Patsy's Regina George Moment

You know what breed of creature really intrigues me? The Mean Geek. The Mean Geek, or Meek as they are called in the Scientific Community, is a sort of walking contradiction and cruel joke evolution has produced over millions of years. Physiologically, they look, act and sound geeky, and yet they are hostile creatures. They judge you based on an ass-backwards scale. For example knowing a dead language would earn a Meek’s trust and respect, whereas knowing how to crack a proper sarcastic office joke or how to properly put together a cute outfit enrages the Meek and you are forever marked as the enemy. They think less of you because you aren’t a fourth level Dragon Master and their die have 12 sides, whereas you have the oh-so-common four-sided model. They laugh at your livejournal because you don’t have an animated .gif icon of a Jedi—HAND CODED. I’ve had extensive exposure to Meeks recently, as one works in my office and sits in the cubicle next to me. I have been able to study the Meek in her natural habitat and I have some questions.

Why are Meeks so mean? I know what it’s like to be the new girl in the office, so on her first day I walked up the Meek, smiled and nicely and said “Hi! My name’s Patsy, you must be the new editorial intern!” The Meek looked at me the way one might look at someone who just publicly fucked a chicken, mumbled something that sounded like “Oh, okay” and then headed back to her desk. You shun my offer of friendship? GAME ON MEEK…

The Meek I’m sure is a very intelligent girl and is very dedicated to her internship. She is always working and requesting more work. Most of the editorial interns we’ve had just ass around and watch TV. Hell, this is my full-time job and I’m writing this blog entry and eating chex-mix instead of working. This Meek could go far in the editorial magazine world. But she just can’t do it looking the way a Meek looks. I’m sorry, I hate to say it, but it’s true. The Devil does not wear Limited Too. Now I’m not saying that you have to wear Prada to work everyday; Target and Old Navy make up a large portion of my wardrobe. I’m just saying maybe (if the Meek had accepted my offer of friendship) we could clean up shop a little.

The Meek wears the same outfit everyday. But literally, she wears the same outfit everyday. It gets horribly wrinkled by Friday. Poor Meek…Boo, I coulda helped you out.

Now you may think I’m a raging snob, but maybe actually seeing the Meek will change your mind. Here is how I look when I come to work in the morning (I know, I know, this is supposed to be an anonymous blog, but whatever, congratulations, you guys get to know what I look like. I just took this in the bathroom with my phone, so I apologize for how crappy I look):


And here is a picture I took of the Meek. I realize how creepy this is, I really do. But I just had to share so people would realize how extreme this situation is and I can sound 45% less like a vapid whore (and yes it was awkward to wait until she had to get up to eagerly snap a picture of her with my phone. But Meeks must be well documented so we can learn all we can about them!)


There she is. In all of her Meeky glory! That’s the outfit she wore all of last week. And it’s okay to be gap-toothed, have sort of a mullet and not be the thinnest girl ever! I mean look at my picture, I’m a cow! But it’s worth the effort to present one’s self well. Why doesn’t the Meek care? And why does the Meek care that I care and react with hostility towards me when I’m not the one with a kerchief around my neck? I shall study this Meek for the next 6 months and learn all I can to end Meek behavior. I know you have had a bad Meek experience…Anna…I’m looking at you. Feel free to share your Meek stories so I can further understand these creatures and end Meek harassment, or EMO: the End Meeks Offensive. We get together once a week and listen to Dashboard Confessional and cry.

Sha la la!


Anonymous said...

oh. my. gah.

meeks. let me just say that i certainly hope that the Meeks don't inherit the earth. maybe middle earth. actually, they probably already have inherited middle earth, considering they are the only ones who know what the hell middle earth is. (what's my excuse? we're getting there...)

after moving to the great city of NYC, yours truly was jobless for a month or so. when i finally decided, hey i might have to move home if i don't get a job, i suddenly found myself gainfully employed at barnes & noble.the Meek's haven. i'm not saying that everyone who works there is a Meek. nor is everyone who shops there a Meek in their own way. but alot of the geeks that did work there were very exclusive in their geekdom. like, i legit was invited to play dungeons and dragons, but they wanted someone who would "really take the game seriously". actually, my co-workers weren't the worst of the meeks. it's the people who are shopping for some obscure poem in Cuneiform, treat you like dirt because you've never heard of it and you don't think the store carries it, then spit on you because you aren't the world's foremost Proust scholar.

so kudos to you, patsy, for bringing this creature, the Meek to light. (but knowing the Meek, they prefer small, dark places...like their parent's basement...or the inside of a school locker)

Anonymous said...

(insert bloggers anonymous real life name here), I am completely obsessed with you. You are hilarious, and I regret nothing more than our lack of a physical relationship. Seriously, can a bitch get more than a poke up in this heezzy?

p.s. Instead of going out and socializing, I spent the weekend in my room with a box of Franzia reading the literary gold that is KosherEucharist.com, and I think I'm in love.

love, the chuck who loves to f*ck!

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

OH patsy you look lovely as always.

I would take my nun coworkers any day over a meek.


Anonymous said...

Ah dear sister, so wise you are. And I must say you look lovely in your navy blue trench. I knew a meek in high school and she was the meanest girl ever. EVER. But dude, come on, if people were mean to you your whole life, wouldn't you be slightly cranky in return? PS - there is a fly old-school rap mix on the radio right now.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

thanks sis! i knew you'd like that jacket.

who's the meek?? did i know her?

and as far as feeling bad for the meek, i challenge you, what came first: the geek or the bully? i think the bully is a (natural) reaction to a geek being such a unpleasant douchebag. it's completely changed the way i watch "revenge of the nerds"...

xoxo, your sis Patsy

Anonymous said...

Did nobody else think of Liz Lemon in high school?

shelley said...

I thought of Liz Lemon in high school! ha ha hahahha.. but its been 2 mths since the last comment.. so .. well.. okedoke then.

MMc said...

i'm pretty sure your dice has 6, not 4 sides.

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