OK SO! Team Hug John McCain 2009 is actually a force to be reckoned with and probably the most successful team I've ever been on (and Lord knows I played a lot of competitive T-ball in my day.) On one hand I'm impressed with the team's effort to support my juvenile antics, but on the other, I'm depressed because this means people are just as bored at work as I am. I hoped better for you.
All in all, team HJMcC'09 showed some nice hustle out there, but I'm giving MVP to a staffer in McCain's office who emailed me and has since been named my official Senatorial Hug Consultant. According to Staffer, a Team HJMcC'09 victory might be more difficult than anticipated because the J McC doesn't hand out hugs like lollipops. Apparently, there exist only three documented J McC hugs: 1.) w/ Joe Lieberman, 2.) w/ George W. Bush and 3.) w/ an intern who awkwardly turned a side-hug into a full-frontal hug (which is so impressive I'm not even mad.)
But we're not giving up, team! We can still come back! Staffer has concocted a genius plan where I'll sneak into an intern photo-op and get an official John McCain side-hug. Staffer's probably going to call me the day-of, so my plan is to shout "MCCAIN POWER!", punch my boss in the face, run to Capitol Hill and then fold in like melted butter amongst the interns until go-time. In case you were wondering if I have a frame ready for the official photo, I don't, but I always imagined it looking like this:
My birthday is April 16th. Just an FYI.
In other news, remember that asshole bartender from Axis with the lisp who didn't do a god-damn thing when a white cap started to go all Chris Brown on me and Anna? Well it turns out he was in the same fraternity at GW as my friend Dave! This originally confused the hell out of me because Dave is cool as shit whereas Lispy is about as cool as a Meek on her period, but then Dave informed me that Lispy was generally recognized as a giant douche bag even back then. Apparently his pledge nickname was something disgusting like "Let it Bleed," because one night he was bangin' a chick doggy-style (I know! I was surprised someone would willingly have sex with him too!) when he missed and rammed it in her ass resulting in some...unpleasantness. First of all, what sort of whack-a-mole game are you playing with your dick that you missed her vagina entirely and landed completely up her ass? I don't have a dick, but if I did I don't think I'd be all willy-nilly ramming it into whatever hole I land in if I did. Secondly, I know this happened before the run-in at the bar, but I'm still going to make the following statement and stand by it: if you're a jerk to me or my friends, God will punish you by saturating your dick in anus blood. There. I said it. The choice is yours.