You can't do that on television...or I guess you can.

[Quick reminder: Chris blogs in green, I blog in red. Ergo, this is a Chris post. And no, we didn't purposely pick Christmas colors. Kthnx.]

As you may be aware, we have a perpetual bone to pick with people who make a milli off a stupid idea. No one needs a blanket with sleeves. And if you are too cheap to spring for a vibrator, then you deserve to carve your labia a new one.

I’m not trying to sound like a broken record, but sometimes I just don’t understand who is responsible for some ideas becoming reality. For instance, I’m sure you may have seen this commercial at some juncture in your life:

There is nothing wrong with the product being sold. It’s a great idea, a clear, easy to read pregnancy test. But just think about the number of people who approved this commercial. I’d like to sit in on the pitch meeting for this: “What would make our advertisement stand out? Other pregnancy tests stress accuracy and ease of use. Hmm….oh I know! What don’t people ever discuss in pregnancy test commercials? PEEING ON THE DAMN THING! It’s genius!!”

The stream of water is the most offensive part. Had they simply just said “you pee on it”, it might be funny. But they had to add a visual reference for us, as if we don’t know what peeing looks like. Thanks for that. (Although that’s a pretty direct stream of water...so is this a male pregnancy test?) I don’t know what’s worse, this blatant urine stream or the blue liquid used in tampon commercials to simulate blood.

But with that commercial, I get their advertising slant. It’s clearly advertised to young guys who “accidentally” have sex with their girlfriends without a condom “because it feels better”. They get a good chuckle at it when they see it on TV with their bros. Then when the gfry won’t have sex with him because she says she’s late and its his fault and if he doesn’t go pick up a test for her right now he’s never getting laid again the first test he thinks to buy at 3 AM at the 24 hr CVS is this one.

If anyone would like to try and explain the value of this commercial to me, however, it would be greatly appreciated:

I saw this for the first time during The City finale (thank you Whitney Port) and was absolutely shocked. About halfway through the commercial I realized what was going on. Once I saw the landing strip bush, I died, rewound, called my roommate in, and watched it again. The only times I’ve ever seen this commercial was during The City and Gossip Girl (yea, so I like girly TV shows. I’m not ashamed) so clearly they are advertising to women. But is anyone out there going to buy this razor because of the obvious “Trim the Bush” slogan? I don’t know about you, but I’d be a little offended if someone referred to my nethers as an unruly shrubbery.

Don’t get me wrong, I am DEFINITELY in favor of trimming. If your pubic hair resembles Nick Nolte’s mugshot, then we are not hooking up. Thanks, but I flossed already today. The only thing I want stuck between my teeth is, well frankly nothing, but if I just ate a delicious steak dinner and there was some remnants left behind I wouldn’t be put off by it. Not only does it make hooking up more manageable but everything down there just looks better when it’s taken care of. In the same way you don’t want to go near the old McHiggins house because the lawn is overgrown and the shutters are falling off and you’re pretty sure it’s haunted, I don’t want to be around your unkempt no-nos. Because the way it looks right now, I’m not convinced you don’t have some paranormal activity in your pants.

And I don’t mean that in a good way.


2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

1.) I disagree, I thought that commercial was hee-larious. Since when are you so bashful that a suggestive stream of water offends you, Christopher?

2.) Fact: So many people complained that they pulled it off the air and released a version sans stream of water. Fucking Puritans.

3.)The Bush Commercial makes me highly uncomfortable. I actually vomited after typing "The Bush Commercial."

Rachel said...

I do need a blanket with sleeves damnit

Anonymous said...


way better/worse

Unknown said...

i think this blog is absolutely priceless ;) I'm a fan. Opinons with funnies = great!

Chris said...

dear anonymous:


thank you? i can't decide if i'm mortified or if i'm secretly in love with that commercial.

Anonymous said...

I thought I was the only one bothered by the "bush" commercial (and I'm pretty openminded). I just didn't think the marketing department of a major corporation would make a commercial refering to, well, bush.

The Crotchety Old Man said...

I'm with you one hundred percent. Add the commercial where Mother Nature shows up with the little red gift. The one that grosses me out the most, however, is where the bear has toilet paper pieces all over his ass. Ewwwwwwwwwwww.

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