4.02.2009

My legs were crossed the entire time I wrote this.

So yesterday my friend Justine forwarded me a Daily Candy article about The Tinge razor/vibrator. Take a look:

i don't know why i thought you would enjoy this/ want it
xxoo

j

Have you ever been in the shower, shaving your legs, when you started to get turned on? Didn’t you wish that trusty razor of yours could satisfy more sensual needs?

Now it can with the Tinge, the first (and, we’re pretty sure, only) razor-slash-vibrator! Yes. Really.

The Tinge may look like an ordinary shaver, but just throw on the cap and voila — party time! Finally, you can remove unwanted stubble and get off with a single device.

But wait, there’s more: The Tinge has a whopping 32 different speed/mode combinations for your pleasure, and it’s water resistant, so you can get freaky in the bathtub.

That’s not all. The gadget comes with two blade cartridges and a bottle of pleasure gel — all for the low price of just $99.

Photobucket
Photobucket
Ok. First and foremost Justine, whatever I did to make you think that I would ever want a razor slash vibrator, I'm sorry. Whatever I said, just pretend I said the exact opposite and I think we'll be able to move on with our friendship.

The Tinge makes me uncomfortable on so, so many levels. First let's talk about the name: The Tinge. Tinge: (noun)
A slight added element, property, or influence. I'm guessing the most literal definition of the word "tinge" has nothing to do with anything, and this is more some minge word play (which is heinous in it's own right,) but less obvious is the origin of the T. Where does it come from? Tantalizing? Tough hair? Trusty? Tingle? Is it Tingle? TINGLE MINGE?! I'm going to vomit everywhere.

Now, of all of the shower products to choose from that could possibly be designed to double as a vibrator, what genius settled on the razor? A razor is sharp. It cuts. People use it to take their own lives. I don't associate pleasure with my razor. I associate small cuts that take over an hour to stop bleeding. No matter how careful I am when shaving, my shower always ends up looking like a god damn scene from Sweeney Todd. Ergo, maybe a vibrating bar of soap would have been more appropriate.

On a purely functional level, you just have to be fucking kidding me. "Throw on the cap and voila — party time!" I don't know what kind of female circumcision party you're trying to drag me to, but the thought of a rickety piece of plastic standing between my clit and a razor blade pretty much makes me want to buy a chastity belt and never leave my house again. And I won't be "throwing" anything on, thank you very much. I'll be securely fastening at the very least. And I mean, honestly, what are the chances of that cap flying off mid "party"? I think I would have to see some concrete design plans and take a guided tour of the plastic cap factory in China before that thing comes within six inches of seeing inside my pantaloons.

The Tinge also offends me for one of the same reasons that The Snuggie offends me—someone is making a million dollars off it. Why, oh why, do we insist on rewarding such stupidity?? A shammy cloth sold by a trick-beating Scientologist?! LORD KNOWS I HAVE ONE! A backwards robe marketed as a hands-free blanket?! SOLID GOLD! A vibrating razor blade for the sexual adventurous girl-on-the-go?! HERE, TAKE MY WALLET!!!

I think part of the reason I'm so bitter (besides not wanting my genitals sliced and diced,) is that I once had a great invention idea once, but not a single soul supported. I called it The Slammock. I created The Slammock by combining the two places I find most comfortable to sleep—a sleeping bag and a hammock. My design specifically called for a fleece-lined sleeping bag tied onto (not sewn into, that would be too tight and constricting,) a traditional cord hammock. I genuinely think this is an amazing idea and I still wish everyday that I had one. I actually pitched The Slammock to my parents while we were bed shopping for my first apartment. I argued that The Slammock beats a traditional bed, as it is comfortable, financially sound and space efficient. And yet, I was met with negativity by everyone I proposed the idea to. Suddenly everyone was a bed critic—is there enough back support? What if a prankster flips you over while sleeping? How can you have sex on it? What about motion sickness? Will the cords make an imprint on your face? What happens when it starts to sag?! Yes, I'm the idiot, yet slap a sticker that sex "sex toy" on a vibrating razor blade and we're in business!!!??????!?!?

