7.27.2009

I'm too sick to blog. But I puked this up just for you.

Ugh, I'm sick. But not with my normal explosive tonsillitis/Tiny Tim/Satine a la Moulin Rouge/my own fault for not getting my tonsils out sickness. Although this is still my fault. As per usual...

Saturday night I went out a-boozin', as the young kids do. I made the very conscious decision to get drunk. I had the time, I had the money and I couldn't remember the last time I was good and drunk. "Oh man, I'm going to get drunk tonight and I am excited!" I exclaimed to Alex as I stood in line at Subway, waiting to get a delicious sandwhich. "Ooo! Let's do that!" Alex replied. HURRAY! We had a plan.

So I went home, ate my meager six-inch tuna on wheat and thought, "Welp, that's all the food I'll need for the rest of the afternoon/evening/night/my entire life. Guess I'll go drink the equivalent of the Indian Ocean in beer now." And drink the Indian Ocean in beer I did.

As Alex and I were leaving the last bar on Andrew's Birthday Bar Crawl 2009, we stopped at Ben's Chili Bowl to get food. That's where things get a little hazy. I remember 1.) not wearing any shoes (which in retrospect makes me want to curl up and die); 2.) not much else. I faintly recall it being hard to get a cab and thinking "man, these chili cheese fries are going to be delicious, but they are hot." And that's all she wrote.

I woke up the next morning to the sound of my cell phone ringing. It was Co-Blogger Chris, who was in town for the weekend and had made plans to get brunch with me that morning. I let it go to voicemail as I clawed the walls in an effort to make them stop spinning. (When I get hungover, I get hung-the-fuck-over. I'm never like, "Ooo! I've got a bit of a headache! Tee-hee!" It's always slightly traumatic. I'm specifically thinking of a morning after 4th of July a few years ago spent lying on my parent's kitchen floor, rolling around on the cold tiles, crying my face off. My parents sat disinterested at the kitchen table reading the newspaper, kicking me gently every now and then to make sure I was still alive.)

After the room stopped spinning a little bit, I sat up and surveyed my situation:
1.) I was completely naked. This is bizarre because unlike Boss #1, I despise sleeping naked.
2.) My clothes from the night before were nowhere in sight.
3.) Curled up on the pillow next to me was two (count 'em, two) orders of half-eaten cheese fries.
4.) Being a tosser and turner, there was cheese virtually everywhere. All over my sheets, pillows face, chest, arms...dignity.
5.) I tossed back the covers and discovered a rogue pair of tweezers and a bottle of club soda in bed with me.

Given these clues, I've deduced that after leaving Ben's Chili Bowl, I came home, made violent yet passionate love to two orders of cheese fries, tweezed my eyebrows, sipped some club soda and passed out.

A few minutes later, Co-Blogger Chris was a-knockin' on my door. I answered looking like the hot-morning-after-cheese-show that I was. He seemed worried. I hopped back in bed, fully expecting him to follow. Instead he opted to sit in a chair. Three feet away from me. "...You're not getting into bed with me because of the cheese, aren't you?" [Chris looks around awkwardly,] "....Yeah..." Sigh. "And please go wash your face. I can't take you seriously with all that cheese everywhere." Double sigh.

So it's Monday now. I think I'm still full from my midnight cheese raping. I feel like I'm going to vom at any given second. Still. This is so painful.

I remember a time when I would wake up on Sunday mornings and be like, "OH MAN, who's this dude in my bed??" And now it's "OH MAN, who are these cheese fries in my bed."


Humbling 2.0

31 comments:

Rebecca said...

Ahhhhh you are simply amazing. Your life. Never ending fun. LOL

Meghan said...

Did you call the cheese fries yet? Or are you going to wait a few days to see if they call you first?

L said...

sadly a similar situation happened to me, but instead of cheese fries, it was a taco bell burrito. My dignity was lost somewhere in the dirty streets of Pittsburgh that night, I haven't seen it since.

Laura said...

Ah Meg, usually your posts are such a lovely distraction from work. Now I have another three hours of sitting here thinking "damn i want cheese fries."

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

HAH!

No I haven't called the cheese fries yet. I don't want to seem too desperate, you know? Ughh...I really shouldn't have put out on the first date...now the cheese fries are going to think I'm a slut.

Sole Matters said...

OMG i Freaking love you! You tweezed your eyebrows while drunk. Isnt that a big no no?

Natalie said...

