7.13.2009

Ludacris's "Fantasy" is full of it

Porn is ruining lives.

Now, I’ve seen my fair share of pornographic videos (have I written this before? I’m having serious blogja vu right now), but it seriously warps your idea of what good sex should be. What you forget is that porn is all about the visual, more for self-love than making love. Try any position you see in porn, and it’s immediately uncomfortable, because while it looks hot as hell, your leg is not supposed to bend that way, and penises should not make obtuse angles with your torso.

But one of porn’s worst side effect of porn, by far, is the different locales these movies are set in. To illustrate my point, I present to you the 7 Most Overrated Places to Have Sex. (May I say that I am in no way an expert on this matter. Merely my opinion. If you’ve done it in any and every one of these places and it’s been spectacular, then a tip of the hat to you, and I’d love to hear your tales of wonderment. If I’ve omitted an overrated boning location, please let me know.)

7 Most Overrated Places to Have Sex

1. The beach. I think this might be one of the most common sex fantasy locations.
In theory: Get a blanket, settle down on a starry night, and get busy with the sounds of waves crashing as your aphrodisiac. Nothing could be more romantic than that.
In practice: Sand. Everywhere. You soon realize you have more nooks and crannies than an Thomas’ English muffins because every single one of yours has sand in it. And you seriously underestimated how cool the ocean breeze was. Goosebumps are sexy when they happen once or twice, not when they are constant. God forbid the tide come in mid-coitus.

2. The woods. This is a personal favorite of mine. I’ve always thought that getting your freak on in a nice wooded glen would be the ultimate.
In theory: Birds chirp as the leaves’ shadow dance playfully across your lover’s skin.
In practice: Leaning up against a tree hurts. That bark is not a comfortable body pillow. It is scratchy and there are ants crawling all over it. Likewise, you lay down in the grass, and who knows what creatures/insects are going to interrupt the mood. Nothing says sex less than bug bites. Except maybe a rash, sexually transmitted or otherwise. In the woods you are at least 600 times more likely to contract poison ivy. On your taint.

3. The kitchen. This might be one of the first place people go in their own home when they leave the boudoir because it’s so far removed from the bedroom.
In theory: All that counter space can lend itself to some interesting positions, and while you’re in the kitchen, why not grab some whipped cream and strawberries.
In practice: Let me stop you right there. Whipped cream = a sticky mess, even after you’ve licked the majority of it off of someone’s nether regions. But the food aside, there really aren’t a whole lot of places you can maneuver yourself in the kitchen. Leaning over a counter maybe but all that thrusting and you’re bound to concuss yourself on a cabinet. Same goes for sitting on the counter. And let’s face facts, you prepare/eat food in there. Unsanitary.

4. The stairs. This one might be a little less common, but I’ve seen it in a film or two and thought it looked hot.
In theory: You are on different levels, so it’d be easier for certain positions. And maybe you’re up for the challenge.
In practice: First and foremost, stairs are pretty narrow, so trying to find a comfortable way to kneel or sit on them is going to be difficult. Have you ever tripped up the stairs and banged your shin? Hurts donut? Imagine doing that repeatedly over and over again. Not pleasant. Also, god forbid one or both of you lose your balance, because you’re going to break an arm, or at least hurt your pride.

5. Car. I had a friend tonight tell me he’s done this. In traffic, no less. I say “Kudos, but good god what kind of yoga do you know how to do?” Most people just park their jalopy on Lover’s Lane and fog up some windows.
In theory: It’s sort of the quintessential place for teenagers to fool around, so I’m sure everyone’s done it at one point or another. Plus, even non-porn movies romanticize boning in cars. Or in the beds of trucks. Or the backs of vans.
In practice: In short, that’s not what cars are made for. You can’t fully enjoy yourself when you’re getting a face full of door handle. And in my experience as a passenger in cars, most backseats have pretty low head room. Sex is supposed to be mind blowing, not brain bashing. Also, police knocking on your steamed up windows can shrink a boner in 5 seconds flat. Fact! (Fun story: I had a friend who was fooling around with her boyfriend in a parked car when the policeman knocked on the window and shined a light on her topless…the policeman being her friend’s father.)

6. In front of a fireplace. Another romanticized location, as seen in many Skinemax flicks.
In theory: Firelight. Bearskin rug. Passionate sex. Maybe some candles. How many romance novels are centered around exactly this?
In practice: This might be a personal negative for me, but does anyone else think this would be the sweatiest, least sexy thing ever. Everything about that says hot to me, literally and not figuratively. I’m not going to be in the moment when I’m thinking about how much sweat is pouring from my forehead.

7. Pool/Jacuzzi. Like Will Ferrel and Rachel Dratch at the Welshley Arms “although the waters above appear calm, below the surface there is a frenzy of activity.”

In theory: Hot. Nothing is better than relaxing, enjoying spiced meats, and getting some.
In practice: Three words. Urinary Tract Infection.

26 comments:

Christa said...

Shower.
In theory: hot and steamy action
In practice: seriously hazardous

Anonymous said...

Gotta say the woods are my fav! I have never had a problem with them and love getting naked off the hiking trails!

