After watching Episode 1 of
But that is neither here, nor there.)
So why exactly is
Let me stop myself right there. First of all, Luke is kind of adorable. Sure he's a few pounds over weight, but hell; I'd bang him! He's an attractive plus-sized individual. The show's host, Emme, is also a very attractive, plus-sized individual. Because, you know, bigger people (like any other people) can be attractive. But those other 20 women? Not so much. I'm not just being cruel for cruel's sake when I say this, but these are 20 of the most ugly, unfortunate, homely, poorly-dressed, low-self-esteem ridden, sad women in all of Dress Barn. Seriously. The show is basically just a whole mess of ill-fitting bras, bedazzled nylon, asymmetrical skirt lines and acrylic heels. It's like the casting directors ran into their local mall's Torrid, shouted, "Y'ALL WANNA FALL IN LOVE?" and ran with whoever was desperate enough to go with it. I get that the show is trying to portray "real women," but these aren't real women. Sandy from Iowa wore a bra as a dress and told Luke she was going to teach him to milk a cow. That's not normal. These are ugly women who were picked because they're ugly. The point of the show isn't to portray real women falling in love, it's to show fatties with no game crying about how no one loves them and struggle to get Harland Williams to fall in love with them. And that's fucked up.
Also, besides being ugly, these chicks are...just...sad. And I mean that in both a Sad State of Affairs and literally emotionally sad kind of way. This show is basically going to teach the world that fat people cry. A lot. Every second. Of every day. Want a recap of tonight's episode? Here you go: they all talked about how they've never been on a date and never been in love and no one's ever given them a chance because they're fat and then they all cried. A lot. The end. Again, I reiterate, these are not "average" or "normal" women. There have to be obese women out there who know how to interact with men! Get them! They're out there. I mean, how do you explain all of the brides on Bridezillas?
You just can't help but to feel guilty while watching (and subsequently laughing at)
Poor Luke also can't win in this situation. We all know his pool of women to choose from is busted on purpose. So when he calls them all sweetheart (which he does too much) and gushes about how beautiful and cute they are and how they're just his type and oh-goodness! he just wants to date them all, he comes off like a giant creepshow who's type is fat chicks with low self-esteem. And that's kind of...creepy...and off-putting. After Luke is introduced to the contestants, they have "First Impression Time" where they all get drunk around a pool and vie for Luke's attention. In true dating competition show spirit, making out happens. (To quote my notes, "He just made out with a chick and I don't know. It's just a lot.") Normally when making out happens within 30-seconds of meeting someone on a reality show, I giggle and think "Oh man, what a whore!" However, when it happened on
There were some funny moments of the show, however:
- In the beginning, when asked what kind of woman he's attracted to, Luke says "it doesn't matter if she's blonde or redhead..." but because of his slurry, dead-pan Harland Williams voice, I heard "It doesn't matter if she's a big blob of a redhead." I laughed. Then cried.
- When Bonnie from Portland said, "I just wanna make a pie for a man and have him go, WOW!" I swear to god, rice shot out of my nose I laughed so hard.
- "I LOVE SKEWERED MEATS!" - Bonnie. Again. Bless her heart.
- Every conversation the girls have with Luke during "First Impression Time" is about food. "What kind of dessert do you like?" "What kind of food do you like?" "Did you know I like to cook!" Ok, Ok, we get it! You people like food! Move on! Get some fucking game. Maybe don't talk about savory meat pies for five seconds...
- During "First Impression Time," one of the chicks decides to jump in the pool. (I couldn't tell if she tripped and was trying to play it off, or if she really meant to jump in the pool. This was one of those moments where I wished I had splurged and spent the extra 10 bucks on DVR.) When she's in the pool she says, "I must look like a beached whale!" And then America said a collective, "Yep" in perfect harmony.
- One of my notes is literally, "I just. I can't."
After 45 minutes of watching the show, I was still undecided if I would watch it again. I mean, we're in desperate need of some recrapping around here, but at what price? And then they played the "On This Season of
So I'm sorry mom, but Recrap Wednesdays are officially back. Cringing and feeling incredibly guilty, but back.
47 comments:
I too felt annoyed with how every single one of the girls was going on and on about how this was her only chance at love and how she's never been on a date...blah blah blah.. I also was ready to write off the entire series until I saw the upcoming preview...I'm now hooked. I judge myself.
