Recrap Tuesdays: because no one in your office watches this shit.

The City
As recapped by Chris
week’s episode of The City is all about trust. As in, “Olivia, you have a trust fund, why do you pretend to have a job?” No, seriously, this episode of The City got rull serious. I mean, there was semi-confrontation between Heidi Waldorf and our girl Whit. Jay maybe cheated on Whitney. THERE MAY HAVE BEEN A TEAR ON WHITNEY’S CHEEK! Let the record state, however, that there were no black streaks on Whitney’s face (LC, I’m looking at you). But you and I know that the only thing better than edited bitchiness on The City is actual bitchiness on:

The Shitty

[scene: DVF]

Whit: Oh, I have a job? I almost forgot; I haven’t been here in a while.

Olivia: Yea. I’ve been here the whole time. Working. Because I do this. A LOT. ::answers phone upside down:: Hello? Hello? Must be a wrong number.

Boss Lady: So I have an assignment for you, and I can’t believe MTV made me give this job to you two, but try and find pull some looks for the cover of Elle magazine. Think spring and Jessica Alba.


Olivia: So I found this dumpy olive green dress, I thought it screamed spring. It’s perfect.

Whit: What about...

Liv: No that sucks.

Whit: But I just thought...

Liv: When have you ever thought? Put it back.

Whit: But maybe we can…

Liv: Ugh, fine. I’ll humor you. Put it on the rack. But I’m in no way happy with this outfit choice and if it gets picked I will barf. More so than I already do.

[scene: Erin’s apt]

Erin: Hey Allie! Whoa. I know you’re going through some stuff, but I didn’t realize that stuff was Kurt Cobain’s wardrobe. Maybe go home and change?

Allie: I can’t go home! Don’t you get it?! Things happened. I moved out. It’s like I’m practically dead to Adam. You couldn’t tell by the constant whine in my voice?

Erin: Well. Yea, now that you mention it. Listen, I’m glad to help and all that. But really, is anything really wrong? I mean, I thought this plotline was resolved by you moving out?

Allie: OMG I love this jersey gown you’re wearing! It’s very the Oscars meets a college dorm room!

Erin: OMG thanks! Wait a minute...

[scene: Double Crown]

Whitney: Btdubs Jay, when are you getting the fudge out of my apartment?

Jay: What babe? Yea. Um, you know. Whoa, is that Miley Cyrus at the bar? No, I guess those are real Asians.

Whitney: What? Are you even listening to me? I want you out of my apartment.

Jay: Yea, respect. Right. I’m not going to not disrespect you while I’m using your place as my post-coital hangout. Relax. Check please?

[scene: DVF]

Olivia: Whit, you look crazy in those…what are those anyway, parachute pants? God, you can’t even pick out clothes for yourself, let alone for the cover of a magazine. I’m so glad I chose other outfits for the Elle cover.

Boss ladies: So here’s the cover of Elle. You guys did great? Who picked out this look?

Whit: I...

Liv: ME! It was me, all me, no one else but me! Whitney went to the bathroom and while she was washing her hands, I single-handedly picked out this outfit because I think it’s just amazing and it works with the lighting and everything. It’s just so…Alba.

(At this juncture, I cannot improve on the poetry that is the edited shots of Whitney’s face. I’ll try and find a picture for you, because it is the perfect look of surprise, shock, and anger.)

Boss ladies: Well, great job. Both of you. But mainly Olivia. Whitney, did you forget to brush your hair?

Whitney: Ye..no..But..I..but…

Olivia: Well, I’m so glad I picked that outfit. Styling is my life after all. I mean DVF! Working at DVF! That’s what I do!

[scene, some bar I didn’t catch the name of but could easily have DVR’d if it actually mattered]

Allie: How was it working with Olivia on that proj?

Allie: Oo, what a bitch?

Sam: I know right?! She’s a bitch! ….I’m still irrelevant, aren’t I?

Whitney: Guys, I don’t even know. She totally stole my idea and paraded it around like it was her own. She didn’t even like that jacket I picked. I almost confronted her, but then I remembered that I was on television, and the good people at home certainly wouldn’t want to see that.

Allie: Definitely.

Erin: Yea, totally. Whatever you do, do NOT play dirty.