God I hate life.

124 comments:

*Jac* said...

I wonder if it was invented by the couple with the saber saw/vibrator combo? It sounds like the same kind of accident could happen. And I'm with you on you hammock/sleeping bag idea. I would totally buy one!

Wiggs (The Beholder) said...

Erm...are you sure this isn't a belated April Fool's prank? I just can't imagine somebody being allowed to manufacture and sell something like that. I mean, what about the girls who like to stick their vibrators in their gines? And what if the cap falls off? Ulgh, I'm shuddering with disgust. Some things should NEVER be combined: nacho cheese and cool ranch Doritos, red wine and tequila, and vibrators and razors.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Believe it or not, it is a 100% real thing.

https://www.mytinge.com/Catalog/Razor.aspx

Laura said...

1. That sounds horrific. Also, I almost always shower when I'm half asleep. It takes me four minutes to figure out which is the shampoo and which is the conditioner. There is no way in hell I'd trust myself with this thing.
2. I have totally fallen asleep in a warm cozy hammock only to wake up realizing that the sun has gone down and it is now freezing and I have no choice but to groggily fumble my way out. With your invention I could just zip up and go back to sleep!

Jenna B. said...

I received the same Daily Candy and was equally skeeved out. I hadn't had my caffeine yet so I thought I was baffled, but when I clicked the link to "Read More" it gave this:
http://www.dailycandy.com/aprilfools/?utm_source=email&utm_medium=txt_link&utm_campaign=aprilfools09

I think it was Daily Candy's April Fools Joke...

Elizabeth said...

I have always wanted a hammock bed- tell anyone who told you that was a bad idea you have at least one buyer. I actually saw something about that vibrator the other day and it terrified me too haha. Also- more Snuggie Stupidity http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/object/article?f=/c/a/2009/03/29/LVTI16LG23.DTL&o=0

Jenna B. said...

Whoops, here's the link again:

http://www.dailycandy.com/aprilfools/?utm_source=em
ail&utm_medium=txt_link&utm_campaign=aprilfools09

May need to be pasted together.

Patrick said...

So I sort of built a "Slammock" about 10 years ago when I was camping at the beach with my family. We had our Hammock tied up and I kept falling asleep in it late in the day then I'd wake up either freezing or covered in mosquitoes. So, I decided to attach a sleeping bag to the Hammock for added comfort. I fed fishing line through one edge of my sleeping bag with a needle and then just laced it through the Hammock. I'm pretty sure my parents have pictures of it somewhere but they're in another state.

It was glorious.

Wiggs (The Beholder) said...

Aw, I feel so bad because yesterday you were so adamant about not getting pranked! Oh well. It doesn't make this post any less hilarious.

Jenna B. said...

Oh I totally fell for it too. The second Daily Candy was about "light up bricks" replacing the red ones along the Freedom Trail here in Boston. My initial reaction was to send it to my co-workers and be like "How cool is this?? Let's go find them at lunch." But then I was like "What the f, I walked by them this morning and they weren't lighting up!"Thankfully I refrained from sending that email...

Patrick said...

http://tinyurl.com/c8fgth

Looks like someone else jumped on the idea too.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

WHAT?!?!?!?! THE SLAMMOCK ALREADY EXISTS?! AND IT'S OUT OF STOCK?? AND I DIDN'T MAKE IT?!?! AND I GOT FUCKING PRANKED?

Well, I'm going to go kill myself now. Hope you all enjoyed the blog while it lasted.

garbanzo said...

Daily Candy needs to stick to what they know:
-happy hour spots
-cute new boutiques
-great restaurants
The San Francisco Daily Candy had how to turn your cell phone into a vibrator yesterday!

"Jimmyjane — the self-pleasure masters known for premium gadgets — just launched its first iPhone application. Download the tickle-your-fancy program and your cellie becomes an instant vibrator"

Daily Candy: I think I'll stick to the sparkly little number I have tucked away in my night stand. My cell phone runs out of battery fast enough, thanks!

Rachel said...

Um. Lets not forgot your other invention. the Ponchshamwow. The rain poncho made of shamwow.

Patrick said...

