Last night's episode of The Hills was about as eventful as taking your Nana out to lunch. Except at least at lunch there's a small chance Nana might not chew her corned beef thoroughly and start to choke. "I'M LOKING! LOW-KINGGG!" She'll shout at you while she clutches her throat. "I think she said she's choking!" the nosy bitch at the table next to you will interrupt. You'll then freak out and only be able to say "oh my gawd!" repeatedly and flutter your hands frantically until a skilled waiter comes over and busts out the Heimlich. After a few tries, the rogue piece of sandwich will come flying out of Nana's gullet and cannonball directly into your soup, sending matzoh and chicken broth flying all over your new DVF sundress. First Nana will feel flustered, then embarrassed and then resolve to take you shopping after lunch to get you a new shmatah because she just feels just terrible doll!
...Not only was that more action than Nana's seen in years but it was a helluva lot more action than the Hills delivered this episode.
Tonight's episode revolved around two equally boring and uneventful plot lines: the love triangle between Spencer, Heidi and Stacie the Bartender; and Stephanie's attempt to land a job at People's Revolution.
Let's start with Stephanie, shall we? Stephanie Pratt is my anit-drug. The next time I'm at a party and someone passes the bong my way, I'm going to take a moment, open the locket hanging around my neck, look deep into the eyes of Stephanie Pratt staring back, close the locket and say, "Naw man. That stuff's not cool. And you're not cool for doing it!" And then walk away righteously. Because I don't ever want to think it's acceptable to act the way Stephanie did in her interview with Kelly Cutrone.
After performing sexual acts on Lauren that are illegal in eight states, Stephanie got an interview for an internship position at Kelly Cutrone's fashion PR firm, People's Revolution. You know, a job that as Stephanie herself pointed out, hundreds of intelligent and capable young girls would die for. Being a Hillion, however, Stephanie was ushered to the top of the list of candidates and scored an interview with the almighty KCut herself. (Not before production had to stop filming to find Stephanie, who disappeared after chasing a feather that floated out of the door and down the street.) Once back, Stephanie proudly handed her resume (which was folded into thirds and stuffed in an envelope, what in the fuck was that?) to Kelly. Kelly took one look at her resume and excused herself to change her adult diaper; as she had shat herself out of disbelief. The rest of the interview went a little something like this:
Kelly Cutrone: "Sorry I just shat myself. It's just that I've never seen a resume as god-awful as this one in real life before."
Stephanie Pratt: "Yea, well, let me nutshell it for you: I want to design handbags and I think working for you will make it look more legit when I get a handbag deal from being on this show."
K: "So you're using me?"
S: "Yeah, pretty much. Oh, unless that means I won't get the job."
K: "Eh, well I'm contractually bound to give you the job anyway. Let me ask you a series of simple questions so you'll at least appear to be qualified. Can you put a sheet of labels into the printer, press print and then stick 'em on envelopes?"
S: "WOAH, WOAH, WOAH MRS. CUT-THRONE! These 'sheets' you speak of, are they linen or Egyptian cotton? And talk slow talk, I'm taking notes!"
K: "O...K...let's move on to another question: do you know your ass from a hole in the ground?"
S: "Like...specifically what kind of a hole in the ground? Ooo! I went to the Grand Canyon once! Or did I go to Grand Cayman?"
K: "Oh fuck this. You're hired. Lauren; if she fucks up, it's your funeral."
Sadly, things weren't going much better for old Heidi and Spencer. Heidi came back from her soul-searching trip in Colorado only to discover that Spencer has been seeing Stacie the Bartender. Heidi tries to confront Spencer, but Spencer is too livid that Heidi ran into her ex-boyfriend while out to dinner with her family to talk about it. Because, you know, having a threesome with Jose Cuervo and a slutty bartender doesn't hold a candle to saying "It's good to see you too," to your ex-boyfriend. God, Heidi. Keep your pants on, you fucking whore.
My favorite scene in this episode has to be when Spencer and Uncle Doug McConaughey are driving to club H. Wood, jamming out to their sicky-nar-nar tunes and talking Bro talk. First of all, this scene looks like it was shot using a camera that just wrapped a snuff film. Second of all, at one point the camera cuts to Uncle Doug McConaughey, who has his eyes closed and is swaying back and forth to the music like he just took a few too many hits of ex. Apparently the same person who forgot to tell Uncle Doug that Ecstacy hasn't been cool since 1998 also forget to tell Spencer that Heidi had plans to swing by the club to see what Spencer's up to.
And Spencer was up to his neck in pussy. Specifically Stacie the Bartender's. And there's no way you're going to get him to go to a couple's therapist to talk about his Stacie-the-Bartender-pussy-addiction. So, maybe, juuuuust maybe, Heidi might actually think about considering the possibility of weighing the pros and cons of leaving Spencer, someday. Fin.