1.19.2010

My new favorite game EVZ

So, 2010 is turning out to be a real titty twister of a year for old yours truly. Which, of course, is an upsetting statement as we're only 19 days in. Only 346 more days to go! Haha........hah.

It all started at the stroke of midnight on January first when my stomach packed up it's bags, turned off the lights, triple checked that the coffee maker was turned off and made it's painful exit through various awkward and embarrassing parts of my body. After that I fell into an oddly deep depression and now I might be getting fired. I know I worry about getting fired a lot, but I'm filing this time under the For Realz For Realz account. I've envisioned myself getting fired from this job literally hundreds of times and 99.9% of those times involve one of my bosses casually asking if I know what a "2birds1blog is," me grabbing a box, packing up my things and leaving quietly. Shockingly, the trouble I'm currently in has nothing to do with the blog. I'd give you the details but it's nothing I didn't manically vent to
Becky about last night over five Stellas, and I think even she got bored. (Sidenote: did you know that Becky got custody of the fish from The Real World DC house? In addition to already having Lily Hearst's dog? Becky's like the TMZ of pets and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't impressed.) The moral of the story is that my bosses, as per usual, didn't communicate to me something that they wanted done, thus I didn't do it, and now they're in trouble with corporate and I'm afraid I might be on the chopping block. Ugh...and this really isn't helping the ulcer. Or the depression.

But! Instead of piling on the eyeliner, sharpening my razor and blasting Please, Please, Please Let Me Get Want I Want on repeat (all things sadly in character,) I'm going to share with you something that I find hee-larious. I think this might be one of those things that only me and Tulane Chris find funny due to our mutual inappropriate senses of humor, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume you'll appreciate it too.

So I was g-chatting with Tulane Chris the other day and not doing whatever it was Boss #1 never asked me to do when Chris started talking about an irritating friend he had in college. (No, not Terry Cooper.) Apparently one time this friend casually asked over cocktails, "So, who here has been sexually abused?" which Chris pointed out is the "WORST TEN FINGERS QUESTION EVER." This was, and still is, the funniest thing I have ever heard in my entire life. If you've never heard of The Ten Fingers Game before (clearly you didn't go to summer camp...) it's when you and a group of people get in a circle, hold out ten fingers and go around making "Never have I ever..." statements. If you've done something that someone else says they've never done, you put down a finger. First person to put down all ten fingers wins. Or loses. Or drinks. Or is a slut or something. Normally the statements are really asinine and light like, "Never have I ever broken a bone" or "Never have I ever been to Montreal," but if you're playing with close friends, it can be fun to purposely call someone out and say something like, "Never have I ever given a hand job in a public park" and look directly at the friend who has and giggle and LOLZ. However, it's a horse of an entirely different shade of hilarious if you're like, "Never have I ever...been sexually abused" and look directly at your friend who has been as she hangs her head in shame and slowly retracts a shaking finger. Chris and I then spent the rest of the afternoon imagining this game in increasingly innapropriate contexts until we created the following list. (Mine are in red and Chris' are in purple. Which has a very star-spangled effect that adds a nice little patriotic flair to the game.)

Meg & Tulane Chris' List of Grossly Inappropriate Never Have I Ever Statements:

- Never have I ever shown anyone on the doll...

- Never have I ever been a cutter in middle school because I had low self-esteem and no father figure to reinforce my value

- Never have I ever cared for you, Darla

- Never have I ever had to go to family counseling

- Never have I ever had to participate in my parents' Christian Marriage Therapy exercises

- Never have I ever been fingered at a Christian youth group overnight lock in

- Never have I ever given birth in the bathroom at prom, murdered the baby, and gone on with my evening

- Never have I ever gotten fisted and had to go onto a teen advice website to ask if I'm still technically a virgin

- Never have I ever done it "for him"

- Never had I ever had to call the cops when daddy "corrected" mommy one too many times

- Never have I ever not known I was pregnant

- Never have I ever been related to someone on Intervention

-
Never have I ever been warned that this will be the last intervention

- Never have I ever uncovered buried memories

- Never have I ever slept with my therapist

- Never have I ever asked my mom if my boyfriend could move into our basement because things are getting kind of rough at home