I'm pretty sure if you wore a Shamwow in the rain you would end up being dissolved in less than 20 seconds.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

To be fair, I didn't invent it, my dad did. And to be even more fair, it was a PonchWOW, which is a full 360-degree snuggie with a hole in the center for your head.

Justin said...

I think it could work if the razor was detachable in a way that you could take off the razor instead of put a cap on it. If when the attachment comes off, what is left over is still vrator worthy, it could def work. Leaving the razor on there in any way is just death by vibrator waiting to happen.

Christine said...

Unfortunately, the Tinge is not an April Fool's Joke. My roommate and I came across it a few weeks ago and were equally horrified. The marketing angle they were working was that a soccer mom could display it anywhere in their household and no one would ever know...that is until their bicurious stepson decided his balls needed some trimming, and then watch out!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

YES! IT'S NOT A PRANK! WHICH MEANS MY 2009 APRIL FOOL'S DAY WAS OFFICIALLY PRANK-FREE!

Awesome.

Anonymous said...

i know the commenters on this blog are probably all gaping holes but did you ever consider that its the skinny/non-razor side thats supposed to go in? just a thought.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

But that's where the control buttons are located. How am I supposed to explore all 30 different speeds and settings when it's all up in me?

Good try though.

toppe mctopperson said...

a few things:

remember when i invented 1)brail 2) vending machines and 3) wheel chairs. and then you reminded me that in fact this things had already been invented?

im really confused. were you pranked?? is it real?

i realize its almost the weekend, and you usually take the weekends off from the blog. but i gonna have to go ahead and ask you to not take it off. because i dont know if i can take a whole weekened of no meg.

Liss said...

the daily candy had some good pranks this year ... here's another one they posted.

http://www.dailycandy.com/new_york/article/42515/Takin+a+Mustache+Ride

i would be grossed out if anyone actually had this done!

Liss said...

try this again - not sure why it doesn't show the entire thing.

http://www.dailycandy.com/new_york/article/42515/
Takin+a+Mustache+Ride

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Dude, it's totes not a joke. The razor was on that stupid "The Doctors," show a few months ago!

Anonymous said...

wait, youre really going thick side first? man thats awesome. can we go on a date?

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

clitoral stimulation my friend. not vaginal.

but, yes. yes, we can go on a date.

Anonymous said...

The Slammock - I used to do this very thing. I would bring my sleeping bag out and sleep in the sleeping bag on the hammock on coolish summer nights. - brilliant.

Matt said...

Hi Meg,

I just wanted to take this opportunity to introduce myself…My name is Matt Roberts, I invented the Tinge Razor.

A friend of mine forward me your blog write-up unfavorably reviewing our product.

If you actually reviewed or read up on the Tinge Razor you would know that we thought of all the issues you raise in your write-up.

A couple things I would like to point out…

1: You cannot use the razor and toy feature together, it is one or the other.
2: While in vibrating mode it is virtually impossible to cut yourself as the safety cap cannot come in-voluntarily.
3: If this still makes you uncomfortable you can easily remove the razor blade all together

All of these things are pointed out in our new marketing video to be on our site shortly. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJqPC3D7KzA

Hope this helps…It’s unfortunate that you chose to take your frustrations and difficulties with your own invention out on us.

I for one would be happy to learn more about your idea…Feel free to forward me a business plan.

Regards,

Matt


Regards,

Matt A. Roberts
President/ Founder
mytinge.com

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Seswu said...

You didn't hear about the ingenuious couple which decided that attaching a dildo to a powered saw would make a splendid fucking machine.
I'm sure you would have slipped it in somewhere if you did; see, instead of making an insert from scratch which held the dildo and could be gripped be the saw, they used the sawblade for an insert and it into the dildo.
Come to think of it, they ought to be nominated for the Darwin Award.

Anyway. Your Slammock exists. It's found its market amongst the geekier hiking-gear. Instead of a tent, put your hammock up in the woods. There's even a ready-made tarp accessory.
*ponders* No wait.. the sleeping bag is not attached in this case.
But.. where's the difficulty in doing that, if you want one? :]

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