8.11.2009

I Didn't Know I Didn't Know I was Pregnant

I spent the better part of this past Sunday watching the I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant marathon on TLC and two things happened as a result:
1.) I may have gone partially blind from accidentally watching the commercial for Treeman Meets Treeman so many times.
2.) I think I'm pregnant.

Because watching the I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant marathon taught me that a combination of the following means you're 100% pregnant: morning sickness, irregular period, fatigue, headache, weight gain and moodiness.

Somewhere in the middle of the marathon, it hit meI have all of the above. What if I'm pregnant and don't know it?! There I am, LOL-ing my pants off at these bitches while I'm knocked up six-ways-to-the-weekend myself! That would happen to me...

Let's consider the evidence:

1.) Morning Sickness: UM. I refer you to a recent post entitled "I'm too sick to blog, but I puked this up just for you," written not two weeks ago on the morning of July 27th. THE MORNING. What if I wasn't sick from my three-way with two orders of cheese fries; what if I was sick from the blatant baby setting up shop in my person? WHAT IF?!?! Also, it's currently 9:36 in the morning, and to be completely honest with you, I've felt better.

2.) Irregular period: I SKIPPED MY LAST PERIOD. (Overshare?) (Yes.) (Well, sorry, but it had to be said.)

3.) Fatigue: Hi. Have you ever met me? I'm tired literally every moment of every day. I know koala bears who sleep less than me. One time I seriously approached my mom that I had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Her reaction? "Yeah you've got CFS alright. Chronic FAT-ASS SYNDROME!" And then she proceeded to crack herself up until she was gasping for air. Whenever I bring this up with her in a, Hey remember when you said this and it scarred me for life? kind of way, instead of feeling guilty, she just re-cracks herself up and goes into a laughing fit that usually ends with, "God I'm funny!" Welp, who's laughing now grandma?!

(PS: This has nothing to do with me being pregnant, but all this Chronic Fatigue Syndrome talk makes me think of one of my favorite moments in Golden Girls history when Dorothy confronts the doctor who didn't believe she was sick when she had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. True story: towards the end of my tenure at Paper Source, my co-worker Scott and I used to recite this monologue back and forth to each other, ruffle our imaginary cowl neck sweaters (as seen at the 1:40 mark) and pee our pants laughing. And then we were told we weren't mature enough to work together anymore, so (after two years of working there) I quit. WACKY MEMORIES!)


4.) Headache: YES! And my eyes have been really dry and itchy. Allergies...or FETUS?!

5.) Weight gain: Was I not just saying I've been feeling all Fatty McGee recently?! AND! I swear to all that is good and holy, I just emailed Becca last week being like, "I've been working out like an insecure sorority girl recently and I'm toning up everywhere but my stomach, what's up with that?" I'll tell you what's up with that: can't tone a FETUS!

6.) Moodiness: I'm going to let Friday's manic drinking game prelude speak for itself. I'm also not saying that I texted Co-Blogger Chris a slew of racially charged text messages regarding Boss #2 on Friday, but I'm also not not saying that I texted Co-Blogger Chris a slew of racially charged text messages regarding Boss #2 on Friday. Tempers flared...racial slurs were utilized...housecleaning and border crossing jokes were cracked...I'm not proud.

So, 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 = FETUS!

And I didn't know! AND YOU DIDN'T KNOW! All the evidence was right here in the blog and neither of us picked up on it! I'm no better than any of those other line dancing, toilet birthing, redneck accidental mothers! Humbling. I suppose I could always take a page from my own book and take a pregnancy test to find out for sure for sures, but frankly, pregnancy tests are expensive and it's a recession. There's always my Italian pregnancy test/enema, but that's one of my favorite souvenirs ever; I don't want to waste it on some fetus that's just going to come out crooked and backwards anyway.

Which reminds me, to my unborn possible fetus, I have this to say to you: you sir and or madam are on your own. Actually, I take that back. If you can survive the following that I've subjected my body to in the past three months alone, then frankly you might be a superhero and I'm keeping you around for safety purposes:
- copious amounts of alcohol
- marijuana
- muscle relaxers
- anti-depressants
- dieting
- strenuous gym work-outs
- Dee Snyder's House of Hair midnight dance parties
- carafes of coffee a day
- sushi
- hair dye
- lack of prenatal vitamins
- increase in resting my laptop on my stomach while using it laying down because I like the way it feels when it gets hot

...I don't treat my body like a temple. I treat my body like a dilapidated trailer park. So I say, game on fetus...game on. Say 'sup to your dad for me:
Photobucket

43 comments:

Tony B. said...

Great post Meg! Your hypothetical baby can one day read this and know just how lucky he/she is to be alive! In fact, it may end up with superpowers...

Ushma said...

Well, first its likely your baby will have a tail or 1 eye with how well you'be been treating it in the last 3 months. But when it comes down to it we will all love the baby like it's our very own, just because it's the very first 2b1b monster baby. :-)

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Poor monster baby...it's going to come out all drunk and awkward and pill addicted and lazy.

The apple does not fall from the tree, my friends.

Lisa said...

ummmm i have this exact debate in my head everytime my period is even one day late (another overshare? whoops). apparently i think immaculate conception is pretty common, too.

and p.s. it's not just hicks that this happens to. have you SEEN mad men?!?!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

GOOD POINT! 60's housewives, rednecks and me. All accidentally pregnant. All questionably fabulous.

liferehab said...

