4.01.2009

April Fool's Day and Michael Showalter

April Fool's Day is the absolute worst. Well, that's a lie, New Year's Eve is the absolute worst, but April Fool's Day is certainly up there. I just can't get behind a holiday that celebrates making people look stupid and embarrassed. That's my reality all day everyday, do we really need a holiday celebrating that? In fact, if you could all do me a personal favor and not play a single April Fool's prank on someone today, that would be great. I really appreciate it. And if you already have played a prank on someone this morning, I want you to do the following:
1.) Bring a chair into the nearest bathroom stall.
2.) Stand on said chair.
3.) Lift the rear band of your underwear up and out of your pants.
4.) Place the band over the stall's door hook behind you.
5.) Kick the chair away from you.
6.) Dangle.

Feel that? That's from me to you. And you're welcome.

This April Fool's day marks the one-year anniversary of me turning my back on my destiny, and for that reason, this is a particularly painful AFD for me. So friends and family, please be aware that if you do decide to play a prank on me, I will kick you in the testicles. Regardless if you have them or not.

You see, I am convinced that actor/comedian/writer Michael Showalter and I are meant to be. If Dr. Dre is my soul mate and John McCain is my guardian angel, than Michael Showalter is my one special someone. Here's why:
- The Baxter (which he wrote, directed and starred in) is a large part of why I moved to Brooklyn (it is also a supremely underrated movie. "Ask her to dance Elliot." Holy shit, I cry every time.) I remember sitting Chris down two summers ago, popping in The Baxter and being like, "LOOK! LOOK AT THIS MAGICAL LAND THEY CALL BROOK-LAND! LET US GO THERE AND FLOURISH!" Of course we should have stabbed each other in the heart instead of going through with it, but how were we supposed to know our landlord would turn out to be a psychotic ex-Marine über patriot? The fact remains that Michael Showlater has touched my life, and I would like to touch him in return.
- I appreciate his sense of humor so deeply. I get it. I get you Michael. I get you, and I applaud you.
- Jean Claude van DAMN THAT MAN IS FINE! There it is. The heart of the matter.
- We both have Jewish mothers and Christian fathers. HALF-BRED JINX!
- This means that technically he's Jewish, so on some level he must be looking for a nice Jewish girl to fall in love with. Welp. What Jewish gal has two thumbs, a heart of gold, a rack as big as the Gaza? This girl.
- He's a writer, I'm (sort of) a writer!
- He's funny, I'm (occasionally) funny!
- He was in a movie about Jew camp, I was waitlisted from Jew Camp!

As you can see, we're clearly made for each other. When I moved to Brooklyn, I put a little something I called "Operation M! F.I.L.M." (Michael! Fall in Love w/ Meg) into full effect. I promised myself, that I would meet Michael Showalter. And I would talk to him. And thus, we would fall in love.

Which brings us to April Fool's Day 2008. It was a Wednesday, which meant that the magazine was going to print and I had to wait around the office all day for last minute photos and articles that needed to be layed out. At approximately 3:30pm, I realized that I hadn't eaten all day and I was starting to feel a little dizzy. I ducked out of the office and ran to get lunch at my usual spotCaf
é Charlie on East 40th between Fifth and Madison. Now on any other day, I'd get my usual small cup of chicken gumbo, but because I was so blindingly hungry, I broke away from tradition and ordered a large bowl of gumbo to-go. What I was handed what can only describe as a vat of gumbo, that I was one-part embarrassed of and one-part extremely excited to eat.

Moments later, I was standing outside of Caf
é Charlie on East 40th struggling to put the change I had just received into my wallet while balancing my recently purchased gumbo, spoon and bottle of water. Suddenly, an attractive man smoking a cigarette hooked a right from Madison onto 40th and started strolling towards me. "Shit, that guys hot," I innocently thought to myself. "I dig the scruffy facial hair and sunglasses. Wait, that guy looks familiar. Why does he look familiar? Why is he so hot?" And then I realized: It was Michael Showalter. He was standing three feet away from me. It was go-time for Operation M! FILM...And I fucking failed. I didn't say a god-damn word to him. Instead I just stood there like a jackass staring with big squirrely coke-eyes, spoon danging from my mouth, bottle of water shoved between my legs and a comically large tub of gumbo in hand. He walked past me, into an office building and out of my life.

