So, 2010 is turning out to be a real titty twister of a year for old yours truly. Which, of course, is an upsetting statement as we're only 19 days in. Only 346 more days to go! Haha........hah.
It all started at the stroke of midnight on January first when my stomach packed up it's bags, turned off the lights, triple checked that the coffee maker was turned off and made it's painful exit through various awkward and embarrassing parts of my body. After that I fell into an oddly deep depression and now I might be getting fired. I know I worry about getting fired a lot, but I'm filing this time under the For Realz For Realz account. I've envisioned myself getting fired from this job literally hundreds of times and 99.9% of those times involve one of my bosses casually asking if I know what a "2birds1blog is," me grabbing a box, packing up my things and leaving quietly. Shockingly, the trouble I'm currently in has nothing to do with the blog. I'd give you the details but it's nothing I didn't manically vent to Becky about last night over five Stellas, and I think even she got bored. (Sidenote: did you know that Becky got custody of the fish from The Real World DC house? In addition to already having Lily Hearst's dog? Becky's like the TMZ of pets and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't impressed.) The moral of the story is that my bosses, as per usual, didn't communicate to me something that they wanted done, thus I didn't do it, and now they're in trouble with corporate and I'm afraid I might be on the chopping block. Ugh...and this really isn't helping the ulcer. Or the depression.
But! Instead of piling on the eyeliner, sharpening my razor and blasting Please, Please, Please Let Me Get Want I Want on repeat (all things sadly in character,) I'm going to share with you something that I find hee-larious. I think this might be one of those things that only me and Tulane Chris find funny due to our mutual inappropriate senses of humor, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume you'll appreciate it too.
So I was g-chatting with Tulane Chris the other day and not doing whatever it was Boss #1 never asked me to do when Chris started talking about an irritating friend he had in college. (No, not Terry Cooper.) Apparently one time this friend casually asked over cocktails, "So, who here has been sexually abused?" which Chris pointed out is the "WORST TEN FINGERS QUESTION EVER." This was, and still is, the funniest thing I have ever heard in my entire life. If you've never heard of The Ten Fingers Game before (clearly you didn't go to summer camp...) it's when you and a group of people get in a circle, hold out ten fingers and go around making "Never have I ever..." statements. If you've done something that someone else says they've never done, you put down a finger. First person to put down all ten fingers wins. Or loses. Or drinks. Or is a slut or something. Normally the statements are really asinine and light like, "Never have I ever broken a bone" or "Never have I ever been to Montreal," but if you're playing with close friends, it can be fun to purposely call someone out and say something like, "Never have I ever given a hand job in a public park" and look directly at the friend who has and giggle and LOLZ. However, it's a horse of an entirely different shade of hilarious if you're like, "Never have I ever...been sexually abused" and look directly at your friend who has been as she hangs her head in shame and slowly retracts a shaking finger. Chris and I then spent the rest of the afternoon imagining this game in increasingly innapropriate contexts until we created the following list. (Mine are in red and Chris' are in purple. Which has a very star-spangled effect that adds a nice little patriotic flair to the game.)
Meg & Tulane Chris' List of Grossly Inappropriate Never Have I Ever Statements:
- Never have I ever shown anyone on the doll...
- Never have I ever been a cutter in middle school because I had low self-esteem and no father figure to reinforce my value
- Never have I ever cared for you, Darla
- Never have I ever had to go to family counseling
- Never have I ever had to participate in my parents' Christian Marriage Therapy exercises
- Never have I ever been fingered at a Christian youth group overnight lock in
- Never have I ever given birth in the bathroom at prom, murdered the baby, and gone on with my evening
- Never have I ever gotten fisted and had to go onto a teen advice website to ask if I'm still technically a virgin
- Never have I ever done it "for him"
- Never had I ever had to call the cops when daddy "corrected" mommy one too many times
- Never have I ever not known I was pregnant
- Never have I ever been related to someone on Intervention
- Never have I ever been warned that this will be the last intervention
- Never have I ever uncovered buried memories
- Never have I ever slept with my therapist
- Never have I ever asked my mom if my boyfriend could move into our basement because things are getting kind of rough at home
- Never have I ever shaken a baby
- Never have I ever considered "clowning" an actual career
- Never have I ever had my tuition check for clown school bounce
- Never have I ever prayed on it
- Never have I ever attended a prayer service in which I held my hands palm-forward at chest level, closed my eyes, and swayed
- Never have I ever attended a state school
- Never have I ever really, really, really loved a woman
- Never have I ever avoided my Uncle for sexual reasons
- Never have I ever found time to be with my Uncle for sexual reasons
- Never have I ever bred dogs
- Never have I ever bred pygmy horses
- Never have I ever attended a cancer survivor support group
- Never have I ever had a job where I had to wear a pin with my name printed on it, made from a label maker
- Never have I ever had to show someone on a map where my native country is
- Never have I ever referred to camping in my trailer as "The Wilderness"
- ONCE have I ever interviewed for an office job and been hired as a dishwasher
- ONCE have I ever had sex with someone with a hearing aid, not known and then regretted it after finding out based solely on the fact that it's technically a disability
- ONCE have I ever had sex with a blood relative of Drew Barrymore
- Never have I ever had sex with a blood relative of Dr. Drew
...Yes? No? Just funny to me and Chris? Do not past go? Do not collect $100? Go directly to hell? K. Thought so. I'm gonna go get fired now.