That show terrifies me! I've decided I'm pregnant and don't know it because I have all the symptoms too. Yes, I'm a hypochondriac and I'm driving my bf crazy...

yellowpansy15 said...

Your "Allergies or fetus" comment made me think of all those stupid billboards that say "Heartburn or HEART ATTACK?!?" Have you seen those?

(Completely unrelated comment. I love that you LOL'd over me living on Dickson St. I wanted to follow up with the fact that I moved to Dickson St. from Cox Road.)

Caitlin said...

Bwahaha, "you can't tone a fetus."

I think it might be nature's sick joke that hangovers could feel an awful lot like being pregnant. And I always blame my moodiness on my birth control and work.

You never know, your little monster baby could be president in 2056 or something.

ohhayitskk said...

i have these same thoughts on the daily. that show is the ultimate cautionary tale, i swear.

ohhayitskk said...

i have these same thoughts on the daily. that show is the ultimate cautionary tale, i swear.

Ben said...

Meg:
I find it hard to believe with all the alcohol, pot, and muscle relaxers that no one special managed to slip on in downstairs. Although immaculate conception of another jew would probably piss a lot of people (and the middle and southern sections of America) off. So kudos from one true blue jew to another.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

The phrase "slip on in downstairs" makes me highly, highly uncomfortable. Please know that. <3

Ben said...

Sorry, that was never my intent and perhaps i was a bit overzealous. It seems that as some sort of cosmic retribution your reply had me laugh out loud rather conspicuously while in my cubicle office. The subject and reason for my laugh were both then questioned by several (older) office-mates. So i suppose we are now both highly uncomfortable.

Anna said...

BAHAHAHAHA, "say sup to your dad for me..."

i will help add to your grandpa's BABY'S baby's disformities next week if you wanna?

KC Neal said...

Oh god, it's so sad that I don't have cable. Well, I really hope your fetus grow up to be a hilarious blogger, too!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Bahaha...that's what you get Ben.

ANNAAAAA! Wanna drink this baby away this weekend or are you going to the beach? Let me know! <3

Tine said...

This post is EXACTLY why my friends have banned me from ever watching that show again! I try to calm myself down to prevent a full-out freakout, but then some of the women on that show still have their periods while being pregnant, and there goes my reasoning as to why I can't possibly be pregnant. I even poke at my stomach to make sure that it's still fairly squishy and not firming up with a baby inside!

Ben said...

Having a 20-something summer associate red face is definitely my just dessert. In any case, your post today was hilarious (as usual). For the sake of all of us, please do not stop watching TV.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Done and done, sir.

Lydia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lydia said...

After your last post about the show, I checked it out, but I must have caught the worst episode ever. The chick was on birth control, and no one told her antibiotics make it ineffective. She kept having her period throughout the pregnancy, was already Fatty McGee, and didn't have any symptoms. And I was all, "Damn it, I came here to laugh at her, but this is all perfectly reasonable." And I felt like an asshole.
But this hilarious post has made up for that massive failure, so all is right with the world. Should we start thinking of baby names?

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Yes. And start planning the baby shower. Please have a cocaine cake. Kthnx.

Christine said...

1. My high school boyfriend was very anti-drinking and used to call me every Saturday night to make sure I wasn't boozing...except that I was. My best excuse? That we'd had sex recently and I was trying to abort any potential baby via alcohol poisoning.

2. I think your monster baby and my future children could be great friends. Refer to the drawings in this post for evidence: http://allabouttheafterparty.blogspot.com/2009/06/tlc-special-drinking-game.html

-Christine

Dan said...

(706): I GOT MY PERIOD!
(706): damn. i had names picked out.

Skippy said...

Next up...Maury's paternity tests. I can see the line up now...Jesus, Ghandi, pot dealer, local bartender. Can't wait to see what is in the envelope.

rebecca said...

the babies always come out fine, whats up with that. even that biker chick and the one they accidentally x-rayed.

Please tell me you watched fat chance at love or whatever that show is last night. I had a roller coaster of emotions I need to discuss.

Anonymous said...

I'm just waiting til some reality TV producer combines the series "IDKIWP" and MTVs"16 and Pregnant"....

"16 and I Didn't Know I was Pregnant." A gem of a show waiting to happen.

Anonymous said...

Did you see the IDKIWP episode with the British woman with MS who gave birth to twin girls in the toilet!? Now it made me feel totally guilty when the doctors give "plausible" explanations for why that woman didn't know she was pregnant- but come on! Two children kicking inside your body- how does one not feel that?! And wouldn't one notice just a bit of weight gain with twins? One of the craziest/most disturbing shows on tv

Loretta said...

These symptoms can make someone even crazier when she actually wants to be pregnant (like me).

Caitlin said...

I saw the one with the MS lady...I thought they explained that she couldn't feel anything in her stomach because of the MS. At the end there was some sort of "miracle" that she could feel someone holding her hand, and before she was just numb.

That's the only episode I've seen and it was definitely more than enough.

hiphophippie.com said...

I think at the baby shower we should have a pinata shaped like a baby. Just so this thing knows what it's in for.

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