Had I said just one thing to him, I am convinced my life would be completely different right now. I'd be starring in a successful and critically acclaimed husband/wife comedy act touring the nation's hottest clubs instead of being stuck in this hell hole doing data entry and stealing pita chips and toilet paper to sustain my life.

What's worse is that absolutely no one believed me that this happened. Knowing of my love and admiration for the Showalter, they thought it was just another stupid April Fool's joke. In fact, I'm 98% sure that Chris still doesn't believe me, even though a year has passed and I've sworn upside down and sideways that it really happened.

So thanks a lot April Fool's Day jokesters. Thanks for ruining it for the rest of us. I'll be in my office not having sex with Michael Showalter should you need me for anything not-prank related.

14 comments:

Rachel said...

For all of yo ulike me, that have no idea who he is....http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0795290/
Love you meg!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I am offended on behalf of him for you not knowing who he is.

OFFENDED!...Slash love you too.

Indy said...

When we first started hanging out together, this morning, we were just friends; but things change, and I've fallen in love with you. I just know that if you gave me a chance, I could make you feel so good. So I am coming, not as your buddy, and not as a co-counselor, but for the first time as a man - a man who loves a woman, and who wants to hold her and provide for her and, yes, have sex with her; but no, seriously, Katie, I love the way you laugh and I love the way your hair smells and I love it that sometimes for no reason you're late for shul, and I don't care that you're bowlegged and I don't care that you're bilingual - all I know is that I would have said no to every single person on your list because I've always wanted you.
What is not to love about Showalter?

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

That's what I'm saying!

miss toppe the third said...

thank you rachel for the link, because i too never even heard of this guy.

Anonymous said...

He's pushing 40, I'm sure he'd be down for some hot 20-something tail. I think seeking him out and saying so probably couldn't hurt.

Patrick said...

I also hate April Fool's Day because my Mom always freaking gets me.

When I was younger, she would do the classic rubberband on the sink hose thing and soak me before heading out the door for school.

One year she took my car battery out of my car in the morning before I had to go to school.

This year she called and told me that my parents were moving because some guy offered to give them above value on their home that isn't even for sale.

Ugh, I even prepared for today and still got pulled into her hijinks.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Anonymous- You bring a good point to the table. I'll see what I can do.

Patrick- If my mother took the battery out of my car before school (or before 12pm at all,) I would punch her in the mouth as hard as I could. Repeatedly.

Anna said...

I hate those amazing NY sightings gone bad when you realized you wanted to say something but your vocal chords won't let you.

2 years ago I saw Kramer AND Seinfeld strolling through the W. Vill together, about 5 feet away from me. Larry David is like my Michael Showalter, and about 1,000 things went running through my head that I could yell, like, 'DOLORES' or 'Newman' and I said not a word.

And yeah April Fools day sucks.

Jennie said...

if you have not seen this show- i HIGHLY recommend netflixing it immediately... its called Stella and was on comedy network for one season and stars michael ian black, david wain and michael showalter... seriously one of my top 5 shows...

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Oh I'll do you one better, I have it on DVD.

Who says love don't cost a thing?

Anonymous said...

dear meg-

from michael showalter's twitter:

"News flash: Michael Showalter is officially a "cat lady." I have three cats now. They all crashed in my bed last night. I'm a cat lady."

yet another reason... <3

Caitlin said...

I'm still giggling over the stealing pita chips and toilet paper comment.

Jenny said...

I just saw this, and Meg I have to let you know that I share your deep abiding love for Michael Showalter, which I let him know when I followed him off the subway at Union Square one time a few years ago. He was some combination of tolerant and bored as I professed my intense admiration and appreciation for his role in my life. This was obviously not the reaction that I had expected (to be clear, he was supposed to invite me to grab a drink so we could talk about our experiences at Jew camp and what color running/booty shorts look the best with pale/translucent Ashkenazi skin). I hope when you meet him it yields a better (less emotionally bankrupting) result.

 
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