Allie: Because stooping to her level is bad for ratings.

Sam: So how’s Jay?!

Erin: Whoa, Sam. Relax, you still have very little reason to be here. But no, do tell Whit. How is Jay?

Whit: Weeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllll, not good. Girls, I have needs. And when he comes home at 5 AM, drunk as a skunk on some junk in my trunk, I can’t even get him to do it. A girl has needs, Erin, I know you know what I’m talking about! This just isn’t going to work out.

Allie: Well, Jay’s a rockstar and he’s living the rockstar life.

Whit: Jay is NOT a rockstar. He’s in a shitty band that rhymes with Bananarama and everytime I hear their name I can’t stop singing “Cruel Summer.” His last gig was at a “coat-giving fundraiser” thrown by one of my co-workers. It might as well have been a cat fashion show. He is NOT a rockstar.

[scene, Bro-Yelling with Adam and Jay, Pink Elephant]

Adam: How’s the ball and chain?

Jay: Wait, really? This coming from the guy who kicked me out to live with his girlfriend? No no, I’ll forgive you because I can’t say sleazy shit like “I don’t have to take her out to get some nookie” to anyone else but you.

Adam: Speaking of ball and chain, I miss Allie. I don’t want to have to chase random girls every night. I guess this means we broke up? Although I’m not sure I know when that happened. Oh btdubs, Danielle is over there.

Jay: Jackpot! ::chugs liquid confidence:: Sup Danielle?

Danielle: Nothing. Just chilling.

Jay: WHAT?!


Jay: WHAT?! ::old Godzilla movie style dubbing:: Do you want to get out of here? (Note: did anyone else notice this poor dub job, or is it just me? Danielle could have answered “of course” to literally anything.)

[scene: DVF luncheon]

Olivia: So anyway, as I was saying, I pulled this outfit for the cover and I think it looks so great. The lighting is amazing. And everything is just perfect. Don’t you think so effeminate Asian man?

EAM: Yes! This is fabulous! Everything is just fabulous! Congratulations!

Whitney: I swear, if she says one more thing about that damn cover, I’m going to claw her eyes out with my blue fingernails. Whoa, wait. Why ARE my fingernails this color blue? Who let me near the Crayola 96 while I was painting my nails?

Olivia: This jacket was the first one I saw…

Whitney: ARGH! That’s it!!

[scene: Joe’s Ginger]

Whitney: Anyway, Olivia was being a total bitch and..you aren’t listening again are you?

Jay: Yea babe. Totally.

Whitney: Then I Criscoed myself up and slid down the table into Jessica Alba and we tongue-kissed…

Jay: Oh I know. G’day mate. Another shrimp on the barbie?

Whit: I knew you weren’t listening!

Jay: Sorry babe, I’m just so tired. Out until 6 AM, you know? ::wink::

Whit: Ugh, that explains why your hair is so greasy. And why did you just wink at me? And why did you take me to a crappy Chinatown diner for a romantic dinner? Something’s not right…

[scene: Amy’s Bread]

Allie: Whit, I love that color on you! It’s so mid 80’s bridesmaid. Anyway, how are you?

Whit: Not good. Jay is being a total douche and I’m just letting him.

Allie: I know, right? I feel the same about Adam. Oh by the way, and I just thought you should know, Danielle was at the club last night. Adam told me. So I guess maybe we didn’t break up?

Whit: I just…that’s…well now I know what he was doing until 6 AM. Like he’d even last that long. Ugh. I just try to be a good person, but I don’t want to get ::tear?:: walked all over.

::Whit wipes faces and looks at her hand to make sure she did learn her lesson from The Hills::

And, scene.

Stayed tuned for next week’s episode where Jay finally goes the way of the dodo. And also the kangaroo. And the dingo. And other assorted hairy Australian creatures.


m. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
m. said...

Apparently I have no idea how to comment. Anyway. As I was attempting to say, I don't even watch the City anymore because this recap is a million times more entertaining. Kudos.
P.S. fave line: "it's so mid 80s bridesmaid." yes.

Anonymous said...

wow..i almost did not recognize that Asian-American girl.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Um. "Choking on Nuts" is the greatest thing I've ever heard.

Anonymous said...

Just discovered your blog and love your recaps :-)

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