8.28.2009

Drinking Game Friday has a new roommate.

Before we get to the results of The Great Juno Debate, I would like to take a moment and tell you about my traumatic morning. At 8 o'clock this morning I dragged myself out of bed feeling all Groggy Town U.S.A., stumbled into the bathroom, turned on the shower, adjusted the water temperature, looked down and realized that my left foot was three inches away from the biggest fucking cockroach I have ever seen not confined to the Amazonia section of the National Zoo:
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I am NOT okay. Nothing in my life will ever be okay again.

I didn't even know how to remedy the situation. It was too early in the morning to deal with. I just stood there staring at it in disbelief. Then the fact that it was real and breathing and had it's own zip code finally sunk in and I Super Bowl Shuffled my way out of that bathroom so fast his little cockroach top hat spun. I had no idea how to kill him. There was no fucking way I was going to "get him" with a piece of toilet paper as if he were your average spider. I mean look at that thing! I'd bend down and he'd roundhouse kick me in the face and steal my TV! I ended up throwing my commemorative Michael Jackson issue of GQ on top of him and promptly ran away screaming like a small child. That situation is still there right now. I know I just have to fold up the bathmat and put it in a trash bag and throw it out, but I don't know if I can handle it. I think instead I'm just going to move out and go live with my parents again where the only thing that size in the bathroom not paying rent is Evie.


My skin seriously has not stopped crawling all morning. I keep obsessively scratching myself like a meth addict. You should have seen me in the shower after I killed it. It was like the god damn Crying Game. I fucking hate cockroaches. I would rather a mouse or rat the size of a mini-cooper show up with a monocle and cane all "Ello Govna! I'm bunking with you, I am I am!" than one single cockroach scuttle through my bathroom. Although I should say I have a bizarre thing for mice and rats. I just think they're so effing adorable. When I was a wee little Meglet, I had a giant plastic squeaky rat that I carried around everywhere with me named after Templeton, the rat in Charlotte's Web. (Although I couldn't say Templeton so I called him Tem-Tem-Tem...god I was adorable.)

One night Co-Blogger Chris and I found the most adorable little mouse under the fridge in our Brooklyn apartment:

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I coaxed her into a shoebox, fed her granola and named her Heidi Mousetag (GET IT?! Like Heidi Montag?! BAHAHA!) I begged Chris to let me keep her and he reluctantly agreed for all of five minutes before taking her to Prospect Park to set her free. Which I still frequently bring it up with him and remind him of how bitter I am. Sigh...

Anyway, pestilence aside, here are the results of The Great Juno Debate:

Via comments:

Meg: 41 votes
Andrew: 35 votes

Via Online Poll:

Meg: 66.95%
Andrew: 33.05%

Before we go celebrating my victory, reader Jen referred me to an interview Jason Bateman did with NPR where he basically reveals that neither he nor the director really knew the answer to this question. Which is irritating because if it's meant to be ambiguous than how am I supposed to finally one-up Andrew? I mean, sure more people agree with me but we'll never really know which one of us is right. And that's horseshit. Andrew and I tried to contact Diablo Cody for the answer via Twitter, but she never got back to us. Which is irritating, but Andrew emailed me to specifically ask that I not "go Meghan McCain on her." Ugh...fine.

I'm tempted to take the win, but officially, the results of The Great Juno Debate are inconclusive. So fuck me. I wonder if the cockroach voted. Lord knows he has the opposable thumbs to do it...

I was going to go with Juno for today's drinking game, but it seems that quite a large number of you aren't crazy about it, and you know I fear your wrath. I tried to think of a cockroach related movie but that just made me obsessively scratch myself more. I asked Chris what a good cockroach movie was and he made the completely valid suggestion of the 1996 Jerry O'Connell movie Joe's Apartment. However, neither of us have ever seen it. So I call this The Well Fuck Me Drinking Game:

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Rules:
Drink When:
- Your favorite blogger gets physically assaulted by a cockroach.

Well good now we're all drunk.


