Let’s take a peek at her latest attempt to conquer the United States public with song. She-Wolf:
So basically, what I’m getting out of this video is that the moonlight causes Shakira to channel her local Walmart cashier and get long acrylic nails. However, after she gets her nails did, she goes to change into her black bodysuit and her nails not only tear a gaping hole in the stomach of the suit, they also completely detach one full sleeve and one full leg. Apparently Shakira does not put her
Where I get lost in this video is the same place Shakira gets lost. In what I can only assume is a giant glittery vagina in the back of her closet. My closet isn’t the neatest place in the world, but I’d be willing to bet money that there isn’t a large reproductive organ hanging out back there. I don’t know why she even walks into it. I bet it’s supposed to symbolize something, like her femininity or something. Or maybe it’s just a fun background in which she can dance.
While Rock of Love Shakira is gyrating in a massive pink cave, Let’s Get Physical Shakira is locked up in a cage. In a flesh-colored leotard. If you’ve ever wondered what Shakira looks like naked, take a frame from this portion of the video and draw your best approximation of nipples on that leotard. And there you have it. I get it. She-Wolf. Locked in a cage. Sexy. Doing yoga? You’ve lost me.
There’s no question Shakira can move. Have you seen her bellydance? She might be the reason so many gyms offer bellydancing classes now. She may have even inspired Flirty Girl Fitness. I wouldn’t be surprised. But when she’s not writhing sexily and actually trying to dance, it’s almost hard to watch. Take, for instance, the timeless moves at 1:12. What do you call that move? It’s almost like she’s practicing for an episode of Family Double Dare, where the physical challenge involves tossing oversized meatballs whilst limboing at your son who is sitting in a giant bowl of spaghetti. Let’s just hope they finish in time to pour a vat of marinara sauce on him for the win. Sometime during the first minute of this video I thought “I cannot wait to see Kristen Wiig do an impression of this on SNL.” And then Shakira does this dance at 2:01 which I’m almost 79.3% sure I’ve seen Kristen Wiig as Kathie Lee Gibson do at one juncture or another. It’s like the joke practically writes itself.
Now I can handle the mangled body suit and the pink cave and the flesh leotard because Shakira is sexy as hell. But once we get to the Footloose segment of the video (around 2:50), I just want to give up. I’m not sure why but Shakira suddenly looks like Beyonce, Madonna, and ANTM winner Naima Mora got thrown into a blender on frappe, then the resulting hybrid was given a Project Runway style challenge to make a dance outfit from the contents of her apartment. What she came up with was a sheer top (made from the screen window) and a fringe bottom (throw pillows).
Luckily this last persona is the one that stays in the closet (presumably with R. Kelly?), although she does look incredibly Beyoncesque closing the closet door. All that being said, I will probably now love this song after having watched the video several hundred times, (also, I have an unexplainable urge to watch Obsessed on DVD) though, as I said before, I can’t see this song being any bigger than Whenever Wherever. I could be wrong though, as I had previously Milli Vanilli were the best vocalists of the late 80s/early 90s. Hindsight is 20/20 afterall.