH!-wrong. and ive suffered for it every day since. Hopefully vet school will be better...but there really should be a support group and/or uprising

Anonymous said...

I'm a nerd...I succckk it gooood. As the title of your blog says!

2Birds Addict said...

This is horribly whiny, but please update soon...I'm about to murder my boss and you guys keep me sane with a little laughter haha

Loretta said...

I would also like to clarify the definition of some key words here.
Nerd= super-smart, into being super-smart
Geek= may be super-smart, may not be, but is really into a particular thing (like sci-fi) and their world view is based on this thing, thus they're socially impaired
Dork = just socially impaired

Anonymous said...

Hahah..based on this def. I'm a nerd-geek.

Cat said...

Haha, I'm glad there are other socially adept people out there, like me, who happen to do science for a living, but have to endure the daily intellectual pissing contests among ugly, condescending, socially inept asshole nerds. Your life sounds like my life. It's reassuring to know I'm not the only normal science person who seethes silently about how much most science types suck.

Anonymous said...

sooo is chris done blogging or what?

Anonymous said...

reading this made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside... like I'm not alone when these dorks flex their nuts and are rude and condescending. they all have generic styles and absolutely no character, whether moral or aesthetic. I htink they circle jerk then play D&D, then circle jerk, then when they get bored of pornography they move on to world of warcraft. I love my work/studies, but god i hate these losers. I hope they never get laid

Anonymous said...

I wish to second that opinion! Most nerds are insufferable, pompous pricks working out their social issues on the world because they got shoved into lockers for being so annoying! And damn, they deserved it. It's called society, "man is a social animal", you can't just be crass and rude while looking at people askance and expect nobody will get at you for it.
Great, now because I quoted Aristotle, I'll get associated with these losers. They're a disgrace to anyone with an IQ of over a hundred... and damn, the way the world is going, right about now I'm rooting for those with IQs under a hundred!

Anonymous said...

what exactly is you problem against nerds? Is it that you're a bigot who hates them for their personality and their social skills, even if they are nice and shy. Someone who was a bully back in the days? I think your reason is that they've given you that much pain in your life that you use their stereotypical personality as a substitute to insult them by.

Anonymous said...

btw, I meant to say were YOU a bully back in the days, and do you consider nerds to be mean (and rude)?

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this.. I recently quit a job where 95% of the company was a bore ass nerd that were so full of themselves...it was clear they were compensating for being even bigger nerds during their youth. WORST experience of my life!!

Dontkillevery1 said...

Damn, how come so many hate nerds? But then again many hate nice people, smart people, short people, immigrants...why? Because they're different than them. I mean WTF...idiots. Get a heart and drop the gun.

Anonymous said...

I hate nerds like I hate people with down syndrome or ahlzeimers. They are embarrasing to be around and make me want to stab them in the eye. I mean, there is only one way someone can be, and that is social. Anything else is wrong.

Anonymous said...

I hate nerds like I hate people with down syndrome or ahlzeimers. They are embarrasing to be around and make me want to stab them in the eye. I mean, there is only one way someone can be, and that is social. Anything else is wrong.

megapure1000 said...

atleast we have only girl nerds in estonia. i wera glasses and like to play video games and im not a nerd i just dont have life outside cuz i have russian enemies there. i can speak russian very good and estonian too but im not a nerd.

Victor said...

Let me add a little to these comments. All ya gotta do is kick their asses. Nothing much. Chase em up to the alley and then pour shaving cream in their pants when no one is looking. Shit like that. I am sure that this works, I have tried it myself. One at a time, and by the end of the week, no one'll be fucking with you…

Anonymous said...

I'm a nerd but those type of nerds so yeah, here is why I'm not one of those nerds. One reason is my older sister is watching a lot stuff on YouTube that end being meme, so she was watching my little pony friendship is magic one those episode that said princess celest when they meant to say princess celestia and some background character was being cross eyed or derpy, anyways I became a brony after that.

I don't know off topic (I don,t know if it's off topic) I'm just saying that I'm not one those type of nerds

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Anonymous said...

You are such an idiot. You said you are wrong, you said nerds should suffer bullying in college and highschool, but now, that they are better, you think it's unfair that they pick on you. Also, why are nerds "losers" if they're the ones who give you orders now? And in another point, human has only became the most powerful animal in the world because it's the only rational one. In this survival game, the smartest one wins. So think better next time you want to fight a nerd with a stick while he has his sword.

Anonymous said...

I think you have the name wrong. I know "nerds" who are very smart, kind of love to educate themselves, but they get hammered weekends, have no problem get laid and are quite popular, great personality wise. On the other hand, there are "jocks" who are hated by jocks and just suck as people.

In my opinion the labeling is wrong, those "nerds" should be called assholes, nobody liked them, they thought they were uber and they were bullied because their personality sucked, they studied too much so they can feel smart, while they are dumb as rocks. So they compensate their past later in job where they endured to get PHD. but that doesnt mean they are smart, if they would be smart, they wouldnt be assholes, simple fact. Its all upon people, some "jocks" are cool and some suck, some "nerds are cool, some suck. If the person has good heart, let them live, but if their heart is black as their pocket protector, let them suffer.

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