Have a fabulous weekend. I'm pretty sure I'm homeless, so if I could bunk with you at a certain point, that would be swell. Has snark; will travel.

57 comments:

Anonymous said...

why is everything suddenly underlined? It is really annoying

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I fixed it, I fixed it...Christ.

Sarsh722 said...

I sympathize. I had worked at my job for six weeks when I went to the bathroom and a cockroach crawled up my pants. [To clarify, I was just peeing and my feet weren't in one place for more than 45 seconds.] When I pulled up my pants I felt what I thought was a dryer sheet. OH NO. I pulled out what I thought was some misplaced Bounce and looking back at me was a cockroach so large it could have impregnated me had it gone two inches further up my leg. Needless to say, I now do a thorough scan of the entire restroom before choosing a stall.

LW said...

Roaches in texas are at least that big, sometimes twice that big. Like prehistoric style. Scary.

Thought you might like to know that my oversharing coworker just explained, in vivid detail, how her mamogram went. In addition, she detailed her experience last night of digging through her 3 year old's shit (she swallowed a penny). I too feel dirty and am itching compulsively.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

That's heinous. I just don't understand people. Or cockroaches.

LaraS said...

OMFG is appropriate here. I DESPISE cockroaches. I would have been scratching myself like a junkie after that, too. Did you notify your landlord?

And, Sarsh722, holy shit. Now I actually am scratching like a junkie.

Caitlin said...

I am only semi-ashamed to say that I slept on my couch the other night after discovering a roach in my room...And after my mom told me she would not drive an hour to my house to kill it.

Caitlin said...

Eesh! We get those a lot in Louisiana, but that doesn't make me any more okay with them. I still remember being at my parents' house, final semester of college, 2 in the morning, finishing my portfolio and one of those fuckers started flying around my bedroom. I had to pack up my laptop and sleep on the couch that night.

Why are we the ones losing out on our space to those things!?

Grant said...

I see smashed-up dead cockroaches around the NYU library fairly frequently. I'm really glad that someone is killing them, but I sure do wish they'd clean up, too. Is that too much to ask?

On a related note, on at least two separate occasions I have woken up with a mosquito bite and convinced myself that I had bed bugs, then spent an hour in the middle of the night closely inspecting my mattress for bed bugs or their feces. It's almost as bad as that recurring nightmare I had all of middle school where I kept getting killed by a giant rock. At least I'm still alive and bed bug-free.

laur1118 said...

As my sister and I recently had a little cockroach infestation (and I had never seen a cockroach in my life and was in complete denial for a good month), I have some advice....because let's face it, where there's one, there are 1,000 more.
Have a dustbuster? If not, so very worth the investment (just checked target.com - $34.99) You just suck those little bastards right up, keep the sucking action going once they're up and then shake the dustbuster like it owes you money. Then you can be sure they're dead and won't crawl back out.
Also - Raid - the spray is fun in that instead of coming home late night and turning on the light and seeing them scatter, you see a couple here and there poisoned and twitching in their last minutes of life. You then cackle victoriously.
If you'd rather not spray the poison around, the Roach Baits and Egg Stoppers work wonders.
I realize these are mostly obvious methods for roach murder, but I'm just so proud of our recent victory on the war on roaches I just had to share.
But seriously....dustbuster....

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Well double fuck me. Now I think I have bed bugs.

Heather said...

Stop. Freaking. Yourself. Out.

What are you going to do if the cockroach is *not* under the magazine anymore??

lunch at 11:30 said...

cockroaches, i'm convinced, are from the depths of hell. my heart goes out to you.

i hate having to throw out perfectly good magazines and bathmats b/c of effing cockroaches. it's just not right.

Sean said...

She hasn't responded yet because you just sent her into shock.

James said...

God job nutting up and killing the bastard. I'm absolutely convinced the bugs and especially spiders remember faces. If I try to kill one, I make sure I get it done cause all I can think of is them getting away and telling their little bug/spider friends and them crawling on me in my sleep and putting eggs in my ears to get back at me. I freaking hate bugs.

