Talking on the phone is one of my least favorite activities. I blame whomever invented text messages, because I can get my thoughts out much more succinctly and with less small talk. (Although if you’re familiar with my work, you know what else happens with me and text messages.) Just call me Gwen Stefani because I screen my phone calls on the regular. Occasionally, this habit translates to my work, and I will let a call or two go to voicemail if I’m particularly swamped (or if I can’t get the answer to 42-down in my crossword).
This happened the other day at work. Instead of answering a call, I continued diligently working. The voicemail got bumped from my mind until the following day. Having listened to it, I’m pretty sure I’m going to be the next Joan of Arc.
I’m not a religious person at all. But you tell me that hearing the first 30 seconds of this song on your voicemail wouldn’t make you think God is trying to talk to you.
Because that’s exactly what this voicemail was. No talking. No laughing. No explanation. Just 30 seconds of church music. The only reason I know what song it was is because I used Shazam on my iPhone to figure it out (Thank you, Apple!). But prior to rationally thinking about this, I freaked out a little, assuming that I’m being targeted by some fundamentalist religious sect attempting to convert me or something and this voicemail is their version of a brick through my window.
I would have immediately guessed my friend Allison is behind this, but no one has my work number, and having one of the most popular names in the history of the world makes googling me pretty much impossible.
After thinking about it a bit more, I’m 97% convinced this is my calling from the Big Man himself. Don’t lots of priests claim to have received a sign calling them to the service? And everyone knows Joan of Arc supposedly heard a voice from God urging her to aid France. Mind you, this is all before the age of technology, so that’s why Joan heard a disembodied voice and not a phonecall from the Lord. And if they can, then why can’t I? It’s not that far-fetched, especially when compared to peope who see Jesus in burritos or sidewalk stains or what have you. If Jesus is going to appear to someone in an X-ray or a food product, why can’t he also just pick up the phone?
I’m glad this call went to voicemail though, because had I received a call from God, and he was asking me to join some sort of cause. How can you say “Ehh I’d rather play Sudoku” to God? Responding to a relevation is pretty taxing, I feel. I mean look how it turned out for Joan of Arc. Sure, she’s a saint, but she was also burnt to death. That seems like a lot to ask. I don't have the energy to rally people. Public speaking? Eh. Though maybe I would get to carry a sword, which is kind of bad ass. And I'd definitely get famous for this, for being batshit crazy, if nothing else. So that's a plus. But considering how long it took me to get out of bed this morning, I just don't think I'm suited to the task at hand. Sorry, God, but I'm going to be screening your phone calls from here on out.