Ever since More to Love debuted, I've incorporated into my weekly schedule what I call "Toot Your Own Horn Tuesdays." On Toot Your Own Horn Tuesdays, I go to the gym, come home, do my nails, give myself a facial, pluck my eyebrows, watch More to Love, and for one night and one night only, allow myself to feel really, really good about myself. Last night I broke tradition. When I got home from work, I didn't go to the gym. Instead, I took a home pregnancy test because I'm a psychopath and the I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant marathon scared the ever-living shit out of me:
(FYI: generic brand pregnancy tests are 50% off at the CVS downtown on 14th street. I'm just sayin'...)
As it turns out, I am not carrying the son of God. However, any feelings of relief derived from finding out that I'm not pregnant were immediately canceled out by the realization that this just means I've gained weight. Beer bellies aren't as easy to abort as babies. Or at least they're more expensive.
And speaking of gaining weight! Last night's third episode of More to Love was rich. Rich like the chocolate fountains from which our ladies guzzle. Laura joined me in watching this week's episode and I must say, it was great watching the show with a friend. It was like sharing a really good, juicy, dirty secret with someone that you've been dying to get off your chest and then you do and you have someone to be like, "I KNOW, CRAZY RIGHT?!!??!!" with. It was cathartic.
The beginning of episode three established two things: 1.) Kristian is in love with Luke in a Psychopants McGee kind of way and 2.) I'm 99.9% sure there's a tranny in the house. Moving on...
This week was Fatty Prom 2009! HUZZAH! Luke arrives at the house and tells the girls he understands they were left out of things in high school because of their weight and he wants to be the man to make that up to them. "I think prom is a very special event that most of us missed out on," he says, "So...WILL YOU ALL GO TO THE PROM WITH ME?" BLOKAY, let's stop right there before this crazy train gets any further down the tracks. First of all, hey Luke―you're a bit of a Presumptuous Patrick for assuming that just because these gals are overweight, they must have missed out things in high school like prom, aren't ya? Because prom isn't like a pair of hot pants; you don't have to be super skinny to get in. I would venture that at least five of these ladies had the time of their lives at prom. I mean, shit! Malissa used to be a skinny, bitchy, blond chick! You know she was suckin' dick for coke all night and having the time of her life doing it!
After promposing, Luke gives each girl a box containing a gown for them to wear. And let me tell you: spangly, spangly two-by-four, can't get through the ballroom door. Although to be fair my prom dress was mildly to moderately spangly as well, so I guess I shouldn't hate. But then again I was 17, and what's being 17 for if not wearing spangles and spray tanning the outline of a Playboy bunny sticker onto your pelvis? (However, those spangles dim a bit when they're on a 24-year-old woman hurling herself at a Harland Williams sound-alike on nationally televised reality dating competition.)
So our gals get glammed up and head off to Fatty Prom 2009! Of course because absolutely none of them have an ounce of game, they all cry on Luke's shoulder and tell him the heartbreaking tale of why they never made it to prom. Some weren't asked. Some just went with friends. Some managed to bribe a date. Some went to the Waffle House on I-95 and drown their sorrows in a bottomless order of Chicken-Fried Steak washed down with a boat of gravy. Either way, Luke promises to give each girl the Prom of her dreams. Which doesn't sit right with me. Because who at the age of 20-something is still dreaming about the Prom of their dreams? As you get older, don't you realize that there's something better waiting for you than Prom? Let it go, boo. Let it go.
Back at Fatty Prom 2009, each girl gets some face-time with Luke in the form of a slow dance. Luke has to teach each girl how to slow dance, because, you know, obviously fat people have never danced in their entire life. They exist on a plane parallel to the movie Footloose where if they try to dance, John Lithgow suddenly appears and hits them about the head with a Bible and shoves a chicken wing in their mouth. I swear to god at one point Luke is shuffling a a chick back and forth and she looks down and shrieks, "Look at me! I'M DANCING!!!" What in the fuckity fuck is wrong with you?? You're fat, not paralyzed! It was at this point in the show that Laura slowly looked over at me with wide eyes and said, "I don't think these people have been rejected because of their weight. I mean, if you can shop at Macy's, it might be your personality." No truer words have ever been spoken.