*shudder shudder*

Helena said...

I have zero sympathy. When you pass out watching Top Chef and finally roll off the couch to head up to bed and step on a slug, we can talk. True story.

jessie said...

Can we have more great debates. they brighten my day.

Chris said...

Grant! The EXACT SAME THING happened to me a few months ago. I was convinced I had bedbugs (if you suspect this, never EVER Google bedbugs because those things are friggin' invicible) so I spent two nights rifling through all of my bedding searching for clues. Luckily I, too, am bed bug free.

Heather said...

Oh yeah, I forgot to ask if you've ever known anyone to get a cockroach in their ear? It happens. A lot. Buy cotton balls on the way home.
Sorry.

Anonymous said...

well, now that cockroach is gonna be moonwalking. really, you GQ'd it???? shoulda stomped on michael's face until you heard a crunch.

elise said...

So, I am like, an old-school blogger (meaning, in Internet years I am nearing retirement age even though in real years I am on the west side of 30). Also, west side may not make any sense initially but then when you think of a line W____30____E it does. And now you have a little view inside my head.

ANYWAY! All that old-blogger intro was to say that I don't normally find new blogs or get all super excited and squee-y about the ones I do...until now! It's like young love, all over again. I can't get enough of my 2birds1blog fix.

So, keep on keepin' on, I would definitely get a new bathmat, and I have started watching My So-Called Life because of your glowing reco and drinking game last week.

Thanks for the entertainment!

Anonymous said...

similar situation the other day. i just moved into my apt and left a plate in the sink and came home and thousands of killer ants were crawling all over it. i can't stop itching/dreaming about ants

Eleanor said...

I'm right there with you about that cockroach disaster. I was cooking dinner last night (in an attempt to cheer myself up from a particularly horrendous thursday) and I reached into the spice cabinet to get some pepper. And as I pulled my hand back, clutching the pepper canister, there was a freaking roach sitting on top of the salt container that was RIGHT NEXT to the pepper I just grabbed. And it was just staring at me.

So I screamed, dropped the pepper, slammed the spice cabinet door shut, and closed my eyes, praying that the next time I opened it, it would be gone.

I will probably be ordering take out for the rest of the weekend.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

OK. Jesus fucking Christ, I have 3 things to say:

1.) Thank you Elise, that's so sweet of you! <3

2.) If that cockroach isn't under the magazine when I get home, I am seriously whoring myself out for a place to stay tonight.

3.) All of these cockroach/various insect stories are exasperating my meth-face itching problem. Big time.

Anonymous said...

I second the dustbuster idea. I had two in the apartment I lived in in Dupont Circle in DC, the first one was so big that when it ran under the bathroom scale it didn't fit all the way. One leg was sticking out and it ran under so fast I wasn't sure what it was...it's leg was so big at first I thought it was a mouse tail!

But I grabbed the Dustbuster I keep in the bathroom to get the stray kitty litter with, sucked him up, ran to the alley outside my building with it still running, emptied the canister on the ground and beat the giant sucker to death right there with the handle of the Dustbuster. The second roach I saw was smaller so I just emptied the canister in the toilet and watched him drown.

Now in my new place I saw a centipede as big as a roach - the Dustbuster trick worked there as well though it took too long to drown so I just flushed 'em right away.

Lydia said...

I too, fear and despise any type of bug; and I have to share my gross bug story like everyone else. Sorry we're exacerbating your problem, but you started it.
I was asleep one night and kept having a dream that I was crying. And I had the most distinctive and real feeling of the tears running down my face again and again. Can you see where this is going? Yup. I woke up and there was a bug crawling around ON MY FACE! I slapped the bajeebers out of it (using the blanket and not my bare hand because I couldn't bear touching it with more skin), then washed my face and slathered it with hand sanitizer. I did not sleep after that.

Anonymous said...

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LifeIsThisIt said...

