Recrap Tuesday: If I wrote The Hills

Soooooo to be completely honest with you, I didn't watch last night's episode of The Hills. I was busy at Alex's celebrating two momentous occasions: the first new episode of Gossip Girl in a month of Blair-less Sundays and Alex's triumphant victory over the GREs (as shown in this symbolic photo of Alex's GRE book in the trashcan and the champagne toast that followed:)

60 minutes of Gossip Girl, 1 bottle of champagne and 2 Benadryl later, the length of Lauren's side braid was the least of my concerns.

But that doesn't mean I'd leave you all high and dry without a recrap! And if there's anything I've learned from my painful and embarrassing addiction to Liz Gately produced television, it's that all you need to know about any given episode can be learned from watching it's preview from the week before. And luckily I totally saw last week's preview, which means I am completely up to speed with what's going on! So allow me to fill in the holes with what is probably somewhere in the neighborhood of what actually happened.

Our episode opens with Lauren and Audrina laying out at the pool/shopping on Melrose/drinking at a bar/eating tapas at an exclusive tapas bar with an ironic name/at the Dentist office where Audrina is getting her front teeth shaved down. Ooo! I like that last one. Let's go with that. SO! Audrina and Lauren have a heart-to-heart about what boYz and all the DramZ and how over it they are. I'm sure Lauren was probably all "Whatever, I'm just being true to myself and come what may," and Audrina's all "b0yZ suck!!" until they are interrupted
"Hi Audrina, I'm Dr. Cohen, I'll be administering your teeth reshaping today. Now I'm going to put this spacer in your mouth to give me better access to your front teeth, so just relax your hooves and open wide." Holding Audrina's little hand, Lauren realizes that Brody hasn't been on the show in like forevs forevs. "Have you seen Brody recently Audrina?" "ehhheehahheharheahhhhennt" Damn that spacer. "She said she hasn't seen him in like forevs forevs," says Dr. Cohen, quite used to translating dental procedure mumblings. "Huh. Weird. He's not answering my texts or phone calls. Wonder what's up?" "ayyyuuhhhoooo" Ugh Ok, now this is just getting old. "She said she doesn't know," Dr. Cohen explains, "But...alright look, you girls didn't hear this from me, but I heard that Brody and the boys are going on an all-Dude getaway to Mexico/Vegas/Miami/Fire Island this weekend. How funny would it be if you two just show up out of the blue and crash it?!" "OMGAWD, Dr. Cohen, that would be friggin' hilarious! God, why are Jewish people always the funniest people ever?!" "And the stingiest!" (Lauren, Audrina and Dr. Cohen into the camera at the same time:) L'CHIEM! (cue recorder doing a stereotypically Jewish-sounding wamp, wamp, waaaaamp! noise and fade to commercial.)

The last we left them, Spencer was refusing to go to couple's therapy with Heidi, and not much as changed since. In fact, they're not even talking to each other and sleep in separate rooms. Heidi claims the bedroom for herself and instructs Spencer that he'll be sleeping on the sofa tonight. "Ugh...I wonder what my power-couple name would be if I were to ditch Heidi and date Staci the Bartender," Spencer muses to himself as he drifts off to sleep on the couch, "Spenci the Fleshtender? Stencer Bratt? (yaaaaawn) Stency and the Jetts?..." Just as Spencer is about to drift off to sleep, he feels Heidi climb on top of him, her legs clutching his sides like a vice. "Heidi baby, not now, I'm tired." (BuZZzzzZZzzzz) "Babe, put your vibrator away and let me sleep." "It's not a vibrator Spencer, it's a razor. Well, technically it's a vibrator slash razor called the Tinge, which by the way, it's inventor has yet to get back to Meg from 2birds1blog about after he so rudely contacted her in the first place, but that is neither here nor there. Because Spencer, if you don't go to couples therapy with me, Fleshy the 'Stache gets it." (Zoom to dramatic close-up of the razor buzzing, zoom to dramatic close-up of Spencer's eyes, wide in horror and finally zoom to dramatic close-up of Fleshy the 'Stache) "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anything Heidi! I'll do anything! Just don't kill Fleshy! He's all I got in this two-bit-world! If the viewers aren't distracted by him, then they'll realize what a freakishly giant forehead and shitty attitude I have!" "Then you'll go to therapy with me?" "YES! FINE! I'LL GO!" (razor stops buzzing) "Ok, thanks! Good night sweetie! See you in the morning!" And with that, Heidi prances back into the bedroom for a peaceful night's sleep, while Spencer takes out a Barbie brush and begins to comb Fleshy to calm him down.

Meanwhile, Stephanie has started her new internship at Kelly Cutrone's People's Revolution. I think we can safely assume that she's going to completely fuck this one up. I'd like to imagine that on her first day she eats a box of envelopes like a billy goat and headbutts a model in the gut with her mighty horns. Kelly probably said something really insensitive yet truthful like, "Stephanie Pratt, you are an envelope eating billy goat and you need to get your shit together if you're going to last one more day around here, sweetheart." Stephanie probably then freaks out and looks for Lauren to wipe her tears and pick pieces of envelope out of her teeth, but as we know, Ms. Conrad has surprised Brody and his boyZ in Mexico with Audrina, and is thus no where to be found.

