Can someone do me a favor and call the police, because I'm currently being raped by my job. It's like I'm getting Eiffel Towered with work on a day to day basis, and I don't think I can take much more of this. My job goes through periods of complete inactivity and then utter insanity. So kind of like a meth addict. And right now, I'm fucked six ways to Sunday with paperwork and assorted random tasks. And frankly, I'm overwhelmed. Being 100% mature, when I get overwhelmed, I do what any young professional does in that situation, I close my eyes, put my fingers and my ears and sing "Kookaburra" out loud to myself, because if I can't see or hear the work, then it's not there.
Thank the good lord on high for the internet. I put the massive amounts of paperwork on the edges of my desk so it's out of my periph and I tool around online until my Irish guilt kicks in and I get back to work. Normally, I will watch the puppycam for about 10 minutes, or look up a couple videos on Youtube. Since my attention span rivals that of a goldfish, I'm back to work in under a half hour. But one thing that I can never get sick of, and only allow myself to do once I know I'm not planning on getting back to work, is Twitter.
Everyone who reads this and follows me on Twitter is probably confused because I've updated my Twitter maybe twice in the past two weeks [Editor's Note: @2birds1blog updates frequently! So you should follow us! It's written by this super smokin', sexy girl who's not awkward at all and never makes grammatical errors! And now you have a boner! AND YOU'RE WELCOME!] I could not be less interesting right now if I tried, and I don't want to bore you all with my thoughts on the rain or burnt toast. If I had been updating regularly, my Twitter feed would read like a bored Midwestern housewife's would. "Got groceries today. $2.99/lb of chicken! What a rip off!" "Oh shucks, I burnt the casserole." "Vacuuming." It's just sad how boring my life is right now.
No, I have recently become obsessed with Twitter Trending Topics. In the past, my experience with trending topics had been minimal at best. More often than not, they just confused me. Because sometimes I'm elderly when it comes to new technology. I mean, I only joined Twitter a couple months ago and it took me about 6 months to figure out what RT meant. But I digress. So yea, previously I'd click on a trending topic out of curiosity, like what people are saying about Google Wave. Not because I cared about Google Wave, but because I had no idea what it meant. But recently, I found that the best Trending Topics to follow are the random hashtag topics. Things like #3wordsyoucantsay or #randomthoughts or #thatswhatshesaid. A lot of the responses you'll find are not all that funny, mainly because people are trying too hard to be funny. There is only one reason why I keep coming back to Trending Topics and one reason only. And that reason is: ghetto people on Twitter.
Before you call the NAACP on me, I just want to say that these people are the majority of respondents to trending hashtags. So much so, that often the same person will have three or four different responses to the same topic. They are just full of ideas for #songsyouplayduringsex and #moviesthatshouldbemade. And I love it so much. Yesterday, I spent a full hour watching the ideas come through for #idothat2, which was things that you do that you know other people do also. Some of the responses scandalized little old me. But they were also hilarious. And I don't mean that in a minstrel show kind of way. I mean they are genuinely the funnier responses.
Currently, the best two examples of what I'm talking about, are the trending topic #thoughtsonthetoilet and #letsbehonest. I'm going to give you a couple of examples of both ghetto and non-ghetto responses, and you'll see what I mean. (I'm not going to tell you which ones are which, you'll have to guess on your own.)
1. "#thoughtsonthetoilet I should turn my company badge the other way so people in the next stall don't know my biz!"
2. "#thoughtsonthetoilet.... Damn water splash on my nutts....lmao"
3. "#thoughtsonthetoilet damn dat burned"
4. "#thoughtsonthetoilet glad my bf isn't here, cuz if he smelled this, I'd be single!"
5. "#thoughtsonthetoilet LAST MUTHAFUCKING TIME I'LL LET DAT NIGGA COOK!!!!"
1. "#letsbehonest April can't come soon enough! (Amen)"
2. "#letsbehonest just because u bag 100 ugly girls it still doesnt make u a G!"
3. "#letsbehonest u no dam well dat aint yo real hair dattz a lace front wig lol"
4. "#letbehonest 85% of my mind thinks that I should just sleep now and regret it tomorrow. So tired!? I just reached home. Just. JUST."
5. "letsbehonest" most of the subjects we learn at school -we don't need them when we become so-called adults"
6. "#letsbehonest the money in your profile pic is the money your mama bout to use to pay the mortgage"
Let the evidence speak for itself. Ghetto people on Twitter are just genuinely funnier when it comes to responding to hashtag topics. I rest my case.