Back in the 80's when young graduates dressed in suits and pantyhose to go on job interviews, I was living on Beacon Hill , a roach infested section of Beantown. I took a shower in preparation for my "big interview" then proceed to dress, when I put on my pantyhose I completely wigged out when I discovered once I had them on, that a cockroach had crawled inside. The bugger is trapped against my skin in my tight nude hose. Needless to say, I was freaked out. I corrected the issue went on the interview, proceeded to tell the hiring manager my horrific story and got the job because, I would like to believe, my story was compelling.

Brian said...

You'd appreciate this story then. A few years ago, my girlfriend THOUGHT she heard a cockroach in her dorm room. No visual evidence, just a subtle rustling near the trash can. Her roommate had previously moved out, so she was alone in the room with the rustling.

She straight up moved to her sister's apartment for almost two weeks. I lived in another state at the time, so that was where she "felt safe from the roaches."

She did finally go back after a while. Never found out if it was a roach or not.

So yeah, you wouldn't be alone in moving out because of a roach. Been there, done that.

Anonymous said...

I once threw a bowl on top of a roach, and then called my dad asking him to come home (from work) and kill it. He hung up on me. I stayed at least 10 feet away from that bowl all day until, finally, someone came home to kill it. I f'ing hate roaches.

emily said...

Yeah, bowls/tupperware/cups work really well. But only if you have a roommate you can go to and say "when you get up, please take care of the upside down solo cup in the middle of the living room floor. kthx!"

And believe me, it took ages before I could even work myself up to trapping them in empty kitchenware.

I once reached into a closet and pulled my arm out with a cockroach on it. OMG, I am now reliving that nightmare...

jen toppe said...

in charleston, thats an infant cockroach my friend. down here we call them palmetto bugs, and they FLY. and they are HUGE. and terrifying. and i have slept wrapped up like a burrito in my comforter in a 90 degree apartment more than once for fear of one of them landing on my face in the middle of the night.

shit. i hope telling you this doesn't mean you're never gonna visit me.

Caitlin said...

I have literally climbed on top of a television set to escape from a cockroach. Give me a mouse, rat, spider, snake, anything. Fuck I've caught an opossum before. Cockroaches, no, never, ever. I swear the little spikes on their legs are MEANT for death.

*Shudder*

Also, love this blog. Glad I stumbled upon it, it's probably the most hilarious thing ever, even more so then that turtle raping that shoe.

Beth said...

might I share my own previous encounter with a less than desired apartment guest, though mine was a Centipede, which I would argue is a helluva lot worse than a cockroach, given the leg to body ratio:

http://omgindustry.blogspot.com/2009/05/perils-of-living-alone.html

Harriet Olivia said...

A cockroach once crawled across my leg when I was having sex. That makes me sound like a crack whore doin' it in a back alley, but it was actually in a grody hostel shower cubicle in NYC.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I'll still visit you Jen, I'll just be in a hazmat suite when I do.

Tricia said...

The mouse is very cute, I would try to keep him for a pet. The cockroach is a different story. I would be so grossed out, I would have to move. I would have problems sleeping and couldn't eat any food unless I just bought it. Good luck. I hope your rodent problem clears up.

Anonymous said...

It's funny how one little cockroach can turn all are lives around. I hate how they wiggle their little antennas around it's like they're taunting you... or maybe they're calling they're cockroach friends... I feel like they're under my feet now. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!

Green Blog said...

I was at a party once where someone found a large hornet resting on the wall next to the barbecue... They had enough beer that hitting it with a small sledge hammer seemed like a good idea. Let's just say the wall didn't look so good afterwards!

I think the sledgehammer would have been appropriate for your nuclear freak of a cockroach!

P.S. I found your blog on the BloggersChoiceAwards website and think it is great! I voted for you, I write for the Our Everyday Earth - Green Blog and wondered if you would vote for us in the best Education blog category;

http://bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/78212

Thanks in advance :)

Belle said...

I totally won't judge you if your move out and seek therapy. I for sure had to do the same WHEN I COCKROACH CAME OUT OF MY LOOFAH ONTO MY ARM IN THE SHOWER. Yep. Feel better yet? Glad I could help.

Mike said...