Caroline said...

I tried to do it on the beach once and not only was the sand really uncomfortable and got wedged everywhere, but my partner was attacked my a swarm of mosquito's. The next day, he had so many spots on his back that it looked like he had leprosy.

The Laundry Room is another overrated place to do the dirty.

Anonymous said...

I would like to second the Shower.
And I would like to elaborate on why.
1.sure, soap is slippery, slippery is fun, but just like you don't want to get soap in your eye....
2. Starts off hot and steamy, gets hot and uncomfortably sweaty. But there's a easy fix, you either turn down the temp of the water, or turn if off completely--- and within 5 mins you are shivering.
3.(and this should have been in the hot tub one too) Water does not mix well with our own love juices... causing not nice friction
4. balancing, on a wet slippery surface, in a position without much leeway-- with your head jutting just mere millimeters away from the very, very, very solid shower wall.

5. In the throes of passion you start to loose your footing and reach for closest leverage you've got.... and the shower curtain comes tumbling down... you lose your balance = obtuse angles, and probably some head to wall contact.

Lemmonex said...

Food in general just is bad news bears. If you are contemplating laying a tarp down, it is not sexy!

Gen said...

i third the whole shower thing too! absolutely not comfortable!

Alex said...

Ski lift gondola. You have 8-12min, and it's -15C outside.

Sole Matters said...

I agree with the food thing, chocolate is sticky. I have tried the hot tub thing and the back seat thing. I am a 5'2" girl, so the back seat thing wasn't so bad at 3am in front of my house. The hot tub was okay, but after a while its annoying.

gwgirl said...

i've had sex in the woods. mosquitoes definitely ruined the mood.

Anonymous said...

Hot tub + sex + lots of steam = passing out. And fainting half way through sex is always unsexy.

cincoalto said...

shit. i've just discovered your awesomeness. now i need to quit my job so i can just read and laugh...and laugh and read...and laugh and laugh and laugh all day long.

Christine said...

All of those definitely deserve to be on the list, but I've personally had some great times on the beach. The key is to put down a towel first and somehow keep the sand away from your special places.

Most random/adventurous places I've ever done it? In a storage unit the day I moved out of school junior year, on my roof deck, and on my Hanover St. (Boston) balcony a few weeks ago. I have shockingly not been caught in any of these locations. Three cheers for public sexy times!

Patrick said...

A friend of mine in college had sex on a fire truck with a fireman and said while it was pretty much like playing out one of her fantasies, she didn't think about how messed up her back would be by the metal flooring.

I had sex in a pool once at college. It was cool once we were in the pool and bumping uglies, but jumping the fence and twisting my ankle was not cool. "Luckily" I was pretty drunk so I didn't know I'd messed up my ankle until the next morning.

Anonymous said...

Nothing says sexy like getting a tick in your butt crack while having sex in the woods.

Ashley said...

I have to disagree on the shower. <3 shower sex- especially when you have a removeable showerhead with a pulse setting....

Sex in the woods is a bad call. I legit have a SCAR from having sex in the woods. Goddamn trees.

Anonymous said...

I find shower sex absolutely terrifying and am glad my boyfriend has finally overcome that particular fetish. (It's really hard to get turned on when you're convinced you're about to slip and have the most awkward trip to the hospital ever.) I used to think that only wanting to do it on a bed/couch/plush carpet made me boring. No I fully elect for good sex over "interetsing" sex.

Stiletto Sports Jen said...

oh. my. god. That was hysterical! Although it did pop some of my favorite sexual fantasies.

One more point on kitchen counter sex. If the guy is under 6'0 tall (or maybe just has a really long upper torso) it really doesn't work so well because well, certain anatomically essential parts don't reach counter height.

And if you are like me and your sliding glass door is in your kitchen and overlooks the lake all your neighbors walk around....well... that just adds a whole new complication.

Stiletto Sports Jen said...

Oh! And what about sex in an elevator? 1. they are usually sooooo warm & stuffy. 2. full of people germs. 3. major claustophobia issues

Then again, i have an irrational fear of elevators so maybe I'm just biased. But if i'm going to die in one, I suppose I would like to be having sex while we plummet to our death.

Karen said...

Can the Mile High Club be included? Flourescent lighting, cramped space, turbulence, bathroom germs...

Philby said...

Yes I know this is a comment on a really old post, but I just found the blog a few days ago and I'm catching up.

Just wanted to say that my personal favorite "place" to have sex is in the rain. I've done it on the hood of my car on top of a parking garage in the rain and it was pretty amazing. I also did it on a picnic table in a park during a thunderstorm (same girl, she was adventurous, we also did it under a pedistrian bridge. I couldn't get her to go through with the mall dressing room tho, in hindsight she was pretty loud so that was maybe for the best...).

Middle of summer, you're even hotter than normal cause you're bumpin uglies, cool rain is the perfect remedy. Plus girls look smokin hot with wet hair.

Luckily I'm moving to Portland soon and so I will have plenty of opportunity to make it (in the) rain.

Love your blog and eventually I will get caught up and comment on current posts.

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