12.09.2009

WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK FUCK?!?!?!?!

I would like to preface this post by stating that I, for all intents and purposes, am an intelligent young woman. I spent 12 years in one of the country's best public school systems. I went to a great college. I graduated with honors. I watch Jeopardy at the gym with the captions on. I'm in a book club. Clearly, I'm a highly enlightened individual.

That being said, I learned something yesterday that blew my fucking mind.

Narwhals. Really. Exist.


WHAT THE FUCK?!!?!??!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I can't even put into words how completely disturbed and shaken up I am by this revelation. Do you understand that I've spent my entire adult life thinking that narwhals are mythical creatures on par with unicorns, fairies, centaurs and cherubs? My entire fucking life. But guess what? They're as real as you and me! They are real creatures of the sea. They're fucking mammals for Christ's sake! They've been classified
that is how real they are! Do you know what blows my mind? I could be swimming in the Arctic Ocean and feasibly, out of nowhere, I could get impaled by the horn of a narwhal. And when news of my death reaches home, the baffling part won't be that a narwhal killed me, it will be why was I in the Arctic Ocean in the first place?" That's the troubling part. WHAT THE FUCK?! You know that scene in A Beautiful Mind when Russell Crow is standing before his intricate wall of magazine clippings and it suddenly dawns on him that there's no connection between the articles because he made the entire thing up and he's totally Schizophrenic? That is what I feel like right now. I've been google image searching narwhals for the past three hours now and the only thing standing between me and a panic attack is this comical illustration of Barack Obama riding one:


Allow me put you in my shoes for a moment. Let's talk about Dragons. Dragons are not real. Furthermore, it is widely accepted among all of Planet Earth that they're not real. Correct? Correct. Now, imagine that one day a friend casually drops into conversation that Dragons are real! But not only are they real, their population is thriving by the thousands in the Arctic and everybody knows this but you. It's common knowledge. You're the dumb-fuck for thinking they're mythological creatures. You're the weirdo. You're the one people look at with a concerned look in their eyes. You call your parents in shock and they just sigh heavily because this is one more thing that you've managed to let escape you. THAT'S ME! I'M THE DRAGON DUMB-FUCK!

This all started last Saturday night when it somehow came up in pre-Jäger Ball conversation with the Tulane Chris and Co-Blogger Chris that Narwhals "exist." Frankly, I 100% didn't believe them. My friends, bless their hearts, are assholes who think it's hilarious to misinform me about things so I look like an idiot when I repeat it later. Kind of like the time at the Cheesecake Factory when Helena—fully knowing I was on the Atkins Diet—told me that everybody knows whipped cream doesn't have carbs! so I face-raped like three plates full while she watched and silently laughed. Or the time Helena told me a "pundit" was a medieval council of elders who decide the fate of heretics and those who speak ill of the King. Or the time Helena told me it was a totally awesome idea to buy and wear a John Deere baby-tee. In retrospect, Helena is an asshole, but either way I totally thought the Chris's were fucking with me. I was randomly musing about this yesterday, giving myself a pat on the back for being so clever and out-smarting the Chris's when I made the horrible decision to google "Narwhal" for funsies. (And let's not lie, because management is here all week and I'm desperate to look like I'm actually doing something.) I clicked on Images. And there they were: NARWHALS. HONEST-TO-GOD NARWHALS. And thousands of educational websites about narwhals! And videos! And books! And a Twitter account! (@common_narwhal!)

Facts I learned about narwhals that blow my mind:
- They are real
- They can not talk
- Their horn is actually an incisor tooth
- They are predators
- SOME MALES HAVE DUAL TUSKS:
http://static.howstuffworks.com/gif/narwhal-hunt.jpg
- There is only a single recorded case of a female narwhal with dual tusks
- They eat shrimp
- They can dive 4,500 feet under the sea and stay there for 25 minutes!
- Male narwhals rub one another's tusks together in an activity called "tusking," which makes me want to vomit
- Their tusks were sold in medieval times as unicorn horns and were worth up to twice their weight in gold
- Nobody knows the function of their tusks; they serve no evolutionary purpose!

