3.02.2009

Team Hug John McCain 2009

[My standard John McCain preface: Before you get your panties in a twist, let me reiterate: I love John McCain, I do not love John McCain's politics. I am a registered Democrat. I voted for Barack Obama. I just happen to love John McCain. Back off. Kthnx.]

If you only know two things about me, I want you to know the following:
1.) I love John McCain. A lot.
2.) I'm a dreamer and a schemer. It's a vicious and generally fruitless cycle that goes as follows:
- Step 1: Think of a random and lofty goal that will be entertaining, yet in no way helpful to my life (i.e. go on a kayaking trip with Barry Bostwick.)
- Step 2: Convince myself that I can so totally make this happen.
- Step 3: Get encouragement from my friends.
- Step 4: Spend an obsessive amount of time and energy researching how to make this happen.
- Step 5: Get bored, give up, and go back to Step 1.

That being said, there is one dream of mine that I have yet to give up on, and frankly don't think I ever will. True, I took a slight break from my obsessive research and such, but thankfully my passion was re-ignited at a recent dinner party and now I'm more fired up than ever!
I, Meghan C. McBlogger, will hug Senator John McCain before the end of 2009.
I feel no need to justify why I love J McC more than I already have in previous posts, but today has provided me with yet another reason to be all about him: I'm at work right now. And it's bullshit. Have you been outside today?! It looks like the level in Donkey Kong that gets progressively more snowy and windy, making it difficult to jump from barrel to barrel and yet I'm somehow expected to jump in a barrel and shoot myself off to work? I think not! This is DC! We're a district of house cats who don't like to get our paws wet. Apologies to the almighty Lord Obama and his decree that DC is full of pussies because he's from Chicago-land where they bar-b-que and wear Bermuda shorts in this kind of weather. So now we're all embarrassed and trying to man up, so I had to come into work today. Thanks a lot asshole. That wasn't the kind of change I signed up for. However, something tells me that if a little old man from the sunny state of Arizona were in charge, I'd be in bed all cozy in my Jack Daniels pajamas, sipping an Irish Coffee, watching Center Stage right now. GAWD!

I spent all weekend brainstorming about ways to make Hug John McCain 2009 become a reality and I've come up with a few ideas. Here's what I've got so far:
  • Contact J McC via twitter and explain that I'm not a crazy fan who's going to carve things into her face for him or anything (thanks for ruining it for the rest of us Obama Girl,) I just want to tell him I think he's a great American and get a hug. No more, no less. The problem with this plan is that although I'm following J McC on twitter, he's not following me so I can't send him a private message. Also, the odds are pretty high that a helper monkey runs his twitter for him, so this plan might be pretty pointless.
  • Email the contact address on his website. Sadly, there's a 99.7% chance that if the email ever does see the light of day, it will be read by a jaded intern who'll forward it to the rest of his internship program with the subject: THIS B!TCH IS CRAZY! That or the helper monkey will trash it.
  • Hit up my friends who work on Capitol Hill. This seems like the obvious answer given my location, except that I really only know people who work for Democrats. That really doesn't help me here. Also I'm not sure if anyone is willing to exhaust their Rolodex for the sake of my slightly off-putting third-grade shenanigans. I guess I get that.
  • Ask my aunt to hook it up. My aunt's like all important and shit, right? She's the right hand-man to a more important person, who's website prominently features praise from non-other than Johnny McCrizzle himself! However, as much as my aunt loves me, I don't think she loves me enough to ask her boss to convince John McCain to hug me. I am more than willing to make this my birthday and Hanukkah present for the rest of my life though. Which is a good deal because it won't cost her anything! Except for her credibility, I guess. And dignity. And career. Ugh. Blood is thicker than water, my ass.
  • Seduce one of McCain's staffers into hooking it up. Unfortunately I can think of a lot of adjectives to describe myself and "seductress" isn't one of them.
  • Buy a ticket and attend a McCain fundraising dinner. I think this is a pretty decent idea, but according to Alex, it doesn't guarantee that J McC will be there, nevertheless even talk to me. Frankly, that's a risk I'm willing to take, but I can't find a McCain fundraising dinner to save my life. And even if I do, the odds are pretty high that a ticket will cost a few thousand dollars. I mean, I love him, but I'm not in love with him...
  • Establish residency in Arizona, join the Army, get sent to Iraq, shoot myself in the ass with a handgun, blame it on an Iraqi insurgent, return to the US, write a touching letter to McCain, get a hospital visit and hug. This, sadly, is actually the most promising plan I have thus far.
So that's where the dream stands. Alive and well. If you know anyone who can help me out, whether it’s with a connection in the Senate or a good deal on some land in Arizona, you know my email (meg@2birds1blog.com). Thank you, God bless America and God bless Team Hug John McCain 2009!

13 comments:

Rachel said...

blogs like this make me love you more than I already do, even when I didnt know it was possible....

Anonymous said...

Have you tried becoming friends with his daughter on facebook or myspace? If she is willing to beome friends with Heidi and Spencer to giver her dad a young gen following, then I think she could support your need to receive a hug.

*Jac* said...

This morning while cleaning off my car, I was totally cursing Obama for telling DC we're a bunch of wimps for closing down because of snow. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be warm and dry and not have to clean snow off your car at 6am.

Elizabeth said...

John McCain came to one of the Georgetown basketball games earlier this year, and I know a lot of my friends at least got handshakes if not hugs so you could try hanging out at games in hopes of seeing him

Anonymous said...

Thank you miss mcblogger for my daily dose of laughter... I can always count on you to make 5 mins of my work day enjoyable.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Rachel - <3

Anon - That's not a bad idea...I mean, she seems cool, right? I wrote very positive things about her. I also wrote very negative things about her mother and adopted sister, but whatevs, right?

Jac - RIGHT?! Christ!

Elizabeth - Was that a one time deal or does he frequent hoya games? Also if I borrow your student ID can I get in for free? And if so, can I borrow your student ID?

Anon 2 - You're welcome!

Bec. said...

I would help if i could, but i can't. Also, i do think that McCain would crumble into a pile of fine dust if someone hugged him.

But don't let that stop you- good luck!

Elliot said...

1. Find a friend from Arizona who has a decently wealthy or well-off family. Slowly pressure friend to invite his family to visit DC.
2. Suggest they try to get an appointment to meet McCain. (It'd be helpful if they were Repubs, and also if they timed their visit to when Congress was in session.)
3. Days before, explain that you like McCain and that you'll just happen to be in Hart or whichever Senate building that day, and ask to tag along.

Not foolproof, but a risk-free shot at it, at least. Good luck in your goal, and please keep being hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Go to Russell Building stand by the Capitol Subway and wait for him to walk by on the way to vote.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

GOOD THOUGHTS ALL AROUND TEAM!

Sassy said...

BARRY BOSTWICK! KAYAKING! I care not for this mccain plan, can't you make the barry bostwick one happen instead? and bring me?

if not, good luck anyway. I want you to get to hug mccain before he dies/gets osteoarthritis and can't reciprocate.

Anonymous said...

You should contact his daughter and maybe she can help facilitate!!!

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