8.14.2009

Everything Drinking Game Friday needed to know about sex, it learned from IFC.

TGIDGF, babies. Before we gets a boozin', two items of housekeeping:

1.) If you live in Canada and requested stickers, they're going out this afternoon. I'm so sorry for the delay. If it makes you feel any better, I'm aware of how much I suck. It's just I had to physically go to the post office to see how much extra postage I'd need...and it's really hot out...and the post office is all the way in Georgetown...and has odd hours...so then I asked my mom to do it...and she forgot...and I'm still pissed about the War of 1812, so it wasn't like I was going to remind her...but then she remembered, so now we're back in business! (FYI: postage to Canada is 13 extra cents per ounce. You're welcome.)

2.) So far, best placement of a 2birds1blog sticker goes to Alex for outside the National Archeological Museum of Athens in Greece. Ta-dow:
Photobucket
Think you can beat him? Shoot me an email: meg@2birds1blog.com

So I'm hoping someone besides me and Laura will appreciate today's drinking game. A few years ago, Laura and I realized that we both had the same disturbing experience during our formative years with the movie Crash. And I'm not talking about the 2004 Sandra Bullock/Matt Dillon/Don Cheadle/everyone you know Crash, I'm talking about the 1996 James Spader fucked-up-six-ways-to-the-weekend Crash. Laura and I were both exposed to this movie at a faaaaaaaaarrrr too young age via the Independant Film Channel. I watched a lot of IFC as a kid because it showed explicit sex scenes, and that was exciting to me at the time. I never had "The Talk." I had IFC. And it fucked me up good.

There are three movies that specifically disturbed the hell out of me:
1.) Crash
2.) Blue Velvet
3.) This movie that I forget the title of, but was about a scientist trying to put hybrids of animals together but he kills all of the cows in his area and runs out of animals to experiment with, so he takes the family dog and combines it with a goat and his wife walks in and there's this half-Jack Russell Terrier, half-goat stammering around the room in pain and she freaks out and I could fucking vomit just thinking about it.

...It's weird when you're 12 and you actually wish your parents had utilized the V-chip because you know you're never going to be able to erase the memory of a stammering goat/dog.

Allow me to share with you the imdb synopsis for Crash:
Since a road accident left him with serious facial and bodily scarring, a former TV scientist has become obsessed by the marriage of motor-car technology with what he sees as the raw sexuality of car-crash victims. The scientist, along with a crash victim he has recently befriended, sets about performing a series of sexual acts in a variety of motor vehicles, either with other crash victims or with prostitutes whom they contort into the shape of trapped corpses. Ultimately, the scientist craves a suicidal union of blood, semen, and engine coolant, a union with which he becomes dangerously obsessed.

The words semen and engine coolant should never be in the same sentence together. Ever. And movies about semen and engine coolant should never be viewed at the tender and impressionable age of 11. Ever, ever. Consider yourself warned. Without further ado, I give you The Crash Drinking Game.
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Rules:

Drink When:
- There's a car crash
- Someone dies
- Someone gets a tattoo
- A famous crash is referenced and/or reenacted (i.e. Jayne Mansfield, Nathaniel West, Grace Kelly, James Dean etc.)
- James Spader and Deboarah Kara Unger have an awkward and frank discussion while having sex
- Someone tries to commit suicide
- Someone is bummed out when said suicide attempt doesn't work
- Someone gets incision-fucked
- "I want really big tits, out to here, so the audience can see 'em get all cut up and crushed on the dashboard."
- You want your childhood back

Shudder, shudder...Welp! Thanks for reading and we'll see you back here Monday morning. Should you be so moved to watch Crash this weekend and need a hug, you can get at us on Twitter, our facebook page or shoot an email. We'll get through it together. Have a great weekend!

48 comments:

Chris said...

Best DGF. Worst movie. James Spader has a very special place in my heart.

Anonymous said...

What does TGIDGF mean? Forgive me, I'm a homeschooled D&D freak living in a basement in Utah. No, Googling it didn't work.

Laura said...

Oh Meg, I thought I'd recovered but this post brought it all back. I can see young Laura wrapped in a crocheted blanket at 2 a.m. and sitting on the floor eating a chocolate/vanilla Dixie cup (enjoying her innocence) and watching the opening credits. I'm shouting at her to stop but she can't hear me! WHY CAN'T SHE HEAR ME?!

Now I need to watch Boston Legal so that I can think of adorable James Spader in a way that doesn't make me sob and question the universe...

emily said...

Anonymous- TGIF (thank goodness it's friday!) + DGF (drinking game friday) = TGIDGF (THANK GOODNESS IT'S DRINKING GAME FRIDAY) :)

Chad said...

TGIDGF = Thank God it's Drinking Game Friday

I'll be honest, I threw up in my mouth a little when I heard "incision fucked". I didn't need to learn about THAT kind of sex.

And I'm sorry ANYONE has seen this movie.

James said...