BAHHHH WTF?!?!?! But you know what concerns me most? That I managed to get through 16 years of school without learning that narwhals are real animals. That in and of itself is baffling. I mean, I took college level biology and evolution. (Although the lowest grade I got in my entire college career was in evolution. In my defense, I took it with Alex and Helena and we spent the entire class making up comical mini-quizzes for each other about the random personal facts our professor would inject into his lectures and instead of studying, got drunk and free-styled about trilobites...so I guess that didn't help.) And! Apparently there's an entire chapter in Moby Dick on narwhals! I read that in AP Lit! And by I read that, I mean I read selected portions of the Cliffs Notes before giving up and asking my dad to write my paper for me because he loves that book and I'm a stupid, spoiled sack of shit. God damnit! I'm always looking for the easy way out.

I also feel a certain sense of betrayal that nobody bothered to tell me the truth about narwhals. I seriously sat at my computer yesterday slowly scrolling through my gchat contacts thinking, "All of you know that narwhals are real animals and not a single one of you told me...you are all TRAITORS!!!!1" Then I sent an email to my dad about my revelation and asked him why he never bothered to tell me. All I got in return was this incredibly snarky and condescending and email:

We were just talking about Narwhals at dinner last night (again!!!). We were going to get you one for Christmas but we were worried about the horn (in reality a big tooth - paging Dr. Aroyo) getting caught in your clothes when you hugged it. Which you would do all the time because they are soooo huggable. We'll get you a My-Little Narwhal instead.

You never see anything about Narwhals on TV so you just don’t think about them. What a shame.


Next we’ll have to talk about the Jackalope, the mystical half Jack Rabbit and half antelope that roams free around the great American Southwest. Or Vampire Squid! Or flying snakes! Or Voles and Lemmings! Or Tasmanian Devils! And don’t get me started about the Amazonian insects the enter your skin through cuts and lay eggs there and then the larvae starts moving around so you can see your skin ripple. Or an Amazonian fish that swims up your “you know what.” So many great but little known animals that we just don’t talk about over dinner and a drink. Remember when you once thought of badgers like that?


Love,

DAD
God damnit. I did used to think of badgers like that. I also thought that wolverines were just lady wolves for an embarrassing amount of time. But none of my animal enlightenments have disturbed me quite as much as this whole narwhal brouhaha. Why am I so clueless about animals? I've been to the zoo like 900 times. And the Natural History museum. And, you know, 16 years of fucking school. This is just so incredibly unsettling. I called my mom yesterday and told her I felt like I was going to have a panic attack and she barked at me to "get over it." "Why are you being so mean?!" I asked her. "[sigh] Meghan, there are plenty of things in life to get anxious about," she explained, "NARWHALS are not one of them."

I, madam, beg to differ. I leave you now with this education NatGeo video on narwhals that in my mind is just as disturbing as watching a snuff film. Enjoy:

111 comments:

Brittany said...

Meggles,

I had not a single idea that Narwhales existed. The closest thing that I believed was real in relation to Narwhales is Beluga whales, because I secretly believe they sing emo songs to me. Thank you for enlightening me.

James said...

Dude. They HAVE narwhals at the zoo. Or at least the aquarium. I don't think you're a dumb fuck, my mind is just as boggled that you didn't know narwhals existed as your probably was to discover they did.

Did you know that your dad was only fucking with you about the jackalope, and every other animal he mentioned was real? Just checking.

I will say though, that I'm a little hurt/find it hilarious to learn that the day after you told me you "Go invisible when you're super super busy," you spend the day on gchat invisible learning and freaking out about narwhals. Question: maybe does your mom think its okay to call you at work because you call her from work about Arctic marine mammals?

Katie said...

Two comments on the video:

1) and I quote "Free to do, well, whatever it is they do with that mysterious tusk." Heh heh. THATS WHAT SHE SAID.

ALSO.

2) I was scared for them to run out of oxygen and die. Nat Geo, don't toy with my feelings like that.

Daniel said...

Are you not more concerned about how the Narwals get trapped in the bay?

Anonymous said...

"- Nobody knows the function of their tusks; they serve no evolutionary purpose!"

Yes, they doooo

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2005/12/051214081832.htm

Narwhales are so much better than unicorns.

Harriet Olivia said...

Meg, I think I love your dad. That is brilliant.

If it makes you feel better, until an embarrassingly late age, I thought that rhinos and hippos were the same species: rhinos were the boys, hippos were the girls. Sigh.

There's an animated narwhal at the north pole in Elf. I think that hints at their mythical status.

Rachel said...

My bf and I got into a seriously heated argument over the existence of narwhals and I am only slightly embarrassed to say that I was on the "non-existent" side. I had serious doubts about whether unicorns and dragons might be real too after this unsettling discovery so I totally get where you're coming from.

