Recrap Wednesdays: More to Love

Believe it or not, I've missed recapping god-awful television on a weekly basis. SO, I've decided to start recapping Fox's new dating competition show, More to Love (or as I call it, Fatties Need Love Too. I like to create my own direct titles for things in my mind. For example, I simplified The Curious Case of Benjamin Button to MAN BABY.) Here's my question: Why? Why did I do that to myself? My life is painfully awkward enough, why did I have to go and force myself to watch an hour of the most ungodly uncomfortable television programming ever? There are some things that are delightfully uncomfortable to watch (i.e. Meet the Fockers; Borat; The Office) and then there are some things that are just really, really uncomfortable to watch (i.e. Schindler's List; The Killing Fields; midget porn). This show falls in the latter group.

After watching Episode 1 of Fatties Need Love Too More to Love, I felt so dirty and wrong that I called my mom and confessed what I had just done. Her response? "Oh, Meghan." But she didn't say it in like a OHHHHH Meghan! GIRL, you so crazy! kind of way. She said it in a Your Mother is Genuinely Disappointed in You kind of way. It was the same "Oh, Meghan" I got when I called to tell her I got an underage drinking citation. (A situation, by the way, that I could not take seriously because I was too busy internally quoting the following from Clone High:

But that is neither here, nor there.)

So why exactly is Yummy, Yummy, Yummy, I Got Love in My Tummy More to Love so offensive? Well, to answer that question we need to take a closer look at what the show is really about. When I first heard about the show, I thought it was about a fit, single, chubby-chaser looking for love. (And I was on board.) Then I realized the bachelor in question is overweight himself, which made me think it was a Bachelor meets The Biggest Loser situation where contestants are eliminated each week according to weight loss. (And I was still on board.) Even after watching the show, I still couldn't really nail the show's shtick down. But I think after a lot of soul-searching and reflection, I've finally figured it out.

Virgin Parade More to Love is about a man named Luke Connelly (26-years-old; 6'3"; 330 pounds) who likes fat chicks. (By the way, Luke has the EXACT SAME speaking voice as Harland Williams. Seriously. It might actually be Harland Williams. Lord knows he's not up to much else.) So out of the kindness of their hearts, Fox put Luke and 20 fat chicks in a house together and each week Luke will eliminate one until he's left with his soul mate.

Let me stop myself right there. First of all, Luke is kind of adorable. Sure he's a few pounds over weight, but hell; I'd bang him! He's an attractive plus-sized individual. The show's host, Emme, is also a very attractive, plus-sized individual. Because, you know, bigger people (like any other people) can be attractive. But those other 20 women? Not so much. I'm not just being cruel for cruel's sake when I say this, but these are 20 of the most ugly, unfortunate, homely, poorly-dressed, low-self-esteem ridden, sad women in all of Dress Barn. Seriously. The show is basically just a whole mess of ill-fitting bras, bedazzled nylon, asymmetrical skirt lines and acrylic heels. It's like the casting directors ran into their local mall's Torrid, shouted, "Y'ALL WANNA FALL IN LOVE?" and ran with whoever was desperate enough to go with it. I get that the show is trying to portray "real women," but these aren't real women. Sandy from Iowa wore a bra as a dress and told Luke she was going to teach him to milk a cow. That's not normal. These are ugly women who were picked because they're ugly. The point of the show isn't to portray real women falling in love, it's to show fatties with no game crying about how no one loves them and struggle to get Harland Williams to fall in love with them. And that's fucked up.

Also, besides being ugly, these chicks are...just...sad. And I mean that in both a Sad State of Affairs and literally emotionally sad kind of way. This show is basically going to teach the world that fat people cry. A lot. Every second. Of every day. Want a recap of tonight's episode? Here you go: they all talked about how they've never been on a date and never been in love and no one's ever given them a chance because they're fat and then they all cried. A lot. The end. Again, I reiterate, these are not "average" or "normal" women. There have to be obese women out there who know how to interact with men! Get them! They're out there. I mean, how do you explain all of the brides on Bridezillas?