Dude, I was devastated when there wasn't a blog post this morning. Glad you got your shit together!

Feel better!

Meghan said...

Hey, no worries slut. You said there were two orders of them, so at least they got a threesome out of it. Too bad you don't remember any of it.

jen toppe said...

"Given these clues, I've deduced that after leaving Ben's Chili Bowl, I came home, made violent yet passionate love to two orders of cheese fries, tweezed my eyebrows, sipped some club soda and passed out."

hahahahahahaha!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Oh my god you're right; I had a threesome with cheese fries. Welp. I'm going to go the gym and then kill myself. Because this is a level of pathetic that's even too low for me.

And surprisingly my eyebrows look fine. So at least I'll die with the perfect arch.

hiphophippie.com said...

Hilar. And I find that cheese-fries are often more satisfying than men.

Charity said...

LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!! many a mornings waking up like this. At least there was no vomit in the bed with you.

Stephanie said...

hahahahhaa I couldnt stop laughing at this. you are so funny. A few weekends ago i woke up with a giant mixing bowl of tortilla chips in my bed, but they were all crunched up and ground into my sheets and somehow in my hair. luckily the salsa jar was on my nightstand. Not nearly as messy as cheese fries but somewhat concerning that food has replaced boys as the suprise wake up companion...ugh

Christine said...

WOW. It sounds like somebody had a stellar saturday night...you're so lucky you didn't wind up with chola eyebrows and chili in your special places!

Also, if you replace cheese fries with two boxes o' chocolate and tweezers with a laptop, then that's how I spent the wee hours of Valentine's Day last year. Good times.

Tine said...

Drunk tweezing is never a good idea. You may have gotten lucky this time, but personal experience has taught me that this is not an everytime thing!

Skippy said...

Wow...I don't know if I should feel bad or feel jealous. I have been trying to bed a twosome of cheese fries for months now. What is your secret?

liferehab said...

I know what I'm doing this weekend now.

Anonymous said...

so you and boss #1 have a lot more in common (drunk tweezing) than you'd like huh?

Brittan said...

you win. i don't know what the contest is but you definitely win.

Anonymous said...

Cannot stop laughing!

Cannot stop!

People at work think I'm insane.

I love this blog. I joined that thing and voted for it and I never do stuff like that. I hope it wins. It definitely should.

Oh God, the part about lying on the kitchen floor while the parents barely notice--HAHAH!!!!! I love it.

Adorably Bitter said...

Hilarious!
You've made quite a first impression - this blog is so going on my google reader!

Loretta said...

Excellent. I want to go drinking with you!

LaraS said...

Damn...you need to get yourself in that condition more often! It's comedy gold.

debbie said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Kiki said...

HAHAHAH aaaah Meg. you are too too funny. i love it.

i often get 'sick' like this too.

a few weeks ago my mum found me at 9am passed out in the dog bed, fully clothed and clutching a bag of McDonald cheeseburgers.

i thought i got a taxi home. but apparently i kissed 2 boys and then GOT KICKED OUT OF THE BAR. and my friends bf had to drive me home, i demanded he take me to McDonalds and then i abused him for offering to help me get inside. like 'um im not a retard, i dont need help, fuck yooooou'.

as for waking up with stuff in your hair..i woke up in the back of a taxi once, about 15 mins west of my house...covered in chewing gum. the taxi driver told me i 'fell asleep', the gum fell out of my mouth and then i rolled around in it.

and he then ASKED ME ON A DATE.

moral of the story, imagine the ridiculousness we could come up with if we got drunk TOGETHER! :)

Anonymous said...

I wish I could find your writing funny - I gave it my best shot. womp woommmppp

Sean said...

I just started reading this, and I have to say, the awkward looks I'm getting from my coworkers because I keep busting out laughing are totally worth it.

sixwordstochangetheworld said...

I thought of this post as I reflected on my Saturday night, in which I left the bars early to go to Julia's Empanadas ALONE. Two empanadas, a rice pudding, and some random cookie dough later, I woke up on my couch with a bloody foot and a Law & Order marathon playing in the background. Who needs boys (or even friends, apparently) when you have empanadas?

Anonymous said...

congratulations meg. you have made me laugh so hard at work that i am now crying, and i work in an open office space. thank god everyone else near me reads your blog too, so they understand whats up when they see me in Silent Crying Face mode.

Anonymous said...

Спасибо понравилось !

Anonymous said...

Спасибо за материалы! :)
Respect www.2birds1blog.com

 
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