After watching Episode 1 of
But that is neither here, nor there.)
So why exactly is
Let me stop myself right there. First of all, Luke is kind of adorable. Sure he's a few pounds over weight, but hell; I'd bang him! He's an attractive plus-sized individual. The show's host, Emme, is also a very attractive, plus-sized individual. Because, you know, bigger people (like any other people) can be attractive. But those other 20 women? Not so much. I'm not just being cruel for cruel's sake when I say this, but these are 20 of the most ugly, unfortunate, homely, poorly-dressed, low-self-esteem ridden, sad women in all of Dress Barn. Seriously. The show is basically just a whole mess of ill-fitting bras, bedazzled nylon, asymmetrical skirt lines and acrylic heels. It's like the casting directors ran into their local mall's Torrid, shouted, "Y'ALL WANNA FALL IN LOVE?" and ran with whoever was desperate enough to go with it. I get that the show is trying to portray "real women," but these aren't real women. Sandy from Iowa wore a bra as a dress and told Luke she was going to teach him to milk a cow. That's not normal. These are ugly women who were picked because they're ugly. The point of the show isn't to portray real women falling in love, it's to show fatties with no game crying about how no one loves them and struggle to get Harland Williams to fall in love with them. And that's fucked up.
Also, besides being ugly, these chicks are...just...sad. And I mean that in both a Sad State of Affairs and literally emotionally sad kind of way. This show is basically going to teach the world that fat people cry. A lot. Every second. Of every day. Want a recap of tonight's episode? Here you go: they all talked about how they've never been on a date and never been in love and no one's ever given them a chance because they're fat and then they all cried. A lot. The end. Again, I reiterate, these are not "average" or "normal" women. There have to be obese women out there who know how to interact with men! Get them! They're out there. I mean, how do you explain all of the brides on Bridezillas?
You just can't help but to feel guilty while watching (and subsequently laughing at)
Poor Luke also can't win in this situation. We all know his pool of women to choose from is busted on purpose. So when he calls them all sweetheart (which he does too much) and gushes about how beautiful and cute they are and how they're just his type and oh-goodness! he just wants to date them all, he comes off like a giant creepshow who's type is fat chicks with low self-esteem. And that's kind of...creepy...and off-putting. After Luke is introduced to the contestants, they have "First Impression Time" where they all get drunk around a pool and vie for Luke's attention. In true dating competition show spirit, making out happens. (To quote my notes, "He just made out with a chick and I don't know. It's just a lot.") Normally when making out happens within 30-seconds of meeting someone on a reality show, I giggle and think "Oh man, what a whore!" However, when it happened on
There were some funny moments of the show, however:
- In the beginning, when asked what kind of woman he's attracted to, Luke says "it doesn't matter if she's blonde or redhead..." but because of his slurry, dead-pan Harland Williams voice, I heard "It doesn't matter if she's a big blob of a redhead." I laughed. Then cried.
- When Bonnie from Portland said, "I just wanna make a pie for a man and have him go, WOW!" I swear to god, rice shot out of my nose I laughed so hard.
- "I LOVE SKEWERED MEATS!" - Bonnie. Again. Bless her heart.
- Every conversation the girls have with Luke during "First Impression Time" is about food. "What kind of dessert do you like?" "What kind of food do you like?" "Did you know I like to cook!" Ok, Ok, we get it! You people like food! Move on! Get some fucking game. Maybe don't talk about savory meat pies for five seconds...
- During "First Impression Time," one of the chicks decides to jump in the pool. (I couldn't tell if she tripped and was trying to play it off, or if she really meant to jump in the pool. This was one of those moments where I wished I had splurged and spent the extra 10 bucks on DVR.) When she's in the pool she says, "I must look like a beached whale!" And then America said a collective, "Yep" in perfect harmony.
- One of my notes is literally, "I just. I can't."
After 45 minutes of watching the show, I was still undecided if I would watch it again. I mean, we're in desperate need of some recrapping around here, but at what price? And then they played the "On This Season of
So I'm sorry mom, but Recrap Wednesdays are officially back. Cringing and feeling incredibly guilty, but back.