4.15.2009

Why The Peekaru is the End of Days.

Although I've been getting emails and twitter messages for quite some time now about The Peekaru, I've been hesitant to sit down and actually write something about it. It's just a big-ass can of worms that I don't know if I'm strong enough to open. I feel like if I were to start analyzing why I find The Peekaru so offensive, my heart might be all, "fuck this noise!", pack up his bags and exit through my asshole. And can I really blame him for not wanting to stick around and circulate blood so I can give The Peekaru more undeserved attention? No; I can not.

However, The Peekaru isn't going away; it's gaining momentum. One more obscure blog article by some schmo-ette blogger isn't going to make a lick of difference. So it's with a heavy heart and a Bayer aspirin by my side that I analyze the offensiveness of...The Peekaru.

Why The
Peekaru Brings us Down as a People and a Nation
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Right off the bat I'm going state explicitly that this product is so offensively unnecessary that it makes it hard for me to breathe. Every time I glance at it, my chest tightens a little bit more. I ask you this: if we entered another Ice Age today, what would archaeologists assume about our society 30 million years in the future upon discovering worthless products like The Peekaru? Answer? They would assume that we are the most simple motherfuckers to ever graze god's green earth. Our race would be called Doucheasapians. History textbooks would read:
"Doucheasapians roamed the earth 30 million years ago in the DaneCookazoic era. These early creatures were too busy masturbating with razors and watching The Hills to figure out how to operate simple blankets. Because Doucheasapians could not handle the complexity of blankets but needed the warmth they supplied, they developed Peekarus and Snuggies to stay warm while leaving their hands and arms free to exchange high-fives at bars playing Journey. They were a simple people with simple wants and simple needs."
And I mean, honestly, is it really necessary to cover over 95% of your child's body in fleece? I get that it's admirable to protect your child from the cold and nobody likes a baby-sicle, but isn't this a bit overkill? What sort of mysterious Arctic chill has gripped your random Pennsylvania town that you need to wrap your baby in head-to-toe material and protect it in a tent of your own body warmth? Isn't that called a womb? If your baby still needed to be protected from the elements by being trapped inside your person, don't you think Mother Nature would have let it cook for a few more months? It popped out for a reason. It's ready to wear Baby Gap and experience sunlight.

On a secondary level, this situation is just absolutely frightening to look at. My vagina already hurts every time I see a pregnant woman; I don't need a reminder that one day those fleece lips will one day be replaced by something else entirely more frightening and personal...

On a tertiary level, have some god-damn respect for you and yours. I can understand "function over fashion," but only to a certain point. It's the same point where I get off-board with Crocs, sneakers with business suits and rain ponchos: you look abso-fucking-lutely ridiculous. And you should care about that. But not only are you making yourself look like a jackass, you're making your child look like a total jackass
against his/her will! The Peekaru is essentially Snuggie-rape! And you have a natural born right to choose whether or not you want to subject yourself to The Snuggie. Don't take that right away from someone. Nevertheless family. That's just sick.

Finally, The Peekaru enrages me for the exact same reason that everything and everyone around me does: it's a stupid product that was invented by a stupid person who will be more wealthy and successful than I will ever be. Ever. Period. And I want to cry about it forever.

But, you know what? Fuck it! Fuck my current aspirations and dreams! I'm going to invent something totally pointless and idiotic and make millions of dollars! And then I'm going to fill my bathtub with hundred dollar bills and diamonds! And then I'm going to get in the bathtub and roll around until I'm covered in diamond-paper-cuts and bleed to death. Because that's how I've always envisioned my own demise.

SO! What to invent? Hmm...Well the Peekaru is basically just a slightly altered version of The Snuggie, so maybe I'll just slightly alter The Peekaru. I mean, that Peekaru kid's face is just hangin' out there in the cold. If you're going to commit to a stupid idea, I say go hard or go home. Thus, I give you the world's only full face Peekaru
The Womb Tomb!
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CHA-CHING!!!

40 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, but I maintain that that is a Teletubby.

liferehab said...

I adore you! The Peekaru... I didn't even know that exists. The snuggy, I can understand if you wear it at home, but there's no reason for a Peekaru at home, meaning you plan to wear it in public. And if you're wearing that in public... You truly are a doucanite (or whatever you called them, lol)

Talia said...

do you know what the "Peekaru" reminds me of? In Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls when Jim Carrey is inside of the mechanical Rhino and he needs air, so he pushes his way out of the Rhino's ass.. way to go Peekaru.

Anna said...

HAHA...im getting you one for your birthday. the present is, ill be your baby. you can carry me around always and forever. youre welcome!

Rachel said...

I dont even know what to do with this: "The Peekaru is essentially Snuggie-rape! And you have a natural born right to choose whether or not you want to subject yourself to The Snuggie. Don't take that right away from someone. Nevertheless family. That's just sick."
You are so funny Meg!!! I heart you....My office mate put on headphones to shut out my laughing...

Laura said...

All I can think is, what if you trip?! Also, this reminds me of that scene from Alien...

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

HAHA gross yet accurate call Talia. "Little hot in these rhinos..."Anna, if you get me a Snuggie, Tinge, Slanket or Peekaru for my birthday, I will burn it in effigy. BURN IT.

I do what the BumpIt, however:
http://www.bighappiehair.com/

No Faith In Humanity said...

amazing. i didn't think that thing was real. my soul hurts.

Brady said...

omg. I almost just vomited with laughter at the bump it commercial. dying.

JSauce said...

I was scrolling through my Google reader and came across your post/this picture, choked on my coffee, screamed a few obsenities, then peeked back and the picture again and promptly died.

WTF are people thinking? GAAAAH

Anonymous said...

ive always been against the baby backpack that people walk around with but this just takes it to another level. if youre not responsible enough to hold your own child you should not have crapped that thing out in the first place.

