8.10.2009

There's more than just a she-wolf in Shakira's closet...

Shakira. Lord knows I’ve loved you since Mrs. Mosca, my AP Spanish teacher, introduced you to me many moons ago and we listened to Estoy Aqui pretty much everyday in class. And then you released Laundry Service upon the world, and I couldn’t stop listening to “Whenever, Wherever.” But I fear that your career in los Estados Unidos might tend to go the way of Ricky Martin. Not that you’re going to have your sexuality constantly questioned and then overcompensate by having surrogate twins. I just think you might have peaked here already (although “La Tortura” was an equally amazing song).

Let’s take a peek at her latest attempt to conquer the United States public with song. She-Wolf:



So basically, what I’m getting out of this video is that the moonlight causes Shakira to channel her local Walmart cashier and get long acrylic nails. However, after she gets her nails did, she goes to change into her black bodysuit and her nails not only tear a gaping hole in the stomach of the suit, they also completely detach one full sleeve and one full leg. Apparently Shakira does not put her pants bodysuit on one leg at a time like the rest of us. Regardless of whether or not this outfit now looks like something Heather from Rock of Love might have worn, Shaki is still going to get her dance on at the club.

Where I get lost in this video is the same place Shakira gets lost. In what I can only assume is a giant glittery vagina in the back of her closet. My closet isn’t the neatest place in the world, but I’d be willing to bet money that there isn’t a large reproductive organ hanging out back there. I don’t know why she even walks into it. I bet it’s supposed to symbolize something, like her femininity or something. Or maybe it’s just a fun background in which she can dance.

While Rock of Love Shakira is gyrating in a massive pink cave, Let’s Get Physical Shakira is locked up in a cage. In a flesh-colored leotard. If you’ve ever wondered what Shakira looks like naked, take a frame from this portion of the video and draw your best approximation of nipples on that leotard. And there you have it. I get it. She-Wolf. Locked in a cage. Sexy. Doing yoga? You’ve lost me.

There’s no question Shakira can move. Have you seen her bellydance? She might be the reason so many gyms offer bellydancing classes now. She may have even inspired Flirty Girl Fitness. I wouldn’t be surprised. But when she’s not writhing sexily and actually trying to dance, it’s almost hard to watch. Take, for instance, the timeless moves at 1:12. What do you call that move? It’s almost like she’s practicing for an episode of Family Double Dare, where the physical challenge involves tossing oversized meatballs whilst limboing at your son who is sitting in a giant bowl of spaghetti. Let’s just hope they finish in time to pour a vat of marinara sauce on him for the win. Sometime during the first minute of this video I thought “I cannot wait to see Kristen Wiig do an impression of this on SNL.” And then Shakira does this dance at 2:01 which I’m almost 79.3% sure I’ve seen Kristen Wiig as Kathie Lee Gibson do at one juncture or another. It’s like the joke practically writes itself.

Now I can handle the mangled body suit and the pink cave and the flesh leotard because Shakira is sexy as hell. But once we get to the Footloose segment of the video (around 2:50), I just want to give up. I’m not sure why but Shakira suddenly looks like Beyonce, Madonna, and ANTM winner Naima Mora got thrown into a blender on frappe, then the resulting hybrid was given a Project Runway style challenge to make a dance outfit from the contents of her apartment. What she came up with was a sheer top (made from the screen window) and a fringe bottom (throw pillows).

Luckily this last persona is the one that stays in the closet (presumably with R. Kelly?), although she does look incredibly Beyoncesque closing the closet door. All that being said, I will probably now love this song after having watched the video several hundred times, (also, I have an unexplainable urge to watch Obsessed on DVD) though, as I said before, I can’t see this song being any bigger than Whenever Wherever. I could be wrong though, as I had previously Milli Vanilli were the best vocalists of the late 80s/early 90s. Hindsight is 20/20 afterall.

87 comments:

Anonymous said...

yesss trapped in the closet reference!

Autumn said...

okay. really? have either of you ever seen the movie "unborn"? while she is in the cage, all i can think about is the man with the backwards/ unside down head. yikes.

Robin said...

If you want more material for ridiculous music videos, watch Mariah Carey "obsessed." Ive never seen anything so self absorbed before. She dresses up as a man and is obsessed with herself. Dear god...

Anonymous said...

kathie lee gibson??

Skippy said...

Glad someone else thinks something not so good about this song. I can't stand the werewolf howling. Who in the world thought that might be a good thing to put in a song, and then release it???

Living and Loving In L.A. said...

I love her anyways. Even if her videos make me want to run and hide under the covers.

Chris said...

dear anon #2:

kathie lee gibson = kathie lee gifford. i blame either a mental lapse or my overwhelming obsession with debbie gibson is infiltrating my everydaylife.

La Tortura of the She-Wolf said...

I tend to like Shakira's song on and off..but I got scared at the end of this video. I couldn't put a finger on it. Then it hit me. This is why:

http://vrempire.com/Image/BlogImg/20081220-TheUnborn/TheUnborn.jpg

Anonymous said...

Maybe that was not her vagina. Maybe she got up on the first place to do #2 and walked into her large intestine.

Christine said...

It looks like that cage isn't the only thing Shakira borrowed from the B. Spears Circus tour...and yes, I'm talking about the giant pussy that's hanging out.

Fast forward to 0:40 if you don't know what I'm talking about: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtXYFhbxNmI

-Christine

Vanessa said...

So, when I read this entry for the first time, I laughed so hard at this entry that I insisted on showing all my friends. And we cackled maniacally. But then today, at work, it came on the shitty pop radio station they play, and I actually kind of enjoyed it. And now it has been stuck in my head for an hour. Sigh.

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