Recrap Wednesdays: Fatties Need Luv 2

Before I recap last night's second episode of More to Love, let's all just take a moment to agree that as I've discussed ad nauseam, this show is degrading and sick and disgusting and mocking overweight people is absolutely despicable and blickity blah blah blah. So any and all fatty jokes I make from here on out should be taken with a pinch of salt and heaping tablespoon of understanding. Okay? Okay. Let's begin.

FATTIES ON PARADE YOU GUYS! Fatties on motherfucking parade! (Bahaha, just kidding.) So our second episode opens with the ladies hanging out in the house, cooking foods (obviously.) It's at this point that it's officially established that Christina is the bitch of the house. Christina is that girl in your middle school who overcompensated for being a few pounds overweight by being a giant cuntbag to everyone and handed out BJ's like Greenpeace pamphlets to make herself feel wanted. So Christina = bitch. You with me? Ok good, moving on. Emme comes in and informs the gals that they will be split into two groups for the first round of group dating. Anna and Malissa are arbitrarily named team captains and get to pick their teams. This begins a whole slew of "OMG I always hated picking teams for sports as a kid because I was so fat and nobody wanted me on their team and cry cry cry!" confessionals. (Don't worry, I kept a cry tally for the episode. I'll give you a final count at the end.) Christina whines about how she was always picked last as a kid for Red Rover and was always insecure it was because she's fat. Frankly, in a game where the objective is to hurl yourself at a bunch of children's little chicken arms, I think being a larger person might actually be an advantage. Something tells me she was picked last due to the cuntbag factor. And I was right! For Christina was picked last in this situation too, because, "she's a bitch." (From Anna's mouth to god's ears.) When Christina realizes she's been picked last, she looks around all sad like and whines, "I thought you guys liked me!" The rest of the girls all awkwardly look down at the ground as a tumble weed rolls by.

CURVEBALL ALERT! Emme says, and I quote, "All of you know how upsetting it is to be picked last," (which is a little presumptuous of her...) "so today, we're celebrating the person who gets picked last." YEP! Because Christina was picked last, she gets the only solo date with Luke. But not before Group 1 goes on their first date...

A lovely midnight cruise on a yacht called "The Dream Maker"! I was genuinely hoping the yacht would be called "The Chutney Monger," but we can't always get what we want, can we? After the girls board the yacht, Luke begins a champagne toast, and I swear to god, Heather gets so nervous she runs below deck and pukes off the side of the boat. And like a lot of puke too. Like, whole legs of lamb come up. Luke and the girls just kind of awkwardly stand there, champagne glasses still in the air listening to Heather make "HUUUUUUUUUUUAHHHHHHHHHH" noises below deck and offer an occasional "...ohh no..." After she's done puking, Heather crawls into a little ball on the couch and cries herself to sleep. Which is odd, because I did the exact same thing after watching this scene.

But the show must go on! Luke makes another toast (which, hand to god, includes the line, "May all of our dreams come true on...The Dream Maker") and the awkward group dating begins. It's established that Malissa is the bitch of the group. I don't like Malissa. First of all, her name is Malissa. Second of all, she freaks me out because she has a skinny person head on a fat person body. She's like the centaur of fatties:
Later, Luke goes below deck to check on Pukes where he repeatedly refers to her as "precious."

Things I Find Precious: kitties; fat babies; Evie; this video of a pug pushing a stroller.

Things I Do Not Find Precious: Nazis; highway wrecks; shoe horns; fat girls who just puked.

Later at dinner, Kristian dishes to the camera that Malissa hasn't always been fat
she got fat after high school, which totally explains her mix 'n match body! Ooooo gurrrl...we got some resentment going on in the house about that...INTRIGUE.

The next night, Christina goes out on her solo date with Luke. On said date, Christina wears a very short, very tight and very, very spangly bubble dress. As my notes say: "a spangly bubble dress never did anyone any favors." Luke whisks Christina and her bubble dress away to Vegas for the night on a private jet. Christina cries (of course) and sniffles about how because she's a bigger girl, she's never been on a date like this. To which I say, well neither have I bitch! And I don't think it has anything to do with my weight. I think it has more to do with the fact that most people don't go on dates sponsored by Fox. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself and buy some extra yardage for your dress.