Grant said...

As I told my roommate just now, I was pretty into whales as a child. So narwhals have pretty much always been a part of my life.

Erin said...

I don't know what is worse, you thinking they were fake, or me never hearing of them until I played Go Fish with my nieces' and narwhales were one of the pairs. I was like WTF IS THIS!??! And they (4 and 7 yrs old) were like, omg, eye roll, sigh, you are so stupid.

Kelly said...

I may have known all about narwhals, but let this make you feel better - I... (also an educated college graduate. with a fucking bio degree)....just found out this year that reindeer actually exist. I had the same reaction. Except I found out bc i was watching the santa clause with tim allen and i said to my boyfriend ''heh heh. d'you think they just used regular deer and then digitally animated them? heh heh heh'' to which he gave me his best ''ohmygawd why are we dating'' look and said ''ummm. no. they just used real reindeer, kel.''

dont feel bad. at least narwhals don't exist in the states. apparently every fuckin' zoo i've ever been to has reindeer....wtf.

Celina said...

Meg,

As someone who is also fully educated and currently in school for two masters degrees, I also did not know that narwhales were real. The extent of my knowledge of them was that one that pops up in Elf and is all "Byyyeee Buddyy hope you find your daddd".

Also, I love to read and my favorite book is a 1300 pages which I have read so many times the pages are coming loose (The Count of Monte Cristo). BUT my sophomore year of college we had to read Moby Dick and I just COULD NOT get through it. This may be the way we were supposed to find out about narwhales and have let our intellectual selves down by giving up.

Elliot said...

I actually had long assumed narwhals were mythical too. 16 years of school, etc. The way I found out was watching the Futurama movie late at night a few months ago, where Frye becomes friends with a narwhal and then a bunch of other stuff happens and I definitely don't cry at the end. It made me Google narwhals because I wanted to read more about the mythology of the creature. I felt very retarded upon reaching the Wikipedia page.

Mike said...

All I gots to say is this:

http://www.amazon.com/Wild-Life-Artist-Plush-Narwhal/dp/B0011DI124

Angelle said...

My favorite animal IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!

Erin May said...

I've had a recurring situation similar to this in which I've told people that no, ponies are not in fact baby horses. They are midget horses.Which has always been hilarious to me because all little girls at some point in their lives ask their daddy for this wierd MIDGET HORSE. The first person I told was all freaked out, and I thought it was comical because OBVIOUSLY everyone knows the truth. But then when I tried to make fun of him by sharing the story with all our friends, they too were shocked.

It kind of felt like I had told them there was no santa.

Also, my friends and I in Oregon love your blog and wish that we weren't some 3,000 odd miles from the Jaegerball last weekend.

Bren said...

haha im not sure i really ever thought about narwhales so hey don't feel bad...i found out a few years ago (im 25) that the neighbors who lived next to me my whole life are not married they are SIBLINGS...talk about a mind fuck. my mom casually mentioned it one day...me and my brother were a bit shocked. i mean these people live in the same house, go on vacation together, you would think it would be normal to assume they are married...nope.

Mingosthename said...

Meg, How could you not know this? It's a well documented fact. Haven't you ever seen Futurama, specifically the movie where Fry befriends a Narwhal named leeloo. I suggest you watch it for you edification on this subject. It is believed in the scientific community that many sailors, deranged by scurvy and syphilis, mistook narwhals for mermaids.

Margo said...

OMG I once heard this story on NPR (I too, am kind of a nerd) about this woman who studies Narwhals and has been trying to catch one for 8 YEARS, but hasn't because they are super smart and elusive.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=111865328

8 YEARS of her life are gone. Because of Narwhals.

Brittan said...

I swear to all that is holy I just found out that Narwals are real THIS YEAR! I am a 24-year-old woman with a B.A., who is currently in graduate school and can hold an intelligent conversation about pretty much anything... EXCEPT NARWALS! Worse, I have a child! Who brings a child into this world and doesn't know about Narwals?! When I found out I too spent a day Googling and then ran around telling EVERYONE I knew about this incredible fact that I had just uncovered. This was a good nine months ago and I am still telling people. Do you know what response I get every time? "Wow, Brittan..." You know why? BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS!!!!111 I have never been more mad at my parents-slash-education providers. On the bright side, now I love Narwals.

I feel your pain, sister. I really do.

Nate said...