"Yo, dawg, homes it's so cool you cats like showed up here all uninvited like, dude," Brody slurs to Lauren, as they all take a cool night dip in the pool after a hot day in the Mexico/Vegas/Miami/Fire Island sun. "Yeah, well, it's really good to see you Brody," Audrina purrs, suddenly seeing Brody for the first time as the big, hulking, completely not-gay, sexual force of nature that he is. "Yeah, dude, you too Audrina. Homes you look different...did you do something different to, like, your mane or something dawg?" "No. I had my teeth shaved." And with those five magical words, Brody Jenner had fallen in love.

Back in LA, Spencer and Heidi went to their first meeting with their therapist. The thought of having to watch their session is enough to make me want to jog to Capitol Hill and kiss Alex on the lips for nailing the GREs so I could be too distracted to watch this episode. I'm going to take a wild guess and assume the session went like this, except times times 20 minutes longer:
Heidi: Stop cheating on me.
Spencer: No. Stop yelling at me.
Heidi: Not until you stop cheating on me.
Spencer: No. Now stop yelling at me.
Heidi: No.
Therapist: I'm going to go find a rope and a sturdy shower rod to hang myself from. Please leave your check on my desk and get out when the timer goes off.

Somewhere in Mexico/Vegas/Miami/Fire Island, Audrina has climbed into Brody's bed, naked, ready for him to come in and take her in his big, strong, totally-not gay arms and make a real mare out of her.

Back in Mexico/Vegas/Miami/Fire Island, Brody is about to open the door to his room when he senses what's about to happen and hesitates, possibly because according to a radio interview I heard circa Christmas time, he's seriously involved with a Playboy model, possibly not. Just then, there's a sudden ghust of wind and a cloud of smoke and glitter appear and disco whistles blare from every direction. "What's going on?!" Brody yells, as the stardust and glitter settle and the shadowy figure of a white leisure-suited man steps forward, "Hello, son," says the figure (waka-chika, waka-chika, waka-chika, waka-chika) "It is I, circa 1980 Can't Stop the Music Bruce Jenner. I have travelled through time and space to warn you that if you go into that room and make love to that horse, you will live to regret it and ruin your chances with the Playboy bunny you're banging." (step-touch-turn-clap-disco boogie!) "But, according to something I said on an episode of Bromance, we've never had a good relationship. I inferred that you've never been there for me!" "Well son," (hustle-hustle-step-turn-boogie lady!) "I'm here for you now. And I'm warning you, don't make it all the way with that horse! You shall live to regret it! Heed my warning son! I must go, my time in your realm is short," "No, dad! Wait, don't go!" "I must son! But remember don't lay lady lay her!" (strut, strut, turn, snap, poof of smoke and fade).

What will happen on the next episode of The Hills?? Does Brody get down on it with Audrina? Will Heidi and Spencer work it out in couples therapy? Will Lauren have to fire Stephanie? Stay tuned for next week's episode of The Hills...or just watch a preview online that will answer all of these questions now and save you a lot of time and boredom in the future.


~Jamie said...

You ALMOST nailed it dead on... except you forgot to mention Lo randomly entering into scenes and making goofy faces to pretend like she belonged there!

Wiggs (The Beholder) said...

Clearly MTV needs to hire you RIGHTNOW to write for the show. I'd pay money to watch that.

Patrick said...

A champagne toast with mason jars?

Keep it classy.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

It's a recession Patrick, a recession.

Alex said...

They have character!

And were also inherited from the previous occupant of the apartment. If any one wants to chip in for some proper flutes I would be eternally grateful!

Unknown said...

"while Spencer takes out a Barbie brush and begins to comb Fleshy to calm him down."

Hahahahahahaha I just choked on my dinner (one microwaved Lean Cuisine, woop woop)

Gayelle said...

This past friday, my friend Kim told me (as I searched frantically for a means of procrastination) to read this blog. Since then, I have gone through your archives, attempting to read every single post. I am currently in December 2008. That means at least 75 posts down, 3 almost pissing-my-pants fits, countless laughing-at-a-socially-unacceptable-volume outbursts, and many a smirk. For this reason, I thank you. My art history teacher may feel differently, but if she remarks on my apathetic rendition of a Barthes essay, I will point her yer way. She will understand.

Also, I have a really strong hatred for Meeks as well, culminating in this Meek telling me my shoes were "ridiculous and uncomfortable looking" and prompting my response of "sure, if you have fucking huge and unfashionable feet. oh wait!"

DZ said...

My dentist's name actually is Dr. Cohen. And he has a brother who is also a dentist...and also named Dr. Cohen. Love it!

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