You just can't help but to feel guilty while watching (and subsequently laughing at) Lonely 'n Homely More to Love. You know how "normal" dating competition shows are so entertaining because watching a bunch of vapid fame whores fight over a guy so they can be on television is funny? Well let me tell you, when you replace those women with fat chicks with low self-esteem who genuinely just want someone to love them, it's really not as funny. To quote my mom, "It perpetuates the idea of Sad Person As Freak. It's sick. It's like watching animals in a zoo." Well put, Mrs. McBlogger.

Poor Luke also can't win in this situation. We all know his pool of women to choose from is busted on purpose. So when he calls them all sweetheart (which he does too much) and gushes about how beautiful and cute they are and how they're just his type and oh-goodness! he just wants to date them all, he comes off like a giant creepshow who's type is fat chicks with low self-esteem. And that's kind of...creepy...and off-putting. After Luke is introduced to the contestants, they have "First Impression Time" where they all get drunk around a pool and vie for Luke's attention. In true dating competition show spirit, making out happens. (To quote my notes, "He just made out with a chick and I don't know. It's just a lot.") Normally when making out happens within 30-seconds of meeting someone on a reality show, I giggle and think "Oh man, what a whore!" However, when it happened on Boners for Pie More to Love, all I could think was, "OH GOD, HE'S TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THAT POOR GIRL!...Slash, I wonder if that's her first kiss?" The show is just so sick and creepy that it's hard to decide if Luke is sick and creepy himself, or if he's really into these women and looking for love. Then again it's a reality show, so who knows what to believe.

There were some funny moments of the show, however:
- In the beginning, when asked what kind of woman he's attracted to, Luke says "it doesn't matter if she's blonde or redhead..." but because of his slurry, dead-pan Harland Williams voice, I heard "It doesn't matter if she's a big blob of a redhead." I laughed. Then cried.
- When Bonnie from Portland said, "I just wanna make a pie for a man and have him go, WOW!" I swear to god, rice shot out of my nose I laughed so hard.
- "I LOVE SKEWERED MEATS!" - Bonnie. Again. Bless her heart.
- Every conversation the girls have with Luke during "First Impression Time" is about food. "What kind of dessert do you like?" "What kind of food do you like?" "Did you know I like to cook!" Ok, Ok, we get it! You people like food! Move on! Get some fucking game. Maybe don't talk about savory meat pies for five seconds...
- During "First Impression Time," one of the chicks decides to jump in the pool. (I couldn't tell if she tripped and was trying to play it off, or if she really meant to jump in the pool. This was one of those moments where I wished I had splurged and spent the extra 10 bucks on DVR.) When she's in the pool she says, "I must look like a beached whale!" And then America said a collective, "Yep" in perfect harmony.
- One of my notes is literally, "I just. I can't."

After 45 minutes of watching the show, I was still undecided if I would watch it again. I mean, we're in desperate need of some recrapping around here, but at what price? And then they played the "On This Season of Starving for Affection More to Love" teaser. And oh...muh...god. They hold a mock prom for Luke and the girls. So they can all finally say they went to prom. And just like that, I'M BACK IN! Why? Well, one time I was walking to work and a man dropped dead in the middle of the street. People crowded around him and started freaking out, calling ambulances, trying to help etc., but I just stood there and openly gawked out of sheer morbid fascination. I was completely aware that this was sick and made me less of a person, but I couldn't help myself. Watching Kentucky Fried Lover More to Love is a lot like that. I have a sickness and I can't help myself.

So I'm sorry mom, but Recrap Wednesdays are officially back. Cringing and feeling incredibly guilty, but back.


Ushma said...

I too felt annoyed with how every single one of the girls was going on and on about how this was her only chance at love and how she's never been on a date...blah blah blah.. I also was ready to write off the entire series until I saw the upcoming preview...I'm now hooked. I judge myself.

Elliot Smilowitz said...

I didn't see the premiere, I was thinking about watching but was afraid it was going to be pretty much just how you described. I think I'll stick to my Daisy of Love for now.

amy said...

I love me some trashy reality shows and normally feel excited when contestants get the boot at the end. I honestly felt bad for them, like 'oh dumped again!' And they were all sobbing, not for attention, but because they honestly thought this was their one shot of love. It was really sad and pathetic, but i couldnt turn away. And when Luke was kissing the girls, i felt uncomfortable, like i should turn away and not watch. I find him VERY creepy.