Meist,

If it makes you feel any better, I'd never ever heard of narwhals before this post.

Also, your dad is hilarious.

♥Bri said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
♥Bri said...

I used to go back and forth with my belief in Narwhals, until I just googled them. That, and there was one on the movi Elf, "Bye Buddy, hope you find your dad!" Me and my boyfried were playing 20 questions and I chose a narwhal. He got so mad when he couldn't figure it out, and was convinced that narwhals didn't exist...now he hates them haha

Shelley Greenberg said...

Meg, if you would have asked me five minutes before I read this post, "Narwhals: real or mythical?" I would have been a solid "Maybe."

Seriously, I just wasn't sure until I read this post. Not that I've given them much thought, but I probably would have said they're prehistoric, like woolly mammoths or something.

So for all your freak out disbelief that you didn't know narwhals are real, take comfort in the fact that you are enlightening me and countless others.

Carla said...

Narwhales are by far my favorite silly animal on Earth but I can understand thinking that they're mythical. Especially since anytime someone mentions them, I (along with most of my friends) respond "You mean the unicorn whale?"

Anonymous said...

Dearest Meg..I am sorry your mythical creatures file was so violently ripped open and left askew. Lets be honest, narwhales look fake and will remain as such in my mind. Sidenote I am very glad you did not lose your job due to jagerball since you were googeling these factoids there. Also, Jager ball left me with a negative bank account and a sloppy hookup with a grown man with braces...so thank you.

Bethie said...

I had no idea that either Narwhals or Wolverines were real until I read this today. I guess I thought the U of Michigan's mascot was based on a comic book character.

Bonnie said...

Um, hi. Thanks for enlightening me because I also thought they were mythical based on the narwhal in Elf and the mention in the B52's song Rock Lobster. Does this mean that there are totally bitchin' lobsters around too???

Anonymous said...

I guessed you must not have been watching Jeopardy at the gym last week because there was a picture clue where contestants had to correctly identify the polar animal in the image. The image was of Narwhals. The contestants got it wrong, so you aren't alone.

I totally feel like the Chris's though because no one believed me a few weeks ago when I tried to tell my friends that Wolverines were dangerous. They replied "yeah right, like Hugh Jackman is dangerous!" and I proceeded to argue with them for 30 minutes about the existence of real life Wolverines.

Elizabeth said...

First time commenter, long time lurker... I had to say something because my brain just exploded. WOLVERINES ARE FUCKING REAL??? I will graduate with a doctorate level degree in May, and I'm pretty sure my entire academic career up to this point has been built on a throne of lies.

I also really enjoy the fact that everyone's frame of reference for narwhals is the movie Elf... You know, instead of a freaking biology class. Evidently school taught us nothing.

Sarah P said...

And this post sums up exactly how I felt last year when I found out Narwhals exist.

I swore my husband was just screwing with me when he was laughing at me for thinking they were mythical creatures.

la fille danse said...

Educational day. I also had no idea narwhales were real, though my discovery is a bit less traumatic than yours. However I am sufficiently humbled in learning wolverines are real as well. And it's also possible I thought that "wolverine" was simply a synonym for "wolf."

Anonymous said...

Check out this site. You can get a wide variety of Narwhal related apparel.

http://www.zazzle.co.uk/narwhals+gifts

Meli said...

I saw a movie trailer recently that had a narwhal and so I automatically thought it was a sci-fi movie and changed the channel. My mind is officially blown with the revelation that these unicorns of the sea are in fact real.

Christine said...

I refuse to believe that they are real and that their majestic unicorn horns are actually crooked teeth jutting out of a liphole. Narwhals simply cannot be the white trash of the undersea animal world; they just can't be!

I would much prefer to think of them like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQ1a9LhkIoQ all adorable and talking and clay and shit.

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBSlev7NMgU

I knew I had seen a narwhal somewhere before...

SLynnRo said...

Um. If it makes you feel any better, I had no idea that Narwhals even existed until I read this post.

TJ said...

Dear Meg,

I used to think that you were the best. Then I read what your dad's email. Sorry.

Margo said...

P.S. Mind BLOWN that wolverines are real, and look nothing like they should.

Kerri said...

My friend showed me this youtube video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ykwqXuMPsoc

when we were home from school for Thanksgiving break. It was a huge wtf moment and i totally didn't think they were real. Then last week I was watching jeopardy and narwhals was a clue! It seems as if the world has caught narwhal fever....

Anonymous said...