Back at the house, Bonnie (of "I LOVE SKEWERED MEATS!" fame) refers to Christina as the smelly kid in class you always get paired with and have to stand next to in class pictures. To which I say to Bonnie: if Luke doesn't marry you, I will.

The next day, the girls are all hangin' around the house, eatin' ho-hos and the like when they get a note from Luke. (By the way, every note the girls get from Luke is attached to a comically over-sized engagement ring the size of a steering wheel. There's something about that that's so...fucked up.) Group #2 is informed that they'll be going to the pool on their date, so wear your swimsuits! This causes a river's worth of tears to be shed for obvious reasons. Fifty boxes of tissues later, they all cram themselves into their suits and head to the pool where Luke gets them liquored up to calm their nerves. Good move on his part. The rest of this date was pretty boring. They do some cannon balls, cry about their childhood and then a few lucky ones get to make out with him in a jacuzzi. There really is a difference between watching attractive people and ugly people make out. It's the same reason I can't watch Xtube or youporn. Mediocre and realistic just doesn't get the job done.

The next night, there's a pre-elimination mixer. Basically this is more time Luke spends making out with the girls. I think I've officially decided that Luke is creepy. Here's why: you know at the end of a Saturday night when you've been boozing pretty hard all night and you're about T-minus one hour to pass out and you're starting to get a little sloppy, but then you meet a hot guy and you're like, "Come on body! Just hold out for one more hour so we can keep talking to this guy and maybe get a little make out sesh out of this! Don't start stumbling and slurring yet! Keep those eyes open! Get your game up!"? Well that's what Luke is like all the time. It always seems like he just took two ambien and is fighting the urge to fall asleep. But then he's making out with these chicks like he's so into them. I don't really get it...and I don't think I want to.

At the mixer, Lauren gets some face time with Luke and partakes in one of the oldest traditions of reality dating competition shows in the book: throwing someone under the bus. She dishes to Luke that Arianne doesn't want kids and is old enough to be his mother. OOOOO! Bitch! She goes on to list the other women she deems to be "old" and explains that older women aren't fun because they're past the "bungee jumping phase of their lives." Oh, come on Lauren...how often are you strapping your fat ass into a harness and hurling yourself off a cliff? Also, the oldest chick she mentions is 32! Who are you? Me?

In the end, two random chicks and Arianne end up going home. Wamp, wamp.

Final cry tally: 16

Next week: THE FAT PROM! The teaser was just shots of them struggling to zip up their dresses...I'm not kidding. Get excited. And then get sad. But then get excited again!


The Kuh said...

I did quite a lot of crying...reading your blog. I was laughing so hard. Can't drink anything while reading. Must remember that. Keyboard will thank me. Anyway...

You're right on the money with the "Luke is creepy" statement. My sentiments exactly. That dude would have creeped me out so much on the first night that I probably would have excused myself. But I have enough self-respect to know that this would not be my "last chance at love", too.

Anonymous said...

I think it might should read more like "After she's done puking, Heather crawls into a 'little' ball on the couch and cries herself to sleep"

Love the blog, keep it up!

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

OOOF! Good points all around.

E said...

Umm have you ever seen MTV fat camp waaayyy back in the day (eh, ok like 5 years ago)? Where two of the kids VIOLENTLY make out? It, too, is not precious. I feel like if I watched this show I would have flashbacks of that episode...

Erin Helgerson said...

I noticed two things during last night's episode that disturbed me very much. Like you, the first was Cristina's "Because I'm a bigger girl, no one has ever taken me on a private jet to Vegas for the night" comment. WTF? Are you serious?
Deeply concerned citizen alert number two? How DISTURBING it is that he's making out with ALL OF THEM!!! I just kept thinking, God I hope none of these girls has a cold sore! Yuck. He is gross, and this show makes me want to cry. And normally, that would make me want to eat a big bowl of ice cream, but instead I think I'll go hit the gym. So I don't end up on Season 2.