Margo said...

It's bad luck even seeing a thing like that.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Yeah man...when they got eliminated it was just really, really uncomfortable. I really do think the reason why the show doesn't work is because they actually want to be in love, not just be on TV. It changes things in a really weird way.

Rachel said...

you missed the Fatchelor

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...


Xtina said...

Next week when you're suffering through it just think how hard I'll be laughing while reading your "recrap"

I think I love you,
Christina (er... Xtina)

hiphophippie.com said...

YES. I love shows that make me feel skinny.

Anonymous said...

My favorite part of today's blog? That you paired "schindler's list" with midget porn.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Yiiikes...good point.

heather said...

here's a big, fat THANK YOU!

regarding the chick in the pool (who's from baltimore-- figures!): i'm not sure of the sequence of events and how it coincides with her admitting she felt like a "beached whale," but did you see how she got out of the pool? OMG. who does that? who lifts her weight with her arms only to plop her body- belly first- on the pool deck?!

Christine said...

That crazy bitch in the pool wanted to find a way to 'stand out' and tried to get Luke in the pool with her...not happening. The show is 100% fascinatingly creepy and I will def be tuning in every week. The girls are one big collective mess, with the exception of giant boobed Melissa, who looked like the perfect overgrown HS cheerleader to Luke's massive ex-football player self. They would have been couple of the summer had they participated in mtv's best documentary to date, Fat Camp, in thier younger years....

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Ugh...yes I did see when Beached Whale got out of the pool. It was tragic. At a certain point I just wanted to shake her and be like, "HELP ME HELP YOU HELP YOURSELF!"

Sole Matters said...

Oh my God, you are hilarious. I cant count the # of times I had to cover my mouth to keep from laughing out loud at work. I love all the clever titles you made up. Also, The Fatchelor was a good one.. use it next time?

Rachael said...

An Extra Helping of Love?

Anonymous said...

yeah. It was really sad and I felt horrible for watching it afterwards. It really bothered me that when they showed each contestant for the first time, the screen showed not only her age and occupation, but also her height and weight. WTF??? Way to keep a kind of ok idea trashy.

Anonymous said...

I am an 'overweight" girl and this show makes me sad. These girls have no self confidence and just makes anyone who is overweight seem like these desperate losers. As you said Meg, there are decent, attractive, intelligent, confident people who are not a size 2 and they sure did not find those girls. But still.. I am ashamed to say I am hooked. This really is one of those "cant stop looking at the train wreck" shows.

Skippy said...

I can't wait to read more of your re-craps. I can be a Reality Show junkie, but I drew the line at this one...but you are tempting me.

R Dubs said...

I've always loved this blog...and now I have one more reason to love it. You quoted "Clone High," one of my all time favorite shows. Awesome.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

MAD RESPECT. Clone High is pretty much like a religion for me and Ex-Co-Blogger Eddie. I would venture to say that 98% of our friendship is spent quoting it.

Anonymous said...

one of the girls i work with was telling me about it and it sounds just horrifying. i'm not a size six but i know how to dress, act, and holy crap, LOVE MYSELF. those poor girls.

on the upside, i might just start watching it to lol with you on recrap wednesdays! :)

Anonymous said...

Did you ever consider recapping Toddlers and Tiaras?? Awesomely bad tv, yes please!

Will said...

Dress Barn. Now why would anyone shop there? Aren't they essentially calling their clients a bunch of cows?

Anonymous said...

I watched it too! (How embarassing)

Now your recraps can be my excuse for why I watch it from here on out.

I feel like the producers really searched for people with little to no self confidence. There are soooo many big women out there who have tons of confidence. No pun intended.

steffington said...

Oh my god! Someone who has not only heard of Clone High, but has enough sense to quote it when appropriate. Thank you.

Kathy said...

"There were some funny moments of the show, however:
- One of my notes is literally, "I just. I can't."

I was in the middle of drinking some water, thank you very much.

Bonnie is my favorite.
Luke is a creep.

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