I've never even heard of a narwhal. I will now spend the rest of my day on google learning as much as I can.

Anonymous said...

i'm more confused that wolverines are real???

Veronica said...

I always thought that tusk was a horn! No lie! I thought a Narwal was a unicorn of the sea. So now my beliefs are shatterd because I just found out that Narwals are basically a bunch whales with a bad case of snaggletooth. Thanks Meg! Like my week wasn't shitty enough.

And what's up with Natgeo just sitting there watching the Narwals fight for air! Bunch of sick bastards!

Finally, your dad is hilarious! I almost peed myself laughing.

Laurie said...

I've never even heard of Narwals either. Until I saw the picture I seriously thought you were talking about Nargles, like from Harry Potter... that's what a big dork I am. Oh well... learn something new every day....

n8rlvr said...

I LOVE your dad. What a funny dude!

Lisa said...

Meg,

After reading your first post on "Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex" I immediately added it to my Netflix Queue. Now, there's a virtual line around the block to get it (I attribute it's burst in popularity to you)... and now all the Narwhals are sold out on Amazon! Jager execs would be foolish not to take you up on your offer to let them sponsor you since you seem to have this Midas effect.

andrea said...

I had this exact same experience about two years ago. Exact. Same. I was in the natural history museum at harvard, and saw a narwhal skeleton on the wall, which I thought was weird... Which was how I got it explained to me by a bunch of nine year olds that narwhals exist. Rugged.

Megan said...

Although Narwhals are undoubtedly real, that NatGeo video seems like it could just as easily be a total fake created to trick the gullible. Something to do with the narrator's voice and the faux drama created by the ice that was easily resolved two seconds later.

If it ain't Attenborough, it ain't a wildlife documentary.

Big Janer said...

"I also thought that wolverines were just lady wolves for an embarrassing amount of time."

Yes.

Thank god James's comment was comment #2 because I almost spent 30min at work Googling and Snopes-ing every animal your Dad listed to make sure I was right about its potential existence or non-existence...instead I just spent *25min* and got to skip the last one.

Anonymous said...

I've never even heard of narwhals but I do have 2 similar I-don't-know-simple-facts-about-the-world stories. Both involve lying to children.

1) I work at a summer camp and there's sort of an ongoing joke that we tell kids if they piss in the lake they'll be eaten by lake sharks. Hahahaha cause sharks live in salt water. Get it? Yeah, well apparently not. Apparently freshwater sharks exist. (I'm still mad about this).

2) One summer I worked at a different camp in California, a place who's geography I was not at the time intimately familiar with cause I'm a lake-loving Canadian kid. Everybody was always going on about Mountain Lions which I just thought was some made up mythical creature like the aforementioned lake sharks used to scare kids into not going wandering off into the woods by themselves. Um, yeah, no, mountain lions exist, they're cougars. I'm a moron.

telisa said...

I had not heard of them until this post so now I feel enlightened -and lame-thank you Meg McBlogger.

However, I do remember having a very WTF-is-that moment at the Natural History Museum in DC a couple weeks ago when I saw what I now believe (after wikipedia-ing Narwhals) is a Narwhal skull (2 giant incisor teeth included!) in the new-ish Ocean section. Go look at it!

Laylapalooza said...

I knew about narwhals, but here are two things I discovered were FALSE in the recent past (embarrassingly recent past):

(1) my belief that there had been a mars landing. (shame. it's obvious that i never listen to NPR and perhaps reside in a cave somewhere outside durham, nc).

(2) i also believed that cucumbers (and by extension, pickles) grew on trees. like really believed this. like, i would have SWORN they grew on trees. until fairly recently.

::is sad now::

Phoebs said...

Commenter Nate makes me feel so much better...

I blame the fact that all of my hs science teachers were either retired (completely serious) or out of their effings minds. And that I could use a bs nutrition class to satisfy science reqs at a top 50 university.

Mollie said...

Your dad is great. And just to clarify, Jackalopes are NOT REAL. But everything else he listed is - flying snakes - true fucking story!

Love,
Your favorite NatGeo employee

Tara said...

I've never even heard of them until about two minutes ago. But if I had to name them, I'd probably say "Toothswims."

mia said...

What's worse, that you didn't know they were real? Or that I've never even heard of them before?

I guess I did have a not-as-mind-blowing-but similar "Wait, really?" experience though. Did you see the recent Jeopardy where Alex was in Ecuador and explained the difference between sea lions and seals? I always thought they were synonymous with one another.