Ohmygod. Once I was in India with my short Asian friend and a performer named Charlie. Well, me and short fry went exploring in the palace where we were staying, and got trapped in this room with a ceiling that was lowering perilously and trying to crush us. It didn't help that spikes also came out of the ceiling and floor! So, we called to Charlie to help...all she had to do was pull a lever that was in a hole next to the door, but it was full of bugs! She was all like "OMFG! No F'ING WAY!!!!11!!1!" and I got a little short with and wuz all like, "We are going to die." So, she put her hand in there and pulled the lever, saving the day, but not before getting some of the largest and most ickiest bugs all over her arms, neck and hair. Then we all laughed and laughed, but actually we almost died like 8 more times within the next 45 minutes. I even almost got my still beating heart ripped out of my chest, but I'll get to that when you inevitably blog about a similar experience.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I still think my experience was scarier.

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Anonymous said...

[url=http://www.pi7.ru/seks-sekrety/2030-vozmozhnye-posledstviya-netradicionnoy-izmeny-muzhu.html ]слишком многого хочу от других людей. [/url] У меня есть любовник,так как мужу до меня дела нет. Поэтому прошу не развивать эту тему тут тема про другое. Муж в частых командировках. И когда ое там мы встречаемся с любовником у него дома.
Он очень ко мне привязан, для него это не столько секс, он ведёт себя как по уши влюблённый .
Всё для меня делает, каждыйц день гладит везде где только можно целует, обнимает, и посмотрит влюблёнными глазами.
Не хочет отпускать ни на шаг. Когда приезжает благоверный мы видимся редко. Но я могу всё сделать для того сыскать время его на пару часов увидеть. Позвонить. Мы оба каждый вечер в мессенжере. Он мне никогда не пишет сам. Ну порой может. А когда я ему пишу он ответит что-то коротко и всё. Ничего не спросит, ничего от себя не скажет. И так каждый день. Иногда мне казалось что он просто меня забывает. Но когда у нас появляется вполне вероятность видеться.Т.е. благоверный в командировке, машина в моем постановлении и т.д. и я приезжаю к нему, так он весь пылает от любви ко мне. Говорит что не может без меня..
Как можно обьяснить его нежелание пообщаться в МСН???

Anonymous said...

Моя подруга порой общается по скайпу с моим мужем, который работает в данный момент в другом гороед. Как-то благоверный позвонил и сказал, что она ему написала пару сообщений в каком-то непонятном полулюбовном стиле, типа "милый-дорогой, ты абсолютно забыл меня" и т. д. Мне, естественно, это не понравилось, я спросила у подруги, что к чему. Она начала смеяться то ли смущенно, то ли нервно. Сказала, что она перепутала, хотела отправить сообщения своему парню, а отправила моему мужу. Я, естесственно, понимаю, все бывает. Но в последствии этой истории на душе все точно еще какой-то осадок остался. Меня задевает то, что она супругу моему ничего не сказала про то, что сообщения не ему предназначались. А вы бы обиделись на подругу в такой ситуации?
к стате сериаллы и фильмы я качаю с [url=http://www.2nt.ru/go/pi7.php]Мегаполиса Pi7[/url] причем бесплато. :) можете пользоватся. Лучше чем локалка.Если канечно ссылка не нужна можете и удалить.

Anonymous said...

Парень предлагает пожить в гражданском браке , а мне может показаться на первый взгляд что гражданский брак это что-то не подразумевающее под собой серьёзных отношений . Нечто с чем просто можно расстаться просто собрав вещи и разбежаться с мотивацией "не сошлись нравами".Это так как было несерьёзно . Мне хочется стабильности и пресловутого мужского плеча , но для мужчин по-моему брак ничего символичного в себе не несёт и ответственности не налагает , он воспринимается только пачкотнёй в паспорте и буквально каждый день можно развестись.Для меня совместное размещение не может быть пробным .Я так как дама, мне нужно будет обустраивать гнёздышко и делать уют ,строить какаие-то планы чтобы тогда а в случае в случае если что не так с этим расстаться ?Я как-то заблаговременно с этим не согласна .А как-бы вы опступили на моём месте ?
к стате сериаллы и фильмы я качаю с [url=http://www.2nt.ru/go/pi7.php]Мегаполиса Pi7[/url] причем бесплато. :) можете пользоватся. Лучше чем локалка.Если канечно ссылка не нужна можете и удалить.

