3.05.2009

Seriously, Snuggie. Behave yourself.

Although I've already expressed the burning hatred I harbor for the Snuggie and all those who deem it "funny" or "good" idea, I'm going to address it again. During my first anti-Snuggie tirade at Thanksgiving dinner (when I dropped f-bombs left and right and called my sister less of a human being for wanting one,) I was reacting solely to the stupidity of the concept of a Snuggie. Four months later, I'm offended by so much more than just the concept. It has become this incredibly complex metaphor for why I hate society and why I will always be unsuccessful in life.

Why I Hate the Snuggie: An Analytical Essay
  • On the primary level, the Snuggie basically offends me because it's just a genuinely fucking stupid idea. If I could go on a college lecture tour discussing and dissecting the various (and valid) points I could make about why it's a genuinely fucking stupid idea, I would quit my job and do so. Because I've expanded on why I think it's a genuinely fucking stupid idea before, I'll nutshell it for you: The act of snuggling involves grasping a blanket with two hands, pulling the blanket over you resulting in a "fortress of warmth" created over and around your body; sleeves break said barrier and negate the need for the action of cuddling into the blanket, which is what makes snuggling snuggling in the first place. As a corollary, if you eliminate these subtle nuances of snuggling, you eliminate all elements of romanticism as well. At it's very core, the Snuggie is just unnecessary, unflattering and serves as an example of our country's corporate predatory mindset which takes advantage and exploits our economical fears by marketing frivolous expenses as helpful, if not necessary, purchases to gain fiscal responsibility.
  • On the secondary level, I'm offended that people are beginning to publicly wear the Snuggie. New York Times reporter Allen Salken recently wrote an article about his experience wearing a Snuggie out and around New York City because the Snuggie commercial says it's "great for the outdoors." You, sir, are a fucking moron and this article was a flagrant waste of ink, paper and pixels. As even Salken recognizes, the Snuggie commercial shows a family wearing Snuggies at an outdoor sporting event as well as camping to illustrate that the product is "great for the outdoors." They clearly meant that the Snuggie is a great blanket alternative for the outdoors. So in instances where it would be appropriate for one to wear a blanket outdoors, the Snuggie suggests that you instead wear a Snuggie. If this is the case, then why are people trying to wear Snuggies publicly when a blanket would not be appropriate? This isn't the Snuggie people's fault, it's society's fault (New York Times reporters included) for being dumb as fuck. Salken walked around the city streets, rode the subway, went ice skating and went to a bar all while wearing the Snuggie. Now I ask you sir, when in any of those instances would it be appropriate to wear a full blanket? "Oh, well, I mean you get cold ice skating, I can understand wanting to wrap something warm around yourself!" Congratulations, you just invented the pashmina, scarf and wrap. Need sleeves? Put on a jacket, asshole.
But Salken isn't the only person idiotic enough to take the Snuggie's claims literally and step out in one, idiots are gathering in masses to go on Snuggie pub crawls! What in the fuckity fuck is going on here?! I would love for someone to explain the point behind this one to me. Why would someone (who's not homeless) ever wear a blanket at a bar? They wouldn't. So why are you wearing a Snuggie? And likewise, why would you walk to and fro the bars in a blanket? You wouldn't. You'd wear a jacket. So why are you fucking wearing a god damn Snuggie? Now, I love me a good pub crawl, please don't get me wrong. And I've worn some interesting things on said crawls in my day including, but not limited to, a slutty pirate costume, so please don't think I'm too pretentious to "get it." I get it. "It's" just fucking stupid. I can only justify the Snuggie pub crawl phenomena as an easy way for douche bags to meet other douche bags in their area. It's like the 20-something equivalent to the lame frat at your school having a mixer with the fat chick sorority. And it wasn't cool then and it's not cool now.
  • Finally, on a tertiary level, I am offended by what the Snuggie phenomena says about our society. Our society rewards stupidity, and the Snuggie is just another brick in the wall. Jessica Simpson can't figure out if she's eating chicken or tuna, so her career is reborn? Paris Hilton is essentially a human blow-up doll and she doubles her inheritance? A couple of stoners are sitting around high as cats, too lazy to take their arms out from underneath their blanket to grab the bong and, what, a couple of millionaires are made and the Snuggie phenomenon born?! It's infuriating! Why do we reward such stupidity?! And on a selfish personal note, this whole Snuggie situation is just a microcosm for why I will always be unsuccessful. Look at this blog. I stay up until 2 o'clock in the morning five times a week to produce substantial content on a daily basis. Where has this gotten me? Tired! But slap some in "Engrish" on a picture of a cat stuck ass backwards in a fridge or create a blog for stupid spoiled whores to vent about not getting a new handbag for sucking cock and BADA-BING-BADA-BOOM----INSTANT BOOK DEAL! That's not hard work, that's stupidity, and why oh why do we reward such stupidity? Did you know that my sister has both a Snuggie and a Slanket? What in the fuckity fuck is going on in this world!?!!

...I feel like my T-cells are on fire from writing this entry. I'll be curled up in a little ball on the floor rocking gently if you need me.

39 comments:

rachel said...

Remember when you told me you were going to go the pub crawl and throw red paint on everyone. AHAHA. I am, however, an owenr of a slanket, so I will pretend this rant is adressed only to the snuggie. NOT the slanket.

*Jac* said...

A few months ago I would have completely agreed with you on this Snuggie Rant, but now.. well, call me a sheep, but I want one! Especially if there are Snuggie pub crawls. Where are these happening and why wasn't I invited?!