Also, after the amount of times "narhwal" was written in this post I feel like Damian in Mean Girls when he says, "Say crack again."

Erin said...

So, my sister and her fiance are both environmental biologists who met while studying bears. A couple years ago when they were dating, my sister mentioned that he had just gotten a job tracking wolverines. As a college graduate, 24 years of age, I replied, "He's studying X-Men?" Most definitely was unaware that they were real animals.

In addition, after reading these comments and finding out that vampire squids exist, I searched for them on Google and found this page: http://www.tripbase.com/articles/bizarre-animals.html. Aaaaand now I don't expect to sleep for the rest of the week... or my life... for fear that crazy disgusting animals are going to sneak into my room and rape my skull.

danielle said...

This same thing (well other than friends telling me about Narwhals and asking my parents) happened to me a month ago. And I gotta say, Narwhals themselves and the fact that they are real still freak me out.

bethany barton said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Meg, I had no idea either. Also from reading these comments, apparently reindeer are real too?

Patrick said...

Want to know what else is real? The fucking PLATYPUS! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Platypus

I was actually sitting in a class when I was in college when I somehow stumbled upon an article about these things and I still haven't gotten over the fact that a real beaver/duck is living on this world.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I've had a recurring situation similar to this in which I've told people that no, ponies are not in fact baby horses. They are midget horses.
HAH! I feel better.

i found out a few years ago (im 25) that the neighbors who lived next to me my whole life are not married they are SIBLINGS...talk about a mind fuck. my mom casually mentioned it one day...me and my brother were a bit shocked.
HAHA! I continue to feel better.

Meg, How could you not know this? It's a well documented fact. Haven't you ever seen Futurama, specifically the movie where Fry befriends a Narwhal named leeloo.
THERE'S ALSO A CYCLOPS ON THAT SHOW AND A MAN WHO'S BODY IS A ROBOT AND HEAD IS IN A JAR! ARE THOSE THINGS REAL TOO?!

Also, Jager ball left me with a negative bank account and a sloppy hookup with a grown man with braces...so thank you.
Ooo! You, sir or madam, are welcome!

I also really enjoy the fact that everyone's frame of reference for narwhals is the movie Elf...
OK, people keep referencing the narwhal in Elf being like, DUH dead give away. And the thing is, I knew there was such a thing as a narwhal (i.e. the one in Elf) I just didn't know they REALLY EXISTED. I mean the movie had Santa and elves. Does that mean they exist too?? Sorry to get hostile on your first time posting! <3

Dear Meg,

I used to think that you were the best. Then I read what your dad's email. Sorry.

I'm not even mad. I just respect that.

Amanda B said...

I know just how you feel :(
I once saw one in a cartoon and was thinking, I've never heard of the mystical creature the "Narwhal".
Just for kicks I looked it up in Google, I was 100% completely mind fucked.

Morgan said...

You need to watch this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ykwqXuMPsoc

The Narwhal Song

Elizabeth said...

WHOA whoa whoa ... what happened to your usual disclaimers? 1) Hopefully no one was hoping to see Cinderella Man for the first time, since you totes spoiled the ending, and 2) I hate encountering bloody images without warning. ACK!

And ... narwhales. Even the name is weird.

Anonymous said...

It's ok, I didn't know Frank Sinatra was dead until 2003. At which point I drunkenly threw myself on the sidewalk wailing over the tragic loss.

That said, you should really acquaint yourself with Sir David Attenborough for all the animal knowledge you could ever want to possess. (Angler fish and coelacanth's are real too, fyi)

JimBathurst said...

I'm lazy and didn't bother looking to see if someone already posted this, or if you wrote about it - but if not, you're welcome:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ykwqXuMPsoc

The Kuh said...

Words cannot explain my delight at this post. I don't remember when it was exactly that I had my, "Ha! I'm a dumbass" moment re: narwahls, but I got to experience someone else's Saturday night! My best friend! Somehow the subject of narwahls came up, and after she said something that led me to believe that she didn't know they were real either. So, I said "You know those are REAL right?", and I think her mind just imploded. And she was angry with me for never having told her. We lived together and all. Also, since I didn't actually finish college, I can pretend that all the educating on narwahls and wolverines happened after I left.

I don't know if narwahls are just making a comeback or if you are just IN. MY. HEAD!

Anonymous said...

Ok welll revel in the fact that you just enlightened oodles of people.

