7.30.2009

The Craigslist Coffee Challenge

I have a recurring problem at work: I want coffee but don't want to get up to get it. First of all, I hate the coffee we have in the office and refuse to drink it. Although I was unemployed for six months, I would say the worst part of the Recession is that my office is forced to cut corners and buy Staples brand coffee. It's disgusting. As Boss #1 infamously said, "it smells like pencil shavings and cooter." To which I say no thank you. Ergo, I'm forced to venture out into the world to get a drinkable cup of coffee.

My office is located equidistant between a Caribou Coffee and a Starbucks, both being about two blocks away. I realize that doesn't sound like that far, but when you're right in the middle of a crucial episode of Dynasty and you're kind of sleepy and it's anyone's guess who stole Crystal's baby, it might as well be a mile away. Normally when I get "coffee lazy," I just complain to a few people via gchat, feel sorry for myself for a little bit and then work up the adrenaline needed to get up and walk the two blocks to Starbucks. And then everything's fine. Yesterday, however, was a horse of a different color.


Not only did I have a vicious case of "coffee lazy," but I couldn't leave my office even if I wanted to. Boss #1 and our VP of sales were headed over to the office between the ambiguous hours of 12 and 4. Obviously, because I'm me, the second I ran out, Boss #1 and VP would inevitably come waltzing in and pee their pants that I left the studio unattended. So I decided not to risk it and stayed put.

As the hours went by, I fell deeper and deeper into caffeine withdrawal. I briefly considered making a pot of Cooter & Shavings coffee, but just couldn't do it. Knowing that Helena had the day off, I offered her $100,000 cash to bring me a latte. She respectfully declined as a.) it was her day off b.) she lives on Capitol Hill and I work in Metro Center and c.) she didn't want to put pants on. I understood completely. So, I did the next logical thing and called my mom to see if she would do it. And she hung up on me.

What was a girl to do? Then I got an idea...what if I posted an ad on Craigslist for someone to bring me coffee? Could I really rely on my fellow man to help me out in my hour of need? Are people really that selfless? I took to gchat to consult Helena:
me: helena, i'm honestly considering posting an ad on craigslist in random gigs for someone to deliver me a latte
Helena: do it
see if it works
what's the worst that can happen?
And that's about all the convincing I needed. Ten minutes later, I had posted this ad in "domestic gigs":
Photobucket
(For those of us without 20/20 vision, it reads "So, I'm at work and desperately need a cup of coffee but I can't leave my office. You can see the predicament I'm in. None of my co-workers are in, none of my friends can do it and my mom refuses to drive in from Maryland. I would really, really appreciate it if you could swing by and help me out. I'd prefer a quad venti skim latte from Starbucks, but I realize that beggars can't be choosers. I can pay you back upon delivery. As a bonus, I can offer you a bevy of free office supplies including, but not limited to, promotional packs of gum and extra-heavy card stock paper. Thanks!"

20 minutes later, I got my first response:

KEEP ON DREAMING HEHEHAHAHEHEhahahehehahahehe
Reading that burned like Chlamydia. Come on asshole! If you're not going to bring me coffee or at least give me advice on how to get coffee, why take the time to email me at all? This was essentially a digital version of pointing and laughing and I did not appreciate one bit.

Luckily a few minutes later, I got another response:

ad was funny.. why not get a coffee pot and lil fridge.. there are pots you can make by the cup when you want em lil coffee packs of diff flavors go in em.. go look in kohls or sears or such pricy but worth it..
'Eh. I guess this one is more constructive than the last, but didn't I explicitly state that I can't leave my office? How do you propose I get to Kohl's or Sears to get a "lil" coffee pot and "lil" mini fridge? Clone myself? And if so, does the clone have her own money to buy kitchen appliances? Because I sure as shit don't. I appreciated the sentiment though.

Then this response rolled in:
how about you suck my dick,,, and we call it even
Now, I like coffee. And I also happen to like dick. However, I'd prefer to keep my interactions with coffee and dick separate. And by the way, I don't really think exchanging a blow job for a cup of coffee really is "calling it even." How much does a cup of coffee cost? $5 max? I'd like to think a Meg McBlogger blow job could fetch more than that, thank you very much. I'd expect a biscotti too, at the very least.

Just when I was giving up hope, I got this:
hey do you still need coffee? - phillip
SCORE! An offer that didn't involve laughing at my misfortune or sucking dick! I jumped on it. But before officially accepting the offer, I quickly looked this Phillip character up on Facebook to make sure his picture wasn't him holding a giant butcher knife, wearing a t-shirt that says, "IMMA CUT YOU!" Luckily for me, not only was he not wielding a knife or menacing t-shirt, he used to work with Alex and is currently the assistant manager of American Apparel in Chinatown. How crazy is that? I briefly considered asking him to bring me a romper and leggings with my coffee, but decided not to press my luck.

10 minutes later, Phillip the delightful hipster delivered me my delicious quad venti skim latte. When Boss #1 and VP showed up a few minutes later, they were none the wiser.
Photobucket
Score:

Murphy's Law: 0
Craigslist: 1

158 comments:

Margo said...

