Toeing the line between casually observant and out and out racist

Can someone do me a favor and call the police, because I'm currently being raped by my job. It's like I'm getting Eiffel Towered with work on a day to day basis, and I don't think I can take much more of this. My job goes through periods of complete inactivity and then utter insanity. So kind of like a meth addict. And right now, I'm fucked six ways to Sunday with paperwork and assorted random tasks. And frankly, I'm overwhelmed. Being 100% mature, when I get overwhelmed, I do what any young professional does in that situation, I close my eyes, put my fingers and my ears and sing "Kookaburra" out loud to myself, because if I can't see or hear the work, then it's not there.

Thank the good lord on high for the internet. I put the massive amounts of paperwork on the edges of my desk so it's out of my periph and I tool around online until my Irish guilt kicks in and I get back to work. Normally, I will watch the puppycam for about 10 minutes, or look up a couple videos on Youtube. Since my attention span rivals that of a goldfish, I'm back to work in under a half hour. But one thing that I can never get sick of, and only allow myself to do once I know I'm not planning on getting back to work, is Twitter.

Everyone who reads this and follows me on Twitter is probably confused because I've updated my Twitter maybe twice in the past two weeks [Editor's Note: @2birds1blog updates frequently! So you should follow us! It's written by this super smokin', sexy girl who's not awkward at all and never makes grammatical errors! And now you have a boner! AND YOU'RE WELCOME!] I could not be less interesting right now if I tried, and I don't want to bore you all with my thoughts on the rain or burnt toast. If I had been updating regularly, my Twitter feed would read like a bored Midwestern housewife's would. "Got groceries today. $2.99/lb of chicken! What a rip off!" "Oh shucks, I burnt the casserole." "Vacuuming." It's just sad how boring my life is right now.

No, I have recently become obsessed with Twitter Trending Topics. In the past, my experience with trending topics had been minimal at best. More often than not, they just confused me. Because sometimes I'm elderly when it comes to new technology. I mean, I only joined Twitter a couple months ago and it took me about 6 months to figure out what RT meant. But I digress. So yea, previously I'd click on a trending topic out of curiosity, like what people are saying about Google Wave. Not because I cared about Google Wave, but because I had no idea what it meant. But recently, I found that the best Trending Topics to follow are the random hashtag topics. Things like #3wordsyoucantsay or #randomthoughts or #thatswhatshesaid. A lot of the responses you'll find are not all that funny, mainly because people are trying too hard to be funny. There is only one reason why I keep coming back to Trending Topics and one reason only. And that reason is: ghetto people on Twitter.

Before you call the NAACP on me, I just want to say that these people are the majority of respondents to trending hashtags. So much so, that often the same person will have three or four different responses to the same topic. They are just full of ideas for #songsyouplayduringsex and #moviesthatshouldbemade. And I love it so much. Yesterday, I spent a full hour watching the ideas come through for #idothat2, which was things that you do that you know other people do also. Some of the responses scandalized little old me. But they were also hilarious. And I don't mean that in a minstrel show kind of way. I mean they are genuinely the funnier responses.

Currently, the best two examples of what I'm talking about, are the trending topic #thoughtsonthetoilet and #letsbehonest. I'm going to give you a couple of examples of both ghetto and non-ghetto responses, and you'll see what I mean. (I'm not going to tell you which ones are which, you'll have to guess on your own.)

1. "#thoughtsonthetoilet I should turn my company badge the other way so people in the next stall don't know my biz!"
2. "
#thoughtsonthetoilet.... Damn water splash on my nutts....lmao"
3. "#thoughtsonthetoilet
damn dat burned"

4. "#thoughtsonthetoilet glad my bf isn't here, cuz if he smelled this, I'd be single!"
5. "#thoughtsonthetoilet LAST MUTHAFUCKING TIME I'LL LET DAT NIGGA COOK!!!!"

1. "#letsbehonest
April can't come soon enough! (Amen)"
2. "#letsbehonest
just because u bag 100 ugly girls it still doesnt make u a G!"
3. "#letsbehonest
u no dam well dat aint yo real hair dattz a lace front wig lol"
4. "#letbehonest
85% of my mind thinks that I should just sleep now and regret it tomorrow. So tired!? I just reached home. Just. JUST."
5. "letsbehonest"
most of the subjects we learn at school -we don't need them when we become so-called adults"
6. "#letsbehonest
the money in your profile pic is the money your mama bout to use to pay the mortgage"

Let the evidence speak for itself. Ghetto people on Twitter are just genuinely funnier when it comes to responding to hashtag topics. I rest my case.


Mandi said...

My favorite is when Twitter explains the Trending Topics to those who are too dumb to figure it out on their own:

"A hashtag for tweeting things that might come to mind in the bathroom"

"People are finding a way to tweet what they really mean".

James Conneely said...

Wow, you just became my favorite. You were teetering that line already but now it's official.