Anonymous said...

I think I have officially decided I can't watch this show. But that doesn't mean I have any issues reading the recrap! Hilarious.

Accidentally Me said...

I know this show only from The Soup, and now your review. Gotta say, it sounds absolutely AWESOME!!!

hiphophippie.com said...

With the water loss from all that crying, you'd think they'd at least be less bloated. I guess pork chops outweigh tears.

amy said...

The thing that really gets me with the show is how all the girls feel like if they weren't fat then they'd have gone on more dates, jet setted in planes, gone on yachts and have had everything handed to them. Thats not life. Kristian makes me really sad because it seems like she really, really, really likes luke and hes just like a creepy perv. And then when he came out for his date with Christina and he said 'her body is bangin' I laughed out loud and then felt like i needed to shower. I am still not sure why i watch this show.

Ushma said...

I get a dirty feeling every time I see Luke making out with someone.

Anonymous said...

I have to say that the hardest I laughed at any time during last night's show was when Kristian and some other girl leave Luke hand written notes and flowers on the handle of his patio door. (seriously?) but the kicker is that one of the notes began with the words

"Luke, Its the little things...."

UM. in case you havent heard: Luke likes all things BIG. Award for irony-win. award of chubby chaser's engagement ring-fail.

Margo said...

Ok, admittedly I have not seen the show (I do love the 2B1B recraps, of course) but it seems to me that Arianne and Shari are not really all that fat. Maybe it's the photos on the website, or the fact that Shari is wearing a sack for a dress in them, but those 2 aren't quite as hefty as the other ladies. Like not that hefty at all....I want my money back for these two "fatties."

~Jamie said...

Damn you for getting me to watch this show... but on a side note... that one one teacher Kristian has CRAZY eyes...

Bill said...

After the first recrap, I expected much bigger girls than what you linked to. They ain't skinny but they still only pay for 1 airplane ticket.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

With the water loss from all that crying, you'd think they'd at least be less bloated. I guess pork chops outweigh tears.

Damnit. I wish I thought of that joke.

Unknown said...

There is just way too much making out on this show. Fat, skinny -- whatever. It looks to me like he's just trying to prove that he's some sort of stud and the girls (the one's who don't look shell-shocked)are just trying to prove that fat girls aren't gross, but what they are really showing is that [some,(these)]fat girls are easy.

The first week I watched because being a former fatty I was intrigued about the concept. Now I watch b/c it's like freaking train wreck.

Ruth said...

I know you're the guru of bad/awesome reality television, so you may already be an avid watcher, but in case you're not, you must tune in to "Holidate" on SoapNet. The premise: 2 women swap cities and set each other up on 3 blind dates with male friends in their city- looking for a chance at love. It's on Wednesdays at 10 pm. My friend and I watched the first two episodes last night (yes, I had DVR'ed said bad show), and could not stop cringing, laughing, and making fun at the outrageous one-liners
(i.e. Contestant 1: So, what are some of your non-negotiables?
Contestant 2: Well, i'm not a big fan of Pisces")

You should definitely check out it. I doubt you'll be disappointed!

Razorblade Brain said...

Just happened upon your blog. Find it hilarious. Now I want to start watching the show, but really only to see if the same things I find appalling grace the postings here.


Kathy said...

AAAAAAAND I don't know why I watch this show.

I guess I have to agree with you in that this show is like a train wreck in that it makes you stop, stare, and cringe.

I've said these two sentiments before in my first comment, but BONNIE FTW (though not in the sense that she gets luke, just in the sense that she should win something nice), and GOD LUKE YOU CREEPER.

He seems to have his eye on Malissa especially, with her thin-person head and overweight-person body.

Maile said...

You have to imagine that Luke is going to get stalked by some girl he kicked off.


Ten bucks on Melissa.

Katrina Robinson said...

I, too, think that Luke is seriously creepy. My husband and I refer to him as the rapist because he has that "I want to hold your fat cellulite body down and stick my fat guy wiener in the fat rolls, trying to find your stinky vag" look on his face.

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