Don't make me confiscate your vagina.

It's been a while since something has boggled my mind on par with The Snuggie, The Tinge or The Peekaru. For a minute, I thought my rants and ravings had actually made a difference in this topsy-turvy, mixed-up world. But I thought wrong. For there exists a television show that is so off-the-charts, batshit crazy to me, I am right back at square fucked. The show is on the Discovery Health channel. And it is called, I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant.

The title is pretty self explanatory, but in case there's any lingering confusion, "I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant is a compelling documentary special that explores the fascinating and utterly surprising phenomenon of women who were completely unaware that they were pregnant...until they went into labor!"

I am literally so overwhelmed with confusion, embarrassment and sheer mind-boggledness that I'm going to delineate the points I want to make to in order to keep myself on track. Because at any point, I might just throw in the towel on society, move to the Mojave dessert and kick it with the lizards. For lizards don't wear backwards robes and masturbate with razor blades.

- How could you honestly not know you were pregnant? Every woman has the same story: "Well there I was, fuckin' my boyfriend sans condom, as per usual, and didn't get my period for nine months straight. I didn't think nothin' bout it cause I had been jumping on my cousin's trampoline a lot that summer and she told me that could cause me to skip mah period. Then I gained a whole mess of weight, but I thought it was just because they opened a Chipotle across from my office. And yeah, a giant fetus tried to crawl it's way out of my cooter, but I thought I was just having gas pains from all that Chipotle. OH, L0LZ!!!!" At what point during those nine months did you not connect the dots between the whole fucking without a condom thing and your lack of a period? Because yes, anemia, stress, increased bicycle riding, trampoline jumping and wearing of tight hot pants are all somewhat valid reasons one might miss a period, but I would think the raw dick shooting sperm square into your vagina might be the #1 suspect.

- The show's website describes this as a "phenomenon." A PHENOMENON. Aurora Borealis; that is a phenomenon. Gravitation is a phenomenon. Arctic cyclones are a phenomenon. Hillbillies having unprotected sex and not realizing they're knocked up? That is stupidity. There is a slight difference between the two.

- My favorite moment of any given episode is when the women recall going into labor. At this point, they all still have no idea they're pregnant and assume it's either bad menstrual cramping or gas. I get that. If I had a swizzle stick for a brain, I'd probably assume I had gas as well. The best, however, is when they don't realize they're pregnant UNTIL THE BABY CROWNS. Yes. It literally takes a human head exiting their vagina to turn on the light bulb that says, "Oh wait! I might be pregnant! This explains those arid nine months after I had unprotected sex, the weight gain, the back pain, the swollen ankles and the past eight hours of excruciating abdominal cramps! IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!"

- How do these children not come out with a few extra legs or an arm in the middle of their forehead? You know these women are smoking packs of Marlboro Lights and enjoying a Busch Light or twelve at night. Shit, I cringe at the thought of what I inhale and drink in a nine month period. If I were to unknowingly have a baby today, it would come out looking like a god damn Cubist painting. I don't know why these women always look so happy to see their perfectly healthy surprise babies. I would take one good look at mine and think it was the work of the devil for surviving that 9-month pickling.

Maybe the reason I'm so mind-boggled by all of this is because I am the anti-IDKIWP. I'm the kind of girl who shakes a guys hand and runs to CVS to get a liter of Gatorade and a pregnancy test. Seriously. Every single time I have sex with someone, I convince myself I'm pregnant. Even after I get my period. And use condoms. And take birth control. It's completely unhealthy. I should go to Costco and buy pregnancy tests in bulk and save myself a lot of time and money. But frankly, I would rather single handedly keep Clear Blue in business than be the woman who assumes she's got gas until she pisses out a baby at work.

Plus, if your period goes missing, wouldn't you rather take a simple test and know you're not pregnant for sure, for sure? No matter how hardcore you convince yourself you have a super light flow because of all that line dancing you did, it's got to linger somewhere in the back of your mind that you might be pregnant. That suspense would kill me. Last May I convinced myself I was pregnant. Normally I would just jog to the local convenience store, pick up a pregnancy test and get some reassurance for my neurotic little mind, but I was in Tuscany on a family vacation. And let me tell you, I couldn't find a single pregnancy test in that whole god-fearing countryside. There I was in the most gorgeous place I'd ever been, staying in a villa surrounded by my family, but I couldn't enjoy one minute of it because I was so preoccupied wondering if I was pregnant. I honest-to-God had a dream about wire hangers one night.

Finally, we took a day trip to Florence. I figured plenty of American college students study abroad there, so there had to be at least one pharmacy who carried pregnancy tests. I snuck away from my family and headed for the first pharmacy I saw. Now, keep in mind I don't speak a lick of Italian. After wandering the store for 20 minutes I had two boxes in my hand: one was an enema and one was a pregnancy test. The problem was, I wasn't 100% sure which one was which. In the end, I decided to get them both, just to be sure. As I walked back to find my family with my newly purchased Italian enema and pregnancy test, I got my period.

I still have the enema and pregnancy test in my bathroom to remind myself what a fucking idiot I am. Best. Souvenir. Ever.