I went on a twitter rant recently (about three or four tweets) if memory serves about how although funny, ebonic shorthard on twitter takes more time to write. Which defeats the whole fucking purpose!

These folks have to stop and think okay how can I say I'm going to the grocery store...? Ima go 2 da sto.

The time it takes to figure that out probably adds up to longer than the proper spelling, no?


Jus 1 pmp jivin (Just one mans opinion on the subject)

sarah said...

i could not agree more! hence, why i peruse the hashtags without posting anything. cause i don't want to be mistaken for dat grrrl.

Anonymous said...

Yes!! My favorite trending topic is #youknowshesahoe.

Anonymous said...

#thoughtsonthetoilet why my boss lady flushin every 10 sec. still smell like bad meat in da can.

Sarah said...

My fave was #youknowyourblack. People were up in arms over the use of "your" instead of "you're."
I wanted to use it just to say "Enough already. Everyone knows 'your' is a mistake. STFU."

Unknown said...

My absolute favorites were #whitethoughts and #blackthoughts. My favorite corresponding two: "Can't wait to beat that pussy up" and "Can't wait to eat that pussy up." You can guess which was which.

poelondon said...

OMG, I just noticed this same exact thing the other day! I cannot believe I don't have my own f-ing blog so I can post my own brilliant observations on it before somebody else does!

Hand to the higher power I don't believe in, I just said outloud the other day, "Damn, there are a lot of trashy black people on twitter. That's surprising." And yes, I did just stereotype all over the place right then, but the only ones who heard me were my boyfriend and my cat and both were watching the football game, not listening to me.

poelondon said...

I have also signed up to follow a few of said hilarious trenders. Funny, funny stuff.

Megan said...

I get confused about Twitter in general and those trending topics specifically, but I started reading them recently and also was struck/super amused by the extreme ghetto tendencies. I kind of didnt know who/how to share it with, so I'm glad you did it for me.

Hazel said...

I've been reading this blog for months now and after being endlessly tempted to comment, I finally couldn't hold back.
I LOVE GHETTO TWITTER TRENDS. thanks to you reminding me to check it today, I found this gem:

UPTOWNSTUNTDAWG RT @Tiny212 when your dude doesn't pressure you to take it up the rear #whatislove LMBAO!

Needless to say, LMBAO is now part of my daily white-ass vernacular.

Chris said...

My favorite is when Twitter explains the Trending Topics to those who are too dumb to figure it out on their own
Maybe I've needed to avail myself of that at times...don't hate. Appreciate.

Wow, you just became my favorite.
Aw, shucks. Thanks. Now ima go 2 da sto.

Sarah, for real, I would never answer a hashtag.

SarahP. I saw that! Everyone was like "Geez, get a brain! It's you're not your! Ids!" Are we really up in arms about grammar in 140 characters?

Poelondon, tell me you followed "twittuhmyclitta" because you KNOW i ran across that username in my hashtag searching.

Hazel, OMG that is a gem! 100% hilarious. I am LMEWAO right now. But Tiny212 has a point, I think that might be what love really is.

Anonymous said...

the first #5... omg

Hails said...

ok I am officially a moron. I knew what hashtags were for but I thought they were pointless but I didn't know you could click on them and see a list of them all.

I have posted over 2,000 tweets too.

I am an IDIOT.

poelondon said...

"Poelondon, tell me you followed "twittuhmyclitta" because you KNOW i ran across that username in my hashtag searching."

Noooo, but I will get right on dat!

poelondon said...

My favorites from yesterday? #boyslovegirls and #girlsloveboys.

One exemplary gem....#girlsloveboys who smell good ; aint nun like smellin his cologne on u after he leaves mhmmm

And I say, mhmmm.

poelondon said...

OK, I've really got to get back to work, but there is a hashtag ESPECIALLY for Meg on Twitter today....#thoughtsonthetoilet!

What? Too soon to joke about that?

Snarky Bologns said...


I've been learning all about the ghetto/douche/RAHtard supplements to the English language from The Situation and his followers on Twitter.


2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Poelondon, tell me you followed "twittuhmyclitta" because you KNOW i ran across that username in my hashtag searching.
No but really, Chris has been quoting "twittuhmyclitta" for like 6 hours to me on gchat. I think I smell love connection...

Anonymous said...

Prime Example: #letsbehonest dnt try 2 take pics of me n the club and u noe it aint good... bitch U LUCKY I didnt take that muthafucka. STRAIGHT UP.

Ummm what?

Hallie said...

The trending topics scare me. REALLY scare me. Like these are actual real people? Who are actual members of our society?
We are SO fucked.

Serena Van der Woodsen said...

Chris you are so dead spot on right. I've noticed this for awhile but I've been way to much of a people pleaser to say anything for fear of being called a racist. I'm so glad you put it in writing.

Ashleigh said...

It's been awhile since you mentioned them, but number #19 made me think of you Meg!


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