Kimmy In The City said...

see, on one hand I'm glad things like this exist just so I have something to complain about and lose hope in society all at once.

but nonetheless, the snuggie is absurd and I won't back a backward robe!

m. said...

God, I hate DABA so, so much.

Patrick said...

I hate the snuggie with every fiber of my being. I tried using my friend's snuggie and I felt like a complete ass hat. I'm pretty sure I had the same look on my face that a dog shows when you put them in a Halloween costume.

Laura said...

Perfection.

Choking-On-Nuts said...

"luxurious fleece"=100% polyester=highly flammable. The good thing is that you'll be able to stop,drop,and roll without any trouble.

Wiggs (The Beholder) said...

I love you so much. This is hilarious. And I agree with you - it sucks to put a ton of effort into a high-quality blog (or anything else) and then watch the idiotic plebes make it big.

At least there's still hope - Sarah Palin's "folksy" dumbass-talk didn't end up working for her in the end.

emcee said...

First: I hate them both. Why would anyone pay for either when you can put on your bathrobe backwards. Or a fucking sweater. But really, and please excuse my stupidity, what the eff is the difference between a snuggie and a slanket? (and who can we shoot who came up with the names? like...slanket? seriously?)

Casie said...

I have been invited on a Snuggie Pub Crawl and flatly said NO. The only good thing I can see from the Snuggie Pub Crawl is that it will help me to avoid the morons that not only bought a Snuggie but thought it's a great thing to wear out in society. Thank you for this blog rant. One word for it: hilarious.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Comrades! Comrades all around!

John said...

I have nothing profound to say. Just I love your blog and it is now required daily reading!

Smash said...

i snorted wine out of my nose 3 times while reading this. you are so effing funny. i heart you,for this post and for the one listing reasons for living in dc (chocolate city, what what!).

and yes, i drink wine mid-day.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

If you're going to snort anything through your nose, it might as well be wine? Sorry. That was a weak argument. I just respect the hell out of you for drinking mid-day.

And much love to John. <3

Anonymous said...

My boss wants to do a snuggie bar crawl.
-T.money

Meghan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Meghan said...

You deserve a book deal.

Caitlin said...

A-MEN! It's like, with all humans have accomplished, we can successfully use a blanket when we're cold!? Come ON.

The other day at work I was looking up corporate gift ideas for a client. Yes, you can now order CORPORATE SNUGGIES. If my boss ever gave me one of those, I might just quit on those grounds.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

corporate snuggies? GAHHHH I HATE THIS!!!!!

And thank you for saying I deserve a book deal Meghan!

Evan said...

I too share your absolute (and in my case sometimes violent) hate for the Snuggie but my hate stems more from the fact that somehow corporate America has managed to convince us that this Snuggie is anything other than a backwards bathrobe with the belt missing. Seriously. I challenge all you Snuggie owners out there to grab the terrycloth bathrobe you already had before you wasted your money, slip your arms into it with the open part at your bag (i.e. the same way you put on those god-awful hospital gowns) and tell me you aren't wearing your very own homemade Snuggie. I double dare you.

And as a bonus, once you put on this homemade Snuggie, you'll probably find you have a belt with which to secure it behind your back to make moving around the house (or local bar, *sigh*) so much more convenient. There is a part of me that truly believes that i'll be watching Golden Girls late an night and see an infomercial for the NEW and IMPROVED Snuggie, now with belt included!

Abby said...

Owning a Snuggie has officially gone on my "Deal breaker" list.

Wiggs (The Beholder) said...

Watch Oprah today if you have a chance - she's got the Snuggie guy on as a guest. Apparently he's made $60 million. Vomit.

Becky said...

OMG, I know. This is freaking me out because until very recently I didn't even know about the Snuggie, then that NYT article shocked me out of my complacency and forced me to blog about it.

And now I'm realizing this Snuggie in public thing is way more widespread than I thought. I blame hipsters. Or should I be blaming lazy people? I am really confused.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

60 MILLION DOLLARS FOR TURNING A ROBE BACKWARDS?

I. FUCKING. QUIT.

cait said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h05ZQ7WHw8Y

you have to watch this.

Anonymous said...

http://snuggiesightings.com/snuggie/tag/snuggie-actress/

Ashley said...

You might not have a book deal yet, but I shamelessly plug this blog whenever someone is having a bad day and could use a laugh.

Think of it like working for a non-profit. You're making the world a better place with no pay and no thanks!

coffee said...

i'm torn between the Snuggie and the Shamwow

Laura said...

They're going after our kids.

https://www.snugglette.com/flare/next?tag=os|sm|go|tm

Callie said...

My best friend got a snuggie as a gag gift for her bday. She and I are getting ready to go to the beach for a week, and she recently sent me a text saying, "OMG, I am totally bringing the snuggie on the plane!!!" I told her if she wasn't joking, I was leaving her and her snuggie on the beach.

joel said...

if you were at last nights Snuggie Pub Crawl(San Diego), you would all have smiles on your face today. and a cool blanket (WITH SLEEVES) to use on those nippy nights ;) jealous!

Niki said...

You are brilliant. But I still want one. White people like irony, after all.

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h05ZQ7WHw8Y&feature=related

Andrea said...

omg u are fucking hilarious

Tine said...

If you want to see how stupid Snuggies en masse really look, go to YouTube and search "University of Dayton Snuggie". It's like Hogwarts, minus the Quidditch.

jen! said...

if its any consolation, I believe you're quite intelligent+hilarious, and I hope you start ballin' out of control very soon.

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Anonymous said...

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