Why?! Why would you remind me of the horror? It had successfully sunken into the depths of my alcohol-abused brain, and now I'll be thinking about it ALL weekend. God damn it, Meg. Usually I'm excited when a small group of ppl can share the pain, but not this time.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

No, seriously. James Spader fucks Rosanna Arquette's gaping leg incision. It's heinous. Nothinsfdoiwjefoiwjef.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

And I'm sorry James!!!!

Ben said...

in this case, sharing is definitely not caring...

liferehab said...

umm... wtf? I usually love messed up movies (Hard Candy) but this one is a little too much for me..

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

UGH. One time Chris and I accidentally ended up watching Hard Candy because we were all "O HEY Ellen Page!"

That was some weird shit. But def not on Crash level.

poelondon said...

That movie is truly heinous. The other IFC nugget of joy? That would be Boxing Helena. Made me turn my back on Julian Sands forever.

Anonymous said...

I had to read this book in college. If you think the movie is awful, try listening to your graying English professor read aloud the scenes with incisions.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Holy fucking shit.

Anonymous said...

It's funny cause your post starts with talking about Canada and ends by scarring everyone through the power of David Cronenberg, who also happens to be CANADIAN.

We're proud of that, you know.

sixwordstochangetheworld said...

Sophomore year of college, my roommate (who wants The Next Episode to be her wedding song, for the record) and I were all excited because Crash was on TV and neither of us had seen it. We were, of course, thinking of the famous "ohmygod best movie ever" Crash that came out in 2004. We started watching, and we're all, "Huh. THIS is what everyone's been talking about?" And then it keeps getting creepier and we Info that shit and decide that there's no way the famous Crash was from 1996. A quick trip to IMDB later and we realized that we had been TRICKED into watching this very same creepy/fucked up/sexual Crash that you're taking about. So no, I will not be playing your drinking game. But I just may continue to hope that I run into you in Dupont so that we can be best friends. Cool.

Anonymous said...

catherine needs to learn some better dirty talk....

Matt D said...

drink to this movie?

last time i did that i ended up naked in the backseat of someone's car with my car.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

RE: SixWordstoChange...- That's how Laura and I discovered we had the same childhood experience w/ this movie. We were hanging out in college apartment and Co-Blogger Chris happened to be visiting and we were looking for something to watch on TV and Chris was like OH CRASH! I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO SEE THIS! So he flips to it and it's James Spader and Laura and I had simultaneous flashbacks and freak outs.

Don't let Chris' first comment confuse you...he was into it.

RE: Matt D.- HAH! I hear that.

Rick said...

I've never seen the movie, but did I see "incision fucked"? Wow. I'm a perv. and I can honestly say I've never seen, heard or even thought of that one.

Anonymous said...

Dead RIngers was a movie to shock and scar me at a delicate age. Jeromy Irons and Geneviève Bujold, she has 2 vaginas, Jeromy Irons plays crazy twins, one a gynecologist. They switch back and forth exploring the Geneviève special anatomical features. Who could ever conceive of such a plot? But of course the same director to bring us Crash. David Cronenburg

ineedkisses247 said...

I had to read the book version of Crash for a college course called "Masochism in Literature" (at least it was appropriate?). It is even more fucked up then the movie, if you can believe that.

Anonymous said...

Can you make a DGF for a my-so-called-life episode?

Ariane said...

An additional horrible scarring movie is "the girl next door" and no it is not the cute one that came out about the nerdy smart cute boy who falls in love with the porn star next door; it is in fact about the same story that "an american Crime" except this one involves a blow torch... really really awful...

oooohh memories

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Can you make a DGF for a my-so-called-life episode?

BEST. IDEA. EVER.

Yes. Yes I can. See you Friday.

Karl S. Johnson said...

Your quick little 1812 joke was hilarious. I'm just sayin.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Thank you so much for appreciating it. Like seriously. Thank you.

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Kate said...

So I know this was posted years ago but when I read this:
"This movie that I forget the title of... and his wife walks in and there's this half-Jack Russell Terrier, half-goat stammering around the room in pain and she freaks out and I could fucking vomit just thinking about it."
it made me feel a hell of a lot better about the reaction I had over the summer to The Human Centipede. It was so bad that it honestly just took all of my willpower to type the title. And then today I'm in Walmart and I see that they have it in freaking redboxes now! How can you put that movie in a Redbox?! Agh.
Anyway, love ya, toodles.

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then she remembered, so now we're back in business...a bit weird..!

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Since a road accident left him with serious facial and bodily scarring, a former TV scientist has become obsessed by the marriage of motor-car technology.

Best Washing Machine 2012 said...

i found that game funny but i am thinking why its forbidden under 18.

M190va-Review said...

I do not know what IFC meens but drinking games are really amazing and you all should try them at least once in your life.

Vigaplus erectile dysfunction medicine said...

then she remembered, so now we're back in business...a bit weird..!

As seen on TV said...

I think that every person must play at least one time in their life a drinking game. Its just amazing and very funny!

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