My faith in humanity has been restored! Yay for Phil!

grantstomb said...

GENIUS. Sheer, bloody genius. I am going to make Craigslist ads for everything in my life from now on!

hiphophippie.com said...

A) I would do pretty much anything for free gum. B) This guy Phil...can we clone him? and C) I just made a craigslist ad for someone to rub my feet in exchange for half a day-old burrito.

Jon said...

I would try this in a second with Golden Boy Pizza here in San Francisco, but knowing my luck, it'd be delivered by a hobo.

Skippy said...

Wow...I wonder if Phil will come out to Bethesda?

And for the record, I am totally going to try this for something...just gotta think of what. I will report it out on the blog.

And why is it everytime someone posts something on craigslist, some idiot has to throw his dick into it? ugh...

liferehab said...

That is the best idea ever! Next time I'm craving pizza at work, I'm having someone bring it to me.

Talia said...

remember when you used to pay me extra money to go get u starbucks at the one in olney??

Anonymous said...

I would have been nervous he was a crazy and would pee into my coffee or put some sort of poison. I think I am too paranoid, but I am also lazy. What a conundrum.

Caitlin said...

Absolutely brilliant! We all need a Philip around to be our errand boys. I am constantly having the two coworkers I like fetch me drinks from the kitchen, while they're up, of course.

bSceneAtlanta said...

BRILLIANT! Congrtulations darling!

Mark said...

Thank you for the reassurance that even with the craziness of the high-tech world we've created, there are good people who put it to good use.

Christine said...

You are an incredible human being.

Janet said...

So freakin' awesome!

Katie said...

That is great! I'm going to try this sometime, but I'm sure it won't work out nearly as well for me :(

Meghan said...

I SAW THAT ON CRAIGSLIST AND SENT IT TO JULIA YESTERDAY. Totes knew it was you. KNEW IT.

Minda said...

Wow, o.O I didn't see that working out for you. But somehow superman knew you were in need and rushed to your assistance. Hope you got his number. HAHA!

LB said...

@Jon in San Francisco- I would bring you Golden Boy Pizza. I understand the need for that stuff. Sadly I don't live there. Can you mail some to Texas?

Sole Matters said...

what an excellet idea! also, i love when you refer the mean email that it "burned like Chlamydia"

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Re: Talia

BBBBAHAHA. I forgot I used to make you get my coffee because I was afraid of seeing someone from high school. Man you're a good friend.

Re: Meghan

GAH! HOW'D YOU KNOW IT WAS ME??? Does that just scream Meg Laziness? Am I getting that predictable?

Anonymous said...

PFC (pretty f-ing cool) next time my boss p*sses me off, i might post an ad on craigslist asking people to call your boss' direct # and ask him why he's such a douche.

Anonymous said...

This is truly a remarkable tale!!!
-Sarah from KC

jen toppe said...

a- i cant believe that worked!
b - how did you handle the awkwardness?? i feel like i'm way too awkward to let some random stranger into my office and make small talk with them for bringing me coffee
c- what office supplies did he end up taking as payment?
d -i don't make lists

sixwordstochangetheworld said...

Funny, because yesterday I tried to sell my mattress pad and feather bed from college on Craigslist. One was slightly discolored, and one appeared to have a chocolate ice cream stain on it, which I very kindly disclosed. But they were in good condition! And only $10! NOT A SINGLE RESPONSE. I can't imagine why...

Last night I discovered that both of those items were my roommate's.

Rachel said...

i once gave my roommate 5 bucks to get the remote

Special K said...

GENIUS. You are hilarious...oh and I voted for you - good luck!

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised it was roofie-free.

Little said...

Yet another reason why you're my favorite blogger :)

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Aw, thanks!

reinventingamy said...

that's amazing. I must try that! (well, even though it would be pretty easy for me to sneak out of my office)

Meghan said...

I knew b/c it's a part Jewish Meghan with an "h" and no extra "a"s with big boobs kind of thing to do. Last summer one of my friends and I sat at work one day when we were too lazy to hike to starbucks and pondered the idea of quitting our jobs and starting a business where we delivered coffee to lazy people all day. Until we realized we couldn't really do that and gchat at the same time, plus it involved investors which involved time, work, and effort, so we dropped that like it was hot. And that CL gig totally reminded me of that idea and there was only one other person other than myself in this city who would actually do something like that...

Julie said...

Meg-

You are my hero, and God among (wo)men.

caitlin said...

i always need coffee about halfway though the day but i am far to lazy to go get it. luckily i live in new york so i can get whatever i want brought to me whenever i want (today i went for a blended coffee and a canoli)

Kathy B! said...

You are brilliant (and your friend who spurred you on as well). I'm glad you got the coffee. Ingenuity (with a splash of lazy thrown in -- it's the American way!!) should be rewarded!

Carlene said...

OMG, too funny! I actually work at a Staples store part time, and yes, the coffee does taste like pencil shavings and cooter.

raeleighjo said...

meg, you are my damn hero. i can't believe this worked.

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