At the risk of sounding like a misanthrope and alienating all of you fine people, I’m going make a bold statement: I hate people. Whether on my daily walk to work, slogging through 9 to 5, or relaxing at the bar with friend, I am hard pressed to not get irritated with my fellow man. That is not to say I’m an unfriendly person; in fact, it’s quite the opposite. But I continue to run across people who make me scratch my head and wonder how they managed to make it so far in life without getting bludgeoned to death with a candlestick.
Currently, the most hated people on my list are people who don’t follow the rules. I just got back from my first ever trip to the West Coast to visit some friends in San Francisco. The trip was great while I was in San Fran with my friends. It was the getting there and back that really got me riled up.
I knew this was going to be a unique flight when I was waiting to board my flight. The ticket taker announces that we are going to board by zones. I think that’s logical, they probably have it set up so that people in the rear of the plane board first to keep the aisles clear and speed up the boarding process. I hear “At this time we are now boarding zones 1 and 2,” and suddenly half of the plane is in line to board. Considering I am zone 5, I’m fairly positive there are not 300 people in zones 1 and 2. You may think, “Haha I’m going to board early, take 30 minutes to cram my clearly oversized ‘carry-on’ bag in the overhead compartment and make everyone else so jealous that I’ve been on the plane for an extra 2 minutes.” But really, everyone HATES you. That is why this rule is in place: to keep me from breaking you in half and shoving YOU in the overhead.
After I got to my seat and simmered down (watching several people open the same overhead compartment to see if it’s full, after an announcement has been made twice saying that any closed compartment is full) we finally take off. Now, for some reason, there were several people traveling together who couldn’t get seats together. However, a plane is not a cocktail party, and you shouldn’t stand in the aisle and hover over me, talking about God-only-knows-what-but-I’m-sure-it-can-wait. Especially until after the fasten seatbelt sign has been removed. Once again, this is a rule put in place for a very good reason. The plane is currently ascending at a 45 degree angle, so you should stay in your seat to prevent being thrown backwards into a metal cart of free peanuts and biscotti. Or we are currently going through a patch of turbulence, so please remain seated so as to keep from being tossed into a neighbor’s lap causing an awkward erection and minor bruising.
One woman on this flight took the cake, blatantly disregarding the rules of aviation. She decided that 10,000 feet is the perfect altitude for some bikram yoga action. I kid you not, this woman ignored the flight crew, stood in the aisle, and did some light yoga. I’m perfectly fine with in-flight exercises because nothing scares me more than death by a rogue embolism. But first and foremost, the flight attendants are trying to get by to give me my complimentary snacks. Secondly, we have been on the plane for less an hour. Thirdly, no one is impressed that you can put your palms flat on the ground. This probably makes me sound like a stickler for rules, but if there is a solid reason for them, I’m going to do what I’m told. What makes other people think they are above that? You just can’t wait to get on the plane because the time you are going to spend sitting in the boarding area is taking away from the time you could be spending on the plane? Newsflash: we’re going to be on that damn plane for at least 5 hours, I think you’ll survive to be away from it for a bit. So you think now would be a good time to get your YoYo Ma CD out of your Jansport even though the pilot has asked everyone to remain seated? I hope the plane lurches suddenly and your CD cracks in half AND imbeds itself in your arm. Now you have no concert violnist and a flesh wound. That’d teach you. And to my yoga-practitioner, you are one cumulonimbus cloud away from breaking your neck. Then you’ll be a permanent Downward Facing Dog. I’m not saying I want you people to get hurt so you’ll learn your friggin’ lesson, but I’m also not NOT saying that.