Patrick said...

The picture on the homepage of the Peekaru website with the child facing outward is just too disturbing for me to even begin to comprehend.

Just combine the Snuggie and Peekaru to make the Sneeggiru. Backwards blanket + kangaroo pouch = giant asshole, so you know people will be sure to buy it. I mean, who doesn't like looking like an asshole these days? (I'm looking at you Segway riders, bluetooth talkers, and miniature computer users).

OR, maybe there is a way to combine the Snuggie with a vibrator. I'll begin the drawings tonight.

Maggie said...

This is ridiculous! But not as bad as this:

http://www.pantalaine.com/

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Um, I think you're onto something with the Snuggie vibrator...

Anonymous said...

I wonder if these lazy parents will even feel the need to dress their kids since they can be kept so tasty warm in this "fleece womb". There may soon be an epidemic of naked babies going on.

Casey said...

It hurts my feelings that you assume Pennsylvanians invented/would subject their children to this abomination. Although I have seen many a Croc in my random PA town, and I was given a Snuggie for xmas, so maybe you're on to something.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I totally meant to harm to Pennsylvania. I needed to think of a state with a moderate climate and Pennsylvania was the first that came to mind. I SWEAR!

Abbie said...

What. The fuck. I just spent the last five minutes staring at this site: http://www.pantalaine.com/

Is it...for siamese twin-people? Or people who want to be siamese twins?

I'm afraid that the truth may be that people are making bank on sewing articles of clothing together to force physical contact. Is it really so hard to hug/touch other people voluntarily?

My face hurts from making this continued awful sour face for so long.

Beetlebum said...

good god you are hilarious.

maggie said...

http://www.pantalaine.com/supersweats.html

I…don't…understand. WHAT?!?!

If these really are for conjoined twins or whatever, I mean no harm, seriously.

But PLEASE!! Can someone explain??

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I wish I could explain it to you, but upon clicking that link, I had a heart attack and died.

My ghost will keep blogging, though.

Anonymous said...

'provisioners of america's finest plural clothing'

Alisha said...

Sadly, Pantalaine is based just 40 minutes from where I grew up in Indiana. The next time I'm home, I'm going to go slap the person(s) working at the Pantalaine Family Store.

jen toppe mctopperson said...

1- i cant believe there is a sweatshirt for two people. its a concept i dont get (its very jay and silent bob to me, if you will). what if one of you has to pee?? you take the sweatshirt off and both freeze for 5 minutes while one person goes to the bathroom and the other waits?!
2- i hope your kidding about the bumpit!! if you ever put that in your hair to add volume i would lose some serious respect for you
3- i dont make lists

Srav said...

The Peekaru was scary enough but the Womb Tomb is downright petrifying! Makes the little one look like an alien!

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CEggoXwoXEY

Emily said...

Never heard of Peekaru I'm just as sickened! Womb Tomb though that's pure brilliance haha!

Anonymous said...

http://www.pantalaine.com/couchdress.html

Seriously disturbing. I 100% agree with all your issues with the random shit people invent. I am from Canada but have satelite TV from the US and thought I was the only one with a Snuggie issue until I found you and your blog. Which by the way, has made for some uncomfortable situations laughing at your blog while on the phone with clients!

Keep it up! I live for your blog!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Oh no, you are not alone. You are safe here, friend.

Love always,
Meg's ghost

And Jen sadly I'm not kidding about wanting a BumpIt. Becca's boyfriend ordered her one for THEIR ANNIVERSARY, and she's going to give me one of the mini ones!........I'm sorry Jen, but if that's wrong, I don't want to be right.

Jenifer said...

meg, this is how i see it going down: your out at a bar and your looking extra hot because your hair has tons of volume. you get drunk, make out with a stranger, and end up back at his house. things are starting to get hot and heavy when he runs his fingers through your hair, only to get caught in your HEAD PIECE. how awkward. and you know how i feel about things that are awkward. this is exactly the same reason i won't wear spanks. no matter how much hotter i might look in them, the last thing i wanna be worrying about when making out with a hot guy is concealing embarrassing accessories before moving on to second base.

Sir Fantastic said...

"Doucheasapians roamed the earth 30 million years ago in the DaneCookazoic era. These early creatures were too busy masturbating with razors and watching The Hills to figure out how to operate simple blankets. Because Doucheasapians could not handle the complexity of blankets but needed the warmth they supplied, they developed Peekarus and Snuggies to stay warm while leaving their hands and arms free to exchange high-fives at bars playing Journey. They were a simple people with simple wants and simple needs."

-absolutely brilliant. man that's so hilarious.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Jen if you think I haven't hooked up wearing a hair piece before, you are DEAD WRONG.

One time I was gettin' hit from behind and Mr. Hittin' It pulled my pony tail. It didn't exactly stay stationary...

Rachel said...

Eric and I want a pantalaine for the after party at our wedding. hahahahaha. And by the way, the fake hair, who everyone knows I am A HUGE fan of reminds me of the episide of fresh prince where the girl takes off her hair, her nails, etc......thats How i feel...

Cassandre said...

This is all I'm going to say:

http://www.dumb-inventions.com/toilet-related/toilet-paper-hat/

jen toppe mctopperson said...

doesnt your mom read this blog?!?!?

"One time I was gettin' hit from behind..."

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

She does.

Point being?

Ashley said...

I just watched the bumpit video and died.

GSD Adventures said...

So happy to have found your blog - thats to Wiggs/The Beholder for her latest post and introducing you to a new world of readers.

Have a great one!

Sim said...

Another genius idea http://www.wearabletowel.com/

Bridget said...

WHAT THE FECK?

 
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