- Never have I ever shaken a baby

- Never have I ever considered "clowning" an actual career

- Never have I ever had my tuition check for clown school bounce

- Never have I ever prayed on it

- Never have I ever attended a prayer service in which I held my hands palm-forward at chest level, closed my eyes, and swayed

- Never have I ever attended a state school

- Never have I ever really, really, really loved a woman

- Never have I ever avoided my Uncle for sexual reasons

- Never have I ever found time to be with my Uncle for sexual reasons

- Never have I ever bred dogs

- Never have I ever bred pygmy horses

- Never have I ever attended a cancer survivor support group

- Never have I ever had a job where I had to wear a pin with my name printed on it, made from a label maker

- Never have I ever had to show someone on a map where my native country is

- Never have I ever referred to camping in my trailer as "The Wilderness"

- ONCE have I ever interviewed for an office job and been hired as a dishwasher

- ONCE have I ever had sex with someone with a hearing aid, not known and then regretted it after finding out based solely on the fact that it's technically a disability

- ONCE have I ever had sex with a blood relative of Drew Barrymore

- Never have I ever had sex with a blood relative of Dr. Drew



...Yes? No? Just funny to me and Chris? Do not past go? Do not collect $100? Go directly to hell? K. Thought so. I'm gonna go get fired now.

48 comments:

Rachel said...

HILARIOUS. never have I ever said getting bangs was part of my 5 year plan

James said...

Never have I ever actually succeded at a game of "Just the Tip, Just to See How it Feels."

Anonymous said...

In college we played this game constantly and obviously always made it sexual and this one girl I knew was ALWAYS the slut and went out on the raunchiest things. Now she works for a firm that gives lunch and learns at my office and all I can ever think about is how she put a finger down for effiel tower long before I even knew what that was...awkward.

Sarah P said...

OK. I was going to comment about how funny this is, but then I saw James' comment - he wins.

J said...

hahahahha o m gee. now i know what an eiffel tower is.

Mallory said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
J said...

what is "never have i ever showed anyone on the doll"

Mallory said...

Wonderful. I LOL'd a little too much at this...and some pee came out. At work. Now tack a never have I ever on that and......ah, there you go.

Anonymous said...

i love this. cracking up. thanks for the "Never have I ever really, really, really loved a woman" reference.

the sir said...

J-

When psychologists do counseling with young victims of abuse, they ask the kid to show them where on a doll they were touched.

PS, I SWEAR this happened.

-Tulane Chris

Anonymous said...

Agreed - this game is great; especially for outing friends' embarassing secrets/as an icebreaker. However, my favorite game has to be: Making wildly innapropriate religious statements to people that don't know me very well. There's nothing more deliciously enjoyable than seeing the uncomfortable awkwardness on someone's face when you respond to their, "How are you?" with a "Great because I know that Jesus died for our sins."

Grant said...

Fantastic post.

Helen said...

Scary - I'd be four fingers down based on this game (and I'm not telling for which ones). I've played this many times, and always, ALWAYS try to set people up. I know, I'm mean. But I know you understand...

P.S. Sorry you're getting fired, but hey, with some corporate sponsorship and some viral marketing, 2birds1blog could turn into a fulltime career!

JaymeLee said...

Thank you a million times over. What a great post to an extremely boring day.

Emily said...

That was just... Amazing. How about this: Never have I ever actually taken Dr. Reuben's excellent advice.

That Kind of Girl said...

This seems pretty similar to my favorite tactic during Never Have I Ever: saying awkward, terrible things that have happened to me, then pretending to remember just in time.

"Never have I ever been sexually abused in Montreal---oh, you know what, guys? Let me come up with another one, actually."

It keeps the drinks flowing.

James said...

Even better: ONCE have I ever actually taken Dr. Reuben's excellent advice.

longredcape said...

Never have I ever been walked in on while singing ABBA at the top of my lungs and crying into a glass of White Zinfandel.

MsK said...

Such a great post, I was in AUS studying abroad and playing this game with some people when someone said "never have i ever killed a man" to which one guy said "if its self defense do i still put a finger down?" Best game EVER!

Anonymous said...

I had to show someone where my native country was on the map.