Later, Emme saunters in and throws a curve ball into the evening: Luke's two best friends from college (Chase and Sam) are there! And Chase and Sam are tasked with picking a Prom Queen, who will then go on an individual date with Luke. Ah, Chase and Sam. One is the only black person in a seven-mile radius and the other has a beard and fo-hawk as big as his heart. God bless them.
After some awkward chit-chat and slow dancing, Chase and Sam pick Danielle as Prom Queen. Everyone is shocked and horrified. Specifically Luke, who as he so kindly puts it, "wouldn't ever put Danielle at the top of his list." I couldn't help but wonder if Chase and Sam chose Danielle as Prom Queen just to fuck around with their bro. But I can't let myself think that. Because it's too depressing to think that even on the show designed to make fat girls feel wanted and sexy, Danielle is still asked out as a joke.
However, Danielle isn't exactly doing herself any favors. Her one-on-one date with Luke can be nutshelled using only three words: a, fucking & catastrophe. But because I'm a sick individual, allow me to elaborate. First D-meister wouldn't shut her trap in the limo. She talked about everything and anything and nothing interesting. At one point, the following sentence actually came out of her mouth: "one time my dad dressed in drag at Sea World and that was like, AWESOME memories." (God I'm so jealous I can't say that.)
And speaking of Sea World, Luke takes Danielle to a seafood restaurant. Which is awkward because she doesn't eat seafood. WAMP, WAMP! However she does drink and, of course, eat dessert. So she proceeds to get drunk and deep throat a chocolate covered banana rolled in nuts. No, but really:
After performing sexual acts on a banana that are illegal in six states, Danielle and Luke take a romantic gondola ride. And by romantic, I mean informative and awkward. Curled up in Luke's manly man arms, she confesses that she's never been asked on a second date and is (drum roll please,) a virgin. Danielle. HELP ME HELP YOU HELP YOURSELF! For you see, a date is like a job interview. I wouldn't go into a job interview and say, "HI! My name is Meg McBlogger and I like to do as little work as humanly possible while still getting paid! Oh and I'm never on-time, steal office supplies, order personal things on the company's Peapod account and will talk shit about you on my blog! KBYE!" Because on a job interview, as on a date, you're trying to make yourself look as appealing as possible. I'm not saying to lie about yourself, I'm just saying maybe don't let your Unfortunate Flag fly quite so high. This miiiight increase your chances of getting a second date slightly.
The next day, Luke decides that he still feels so badly about Heather getting sick on their first group date, he invites her on an individual date. And let me tell you, we could all learn a thing or two from Heather about how to act on a date. Because I say god DAMN, she knocked that shit outta the park! I am now the proud captain of Team Heather, because that girl has got some GAME. Not only is she just adorable, but on the date she was breezy, engaging, funny, intelligent, didn't tell him that she can't touch a man without soiling herself, was genuine and SHE initiated the kiss. Madam...hats off to you. That is how you date.
The next night at the pre-elimination mixer, Kristian gets rull, rull creepy. She corners Luke and tells him that she's never experienced anything like this in her entire life and that he's the most amazing man she can think of "since she's been dreaming of princes and princesses and...I think I'm falling in love with you." Krazyface continues in her confessional to say that this is her "one chance at true love." To which I just want to grab her by the shoulders, shake her and say: 1.) You've never experienced anything like this? You just met him. Just because someone is nice to you for once does not true love make. 2.) You are just a baby child. Of course you haven't experienced love yet. Calm down and stop trying to rush it. 3.) You sound fucking crazy right now 4.) This is not your one shot at love. I cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-die that your vagina will not fall off after the show ends. Christ.
In the end, Luke has to eliminate four (count 'em!) four girls. His last pick comes down to Bonnie, Danielle or Kristian. Of course Luke should choose Bonnie because she loves skewered meats, compared bitch-face Christina to the smelly kid next to you in elementary school, and most importantly, hid a doddle of Luke in her cleavage and made him pick it out during the pre-elimination mixer. But, life isn't fair and he picks Krazyface Kristian. But Bonnie has the best attitude about being eliminated ever! She kind of shurgs, looks into the camera and says, "Oh wellz, I would have scared the crap out of his mom," and goes on her way. Oh Bonnie. Laura and I decided you can sit at our lunch table any day of the week. Welcome.
Final Cry Count: 10
Next week: Lauren calls out Kristian for being emotionally unstable in front of Luke! We have our first possible below the belt hookup! Luke dramatically tells Heather he needs to tell her something he's been holding back! GASP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!