Ooo. That was a little Don Imus of me.

OH GOD. I accidentally said something racist yesterday to Boss #1. My bad.

I got my hair cut Monday night. It was much needed. My hair was getting a little too "Horse Lover" for my liking. It was long and scraggly and every time it brushed against my back I'd shutter and be like "oh god my name should be Misty."

So, after work Monday night, I jogged over to Bang and hacked it all off. Madeline Kahn a la Mrs. White in Clue was my inspiration:

Russell-the-Co-Worker was the first at work to see my new do. "You...cut your hair." Yep! "...Did you ask them to cut it like that?" Uh, yes. "Oh. Well. It looks...nice." Thanks. I think?

Boss #1 came in later that afternoon and was much more receptive to the change. But then this highly unfortunate conversation happened:
Boss #1: So has Russell seen your hair yet?
Me: Yeah, he was in earlier.
B1: Did he like it?
M: Honestly, I don't think so. I don't think he meant to hurt my feelings or anything but he was all, "did you ask them to cut your hair like that on purpose?" LOL! Ohhhh Russell!
B1: Pshh! Don't let that bother you.
M: Oh, I'm not.
B1: I just think that men don't like change. That and I think they like long hair. Like, my husband won't let me cut my hair shorter than my shoulders, you know? But he'll get used to it.
M: Yeah, well, I'm not really that stressed about it. Russell isn't exactly the demographic of man I'm going for, if you know what I mean.
*ZACK MORRIS STYLE TIME OUT!* Now of course, the demographic of man that I was referring to was older, married men. Why would I go for Russell? Look at him; he's happily married, has a giant flock of kids and is old as fuck. The fact that he's black has nothing to do with anything, I swear! *TIME IN!*
B1: [Nods understandably] Gotcha. Have you ever tried dating a black guy? Had a bad experience or something?
M: No, although I did have a big crush on my morning Caribou barista who's bla—wait a minute...Oh! Oh, god! You thought I meant Russell isn't my demographic because he's black! *ZACK MORRIS STYLE TIME OUT!* Oh Meg. Why couldn't you have just let Boss #1 just think you're a giant racist? She's kind of a hillbilly, you know it didn't bother her. Why did you have to start digging a giant hole for yourself and then awkwardly try to climb out of it? Bless your heart...*TIME IN!* Because that's not what I meant. When I said "demographic." I meant he's married. And old. Not that he's old, old. Because you're probably the same age. [Boss glares at me] I just meant older. Than me. And married. And Russell. So he's not who I'm going for. I don't care that he's black. Because I like black people. A lot, actually! Haha...hah...I think I'm black on the inside. What's that called? An inside-out-oreo? Inside-out-twinkie? Oh no, that's as Asian thing. NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH ASIANS. Although I've never dated an Asian either. Mostly I date white Jewish guys. But not on purpose! I don't like, profile or anything.
B1: Ok... [shifts eyes around and walks away]

BAHAHAHAHA! I out-overshared the Queen Oversharer! Yes, with accidental racism and then an embarrassing amount of effort spent trying to prove that I'm not racist, but still! I made her uncomfortable. Hats off to this girl.

Next step: talking about my snatch.


Andrea Bottorff said...

haha! I love it. You make me smile.

Ushma said...

Only you...I wish I had more words.

Unknown said...

I can not tell you how many times this has happened to me!

Sole Matters said...

hahhaha WTG!!!!

Rachel said...

thats ok, when I waited tables I waitedon an old man once with his family. I asked to take his drink order and he ignored me, so I figured he was hard of hearing, and was all, "SIR, CAN I GET YOU A DRINK? and his daughter goes, my mother will have an iced tea.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...


jen toppe said...

one time i was waiting on a group of four black people. they were really cool and we were joking around. it came time for them to order and one of the guys goes "ill have the crab cakes. ohh waait wait, no no, i'll have the chicken". and i go "whaat, how can you change from the crab cakes to the chicken? the crab cakes are the best thing we serve?" and he said "girl, im black!" and i said "yeah, but its not FRIED chicken!". insert COMPLETE SILENCE. no one laughed, no one smiled, everyones eyes shifted awkwardly around the table. i chuckled, turned 5 shades of red, and ran away as fast as i could.

in the end, he tipped me 40% and shook my hand. i think maybe after the initial shock sunk in, he realized i was cool for making a somewhat racist joke to a black guy. maybe? i didn't mean it! i just don't ever think before opening my mouth. accidental racism is the WORST, especially when you really aren't racist to begin with.

Margo said...

I love that one of the tags on this post is "tampon flinging." Any blog that has the tag "tampon flinging" is my kind of blog!

India said...

Haha oh man things can get so tricky. I find myself in a similar situation all too often.

Nate said...

BAAAHAHAHAHA. Meist, let's just getting married right now and move to Park Slope. I love this entry.

@Rachel - I'm a guy, and was recently mistaken for a girl... TWICE in the SAME DAY. WTF?!

And yes, Meist, a move to Milwaukee is happening in August. Not by choice, but because I was 4 weeks away from seriously being homeless and living under a bridge. So I needed to go SOMEWHERE and Milwaukee is cheaper than NYC. Which, right now, is a good thing. AND Milwaukee is actually a pretty cool city. I know, I know. It's in Wisconsin and my stereotype of Wisconsin is fat ugly people, shitty beer, and cheese, but Milwaukee thankfully defies that stereotype.

I think.


Christine said...

INCREDIBLE. I am so impressed with the awkwardness that is your life.

In high school, my bff was dating our black friend, Sean. During their courtship, we managed to convince her that black people were genetically predisposed to liking fried chicken and kool-aid, because that was all he ever ate.

This is the same friend who once turned to me and asked, "what's that language they speak in Africa? Kwanzaa??" Motherfucking phenomenal.

Maddie said...

HAHAHAHAH i really just laughed out loud, that was awesome! i always do things like that, although i'm the star of talking bad about people behind their backs, just to walk out of the room and see them right there, within earshot. yeah, i always do that. hehe!

Skippy said...

I tend to put my foot in my mouth all too often too. While it usually is not racist in anyway, I tend to say things that are inappropriate around children. Thank god I don't have any...i would have major shrink bills.

@jen toppe...i loved your term "accidental racism"...fits me to a wife beater, I meen to a tee.

Anonymous said...

worst kind of accidental racism.... when you get the wrong race. haning out at a bbq where I only knew a few people, but the people i knew,knew everyone. They all start giving each other a hard time. I, having a hard time remebering names, and being given a hard time for it, decide to call a guy kumar.

which would have been all fun and games had he been indian and not mexican.

Brady said...

um, get out of town. i always talk about how misty is the most typical horse name ever and no one ever really sees where i'm coming from. i'm glad we're on the same page!

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