I guess I used to believe in narwhals, then they were in all these cartoons and sold as novelty figurines so I thought nooo, they is not reeeall. TRALALA

But I guess you're right. what a mindfuck. Also, I'm a zoology grad student.

Anonymous said...

Which one of the following is a real species?
A) Narwhal
B) Ivory-billed woodpecker
C) hobbit
D) Flying Fox
E) All of the above

E!!!! All of the above!

vKAYb said...

Yep. Just found out that the Platypus is not a dinosaur, but is actually a currently thriving species. Thanks Patrick.

The Realist said...

What distrubs me most about that video clip is that the narrator sounds like a kids game show host ala Nickolodeon circa 1990's when talking about the Narwhals potentially suffocating when the ice blocks them in.

When the Plant Earth lady says bad things, she at least sounds sad about it. Not joyful.

Alice in Wonderland said...

Bio major, I don't think I knew what that thing was either. I must have fallen asleep that day, I even took Marine Bio and had no idea. I just learned Washington, D.C. was not in fact in the state of Washington in college anyways so don't feel too bad!

Anonymous said...

so i guess it is safe to say you did not own this growing up:
http://www.mcphee.com/shop/products/Avenging-Narwhal-Play-Set.html

Anonymous said...

YOU ARE A MASSIVE FUCKING DUMBASS!

Shannon C said...

I did a project on Narwhals in the 2nd grade because I thought they were cousins of unicorns that lived under water. Was extremely upset when nothing about them involved rainbows or glitter, hated them ever since.

Anonymous said...

To Anonymous 1:05pm: You do not want to mess with the 2b1b fan club.

Meg, can your dad please get a regular spot on the blog? Consider this an official request.

Also 76 comments! Woo hoo!

Julie said...

holy holy santa claus shit. I thought narwhals were only real in ELF, don't worry, i feel totally ripped off by all the schooling I've gotten, and I have a MASTERS. wtf america. wtf.

The Kuh said...

Anonymous 1:05 PM: If you're going to shit-talk, don't do it anonymously. The only thing worse than being a dumbass is being a cowardly dumbass.

A. Rue said...

Meg, I usually have your back on things, but... this post made me question the state of people around me. Seriously. I had to text about twenty people and demand to know if they realized narwhals were real. Fortunately, they did!

Also, to everyone who referenced David Attenborough: that man is like unto a GOD for me. He is amazing. That is all.

-Beth

Anonymous said...

I can't even believe they are real - and such risk takers! And as for the narwhal in Elf, I had thought that was just his fucking NAME. Doesn't Buddy say "Thanks MR. NARWHAL"?!?!?! I really thought "Mr. Narwhal" was some made-up sea-creature for the entertainment of small children and 20-somethings everywhere.

mrs. darling said...

so, i'm reading this post and comments hysterically laughing and also in horror because i thought the unicorn whale on elf was a PRETEND ANIMAL. then i read my way deeper into the comments section and WHAT?! WOLVERINES ARE REAL, TOO?!?!?! what the hell has my life been based on up until this point?? what's next? mermaids? unicorns? i can't handle this sort of trauma on a friday afternoon. i need to lay down.

Mtina said...

Strong stomachs only: http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/09/16/a-vacation-bug-bite-that-keeps-biting/?apage=2

needanumbrella said...

I bought this for a friend of mine for Christmas... Maybe you'd like to put it on your wish list!

http://www.merch-bot.com/media/catalog/product/cache/1/image/5e06319eda06f020e43594a9c230972d/a/v/avenging-narwhal-toy-play-s_1.jpg

Amanda said...

OH my goodness, I know how you feel!! I just found out about month ago they exist and I'm 20! I thought they were like unicorns! (Oh, God, those DON'T exist, right?!)

Chamuca said...

I didn't know they were real until last winter. I am 28

Ashley said...

I didn't know reindeer were real until I saw one at the Alaska Zoo. YEAH.

John said...

I was distracted right from the get go because all I could think of was you saying "For all intensive purposes" in that first sentence.

Like some other retards out there, I too thought a pony was a baby horse not some weird midget horse, so I won't pick on you about Narwhales.

And your dad is awesome.

(I am a few weeks behind here... catching up!)

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Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness. Narwhales are real?! The fuck. My life is a lie as well..I thought they were the ponies of the fucking sea! Poseidon's steed to be exact. ;~;

James Robert said...

The bi curious gays of the sea eh?