Anonymous said...

Как пишут на Soki.tv Девушки, скажите сексуальная совместимость миф или же реальность?
есть 2 сексуальных партнера, размер позы движения приблизительно одинаковые,а вот эффект кардинально разный, не могу взять в толк отчего так, это со мной что то не так или же это нормально? это от головы идет или же чистая физиология??? помогите разобраться
К стати меня можно найти и в поисковых системах по нику Rinata Pi7

Anonymous said...

Интересный факт на Soki.tv Сразу прошу тех, кто зашел поприкалываться- идти мимо этой темы! Дело в том, что неделе две назад появилась не очень большая шишечка чуть выше половых губ.. когда ее трогаешь, ощущаешь словно шарик внутри, который побаливает, в случае в случае если его задеть. думала пройдет, но он не проходит.. что это может быть? Может ли быть инфекция от бритья к примеру? Опять таки, умники, идите мимо!
К стати меня можно найти и в поисковых системах по нику Rinata Pi7

Anonymous said...

Заметил такую тенденцию, что в блогах появилось много не адекватных комментариев, не могу понять, это что кто то спамит так? А зачем, чтоб падлу комуто сделать))) Имхо глупо…

Anonymous said...

В семье и муж и жена равнаправны, особенно жена Не успела доярка сойти с трибуны, как на нее тотчас же влез председатель колхоза Шампанское по-домашнему: водка под шипение жены. Я ох?еваю, – сказала, надуваясь, пиписька

Anonymous said...

решил помочь и разослал пост в соц. закладки. надеюсь поднимется популярность.

Anonymous said...

Что-то не вижу форму обратной связи или другие координаты администрации блога.

Anonymous said...

Искал реферат в Яндексе, и набрел на эту страницу. Немного информации по моей теме реферата набрал. Хотелось бы побольше, да и на том спасибо!

Anonymous said...

Пасибо за материалы! :)
Respect www.2birds1blog.com

Anonymous said...

Сразу скажу, интересно как у вас, но не критика, что типа манипулирую. Я в последствии развода и знать никого не хотела, но сестры БМ все на моей стороне, мы коляски сообща катали, с детьми друг у дружки сидели, они и в данный момент ко мне бегают. Говорят, развелись и развелись, а дети наша кровь, значит, и ты наша. Живем в поселке гор. типа.|Были сегодня у врача, нам сказали, что к 12 месяцам (не к 14-18 или же 20), а именно к 12 мес и 00 дням малыш обязан как МИНИМУМ знать 10 слов, знать как выглядят и кричат 6-7 животных, собирать пирамидку по размеру, знать и находить окружающие предметы, игрушки, детали одежды, знать и выказывать ВСЕ части тела, скажите это все реально? так как это минимум, а что тогда середина или же максимум? у кого малыш коему только сегодня исполнилось 12 месяцев все это умеет? что более всего напрягло - врач сказала, что кто умеет меньше - это недоразвитые дети 0_о|Мне приснилось, что я шла домой через поле, и на меня летели жуки, а я от них отмахивалась. Пришла домой и поведала маме, что, мол, жуки идти не давали. Радостно так рассказывала, довольная, что все позади, а потом начала переодеваться. Хотела расстегнуть кофту, а она сплошь покрыта жуками, приподняла ее, а под низом также все тело в жуках. Жутко, никак не могу этот сон позабыть.

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Anonymous said...

я просто плетусь от этого...проверено мной 1000 раз-объём просто шик!!!!

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aboshady said...

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شراء اثاث مستعمل جدة
شراء الاثاث المستعمل بجدة
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شركة شراء الاثاث المستعمل بجدة

 
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