3.31.2009

Tasteless Tuesday

Allow me to share this gem of a story I discovered yesterday while paroozing Gawker:
"Vince Shlomi best known as television's ShamWow! guy, was arrested in Miami last month [f]or beating up a prostitute.

According to the police report:
  • Shlomi meets Sasha Harris in a Miami club. They go back to his hotel.
  • She propositions him for "straight sex." He pays her a thousand bucks in cash.
  • He kisses her.
  • She "bit his tongue and would not let go."
  • He punches her in her face repeatedly until she lets go.
  • He runs down to the hotel lobby.
  • They both get arrested."
Photobucket

Photobucket

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!

It also turns out that Shlomi is a renegade Scientologist! He joined the church in 1982 to create contacts for his film The Underground Comedy Movie, a direct-to-DVD comedy movie featuring Slash and Joey Buttafuoco. However, the Church of Scientology brought Shlomi up on criminal charges in fake-me-out Scientology court and kicked him out. A cult, asked him to leave. Impressive or what?!

When I read this article, I ran outside with my scarf and mittens and checked for snow 'cuz I thought Christmas had come early. While clearly this is a completey horrendous and sad situation, I can't help but think it's also a gift from God directly to me. And I took that gift. I untied the bow, tore away the wrapping paper and slowly opened the box. And what was inside? A deluxe set of comical ShamWow! jokes to be made at the expense of this situation.

Best. Christmas. Ever.

Yayyyy! Leave your own ShamWow/prostitute joke as a comment because this entire situation gives me a giggle. As I am a horrible human being.

Sham. Wow. - Gawker

And the hooker was German, so you know she's good. - Myself

Rumor has it the hooker can hold up to twenty times as much semen as other prostitutes. - Chris

Remember Vince, the ShamWow can dry everything but the tears of a life gone horribly, horribly wrong.
- My Dad

Beware ShamWow imitators. And kissing prostitutes that charge $1,000 for straight sex on the mouth.

He should have just told her we can't do this all day. It's from his commercial, you know like call right now 'cause we can't do this all day. Then she would have let go of his tongue. I had to work too hard, this isn't funny any more. Damnit. - My Mom

[...that last one is only funny to me because I think it's cute when my mom de-rails a joke via gchat.
]

69 comments:

Anonymous said...

I don't think that prostitute loved his nuts. Ba dum ba!

(a little slap chop humor thrown in)

Patrick said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

His Shamwow went from spoogerag to band-aid in a jiffy!!!!

Anonymous said...

This was the best headline I've seen so far: OMFG: Shamwow Guy Shampows A Prostitute In The Face http://bit.ly/RLIF

Evan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Act now and I'll throw in a severely beaten hooker at no additional charge!

Laura said...

And if you don't believe the extreme absorbing power of the ShamWow, just watch how it mops up the bloody aftermath of a domestic squabble!

Sir Fantastic said...

Yea when I saw this story yesterday I immediately thought of your blog. I don't have a joke, just a comment that's going to run a little long here. I love how terrible he looks in that pic compared to his sham wow spot. and not just like he's drunk terrible, but like he's 70 years old and he's got horrible bags under his eyes and it's hard to believe they got the right guy cause it looks nothing like the sham wow guy terrible. i also don't get how prostitutes charge so much. really, $1000 for that girl? it's like how elliot spitzer's hooker cost him like $4000 grand. i mean, if i were a girl i'd think i'd get into the business knowing how much guy's are willing to overpay.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Thus far I'm in love with "I don't think that prostitute loved his nuts."

True and relevant.

jen said...

a day you don't blog is like a day without sunshine. what can i do to get everyone in the world to find your blog? because i think everyone needs to read it.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Pff, I couldn't agree with you more Ms. Toppe. You can join the Facebook page! And like, tell people? I don't know, I suck at marketing. Which is ironic because that's my job. HAHA. Fail Meg.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Oh wait, that was really ballsy of me to assume that was Jen Toppe. I guess there are other people named "Jen" out there. Sorry if that wasn't Jen of the Toppe variety.

I've been doing data entry for 8 hours and am so fucking cracked out right now.

jennifer cathryn rowland said...

hahaha it was jen of the toppe variety. i laughed when i read your first comment cause i was like shit! she could tell that was from me. then i laughed harder when i read your second comment. i will definitely become your facebook friend ms blogger mcgee

Jeyboo said...

Do you think the hooker was on Ron Popeil's payroll?

Anonymous said...

Does anyone else think its fabulous he is wearing his coat over his hospital gown? Kicking it up a notch...

Anonymous said...

Billy Mayes here with OxyClean! Let me show you how to get that blood stain out in a jiffy!

Mark said...

Look! the Shamwow even soaks up his 15 minutes of fame through the pay-by-the-hour motel sheets.

Now that's a deal you can't beat..... well maybe he can.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

And! Did anyone else realize that the hospital gown is essentially a hospital brand SNUGGIE?!

SICK.

Jeyboo said...

If the Snuggie don't fit, you must acquit.

Nate said...

My dear Meg,

Speaking of Snuggies, have you seen this? http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0309/20558.html

It's that douchebag Joe The Plumber whoring himself out yet again AND the conservative talking head Tucker Carlson WEARING FUCKING SNUGGIES.

Wait, not FUCKING snuggies. That sounds like something I might actually enjoy.

You live in DC. Can you do something about Tucker Carlson please?

John said...

They look like they just finished a few rounds with the Reciprocating Saw/Dildo.

Meg said...

What a two-bit hooker.

Also, in response to the hospital/snuggie issue, i give you:

http://www.snuggiepubcrawls.com/

Also, also, my friend morgan who is trying to weasel you into the loving albeit motionally-challenged arms of John Mccain turned me onto your blog. I'm not a creep.

I don't think.

Miss E said...

I'm not witty enough to come up with a line...but I'm peeing my pants laughing about this whole situation!

slootastic said...

maybe she couldn't do the deed because she had an impossible encounter of the tinge kind.

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