I didn't see the premiere, I was thinking about watching but was afraid it was going to be pretty much just how you described. I think I'll stick to my Daisy of Love for now.
I love me some trashy reality shows and normally feel excited when contestants get the boot at the end. I honestly felt bad for them, like 'oh dumped again!' And they were all sobbing, not for attention, but because they honestly thought this was their one shot of love. It was really sad and pathetic, but i couldnt turn away. And when Luke was kissing the girls, i felt uncomfortable, like i should turn away and not watch. I find him VERY creepy.
It's bad luck even seeing a thing like that.
Yeah man...when they got eliminated it was just really, really uncomfortable. I really do think the reason why the show doesn't work is because they actually want to be in love, not just be on TV. It changes things in a really weird way.
you missed the Fatchelor
OH NOW THAT'S JUST CRUEL.
Next week when you're suffering through it just think how hard I'll be laughing while reading your "recrap"
I think I love you,
Christina (er... Xtina)
YES. I love shows that make me feel skinny.
My favorite part of today's blog? That you paired "schindler's list" with midget porn.
Yiiikes...good point.
here's a big, fat THANK YOU!
regarding the chick in the pool (who's from baltimore-- figures!): i'm not sure of the sequence of events and how it coincides with her admitting she felt like a "beached whale," but did you see how she got out of the pool? OMG. who does that? who lifts her weight with her arms only to plop her body- belly first- on the pool deck?!
That crazy bitch in the pool wanted to find a way to 'stand out' and tried to get Luke in the pool with her...not happening. The show is 100% fascinatingly creepy and I will def be tuning in every week. The girls are one big collective mess, with the exception of giant boobed Melissa, who looked like the perfect overgrown HS cheerleader to Luke's massive ex-football player self. They would have been couple of the summer had they participated in mtv's best documentary to date, Fat Camp, in thier younger years....
Ugh...yes I did see when Beached Whale got out of the pool. It was tragic. At a certain point I just wanted to shake her and be like, "HELP ME HELP YOU HELP YOURSELF!"
Oh my God, you are hilarious. I cant count the # of times I had to cover my mouth to keep from laughing out loud at work. I love all the clever titles you made up. Also, The Fatchelor was a good one.. use it next time?
An Extra Helping of Love?
yeah. It was really sad and I felt horrible for watching it afterwards. It really bothered me that when they showed each contestant for the first time, the screen showed not only her age and occupation, but also her height and weight. WTF??? Way to keep a kind of ok idea trashy.
I am an 'overweight" girl and this show makes me sad. These girls have no self confidence and just makes anyone who is overweight seem like these desperate losers. As you said Meg, there are decent, attractive, intelligent, confident people who are not a size 2 and they sure did not find those girls. But still.. I am ashamed to say I am hooked. This really is one of those "cant stop looking at the train wreck" shows.
I can't wait to read more of your re-craps. I can be a Reality Show junkie, but I drew the line at this one...but you are tempting me.
I've always loved this blog...and now I have one more reason to love it. You quoted "Clone High," one of my all time favorite shows. Awesome.
MAD RESPECT. Clone High is pretty much like a religion for me and Ex-Co-Blogger Eddie. I would venture to say that 98% of our friendship is spent quoting it.
one of the girls i work with was telling me about it and it sounds just horrifying. i'm not a size six but i know how to dress, act, and holy crap, LOVE MYSELF. those poor girls.
on the upside, i might just start watching it to lol with you on recrap wednesdays! :)
Did you ever consider recapping Toddlers and Tiaras?? Awesomely bad tv, yes please!
Dress Barn. Now why would anyone shop there? Aren't they essentially calling their clients a bunch of cows?
I watched it too! (How embarassing)
Now your recraps can be my excuse for why I watch it from here on out.
I feel like the producers really searched for people with little to no self confidence. There are soooo many big women out there who have tons of confidence. No pun intended.
Oh my god! Someone who has not only heard of Clone High, but has enough sense to quote it when appropriate. Thank you.
"There were some funny moments of the show, however:
- One of my notes is literally, "I just. I can't."
I was in the middle of drinking some water, thank you very much.
Bonnie is my favorite.
Luke is a creep.
Yoou! forward
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