Anna said...

http://graphjam.com/2010/03/18/funny-graphs-me-horny/

Miglet said...

Your dad should google drop bears.

He could add it to his list of "mythical creatures" that are actually mythical creatures. Well, not so much mythical as just made up (it's not quite so romantic). Being an Aussie, I actually looked up Jackalope before I realised what was going on! Duh!

Mary said...

until like last year i thought that behemoth was actually pronounced BOhemoth and was somehow related to the word bohemian.

also did you know that platypuses (platypi???) are POISONOUS? wtf???

Anonymous said...

I used to think flying fish weren't real until I saw some while on a boat off the coast of Florida. Freaked. Me. Out.

Anonymous said...

I thought of 2b1b and this post when I saw this cartoon:

http://www.explosm.net/comics/989/

Anonymous said...

idiot

Anonymous said...

WHAT THE FUCK, NARWALS EXIST??? IM SO CONFUSED.

Anonymous said...

So, I am an avid reader and have commented several posts, but somehow I missed this post. I am super sad I did though, because I just came to this revelation all on my own, and went through the stages of what I call "Narwhal Acceptance". Step 1: Questioning. Granted, I was high as shit, but when I watched Oceans by Disney and they just casually dropped the knowlege that Narwals exsist in the same world that I happen to exsist in, I legitimately rewound that part 12 times because I thought the documentary was fucking with me. Step 2: Betrayal. Once I came to grips,I too was so pissed no one had ever told me this was for reals. I started resenting my upbringing. I felt like my fiancee, companion of 4 years was witholding valuable and time sensitive information from me. If narwhals are real, what else have I overlooked in the las 25 years? This is really elementary shit! Step 3: Interviews. Turns out, I wasn't the only one in the dark. Half the people I asked thought I was the worlds biggest idiot, but the other half had to start on their Narwhal Acceptance. Step 4: Obsession. Every damn conversation I have had since that fateful night has been Narwhal centered. This is possibly the greatest discovery I have ever made, and it has been the cause of much introspection. I will never forget our majestic sea unicorn friend, the Narwhal.

Anonymous said...

Wow! If narwhales are a freaky concept. Check this out. I just found out the birds don't pee! That's why they poop white.

Embarassed said...

I read through many of these comments and this post, and I realized I hate almost all of you. No shit narwhals exist, and no shit wolverines exist, how you can be so fucking stupid is beyond me.

Pinkhair 3d said...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Candiru

Gladys said...

My god, you're an idiot. I know someone who is the dumbest moron to ever exist. You are dumber than him.

Not for not knowing that narwhals are real, but for claiming to nearly have a panic attack over discovering they're real.

Reading this post has given me an aneurysm. That is how bad it is.

ZanathKariashi said...

Platapi are also real, despite being an abomination of the supposed natural order. Just a heads up, so you don't freak out too badly.

Anonymous said...

Holy, shit. I didn't know whether to laugh at Americans (are you all so stupid?) or cry for humanity.

noybusiness said...

Miglet,

Jackalopes were the only made-up animals in that list. Vampire squid, flying snakes, the bugs and the fish etc. are real.

Jay ♥ said...

Ten times not twice their weight in gold :P

Anonymous said...

I feel so sorry for you poor people. You must be terrified every evening when the sun goes down . . .

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Anonymous said...

Don't feel too bad. I love telling the story of how when my parents were vacationing in Arizona I got a call from my mother asking me if the jackalope was a real animal. Assuming that her buddies were playing with her naivety, which they were, I instantly answered yes and went on about how the locals there stuff them and I made up all kinds of crap, maybe mentioned a discovery channel documentary on them. So she went a few more days before figuring it out. Now she really doesn't trust me.

Anonymous said...

Dude. It might have been cool of you to mention that your reference link to a dual tusked narwhal is a BLOOD-SPEWING SEVERED HEAD at the end of a blood trail in the snowbank.
Thanks very much. I'm going to go cry now.

Anonymous said...

Contrary to your post, dragons are real also. There are several kinds, all lizards: the Chinese water dragon (Physignathus cocincinus), the Australian water dragon (Intellagama lesueurii), the bearded dragon (Pogona vitticeps), the flying dragon (Draco taeniopterus) and the Komodo dragon (Varanus komodoensis). The flying dragon does not actually fly but rather it glides, and none of them breathe fire, although the Komodo dragon has very bad breath. Water dragons are sometimes kept as pets.

 
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