I was born in Ohio. I live in Italy, which I had hitherto thought had a decent educational system, but I guess I was wrong.

PS: Explaining to Italian people what a guido is = hilariously painful and/or painfully hilarious. The jury is still out.

sarah said...

never have i ever been asked what my nationality is based on anything besides the fact that i have an afro.

Kristin said...

We had an awkward never have I ever moment too. "Never have I ever had sex with someone in a Camaro with T-tops with your head sticking out of the roof..." *cricket... cricket*

Stef said...

- Never have I ever had a job where I had to wear a pin with my name printed on it, made from a label maker

Never have I ever had more than two jobs where this occurred. heh...

Honest to God one I've heard: Never have I ever dated someone for several months only to find out they were not the gender I thought. (followed by the look at someone in the circle)

Also, I pull that state school one on so many people I know. Thanks for these.

Anonymous said...

oh my gosh. this reminds me of playing Kings, where Aces are the "hot seat". That almost ALWAYS takes a turn to Serioustown and ends in tears.

Christine said...

True story? At first, I thought you two were trying to call one another out...and though I was confused as to why (and where) Chris would have been discreetly fingered at a Christian event, it wasn't until I read the one about giving birth during prom (and subsequently not knowing about being pregnant) that I realized my error. Bravo you two.

Christine said...

P.S. My favorite "Never Have I Ever" is from college and it goes, "Never have I ever had sex in the multi-cultural room at Colby College...ROB."

LW said...

Never have I ever been able to get my 2birds fix at work for MONTHS because my effing company blocked alllllll blogs....and twitter...and facebook...I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE!?! How exactly am I supposed to "work" when I can't get to anything on the internet. I'm going crazy staring holes in the wall.

2birds readers - please help! Is there some way around it?!?!

pattypunker said...

never have i ever played a dog as a submissive sexual favor. you are wickedly funny!

Anonymous said...

hope the job sitch is OK. I'm very tense for you.

James said...

My most uncomfortable real life experience was "Never have I ever used a household appliance for masturbation." Followed by the look. No it wasn't said or directed at me, thankyouverymuch.

Katie Quinnsky said...

In college we played this quite frequently under the simple name of "Never Have I Ever" and since the objective was to get drunk basically we played incorrectly and said things we HAD done, simply to drink. It was a fun little therapeutic game that saved us thousands in therapy bills until my roommate said "Never Have I Ever Schmeared my Underwear" After awkward silence... RECENTLY. I just. I can't even. 6 years later and we never let her forget it.

Anonymous said...

Never have I ever smelled like maple syrup!

TB

Hallie said...

On my first "big Wednesday" after my freshman year of college my group of high school friends (obnoxiously, about 20 girls) got in a circle to play "Never Ever." We make our way around the circle, having a grand 'ole time and notice our friend (we'll call Jessica)looking really shifty. It's up to her. She stands up, looks directly in the eyes of my friend (who we'll call Shmallie) and said "Never have I ever slept with your boyfriend while you were at school." Took a long chug of her beer and walked out. Ah...good times.

Daniel said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

HILARIOUS. never have I ever said getting bangs was part of my 5 year plan.
Rachel. I told you that story in confidence. We're not even for me outing your pregnancy.

I was confused as to why (and where) Chris would have been discreetly fingered at a Christian event
I mean, it's still a possibility.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

We're now* even.

Erika said...

So, the best part about this post for me was the part

ONCE have I ever had sex with someone with a hearing aid, not known and then regretted it after finding out based solely on the fact that it's technically a disability


and I was able to copy that to my friend Steph and be like, "2birds1blog shout out? Just a little bit?" HAHA. THANK YOU MEG!!!!

MadVet said...

Yeah it's even worse if you're playing it with your CO-WORKERS and husband says to wife "never have I enjoyed anal" followed by finger down and awkward silence...couldn't look her in the eye at work for a week...

Mallory said...

True story: we were once playing this game with a bunch of foreigners, and after a lot of the usuals had been exhausted, we were struggling. There was a long bout of silence, and then one of the foreigners leapt up and said "Never have I ever...DRANK HUMAN BLOOD!"

That's still funny three years later, as it turns out.

Alanda said...

Love this blog...but "Never have I ever attended a state school?" What's your problem?

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